Panel Kerfluffle

There's been a lot of talk about the staffing of American Idol. Seacrest got a sweet deal, which he totally deserves. Meanwhile, Paula hasn't gotten a contract yet. I'm sure it's because the producers are absolutely exhausted having forked over a ton of cash to our sparkling boy.

It's caused me to wonder, who would my ideal Idol panel include? Here they are:

• Simon Cowell
• Sharon Osborne
• Gladys Night

What about yours?

My brush with potential Season 9 greatness

Oh. My. GOD. I know one of the people that made it to Hollywood in upcoming Season 9.

She works at Bloomingdales and she waxes my eyebrows and she's a riot...truly one of my favorite stylists ever. But even better...VFTW has now identified her as a plant, which means that she might actually make it to the Top 36. How cool would that be? Then you haters are going to have to embrace her or die...I'll be rooting for her all the way.

The industry vindicates us!

I love this article, which shows that Kris, Adam and Allison have record deals and careers, and Gokey has thus far been left hanging.

Kris won after all

I know. Damn that Kris and the Kristians that voted for him. The no-talent hack only won because people hate Adam because he's gay.

Sorry. I disagree. I think people LOVED Adam, gay or not. Even Kristians loved him, and voted for him. And I think Kris is going to surprise all you haters and be a stand up guy AND a success. And on a completely separate issue, so will Adam. I plan to follow both of their careers closely.

This year I win!

I must admit, I'm really happy this year. I loved Kris pretty much as soon as I actually saw him perform, I have come to love Adam even though I don't always love his performances, and though I really loved Allison, too, I don't have that horrible rage of injustice I often get when we get down to this. I mean, can we say Katherine McPhee/Taylor Hicks or Diana DeGarmo? Give me a break. This year, I think both Idol possibles are talented and deserving, and I thoroughly enjoyed their performances last night.

When Adam sang "Mad World" I felt like he might have read this blog and taken my advice to heart. His version last night was less screamer and a lot more emotive than his last one, and I think that song is more evocative this way. I thought his version of "A Change Is Gonna Come" was magical, and his version of that Kara DioGuardi mess of a song was as good as it could be considering the material.

Kris performed two of my favorite songs ever...I loved Kris' original version of "Ain't No Sunshine," and I thought last night he was pretty much perfect with it. Really beautiful. And though the judges seemed to think he should have made some spectacle of "What's Goin' On," I thought his version was really nice...much like "Mad World," I think that song is better when you lay back and let it flow, which Kris did. And I thought it was hysterical that Kara flat out acknowledged her stupid song was in the wrong key for Kris - shows she didn't actually care whether or not he could sing it, because she wrote it for Adam. Which was made even funnier by Randy's comment that Kris' voice was a better fit for it. (As if anyone should sing that kind of dreck.)

I get that most people think that Kris has already won his version of the title simply by beating Danny, and that Adam is the only true candidate for AI winner. I get that everyone is positive that Adam is the "talent" here, that he's the performer and the superstar. But I really don't understand why pretty much every compliment to Kris has the tone of praise you give to some retarded kid who manages to correctly identify the square hole for the block in his hand.

This is not to detract from Adam. He is amazing and deserves all the success he gets. But flashy showmanship and the ability to "perform" isn't the only hallmark of talent. Adam has the better voice, he's a bigger stage presence and has a theatrical knack for nailing the emotions in a song. Kris, on the other hand, plays a bunch of instruments, has some pretty uncanny pitch even though his voice isn't perfect, and interprets a song with an innocent, raw emotion that is compelling. You can be talented and relevant and a huge international success with glamour and wardrobe and dry ice if you want to, but you can also be one WITHOUT being Cher.

People dismiss Kris as John Mayer, Jason Mraz, Jack Johnson or any number of singer-songwriter types who do acoustic guitar music heavy on lyrics and emotion. But why exactly is it a BAD thing to be like these guys? Must everyone be Celine Dion to be considered talented?

I LIKE John Mayer. (It took a mixed cd from CP with pretty much the entire contents of Mayer's first album to convert me, but I got over the whole bubblegum toes thing and learned to enjoy him.) It's a hot sunny day and I'm listening to a mix of Josh Rouse, Jack Johnson and Ryan Adams on my iPod. I'm singing along and even repeating some of the songs I like. None of these guys do elaborate stage shows, they don't have the most amazing voices and they can be pretty understated. But I like them. I buy their music. I think they're great artists.

If someone offered me free tickets to an Elton John concert, I would beg off and suggest they find someone else. I would, however, stand in line in the rain to sit in the second balcony to hear Bob Dylan.  I think Springsteen puts on a killer show, but Nebraska and Devils & Dust are my favorites of his albums. And while Led Zeppelin is unquestionably great, I think Robert Plant is pure genius when he's collaborating with Allison Krauss.

I guess what I'm saying is that there are lots of ways to be a great musician.  Kris and Adam each have their own charm. Either one of them deserves to win. They're very different, but they're both big "finds" for the music industry, and they both deserve successful careers. And I'm sick and tired of the Adam folks insinuating that it is some huge travesty of justice if their guy doesn't win.  

To use an overused analogy, some people like the Stones, some people prefer the Beatles, and while Keith Richards is a much more compelling train wreck than Paul McCartney, there's still room on the iPod for both. 

And, of course, some people like Josh Groban and Michael Buble, but there's no accounting for taste.

I still don't understand why he didn't win

Vindication

I was feeling kind of bad about all the vitriol I've been throwing at Danny. My mom really wanted him to win and she was sad to see him go, and after talking to her I thought I maybe had given him a hard time that he didn't deserve.

So just now I started clicking on the links on this page, mostly because I wanted to see who VFTW has selected to replace him (they haven't yet,) and for the first time this year I went to the main AI site, where I found links to "initial reaction" videos taped with the departing Idol immediately after the show. In his, Danny is shell-shocked, agrees that his departure is a shocker, and then immediately talks about laying on his dead wife's casket 10 months ago. Let me guess, Danny. The AI producers told you to bring that up? I mean, you don't want your wife's tragically young death to be the focus of your Idol story, right?

It isn't that I don't have compassion for the guy. I don't like him, but I'm sorry he's had such loss in his life and I'm sure that this is very emotional for him. I just think it's unseemly to bring it up in this context, and a classy contestant would have expressed disappointment but wished the others well. For instance, Allison - who could try to justify petulant moodiness with her youth - was crying and obviously disappointed, but she found a way to smile and said that most of the tears were because she would miss the other contestants, because they were great guys and she was happy for them.

Well done, Danny. I feel better now. Absolved, even.

Still dancing and pinching my arm to be sure it's real

God knows I've been praying for this for weeks, months even, but now that it's happened it's hard to believe. It's like I won some lottery, or or got a fancy new job or got trapped in an elevator with Hugh Jackman.

Danny Gokey is gone. Gone gone gone! Gone gone-ity gone gone, gone gone! WHOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I began to hope early on. About midway through Kris' video of his visit home I thought to myself, "Wow. This seems to be taking longer than Danny's did." So I paid attention to Adam's, and his seemed to too. Could this be an indicator of who the audience really wants to see?! (FYI, I went back and timed the videos and I was correct. Kris and Adam each got a full minute more air time than the Hoke-meister. And yes, I realize I'm a complete saddo. You have no idea.)

I loved that Kris looked surprised to make the finals. I love that Adam looked genuinely worried and very relieved to hear his name. I am furious that the producers did a fast focus on the two finalists when their names were called so that I couldn't see Danny's face.

And I hate Kara more now than ever. Did you see her mouth, "Oh my God, that is so unfair," when the Cheese stood alone? Well, it sure looked like she did to me, and that is beyond tacky. And, for the record, it is NOT unfair. It is justice being served.

Now I'm torn. I'm an Adam convert, but a Kris fan from way back. Who do I vote for? Ye-gods.

Top Three

I know we're all about Adam here now, and I am also an Adam fan. But I still love Kris. Love him. I thought Adam was lazy and sharp this week, Danny was as miserably dull and off pitch as we've come to expect (and he STILL hasn't learned the part about breathing at a natural pause in the lyric's phrasing,) and Kris' version of Heartless was the only thing worth listening to last night. (That first song of his really did suck.)  

The judges, on the other hand, made all three of these guys look like consummate professionals. Talk about squirrelly idiots. Seriously. Randy and Kara picked that stupid song for Kris and then got pissed because it's style was pretty much the same as his normal one and he didn't shake it up. Simon bragged about Bono like he'd had an audience with the queen. Paula went on even more than usual with the spouting of ridiculous nonsense. The only thing I liked about them this week was the big brown makeup smudge on Simon's boob left by Paula during one of their little wrestling matches.

The comparisons of Danny to Taylor Hicks and Michael Bolton are entirely accurate. By rights, the way the judges have been pimping him all season, they DESERVE to have him win so they have to market his stupid ass. I like the idea of them taking a bath with his 50,000-copies-sold debut album. But even more, I like the feeling of satisfaction I know will come when I see his smug face go blank when he's voted off tonight.  I love seeing people who are completely full of themselves kicked to the curb in public humiliation.  And Danny deserves that fate.

So I voted continuously for Kris and Adam. You will hear my shouts of joy in Europe if Gokey goes home.

What the hell was that?!?

I'm sorry, but this is the semi-finals, right? Aren't these people supposed to be kicking ass at this point? Instead, Adam phoned it in, Gokey over shot the mark, as per usual and not in a good way, and what the hell is Kris still doing there? Man.

And you know I have mad love for Adam, right. Well, check it out dawg: Why Aerosmith? Why would you pick "Cryin'" Were you high?!? God! Was he trying to one-up Gokey's Dream On Aerosmith Rock 'N Roller Coaster? Where was all the twinkly space dust that usually swirls around your head? Did you just decide you didn't want to win it? LAME. At the rate we're going, Danny Deadwife is going to win it all...which...hey, maybe he'll just disappear like Taylor Hicks. Hmm...as you were Adam Lambert.

So, next week is the foshizzle finale. The question of the hour is: Who will be singing "Imagine"? And what happened to the songwriting contest? My neighbor wrote the music for my single and now it's all dressed up and has no place to go. I guess the contest went the way of Idol Gives Back. Oh well, maybe if I get poor enough, Paula Abdul will come over and color with me, which would make everything all better.

So now I'm pissed

Ok, that God damned Gokey has to go. Now.

I wouldn't have been overly upset if my dear Allison had been eclipsed by Adam or Kris, though I still think she's better than both of them, especially Kris.

But Danny is just not a great singer. And he is clearly the worst musician out of tonight's four finalists. He couldn't carry a tune if it had another cock he was ready to suck hanging off of it. (Hell, if NV isn't posting, someone has to be filthy here.)

The only sweet thing about Allison getting kicked off tonight is that she R-O-C-K-E-D during her closing number - she is better than Janis Joplin. Really. That, and she totally blew off that asshole Cowell and you could tell he was pissed by how he glared at her. He deserved it, that piece of shit. They're all in Clive Davis's pocket and are just doing as they are told. They aren't allowed to like anyone but Cockey at this point.

On a related note, need I remind America that although Allison is only 17, that mediocre talent Jordin Sparks was 16 when she WON? Blech.

I'm adding Allison's exit to the list of other great injustices of the world, like the Holocaust and flip-flops.

Grrrr.

CP

Hokey Gokey

Danny Gokey didn't spend last night laughing over his caterwauling performance, he spent it sucking off every single person in America! I hope it felt good for y'all!

It was heartening to see that someone had enough respect for Paula (now with fewer painkillers!) to keep the lights off so we couldn't see her lips but could still catch her flips.

What was up with Gwen Stinkfani? She's not just a girl, she's B-A-N-A-N-A-S and an even more horrifying singer than I recalled.

Thank you American Idol for reminding me that Chris Daughtry's ego is now only slightly larger than his guitar and has been taking voice lessons from pokey Gokey.

Argh.

How can I be the first to realize this?

My blogging pals on Idolatry, you are seriously dropping the ball here. I simply cannot believe no one has yet come to the damning realization I am ready to utter. I am neither very creative nor observant, so I just don't understand how this universal truth could have escaped this entire blog circle.



Danny Gokey is nothing but an imitation of Michael Bolton. And a poor one at that.




I never would have dreamed there could exist such a thing as a worse Michael Bolton. But thanks to the graces of both the good Lord and Danny's dead wife, there is.


I hereby christen AI's most annoying contestant ever, Danny Bolton Gokey.

Dream on, Danny

Because you can screw up the words to a song, miss notes and sound like that poor Howard Dean at a rally and still they give you an "A" for effort. Meanwhile, Allison and Kris get panned because Randy isn't "feelin' it". And the looks on both A&K's faces as they got their critiques indicated that they now know there is a limit on positive comments from the judges, what since no matter what they do they simply cannot become Danny. In fact, I almost expected one of them to fight back at Simon by saying it outright.

Not only did Danny's singing suck, he looked like a complete idiot in his shirt and vest. It's like he thought it was Kenny Rogers night and he was about to sing The Gambler. And what's up with that stupid accent he has? He's from Milwaukee so anything other than a wide Sconny nasal is a complete put-on, likely in that misguided Timberlake-esque attempt to sound "street". And could he have been any more egotistical in the way he received the just slightly not completely sycophantic comments? I'll-have-to-listen-to-it-I-don't-think-it-could-have-been-THAT-bad my ass, Hokey. My DOG sings better than you did last night.

On a more positive note, I loved Adam last night. I thought his fake Led Zeppelin was perfect, he was charming and his duet with Allison made me happy. Flannery's right...they were really cute together. He's a class act, and while I'm still an Allison person I am now happy with the prospect of Adam as the next American Idol.

Well, They Figured Out How To Open And Close The Show With Adam

Can I just say that that was the best episode of American Idol I've ever seen? I love me some Adam and I've been wanting to see him sing with Allison for awhile now. They are so cute together and I love that Adam took Allison to his hairstylist. He's done a lot for her confidence and not just by helping her with a make-over. They've been very supportive of each other and you can see it when it's elimination time.

This is what "Rock and Roll" night never could be before. The combination of the great talent this year + Slash + band on the stage + Ryan Seacrest = Rock Cred. However, Randy and Kara did there best to shred all that up. What's with her Danny Zuko Kinicki [edited to save my car...I don't want no beef with Beckeye and I can't race at Thunder Road this weekend...I've got to go see Star Trek] act on rock night? I thought for a minute she was going to throw on her T-birds jacket, comb her hair, light a cigarette and start a rumble with the Scorpions. She's really embarassing.

I think Kris' time is up...there are too many people in love with Danny and Kris' meh performance will be his doom. He probably should have done Revolution. He would have stood out with that tune.

By the way, I want to see Adam as Conrad Birdie in the next production of Bye Bye Birdie. He's the perfect combination of talent, good looks and quirk.

Ways To Make Them Sing Better

Loser has to donate their liver or a kidney or an organ of Natalie Cole's choice on a very special edition of "Idol Gives Back". Natalie will then sing directly to them the 'together forever' bit from that song.

Down to five

So. Only half right, luckily, and it was Lil and Anoop with the tickets home this week. All in all, this is an acceptable result. I mean, I still think that dorky Matt should have gone before Anoop, but at least young Allison is safe. It was really only a matter of time for Mr. Desai, bless him. He just didn't have the dead wife required to make so-so talent a lasting Idol contender. I wish him luck, though. He's a good kid.

Which leaves us Allison, Matt, Kris and the Chosen Ones. I so dislike Danny and Matt that I have decided to become an Adam supporter - acknowledging that I cannot beat them, I am officially joining them. If we get to a top three of Allison, Kris and Adam I will at least feel that talent has won the day, and then I guess I'll get over it when Allison and Kris don't win. 

I'm not sure why it's become so important to me that Danny and Matt go home immediately, but it has. 

Danny is a smug, holier-than-thou hack. For me, he has come to embody all of the evil, self-centered, hypocritical fake love of the modern day Kristian.  On the surface, he's all sweetness and light, but none of it is reflected in his eyes unless they're talking about him. Am I being judgmental and basing that critique on stereotypes? Perhaps. Is it evil and unkind of me to judge someone so harshly, especially when I don't know them? Absolutely. But I'm convinced that Danny thinks God is going to help him beat Adam in the final because Adam is gay, which I find offensive in both the presumption and the content. (I mean, here's the church's website - these folks use ALL the buzzwords that indicate they believe God loves some people more than others.) It would be great to be wrong about this. It would be great if Danny is actually an open-minded guy who doesn't believe he knows more about what God wants for this world than the rest of us, and who doesn't think being gay damns you to eternal hellfire.  But I doubt it. And since that's what I believe, I don't want Danny to win.  I want Danny to be voted off immediately so he can be relegated to Praise Radio where he belongs. 

As for Matt, he seems like a nice enough guy but he just doesn't perform at the same level as the others. He should just have the Justin Timberlake surgery and leave us alone. 

America, please come to your senses and send these two packing.

Disco night sucked

On disco night, I wanted to see some disco, not each artist trying to be coy by performing the lyrics and melody of a disco tune in a completely different style.  Therefore, this episode had me pissed on many levels... and since I went in with a bad attitude because I had to look at that stupid Matt Girard another week, let's just say there was a lot of yelling in our house last night.

Lil can't sing. She has totally lost any groove she ever had. I blame the judges' sycophantic ass kissing of Hokey and Lambear. While they're busy chasing the rainbows and unicorns these two are s*$%%$#g, they've reduced all other contestants' critiques to:

1) You can really blow/sing, have great pipes, etc.

2) You are really true to yourself/have a great style/give it your all

3) That song wasn't right for you/you haven't found your style/you were pitchy

4) You look nice tonight (and 4a) WTF are you wearing)

5) No matter what happens (i.e. when Adam and Danny-Dead-Wife make the finals), you should know that you're talented, too. Kind of.

Lil keeps getting 1,  2 and 4 or 4a, the worst combination ... and I think it really psychs her out. I don't blame her. No matter what she does, she gets 1, 2 or 4. It's like they're not even watching her perform. 

Kris is my favorite. I think he's great. I was annoyed he didn't do a disco song in a disco fashion, but if I suspend that bias I thought his performance last night was great.  Kris sounds like someone whose record I'd buy. Plus he's cute, and he's a way better dancer than either of the Annointed, and I like that he still has his wife in the audience close up every week despite Simon's cynical advice from earlier in the competition. His performance earns him 1, 2 and 5, which is the best praise any non-Danny/Adam will get this season.

Danny was off key. The judges complemented him on his excellent pitch.  His arrhythmic dancing and same-ole-same-ole voice were boring at best. Everyone but Simon thought he was riveting and very sexy. I thought the arrangement was overproduced and he threw in a bit too much white-people-mega-church-gospel styling.  The judges thought it was funky and clever. Perhaps they were referring to one of the dress-rehearsals where they actually wrote their comments. And how is it that no one feels compelled to point out that each performance he gives now is exactly like one he's given earlier in the competition, when they seem so hell bent on commending Adam for the way he constantly "changes things up"? I have to leave the room (or fast forward) because Hokey is really messing with my blood pressure.

Frankly, more than the dullness and the bad dancing and bad pitch Hokey kicks out every week, my biggest problem with him is that he's a pompous, over-confident ass. He doesn't even try to look humble or fallible. He just sits there with a yeah-I-WAS-really-great-tonight-I-really-liked-that-part-too smugness while the judges laud him with praise. Heck, even Adam looks flattered when they say nice things (though he has had all that theatrical training which is likely coming in handy.) I want nothing more than to see his utter shock and horror when he gets put in the bottom 3. But the Kristian block is voting for America's Charismatic Youth Director, so that is unlikely.

Allison, as usual, rocked the house. Personally, I didn't much like the arrangement (and neither did RandKara,) but she still managed to pull it off.  Were I a judge, I would tell her that she should try NOT being so true to herself, because sometimes it doesn't suit the song. The rocker background bass overshadowed her, and it would be nice to see her try something softer sometimes. She is my other favorite, and the judges give her 1,2 & 5, too, but with the hint of 3 from RandKara it isn't quite as good as Kris'. So she's in the bottom 3, I think.

The shoulder pads and hourglass tailoring of Adam's suit were distracting, and why must he be made to look like a foppish Elvis every time he sings a ballad? Can he not scream tenderly with his eyeliner and hairshag in their natural state?  I thought the arrangement of "If I Can't Have You" just revealed the silliness of the song's lyrics, and even though he's very talented and has a lovely voice, it made no more sense to me than would a tender, emotive ballad version of "John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt".  But no matter. The judges worship Adam as a God.  

I really want to like Adam, but I just don't. I mean, he's talented, he's odd, he's flamboyantly gay on the most-watched television series in America...all things that appeal to me. I'll even go so far as to say I wish him well. But I think Kris and Allison are a better reflection of what AI brings to the music industry. Adam was already doing well and he doesn't actually need this. That said, once it does get down to the Lambear-Hokey final, I'll be voting 700 times for Adam. 

Matt sucked. He came off as an ugly Justin Timberlake impersonator, his vocals were a mess and he proved why the save was wasted on him. Which probably explains why he got a 1,2,4 and 5 critique to cover up the grotesque error in judgement.

Anoop chose a stupid song, and though his vocals weren't horrible, the performance was strictly b-grade. I didn't actually listen to the critiques but I think he got a 1,2 kind of 5, with a 4 from Crazy Paula. I still think he's cute, though.

Bottom Three: Matt or Anoop, Lil, Allison

Should go home: Matt and Lil. 

Will go home: Lil and Allison (hopefully causing Simon to tell Matt point blank that they should not have saved him and that Kara is fired for pushing them to do it.) 

My deepest, darkest wish to send packing: Matt and Danny - Gumby bites it anyway, and now their Hand of God is not available to save Hokey from his own mediocrity.

The judges save

Seriously. They saved Matt Girard?! That's ridiculous.

I fear that Allison will end up in the bottom 2 next week and then she'll be off the show, and that stupid Gumby will have a post-save bounce and be safe. Those judges suck.

On the other hand, perhaps so many people will try to vote for Matt to keep him safe that they figure one week of not voting for Danny won't hurt him.  And then he'll go back to his praise band on Sunday mornings and we won't have to listen to him breathe in the middle of his songs' (deep breath!!!!!) phrases.

Songs from Moviezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

...huh? What? It's over?

That was the probably the worst episode of American Idol in the history of Idol. It was so bad it danced on the path of worstness. Two Brian Adams songs? Quentin Tarantino coaching singers? And don't forget Danny Deadwife's subtle use of the harp to communicate "endless love" to his dead wife, who is an angel and only speaks harp. GAG ME.

Oy.

And why not fire Kara instead of cutting Simon out of 50% of the judgery? What has she really brought to the competition that Randy hasn't already covered? I mean "artistry" is the new "pitchy," dawg.

And was Paula wearing a bejeweled spinal column?

Not even Ryan and his mad time management skillz and Adam and his gifts from outer space could save this one.

Bottom three? Anoop, Matt, and Lil. Going home? Matt. But who really cares after tonight. Ugh.

Dale is evil but he's funny

I really could not take another night of listening to Blind Scott sing, so I'm really glad he's gone. Really.

But I'll admit I did tear up watching the judges seriously deliberate saving him - and frankly I think it was all for show. I felt actual terror in my heart at the thought that they might waste their only save on him. They'll need it for Allison, I fear.

But I'm not a TOTAL bitch (like Dale) and I did feel a glimmer of sentimentality for the poor guy. (Poor guy....hell, he's headed for a career a lot more fun than mine so who is he to complain?)

Nonetheless, it was kinda sad. But childbirth is also painful and someone has to do it.

Bye Scott. Don't come back soon, please.

I Can See Clearly Now

My final picks

I want the final to be Allison vs. Kris or Danny. And then I want Allison to win.


And you know how I can be when I don't get my way.

Just sayin'.

CP

What's the big damn deal?

I am not an Adam fan, but I will admit that he's had some really good performances. That said, I absolutely hated the version he did of Mad World last night. I thought his arrangement sucked, and I don't get why everyone is raving.

Ok, this about wraps it up

Matt: I think he's a cute kid. Lil totally deserves to go before he does. Sorry MJ.....



Kris: I forgot to comment on him earlier. This kid is adorable. If I were 20 years younger.....



Adam: Sorry fans, not feeling him. Simon is officially on crack. Or maybe he wants "favors" from Adam.



I still have part of a beer left. Oh, what the hell.

G'night.

I'm too lazy to make more drinks

Here's the latest update on my AI watching:

Lil: MJ, I'm sorry, but I'm just not feeling her. Neither are the judges. She must have peaked early. Suffer, Pope!


Anoop: He's growing on me. He touched me tonight. And it wasn't a bad touch. That Cyndi Lauper song always makes me cry, and he succeeded.


Scott: Nice enough guy, but I just can't stand his voice. Oh my God, this song is heinous. Is this Peter Cetera? Or just Chicago? I've blocked it - never thought I'd have to listen to it again. MY EARS! MY EARS! I'm always afraid he's going to walk off the edge of the stage, too. I'd like his brother's phone number, however. Hah, Randy just told him he wants him to "leap off the stage." (vocally)


Allison: Ok, which judge is going to say "You don't have to make me love you, because I do?" As for me, Coaster Punchman, I LOVE THIS GIRL. I LOVE THIS GIRL. But I'm worried that she might lose this week because when the good ones go out early it's almost ALWAYS after they've done a sad, victim-based ballad. I need to vote for her multiple times. And Simon is a jackass. She's incredibly likeable.

Ok, so I guess I am original. Allison doesn't have to make me love her. I already do.




And I'm not drunk any more. Shit.

I call for an end to the Gokey-bashing!

I've decided I love Danny Gokey. I don't care about his dead wife. She was probably a bitch anyway.

Number of cocktails consumed: 4 + one beer

Number of Poor George ribs consumed: 3 and working on 4th. Unfortunately it will counteract my alcohol consumption.

Number of plates of Poor George mac 'n cheese consumed: 1. I'm almost done with it and I'll be sad.



I'm going to hell.

Fantasia rocks

Out of all the winning song finales (or whatever you call that when the winner has to sing) Fantasia's is the bestest of the best. I sat here and cried like a baby while she performed. She just radiates eternity.

God I'm drunk..

Cocktails consumed: approximately 4

Auditions are STUPID

I'm about 1/3 the way through the 'Best of American Idol Seasons 1-4' DVD. I have the following observations:

* Kelly Clarkson is hot. It's not fair that some people get all the looks and the talent. Although I'm happy that she's porked out a bit. And I don't even mean that in a mean way.

* I am OVER the auditions. O-V-E-R. About 2/3 of what I've seen on this DVD so far are rehashes of all the bad auditions. And Simon says "Oh yeah, all these people are genuine."

Balls.

Cocktails consumed: about 2 1/2

Mood: giddy

Holy Sh*t!

Gentle Readers,

Poor George flew up to San Francisco to see Mama Gin. Leaving me all alone on Idol night. (At least I think tonight is Idol night; I haven't checked the TV listings.)

So how do I cope? By fixing up a nice plate 'o nachos with red beans, jalapenos, jack cheese, olives, and oh yeah, you do need the damn tortilla chips.

And a nice shaker 'o pomo-peach cosmos to go with it.

'Cept I don't normally mix cocktails for one, so I didn't even think about what I was doing. And now I've got mee-self a nice double batch. It may even be a triple, on accounta I provide a generous pour even when it's just PG and me.

I'm beginning the evening by watching a DVD I got from the library - "The Best of American Idol Seasons 1-4." Then I'll move on to the real thing. I will provide periodic updates throughout the evening.

Fasten your seatbelts. It's gonna be a bumpy night.

CP

Megan Joy is G-O-N-E

Hooray! I so disliked her and her stupid ink sleeve. I didn't like her voice, I didn't like her song selection, and I didn't like constantly hearing how pretty she was. I did, however, find her dancing highly amusing. And I'm sure some avaricious record producer will snap her up...she's just as weird and campy as Amy Winehouse, but with a prettier package and none of those pesky drug problems yet. Surely there are mainstream bimbos that want to seem edgy just dying for an album of fake "standards" from a warbling thumb-dancer.

So who's next? I've accepted that Hokey's going no place. They've figured out the dead wife pimping was hurting his chances and are repackaging him (they didn't even mention that his grandfather died this week, so afeared were they that his personal death theme would lose votes.) Therefore I will focus my bile on Scott McIntyre and Matt Girard - they are easily the two next most annoying contestants. Not only are they the two most likely to appear with a piano, but they're neither one all that entertaining. Just don't ask me to choose...Scott's muzak suck ass, but I'm secretly loving the whole screw-with-the-blind-guy's-outfit-and-hair game that the stylists are playing. (That way they can remind us he's blind without actually verbalizing it, which would be tacky. Right, Ryan?) And while his vocals are sometimes better than Scott's, the ridiculously tight pants and unicorn pimple Mr. Girard sports each week are just tragic and hard to look at. And I think the cross-eyed guy is his dad.

American Midol

How will Anoop ever take the Slumdog Idol title with all those white guy friends? It'll never work!


If only Megan could find that one song, you know, like Edie Brickell did that one time, oh and find a chisel for the Osmond teeth.


Danny looks, sounds like and is, I'm convinced, one of the Avenue Q puppets, the one with the dead wife.


Allison? The only person who should ever utter the words 'Don't Speak' and get away with it is Dianne Wiest. I hate this song by anyone.


Rather than hear Scott sing, I think they should just have him sit there while the deaf guy from Amazing Race signs the words for him.


Who knew a mole could be embarrassed?! Poor Matt. And poor Matt's mole!


I wish Lil would do that part from the Natalie Cole song 'This Will Be' that goes hugging and squeezing and kissing and pleasing, together forever through rain or whatever yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! and then go back to the motel.


The term "screaming queen" perfectly describes Adam the ant man and Adam the artist.


This is the first time I have slowed down the fast forward on Chris. He also belongs in the cast of Avenue Q but at least did a decent job.


Other weirdness: One of the contestants has a cross eyed friend or dad they cut to a few times, oh my. Also, why was David Spade there in the audience behind Randy? And where did he disappear to for one song and then show up again after?

Best orgasm faces while singing: Anoop and Kris, neither of whom I needed to imagine in this way.

Live blogging - judgity judge judge judge

Let's start by saying a) Paula's dress is silly, and b) Kara is more annoying than pretty much anything ever.

Anoop - I think he's handsome. I like his jacket with the chain on the shoulder. But I don't think he's in the same key as his backup singers, and this just feels a little all over the place. I love him, but it's all a little bit of a mess. In fact, I'm going with big mess.

Corkme - Oh God help us. She's going to massacre Bob Marley now. I hate her. But it's really fun to watch her "dance." It's twitchy and Elaine-thumb-dancy, and combining that with her warble-voiced song "stylings," she might be the worst AI contestant ever. EVER. EVERRRRRR.

Danny - What since Adam Lambert had a big hit with his slowed down unplugged number last week, Danny's decided to "mix things up" with an orchestral arrangement. Boy, Danny. That was original. I never would have expected it. (YAWN.) And may I just point out that Hokey has a problem with his breathing, as in he breathes at all sorts of inappropriate moments when he's singing. Please, someone point this out to him. Stop the creepy Danny worship, because he isn't all that good.

Allison - This will be a tough one, because I adore her but she's selected a Gwen Stefani song. And I am completely OVER this whole hide behind the instruments thing. But I think she's doing a fabulous job on this song. Seriously fabulous. And I give no credence to Randy Jackson's fashion advice. None whatsoever. Yes, the outfit is a little silly. But she's adorable in it, it's age appropriate for a 16-year-old girl and she looks like Cyndi Lauper.

Scott - He's not actually going to do a Billy Joel song, is he? Oh my. It wasn't a bad joke. He really IS singing a Billy Joel song. And they've played another joke on the blind guy with that Fonzie mullet. This does not bode well. I'll say that his vocals are probably better than they've been in the finals which, while it doesn't make this muzak performance good, it makes it slightly more bearable than usual. HA! Kara loves his new look. Does he even know he has one? And Paula brings up his blindness, which means that she figures he's in trouble. All things considered, I still don't think he belongs on the show anymore, but he deserves to stay longer than Corkme.

Gumby - He's wearing a Member's Only jacket. Is HE blind, too?! I like this song, so we'll see how he does. Hmmm. I'm ambivalent. Not particularly interesting version, and he's kind of pitchy. I think abandoning the piano would have been a good idea, because it kind of makes him look desperate and angry. I was getting used to him, and now I don't like him again. Of course, with Corkme and Scott still in the mix, he still deserves to stay. And I've never noticed that bump in the middle of his forhead. If that's a zit, then I say well done for even getting on the stage tonight.

Lil - I like the wig. What since I think Celine Dion is ridiculous I've never heard this song before so I have no idea if she's "making it her own" or not, but I like this better than what I've heard from her lately so I'm going to vote for her. And I love that she's got a big ass. Hey look! Ryan stood directly between Kara and the camera while she was talking! Cool! The judges are totally off her. They want her to go home. Yet they love Corkme. Go figure.

Adam, the white boy, is playing that funky music. He seems to have fused the whole Elvis hair from last week with his usual screaming theatrical personality. I love this song, and I hate what he's doing to it. I will never like him. Sadly, I fear I'm the only one.

Kris is singing a bitchin' Bill Withers song, and he's doing an amazing job. He has a lovely voice and this arrangement kicks ass. But he's breathing into the mic too much and it's rustling like wind. I don't understand how Kris is even on the same show as an idiot like Megan. And he makes Hokey and Lambert look like Vegas showgirls. W.O.W.

Voting for Kris, Allison and Lil because I want her to have another chance.

Bye, Bye, American Pie

I watched the elimination round on Wednizzday night while stone cold sober. Thanks for your concern.

Anyone else glad to see Sarver go? I really resent the hardcore American Pie contestant they bring on each year. They are usually so in-your-face ordinary that the only obvious explanation for their presence is that they fill a Token requirement.

He should count his hillbilly blessings that he's at least going on tour -- they make money on tour, right? More money for OxyContin. And he can foot the bill for the rape kit when things get out of hand at the next family reunion.

Chivalry is not dead.

(S)Hit, (S)Hit, (P)Ass

Has anyone ever watched it stoned? It's infinitely more grotesque, trust.

Unfortunately, I have to admit that Lambert cleans up nice. He looked like a lesbian on her way to City Hall for a civil union. Cold cuts and non-alcoholic beer would be served at the reception.

I'd recap, but all I remember feeling is utter terror.

My brief response

Girard - It was better than I expected. But you're all teeth, no gums. And why play the piano at all for that performance? We get it. You play the piano. Move on.
Kris - I take it all back. You are memorable, and I really like you. You're also kind of cute.
Scott - No fair making the blind guy wear that outfit. You're too earnest. Go make easy listening records and leave us alone.
Megan - It's shocking that anyone is still pretending you are anything other than a no-talent annoyance. And put some shoes on, tramp.
Anoop - I don't like that song at all, but I like you so it's okay. Get those brows threaded, though.
Sarver - Did you hit ANY of the notes?
Lil - You looked great, but I agreed with most of the judges that you were not that interesting. Pick up your game, because I like you.
Adam - My, you're the dramatic one, aren't you? Blow us some air kisses and stop trying to look like Elvis.
Danny - That marching in place really added to the whole effect of your performance.
Allison - Holy shit, girl. That was awesome.

American Retard

Can Danny Gokey please go the way of the wifey bird and die? We have to hear about his dead wife more than even any other contestant on the show and, frankly, I'm not feeling it. I know we need the token sympathy vote, but couldn't we pick a 15 year old quadriplegic orphan with brain cancer, or something?

I'm fully expecting Simon to have Mrs. Gokey exhumed (if only for ratings) and prop her up as another wild card contestant. I bet she'd be really stiff competition. Zing!

I hate everyone except Fake Michael Boob-lay. He's charming, mostly because he's not talented. I like guys who keep it rill.


More hate later.

Never can say I'm sorry...to see Jorge go home

I do feel bad for the guy because it appears he has feelings, but I really didn't want to watch him cry for the next 13 weeks. And now he is free to go practice his lecherous glare somewhere else, far away from my tv monitor.

Despite my calling Kelly C. a tramp, I do love the gal. She's put on a little poundage too and I think it's cute on her. I hate those skinny Sex in the City bitches (or SKIBS as Poor George and I call them.)

My life would SUCK without American Idol!

CP

Kelly Clarkson is singing on the results show tomorrow

I miss Melinder

I'm glad to hear Kelly Clarkson will be back for the results show tomorrow. I get the impression she made herself a bit of a persona non grata by acting like an ungrateful little tramp for a few years. Maybe she's come to her senses and realized she'd be NOTHING without these people.

I still like her----but I wouldn't be doing my duty if I neglected to inform her of the error of her ways. That's what Punchmen are born to do.

So tonight's performances: gotta say, not bad, really. There are more than few good people this year. With that, a few thoughts:

-- That Gokey kid is pretty good. I hope he doesn't learn to dance; we need more JPL moments.

-- Sarver is still eligible to be my resident galoot. Until I have proof of any possible Mormonness in him, I'll remain a fan.

-- Kris Allen is kinda cute too. God, I must be in a good mood tonight. Somebody help me.

-- Oh, here we go: Jorge Nunez really bugs me. He's got the Molly Shannon crazy eyes, and I don't buy that accent for a second. He's been pouring it on more and more after what Simon said a few weeks ago. Jorge looks like a sort of lech. When he looks straight on into the camera, I feel unsettled.

-- Megan Cork-Me is one of Simon's pretty blond flash in the pans. (Anyone remember Carmen Rasmussen, the Mormon from Season Two that Simon saved with the wildcard vote even though she had less talent than Tom Arnold's retarded third cousin?) I don't know yet if Megan is a Mormon, but if she is, good for her for getting a divorce. But Jesus kids, let's stop using our children as a way to get sympathy votes. It's cheap, and so is Megan.

-- Adam Lambert: I want to sit him down and give him a crew cut. I hate that hairstyle he wears. No, I don't hate it, I abhor it. I want it dead. Liked his performance OK but I'm a bit puzzled why all four judges were lined up to blow him. I've felt that way about a few of our performers over the years, most notably Melinder Doolittle, and even then ALL the judges weren't ready to lick her privates til she glimmered and shimmered. Only Paula was.

-- Matt Giraud: I thought he was great. Who cares if he followed the bad hair guy?

-- The Blind Guy: I'm kinda over him.

Done.

Grand Ole Opry week

VFTW claims there is going to be a Grand Ole Opry week, and they gave a list of songs from which contestants will be asked to select theirs for performance. I've taken the liberty of selecting FOR them, as follows:

MEGAN JOY: What Was I Thinkin by Dierks Bentley
ANOOP DESAI: Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash
LIL ROUNDS: Jolene by Dolly Parton
JORGE NUNEZ: Chattahoochee, by Alan Jackson
ALEXIS GRACE: Poor Poor Pitiful Me by Terry Clark
ADAM LAMBERT: Fancy by Reba McIntyre
MATT GIRARD: Honky Tonk Badonkadonk by Trace Adkins
ALLISON IRAHETA: Walkaway Joe by Trisha Yearwood
MICHAEL SARVER: If Loving You Is Wrong I Don't Want to Be Right by Barbara Mandrell
SCOTT MCINTYRE: Why'd You Come In Here Lookin' Like That by Dolly Parton
JASMINE MURRAY: Friends in Low Places by Garth Brooks
DANNY GOKEY: She Thinks I Still Care by George Jones
KRIS ALLEN: Who Cares by No one knows who you are so you'll be long gone by then

Wild card reactions

Seriously. You let that Langseth girl and that off key Corkrey chick through, and pass on Ju'not and Kristin McNamara? Seriously.

You people are lame. Completely and utterly lame.

And you only need Von Smith OR Ricky Braddy. They're basically the same guy. Actually, that's completely unfair. I think Ricky Braddy is cute.

The above was written before the show. Now that they've made their final 13, I say that Meghan Corkrey or whatever her stupid name is has obviously entered in some unholy alliance with the AI producers, because she is a talentless hillbilly Mormon with ugly ink, or tats, as the kids are calling them. As my friend Chuckles would say, DIE BITCH DIE. (Figuratively, of course. I don't actually wish her dead.)

And may I point out that, of the five female contestants, two are teenagers and three have little kids. For some reason this bugs me. A lot.

Wild card predictions

Jorge, Felicia, Lil, Von Smith and Ju'not if any of them lose tonight, and maybe that McNamara girl. (Blind guy is in for sure.)

Anoop, Ricky Braddy, and that stupid Anne Marie Boskovich. Jasmine Murray, Kai Kalama, and Matt Girard. And if they have a brain in their head, they'll bring Nick Mitchell and Titsiana back. Danny Gokey's dead wife can only take the season so far.

Talent week

It was apparently Talent Week on American Idol. Don't get me wrong, there were some stupid, bad, even ridiculous performances. But compared to the last two weeks it was like watching the Grammys.

Double rats

Not one week after I begged for the demise of Titsiana-del-Loco and Danny-Dead-Wife, both of them come out as the top performers of the night.

This first night of voting might have been the absolute worst night of Idol ever, outside of an audition show, of course. Of the twelve contestants, I'd say only about five of them were on pitch, and pretty much every performance was a complete snoozefest. Mind you, these twelve contestants aren't the only talent for the year, therefore it's too early to say if it's going to be a good season. And I still think that Stephen Fowler, Ricky Braddy and Anoop-Dawg would be good finalists, but I don't think any of them are going to make it off this show unless they are let in as wild cards. But when you've got that Stevie Wright singing karaoke and that Casey Carlson doing a Sarah-Palin wink with an Elaine Bennis thumb dance, well, the season is NOT getting off to a good start.

The one GOOD thing to come from the night: Jackie Tohn has earned a worthy nickname...thanks to those nasty spandex pants, for the remainder of the season she will be known as Jackie 'Toe. (Yes, CP, it WAS Taco Night on American Idol. Perhaps there is a new sponsorship deal in the works.)

I text-voted for Anoop and Titsiana. I know. I suck.

Let's get this party finished

This is a picture of a crazy girl. Guess what her name is.

Gentle Readers,



Finally the stupid audition shows are over and we can start taking control of this train wreck. However, I remain underwhelmed by tonight's first live show of Season 8, and leave you with the following thoughts:



Jackie Thon: I am so glad to have Simon here tonight. Those other three judges must have been on crack to say ANYTHING positive about her. To paraphrase David Sedaris in all his wisdom, I would characterize that performance as having violated virtually every aspect of my basic human rights. I strongly suspect that those trousers featured some prominent camel toe, although I was afraid to look too closely.



Ricky Braddy: Someone needs to tell him the faux-hawk look is out. He's pretty good for a white kid trying to sound black, but those last few notes made my ears bleed. Worse than Melanie Griffith even. And what's with the wedding ring --- Mormon? And I'm afraid of his parents with those t-shirts.



Alexis Grace: I'd be more impressed if she were wearing something more than underwear.



Brent Keith: Nice eyes but he won't be back. And he talked back to Simon. No go. Mormon?



Stevie Wright: Oh honey, you seem nice but that was the worst karaoke I've ever heard.



Anoop dog: Trim the eyebrows.



Casey Carlson: I can't decide if she was better or worse than Stevie. And what is with the Loretta Lynn haircut circa 1972?



Michael Sarver: I don't know why wedding rings on these young guys makes me think they're Mormon. Probably because they are. This guy should be one of the football player-singers on "High School Musical." I kind of like him because he's different in a Taylor Hicks kinda way. He could be this season's resident galoot.



Ann Marie Boscovich: THIS is her "own spin" on that song? Forgettable. Pretty girl, though. Ok, tell me Ryan did NOT just put his hand over his crotch to cover up his excitement at her sitting "on the hard part." She totally knew what she was saying - I am not fooled for one second. Good for her. Slut.



Tatiana Del Toro: How appropriate that she'd choose a Whitney song. Lord, this girl is crazier than Tom Cruise in a furniture store.



Danny Gokey: I think this guy may have actually killed his wife so that he could use it on the show. I say this mainly because he looks a little like Robert Downey Jr. I'm not sure I've ever seen a guy tackle Mariah, but Randy must be ready to shit his pants. Paula needs to sit down. On Ann Marie's "hard part."

My Idol Hopes and Dreams

The blind guy has to at least make it to the point where they do a big number with choreography.  Are you telling me you wouldn't tune in to see the kids all criss crossing the stage and his white cane a-flapping to the strains of "I keep workin' my way back to you babe..."?  It'd also be a dream to see him behind the wheel in one of their cheesy Ford commercials.

Also, Norman Gentle for the win please.  Come on America!  Only you can do it! 

My thoughts on the final 36

I'm completely torn. I can't decide who I want off the show first: Dead-Wife-Danny, Titsiana-del-Loco or Hysterical-Headband-Guy (aka My-Mom's-In-Jail).

In early competition, my faves are Nick Mitchell, Ju'not Joyner, Lil Rounds, Stephen Fowler, Anoop Desai, Matt Breitzke, Taylor Vaifanua and Jeanine Vailes. (I fear Taylor may be one of this year's Mormons, though, which would change my vote. And yes, I said Nick Mitchell. That Norman Gentle bit cracks me up every time. It's like someone told him to be a gay Taylor Hicks.)

Oh, and let's add in Ricky Braddy because he might have the worst name for a future star ever. Every time they say his name I start to correct them ("It's pronounced BRAY-dee!"), or get a flash of Talladega Nights.

This year's theme

I've got it! This year, Simon and the gang are looking for the new Winehouse/Feist/Duffy/Adele sound-alike to cash in on the husky voiced soulstress craze. This is going to really annoy me.

And FYI to trampy Mormon girl in the layered wife-beaters:  Just because you had a baby, it does NOT follow that you can now be the American Idol.  If that were true, that chick in California that just birthed eight would totally kick your sorry ass.

It's Mormon Night!

Crazy Horses! It's Mormon night on American Idol, and we start out with an actual singing Osmond. With MS no less! This is going to be good.

Welcome to Utah! The friendliest place on earth! Unless you happen to be gay, in which case we'll marry your dead relatives to each other, but we want nothing to do with you. You better watch your back, Ryan.

Was this the guy that got married on line?

I saw the wedding happen and I could have sworn Season 6's Brandon Rogers was the groom. I was settling in for some back story from Ryan but he just swept right past this. Perhaps I'm wrong, but dude looked just like him. Anyway, I can't confirm this since I clicked "Delete" as soon as I was done watching the show. Also, no one else seems to have picked up on this and I know the producers wouldn't let something like this slide by.

Other than that, thank God last night's show was only an hour. I'm already missing the halcyon days of last week. Of course, after the innauguration, this show was rather anti-climactic, no matter how much fighting Kara and Simon did in an under two-minute montage.

Nerd kid in the closet. I know, I know this is serious.

I have been totally sucked in by the manipulative contestant storytelling. Love the blind guy. Love the tattooed chick with pink hair, and I think that moldy geek from the closet who snarked back at Simon has a bright future, at least until we get towards the final twelve.

And I was so happy to hear the Coldplay song they used. It reinforces my theory that they are talentless hacks whose sell-by date has long since passed. Oh, wait. No. They're alternative and cool. That's why they're letting AI use one of their songs.

And allow me to plug Lisa De Moraes TV column in The Washington Post...her AI summaries always make me laugh.

YAY! It's Idol season!!!!!!

I Kissed A Girl And I Liked It

Ok, the moment she leaned in and kissed Ryan and they played that song, I was hooked. I laughed so hard I think I peed a little bit. What a way to ward off the Arctic Blast! My mood has vastly improved since 7:59 p.m.

I'm hopeful; it looks like they are going to be true to their word to cut back on the weirdo's this season, which is fine. The people who get through are goofy enough.

And good job to new host, Kara. She fits in well and she's got the goods to back up her opinion. And good for Paula for making it work. By the way, the little dance that one girl lead the group in was straight off of "Get Up and Dance!," Paula's aerobic DVD that I've just resumed working out to. That move was the "George Jetson," I believe. Either that or the "Ho Down."

I'm literally out of the closet. Or rather figuratively. Actually, that skinny guy literally came out of the closet. I am figuratively out of the closet. I never sat and watched Idol while in a closet, though I did hide my love for this show, but now I'll say it proudly. He actually sat in the closet to practice singing and came out after the mold made him sick. I love the way they were totally arguing the opposite.

And will I go to hell for saying it will be interesting to watch the blind guy crack? Then I won't say it...

By the way, I'm not bothering to learn/look up contestants' names. Let's see who gets past Hollywood first.

It's the honeymoon phase in Season Eight, so enjoy it while it's fresh! Remember these times when you're in the dumps of week 13.

Bring It ON!

Don't forget: The two-hour premier is this week: Tuesday and Wednesday at 8:00 p.m.



I'm betting that the addition of a new lady judge, Kara DioGuardi, is going to cause our Paula to dig in her purse for pills and her flask, which can only mean one thing: More fun for us!



So, get your favorite product-placement beverage, climb into your skin-tight black tees, and artfully tousel your hair because...THIS. Is Amercian Idol Season 8, dawg!