Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Double rats

Not one week after I begged for the demise of Titsiana-del-Loco and Danny-Dead-Wife, both of them come out as the top performers of the night.

This first night of voting might have been the absolute worst night of Idol ever, outside of an audition show, of course. Of the twelve contestants, I'd say only about five of them were on pitch, and pretty much every performance was a complete snoozefest. Mind you, these twelve contestants aren't the only talent for the year, therefore it's too early to say if it's going to be a good season. And I still think that Stephen Fowler, Ricky Braddy and Anoop-Dawg would be good finalists, but I don't think any of them are going to make it off this show unless they are let in as wild cards. But when you've got that Stevie Wright singing karaoke and that Casey Carlson doing a Sarah-Palin wink with an Elaine Bennis thumb dance, well, the season is NOT getting off to a good start.

The one GOOD thing to come from the night: Jackie Tohn has earned a worthy nickname...thanks to those nasty spandex pants, for the remainder of the season she will be known as Jackie 'Toe. (Yes, CP, it WAS Taco Night on American Idol. Perhaps there is a new sponsorship deal in the works.)

I text-voted for Anoop and Titsiana. I know. I suck.

Let's get this party finished

This is a picture of a crazy girl. Guess what her name is.

Gentle Readers,

Finally the stupid audition shows are over and we can start taking control of this train wreck. However, I remain underwhelmed by tonight's first live show of Season 8, and leave you with the following thoughts:

Jackie Thon: I am so glad to have Simon here tonight. Those other three judges must have been on crack to say ANYTHING positive about her. To paraphrase David Sedaris in all his wisdom, I would characterize that performance as having violated virtually every aspect of my basic human rights. I strongly suspect that those trousers featured some prominent camel toe, although I was afraid to look too closely.

Ricky Braddy: Someone needs to tell him the faux-hawk look is out. He's pretty good for a white kid trying to sound black, but those last few notes made my ears bleed. Worse than Melanie Griffith even. And what's with the wedding ring --- Mormon? And I'm afraid of his parents with those t-shirts.

Alexis Grace: I'd be more impressed if she were wearing something more than underwear.

Brent Keith: Nice eyes but he won't be back. And he talked back to Simon. No go. Mormon?

Stevie Wright: Oh honey, you seem nice but that was the worst karaoke I've ever heard.

Anoop dog: Trim the eyebrows.

Casey Carlson: I can't decide if she was better or worse than Stevie. And what is with the Loretta Lynn haircut circa 1972?

Michael Sarver: I don't know why wedding rings on these young guys makes me think they're Mormon. Probably because they are. This guy should be one of the football player-singers on "High School Musical." I kind of like him because he's different in a Taylor Hicks kinda way. He could be this season's resident galoot.

Ann Marie Boscovich: THIS is her "own spin" on that song? Forgettable. Pretty girl, though. Ok, tell me Ryan did NOT just put his hand over his crotch to cover up his excitement at her sitting "on the hard part." She totally knew what she was saying - I am not fooled for one second. Good for her. Slut.

Tatiana Del Toro: How appropriate that she'd choose a Whitney song. Lord, this girl is crazier than Tom Cruise in a furniture store.

Danny Gokey: I think this guy may have actually killed his wife so that he could use it on the show. I say this mainly because he looks a little like Robert Downey Jr. I'm not sure I've ever seen a guy tackle Mariah, but Randy must be ready to shit his pants. Paula needs to sit down. On Ann Marie's "hard part."

Sunday, February 15, 2009

My Idol Hopes and Dreams

The blind guy has to at least make it to the point where they do a big number with choreography.  Are you telling me you wouldn't tune in to see the kids all criss crossing the stage and his white cane a-flapping to the strains of "I keep workin' my way back to you babe..."?  It'd also be a dream to see him behind the wheel in one of their cheesy Ford commercials.

Also, Norman Gentle for the win please.  Come on America!  Only you can do it!