Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Let's get this party finished

This is a picture of a crazy girl. Guess what her name is.

Gentle Readers,

Finally the stupid audition shows are over and we can start taking control of this train wreck. However, I remain underwhelmed by tonight's first live show of Season 8, and leave you with the following thoughts:

Jackie Thon: I am so glad to have Simon here tonight. Those other three judges must have been on crack to say ANYTHING positive about her. To paraphrase David Sedaris in all his wisdom, I would characterize that performance as having violated virtually every aspect of my basic human rights. I strongly suspect that those trousers featured some prominent camel toe, although I was afraid to look too closely.

Ricky Braddy: Someone needs to tell him the faux-hawk look is out. He's pretty good for a white kid trying to sound black, but those last few notes made my ears bleed. Worse than Melanie Griffith even. And what's with the wedding ring --- Mormon? And I'm afraid of his parents with those t-shirts.

Alexis Grace: I'd be more impressed if she were wearing something more than underwear.

Brent Keith: Nice eyes but he won't be back. And he talked back to Simon. No go. Mormon?

Stevie Wright: Oh honey, you seem nice but that was the worst karaoke I've ever heard.

Anoop dog: Trim the eyebrows.

Casey Carlson: I can't decide if she was better or worse than Stevie. And what is with the Loretta Lynn haircut circa 1972?

Michael Sarver: I don't know why wedding rings on these young guys makes me think they're Mormon. Probably because they are. This guy should be one of the football player-singers on "High School Musical." I kind of like him because he's different in a Taylor Hicks kinda way. He could be this season's resident galoot.

Ann Marie Boscovich: THIS is her "own spin" on that song? Forgettable. Pretty girl, though. Ok, tell me Ryan did NOT just put his hand over his crotch to cover up his excitement at her sitting "on the hard part." She totally knew what she was saying - I am not fooled for one second. Good for her. Slut.

Tatiana Del Toro: How appropriate that she'd choose a Whitney song. Lord, this girl is crazier than Tom Cruise in a furniture store.

Danny Gokey: I think this guy may have actually killed his wife so that he could use it on the show. I say this mainly because he looks a little like Robert Downey Jr. I'm not sure I've ever seen a guy tackle Mariah, but Randy must be ready to shit his pants. Paula needs to sit down. On Ann Marie's "hard part."


Anonymous said...

What a waste of 2 hours.

BeckEye said...

You've never seen a guy tackle Mariah? Hmm. She's been tackled a lot.

But seriously...didn't you watch last season at all? Mariah NIGHT??? Sheesh. I remember Mariah Night as the "Night That Michael Johns Was Supposed to Sing 'Vision of Love' But He Got Robbed The Night Before." And David Cook and Jason Castro did pretty well that night.

Coaster Punchman said...

Wow, I do not remember this Mariah night. I will have to YouTube it.

BeckEye said...

OR - better idea - you could just read my recap of that night! Some of the links might still be good.

Dale said...

I'm still having trouble keeping their names straight but this helps. Danny Gokey looks like a muppet and therefore I cannot abide him already.

Jake's Mom said...

I've temped in hell and this may very well be worse.

Anonymous said...

I love it ! Very creative ! That's actually really cool Thanks.