Friday, April 03, 2009

Megan Joy is G-O-N-E

Hooray! I so disliked her and her stupid ink sleeve. I didn't like her voice, I didn't like her song selection, and I didn't like constantly hearing how pretty she was. I did, however, find her dancing highly amusing. And I'm sure some avaricious record producer will snap her up...she's just as weird and campy as Amy Winehouse, but with a prettier package and none of those pesky drug problems yet. Surely there are mainstream bimbos that want to seem edgy just dying for an album of fake "standards" from a warbling thumb-dancer.

So who's next? I've accepted that Hokey's going no place. They've figured out the dead wife pimping was hurting his chances and are repackaging him (they didn't even mention that his grandfather died this week, so afeared were they that his personal death theme would lose votes.) Therefore I will focus my bile on Scott McIntyre and Matt Girard - they are easily the two next most annoying contestants. Not only are they the two most likely to appear with a piano, but they're neither one all that entertaining. Just don't ask me to choose...Scott's muzak suck ass, but I'm secretly loving the whole screw-with-the-blind-guy's-outfit-and-hair game that the stylists are playing. (That way they can remind us he's blind without actually verbalizing it, which would be tacky. Right, Ryan?) And while his vocals are sometimes better than Scott's, the ridiculously tight pants and unicorn pimple Mr. Girard sports each week are just tragic and hard to look at. And I think the cross-eyed guy is his dad.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

American Midol

How will Anoop ever take the Slumdog Idol title with all those white guy friends? It'll never work!

If only Megan could find that one song, you know, like Edie Brickell did that one time, oh and find a chisel for the Osmond teeth.

Danny looks, sounds like and is, I'm convinced, one of the Avenue Q puppets, the one with the dead wife.

Allison? The only person who should ever utter the words 'Don't Speak' and get away with it is Dianne Wiest. I hate this song by anyone.

Rather than hear Scott sing, I think they should just have him sit there while the deaf guy from Amazing Race signs the words for him.

Who knew a mole could be embarrassed?! Poor Matt. And poor Matt's mole!

I wish Lil would do that part from the Natalie Cole song 'This Will Be' that goes hugging and squeezing and kissing and pleasing, together forever through rain or whatever yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! and then go back to the motel.

The term "screaming queen" perfectly describes Adam the ant man and Adam the artist.

This is the first time I have slowed down the fast forward on Chris. He also belongs in the cast of Avenue Q but at least did a decent job.

Other weirdness: One of the contestants has a cross eyed friend or dad they cut to a few times, oh my. Also, why was David Spade there in the audience behind Randy? And where did he disappear to for one song and then show up again after?

Best orgasm faces while singing: Anoop and Kris, neither of whom I needed to imagine in this way.

Live blogging - judgity judge judge judge

Let's start by saying a) Paula's dress is silly, and b) Kara is more annoying than pretty much anything ever.

Anoop - I think he's handsome. I like his jacket with the chain on the shoulder. But I don't think he's in the same key as his backup singers, and this just feels a little all over the place. I love him, but it's all a little bit of a mess. In fact, I'm going with big mess.

Corkme - Oh God help us. She's going to massacre Bob Marley now. I hate her. But it's really fun to watch her "dance." It's twitchy and Elaine-thumb-dancy, and combining that with her warble-voiced song "stylings," she might be the worst AI contestant ever. EVER. EVERRRRRR.

Danny - What since Adam Lambert had a big hit with his slowed down unplugged number last week, Danny's decided to "mix things up" with an orchestral arrangement. Boy, Danny. That was original. I never would have expected it. (YAWN.) And may I just point out that Hokey has a problem with his breathing, as in he breathes at all sorts of inappropriate moments when he's singing. Please, someone point this out to him. Stop the creepy Danny worship, because he isn't all that good.

Allison - This will be a tough one, because I adore her but she's selected a Gwen Stefani song. And I am completely OVER this whole hide behind the instruments thing. But I think she's doing a fabulous job on this song. Seriously fabulous. And I give no credence to Randy Jackson's fashion advice. None whatsoever. Yes, the outfit is a little silly. But she's adorable in it, it's age appropriate for a 16-year-old girl and she looks like Cyndi Lauper.

Scott - He's not actually going to do a Billy Joel song, is he? Oh my. It wasn't a bad joke. He really IS singing a Billy Joel song. And they've played another joke on the blind guy with that Fonzie mullet. This does not bode well. I'll say that his vocals are probably better than they've been in the finals which, while it doesn't make this muzak performance good, it makes it slightly more bearable than usual. HA! Kara loves his new look. Does he even know he has one? And Paula brings up his blindness, which means that she figures he's in trouble. All things considered, I still don't think he belongs on the show anymore, but he deserves to stay longer than Corkme.

Gumby - He's wearing a Member's Only jacket. Is HE blind, too?! I like this song, so we'll see how he does. Hmmm. I'm ambivalent. Not particularly interesting version, and he's kind of pitchy. I think abandoning the piano would have been a good idea, because it kind of makes him look desperate and angry. I was getting used to him, and now I don't like him again. Of course, with Corkme and Scott still in the mix, he still deserves to stay. And I've never noticed that bump in the middle of his forhead. If that's a zit, then I say well done for even getting on the stage tonight.

Lil - I like the wig. What since I think Celine Dion is ridiculous I've never heard this song before so I have no idea if she's "making it her own" or not, but I like this better than what I've heard from her lately so I'm going to vote for her. And I love that she's got a big ass. Hey look! Ryan stood directly between Kara and the camera while she was talking! Cool! The judges are totally off her. They want her to go home. Yet they love Corkme. Go figure.

Adam, the white boy, is playing that funky music. He seems to have fused the whole Elvis hair from last week with his usual screaming theatrical personality. I love this song, and I hate what he's doing to it. I will never like him. Sadly, I fear I'm the only one.

Kris is singing a bitchin' Bill Withers song, and he's doing an amazing job. He has a lovely voice and this arrangement kicks ass. But he's breathing into the mic too much and it's rustling like wind. I don't understand how Kris is even on the same show as an idiot like Megan. And he makes Hokey and Lambert look like Vegas showgirls. W.O.W.

Voting for Kris, Allison and Lil because I want her to have another chance.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Bye, Bye, American Pie

I watched the elimination round on Wednizzday night while stone cold sober. Thanks for your concern.

Anyone else glad to see Sarver go? I really resent the hardcore American Pie contestant they bring on each year. They are usually so in-your-face ordinary that the only obvious explanation for their presence is that they fill a Token requirement.

He should count his hillbilly blessings that he's at least going on tour -- they make money on tour, right? More money for OxyContin. And he can foot the bill for the rape kit when things get out of hand at the next family reunion.
Chivalry is not dead.