Thursday, May 07, 2009

So now I'm pissed

Ok, that God damned Gokey has to go. Now.

I wouldn't have been overly upset if my dear Allison had been eclipsed by Adam or Kris, though I still think she's better than both of them, especially Kris.

But Danny is just not a great singer. And he is clearly the worst musician out of tonight's four finalists. He couldn't carry a tune if it had another cock he was ready to suck hanging off of it. (Hell, if NV isn't posting, someone has to be filthy here.)

The only sweet thing about Allison getting kicked off tonight is that she R-O-C-K-E-D during her closing number - she is better than Janis Joplin. Really. That, and she totally blew off that asshole Cowell and you could tell he was pissed by how he glared at her. He deserved it, that piece of shit. They're all in Clive Davis's pocket and are just doing as they are told. They aren't allowed to like anyone but Cockey at this point.

On a related note, need I remind America that although Allison is only 17, that mediocre talent Jordin Sparks was 16 when she WON? Blech.

I'm adding Allison's exit to the list of other great injustices of the world, like the Holocaust and flip-flops.



Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Hokey Gokey

Danny Gokey didn't spend last night laughing over his caterwauling performance, he spent it sucking off every single person in America! I hope it felt good for y'all!

It was heartening to see that someone had enough respect for Paula (now with fewer painkillers!) to keep the lights off so we couldn't see her lips but could still catch her flips.

What was up with Gwen Stinkfani? She's not just a girl, she's B-A-N-A-N-A-S and an even more horrifying singer than I recalled.

Thank you American Idol for reminding me that Chris Daughtry's ego is now only slightly larger than his guitar and has been taking voice lessons from pokey Gokey.


How can I be the first to realize this?

My blogging pals on Idolatry, you are seriously dropping the ball here. I simply cannot believe no one has yet come to the damning realization I am ready to utter. I am neither very creative nor observant, so I just don't understand how this universal truth could have escaped this entire blog circle.

Danny Gokey is nothing but an imitation of Michael Bolton. And a poor one at that.

I never would have dreamed there could exist such a thing as a worse Michael Bolton. But thanks to the graces of both the good Lord and Danny's dead wife, there is.

I hereby christen AI's most annoying contestant ever, Danny Bolton Gokey.

Dream on, Danny

Because you can screw up the words to a song, miss notes and sound like that poor Howard Dean at a rally and still they give you an "A" for effort. Meanwhile, Allison and Kris get panned because Randy isn't "feelin' it". And the looks on both A&K's faces as they got their critiques indicated that they now know there is a limit on positive comments from the judges, what since no matter what they do they simply cannot become Danny. In fact, I almost expected one of them to fight back at Simon by saying it outright.

Not only did Danny's singing suck, he looked like a complete idiot in his shirt and vest. It's like he thought it was Kenny Rogers night and he was about to sing The Gambler. And what's up with that stupid accent he has? He's from Milwaukee so anything other than a wide Sconny nasal is a complete put-on, likely in that misguided Timberlake-esque attempt to sound "street". And could he have been any more egotistical in the way he received the just slightly not completely sycophantic comments? I'll-have-to-listen-to-it-I-don't-think-it-could-have-been-THAT-bad my ass, Hokey. My DOG sings better than you did last night.

On a more positive note, I loved Adam last night. I thought his fake Led Zeppelin was perfect, he was charming and his duet with Allison made me happy. Flannery's right...they were really cute together. He's a class act, and while I'm still an Allison person I am now happy with the prospect of Adam as the next American Idol.

Well, They Figured Out How To Open And Close The Show With Adam

Can I just say that that was the best episode of American Idol I've ever seen? I love me some Adam and I've been wanting to see him sing with Allison for awhile now. They are so cute together and I love that Adam took Allison to his hairstylist. He's done a lot for her confidence and not just by helping her with a make-over. They've been very supportive of each other and you can see it when it's elimination time.

This is what "Rock and Roll" night never could be before. The combination of the great talent this year + Slash + band on the stage + Ryan Seacrest = Rock Cred. However, Randy and Kara did there best to shred all that up. What's with her Danny Zuko Kinicki [edited to save my car...I don't want no beef with Beckeye and I can't race at Thunder Road this weekend...I've got to go see Star Trek] act on rock night? I thought for a minute she was going to throw on her T-birds jacket, comb her hair, light a cigarette and start a rumble with the Scorpions. She's really embarassing.

I think Kris' time is up...there are too many people in love with Danny and Kris' meh performance will be his doom. He probably should have done Revolution. He would have stood out with that tune.

By the way, I want to see Adam as Conrad Birdie in the next production of Bye Bye Birdie. He's the perfect combination of talent, good looks and quirk.