Thursday, May 19, 2011

I Take It All Back

Earlier in the season, I wrote a post about how relieved I was that Simon was gone. I knew when I wrote this post that I would likely end up eating my words. Well, pass the ketchup, ya'll, it's dinner time and I'm hunkering down on some fresh verbiage.

Last night, the judges gave absolutely no criticism, except by omission. They said things like: "The chorus was great!" or "You got overwhelmed by the emotion of the song and it made a moment." When they should have been saying things like this:

Song #1

  • Scotty: Boring! Next...
  • Lauren: I get that you love that song, but it doesn't fit you; it's too old for you and I don't believe it coming from you.
  • Haley: Well done. 
Song #2

  • Scotty: That was a good song for you. You hit your target audience right on the nose, you cynical little bastard
  • Lauren: That song about dying young was ghastly. You ran out of breath and you creeped me out with your joyful celebration of "You'll be sorry when I'm gone." I'm sorry; I just don't get it. 
  • Haley: You should fire Jimmy Iovine for picking such an uninspiring Stevie Nicks tune. What a waste of a song. That said, you did the best you could with it. I hated the wind machine. 
Song #3
  • Scotty: That song was too old for you; it was not authentic. Also, it was a cruise ship performance and smarmy. However, you did emote like the good little whore you are. I see a bright future for you, our next American Idol.
  • Lauren: Fine for a beauty pagent, but not here. You sang like a robot and bored me to death. And stop touching Ryan or I'll shoot you.
  • Haley: Cliched performance of a cliche song. And you forgot the words. Unforgivable at this time in the competition.That said, at least I believed that you probably have actually done most of what that song is talking about, so I believed it. Have fun as the runner-up! Maybe you and Crystal Bowersox can tour state fairs together or something. 

Simon: Forgive me for not railing against your departure! And know that you now have a devoted X-Factor fan. 

American Idol: Suck up judges make American Idol suck ass. 

Seacrest out.