Thursday, March 15, 2007

Do not look Miss Ross in the eye

Well Dale, you got your train wreck all right. Man, I was waiting for Simon to pounce on her after that "I Love You More Today" attrocity she pulled.

My friend John once catered an event at her house in L.A., where he received the following instruction from the team captain:

"You are not to look Miss Ross in the eye."

Must be some bitch.

Are you a Fanjaya??

So I found this on an actual website....swear

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Deep Throat

Whose cock is this fag sucking?

Brandon is about as inspiring as a bowl full of chunky diarrhea and deserved to go (so did Phil "Dr. Evil" Stacey), but Sanjaya is just horrid. Whore-id.

Nobody Does It Better

Unfortunately nobody was not on Idol.

Brandon forgot the words. How hard is it to remember the words to ONE song? Evidently harder than I thought as he was not the only one to stumble. Bye-bye Brandon.

Melinda was great. Still my favorite.

Chris S was endless agony.

Gina handled Love Child wasn't bad, but it just doesn't fit her image.

I am still questioning the sanity of the people who keep voting for Sanjaya. YUCK! Thanks to Valerie we know he has another job to go to.

Ditto for the voters that vote for Haley, Phil, Blake, Chris R and Jordin.

Stephanie should stay away from ballads.

LaKisha should not wear white. And stay away from Billy Holliday. No one can do Billy but Billy.

Paula was weepy or's hard getting off the drugs. Randy and Simon were in top unforgiving form...but they were accurate.

And from PEOPLE (the magazine)....
Simon + Drunks = Truth? During commercial breaks, Idol's resident audience entertainer, comic Cory Almeida, often fields questions and comments from the audience. One young fan remarked that his father loves Simon. "My dad says kids, drunks and Simon Cowell are the only honest people in the world," he said, prompting the crowd to erupt into laughter. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Valerie's View - March 14, 2007

Did you know that Sanjaya was in the Jack Black movie, Nacho Libre?
Last night, I was laughing so hard at Sanjaya's hair that I didn't even hear his performance. Was that his strategy? Use his hair to distract people from his lack of talent/star quality/charisma/etc?

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Lady Sings The Booze

"Hey kids, lets go for a couple of drinks, I'm driving!". That's what I wanted to hear Lady D. say but instead, we have to wait until tomorrow to see if she crashes the A.I. car, so, fingers crossed.

Part of the problem for the kids tonight is that a lot of these songs are indelibly linked with the big hair, big clothes and big personality that is Beyonce Diana Ross. I don't really want to hear her songs or those of The Supremes done by other people.

If you think there ain't no mountain high enough Sanjaya, try climbing Lakisha sometime. I dare you.

It sucks

American Idol, that is. It sucks like the Flowbee that Simon apparently used to cut his hair this week. Paula was so distracted by Simon's do that she appeared to hit the pain pills again.

I have to admit that, in the past, I've paid much more attention to the initial trainwreck audition part than the later weeks where they start to look and sound like aspiring pop stars. Tonight I turned on A.I. and remembered why that was.

First I was confronted by that bald-headed, beetle-browed bug-eyed freak Phil. He couldn't be more disturbing if he sang in a mime costume. He did not make anyone in this house love him, that's for sure. Stephanie looked gorgeous, and her voice was nice and strong. She fell kind of short, though, and I agree with whoever said her arrangement was weak. Lakisha redeemed the situation somewhat by doing a pretty ballsy version of "God Bless the Child." I liked her.

Speaking of balls, is it me or do none of the male contestants sound like full-fledged men? Blake sounded...just tinny. He was a prancing little would-be Pan. Chris Richardson? Jeebus. Wipe that smirk off his funny little face. MizBubs said he'd end up as a decent car salesman in a few years; I corrected her. I said he'd end up as the assistant manager at some car rental counter, hooking up hot chicks with sweet ride upgrades if they'd party with him. Picture him in his little blue or orange car rental vest, I know you can. Another thing about the guys, what was with the bland, beige clothing? It matched their sound.

I got an overview at the end of the show, and I didn't see anything there that impressed me. Sanjaya would make someone in prison very happy, I think. Brandon Rogers was better than any of the rest of the guys, but he was not that good either. Chris Sligh was ok, but only in comparison to the rest of the guys. From the brief clip I saw, Melinda sounded better than anyone tonight.

Oh well. All I need to know about A.I. for the next few weeks I can get from reading all the stuff you guys post. Thanks in advance.

Two more hours...

Two hours... my goodness. Can I sit through it? I guess I'm going to have to. Even though the LAST one I want to see is Michael Jackson, Jr. Ick.

Here we go...

Why are the dressing Ryan in suits these days? Is he too good for jeans and t-shirts now? Jerk.

Diana Ross... nice. She is so classy. I hope the contestants can do her songs justice. That is going to be pretty darn hard though.

Brandon: He looks comfortable on the stage, but the song sounds like he's one of those infamous cruise ship performers. I do like him, though. Oh crap! He forgot some words... BAD NEWS!!!!!!!!! You cannot do that at this point in the game.

Melinda: She looks SO nervous! A nervous grandmother... god... put her in her sweats and tennis shoes so she would be more comfortable. BUT THAT VOICE! She is absolutely amazing. If she doesn't win this competition... I just can't fathom that. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

OH, Paula. You are pathetic. Wipe your tears and get off the drugs. What a joke. She knows all about "out of body experiences"...

Chris: I don't think Diana liked his version of Endless Love... I don't know if I liked it either. Guess I'm a traditional girl. Would I buy the CD if it were released on it... probably. Would I skip by this particular song when it came on... probably. Still like his voice, but I didn't like him tonight. He's still safe because of who he is -- maybe.

Gina: She is really growing on me. I like her look... don't know how much I like this song though. It didn't have a lot of energy. I agree with Paula. She is much better than she sounded tonight. It wasn't her best.

Michael Jackson, Jr: He is SO boring. Is he channeling Justin Guarini from season one? WHY is he still here? Why is Sundance gone? Did he get a perm? I can't watch. I'm going to change the channel until he's done.

OK. I'm back.

Hayley: Yawn. Pitchy... and did she mess up the words, too? The middle of the song sucked. Let me take that back... everything about it sucked... she is in the running for the bottom along with Sanj --er-- MJ Jr.

Phil: Lounge lizard. Once again he started off shaky but got stronger at the chorus. He can't do that! He has to be strong from the get go... He can hold those notes, though. He's safe even though he didn't bring any energy or ooomph to the song.

Lakisha: She will be the runner up this year. (Unless something strange happens to her or Melinda -- like getting voted off before MJ Jr.) She has a beautiful voice and star potential. Loved that performance.

Blake: This is my favorite Diana Ross song... I love his vocals, but hate the dancing. If they wouldn't show his feet I could handle it a little better. I thought it sounded really, really good! Of the boys -- he has FAR surpassed any of the others tonight. Even Chris Sligh... He is safe...

Stephanie: She is such a beautiful girl - but that was one fugly dress! Great performance. I don't know what the judges were talking about. Maybe I was concentrating on typing this to really listen. I thought she did better than what they said. She has star quality that is missing in so many of the contestants this year. I hope the judge's comments don't ruin her chances to perform again next week.

Chris R: What was that walk when he came on stage? Yuck. He didn't sound good at all. This was the worst performance I've seen from him. He could be in trouble, too.

Jordin: For a 17 year old, she has an amazing voice, and she looked beautiful tonight. Lots of control and feeling. I loved her performance. That was a great way to end the show. She is safe.

I was so freakin bored tonight. Only three performances caught and kept my attention: Melinda, Lakisha and Stephanie. Other than that it was all I could do to not turn to another channel. I just don't like anyone else this year. I'll listen to Blake and Chris Sligh becuase I really do like them, but they don't "do it" for me. I don't feel invested in these kids like I did last year.

Let's just go ahead and send everyone home and vote on Melinda and Lakisha... that is who it is going to be anyways!

Monday, March 12, 2007

More Gossip....

Simon To Quit American Idol?

Sources say American Idol judge Simon Cowell is contemplating leaving the popular program.

Second hand gossip reports say he is fed up with cheap karaoke type performances and having to restrain his criticism to save the shows growing image as a self-esteem smashing torture chamber.

Co-judge Paula Abdul replied "Sho who caresh" in between sips of her coke when asked what she thought of Simon leaving. "I'm into the ( hic ) young guy crotches who givesh a (hic) shebangbang what Shimon doesh."

Randy Jackson, just repeated the words "dog, man, like dog you know, don't dog me with that stuff man you dog? Dog it if you want but dog man I just can't get into that dog shot, like you dog?"

Rumor has it that Simon is contemplating a new talent show that allows him to express his true feeling towards contestants with flogging, letting loose of large lions on to the stage during bad performance songs, stretching off key contestants on the rack, boot stomping genetically damaged ones, water torture of those who question his critiques, and the like. He says that "if it could work in Rome, it can work here."

Many top names of other famous celebrity judges have been floating around Hollywood and Vine regarding a replacement for Simon on Idol. Among the names mentioned from reliable sources are these known personalities:

Former wrestlers and Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura and Hulk Hogan.


Vern Troyer

Geraldo Rivera

Charleton Heston

Micheal Moore

Jerry Springer

Former Idol Contestant Willie Hung

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Idol Didol Dee

I have been uninspired with this season's Idol. And now that the top 12 have been plucked and fucked, it seems silly to go back and give the girls the same treatment I gave the boys.

So we'll start fresh this week.

I will say that it's very possible I'm wrong about certain people being in danger of getting voted out. If Sanjaya is still around, then I've greatly underestimated the stupidity of Americans. You weren't stupid enough to vote for Bush -- I'll give you that much. But Sanjaya? Nevermind Iraq and Afghanistan: this is the real atrocity.

Stay tuned for more hatred.