Saturday, January 20, 2007

Saturday Night Reruns

So in the UK, they compile the week's shows, they air them on Friday, and I tivo them and watch them when I can.

I was prepared for bad after reading all of your posts, but goodness, words really don't explain this, do they?

I've just made it through MSP. My favourites are the cowardly lion and the cute little lesbian in the tie who forgot the lyrics to "Kiss" and just kept stammering about how women and girls rule her world. For like five minutes.

This is some classic television, my friends. Made even better by all that Minnesota accent.

Having lived in both MSP and Seattle, I'm figuring if the Twin Cities had this many freaks, then the Seattle show must take place under a big striped tent.

Minneapolis and Seattle

It could have been worse. Couldn't it?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Cruel Intentions

I'm the first to call out a retard, mock the fat "disabled" people who zizz around in scooters, and comment on bad skin . . . but last night was painful. I don't mean to kill your boners, y'all, but American Idol, last night, sank to a sadistic level I wasn't prepared to handle. I didn't think Simon's comments to the bona fide freaks -- not to mention Randy and Paula's cruel laughter -- were particularly amusing. In fact, my cold, black heart ached for them. How can these priveleged, filthy rich assholes live with themselves? When the cameras stop rolling, do they at all question the things they've done and said to these poor kids?

Seriously. I couldn't stop thinking about the look on the Bush Baby's face, or the way that chunky lisper stared at the judges as they tore him down. It bothered me all day at work, too, so I resolved not to contribute any negative commentary to last night's collection.

I'm not going to get on a moral high horse, because likely I wouldn't be able to reach the saddle anyway (I'm 5'0). But a line was crossed last night, so much so that I asked myself why I bother to watch the show.

Oh, except for Misha with the tits down to Mexico. Jesus fuck -- a bra, please? Her puffy nipples were mesmerizing and gag-worthy as they swayed and shimmied inside that sexy satin chemise.

Ugly cunt.

Thomas Daniels: The next American Drunkard

Thomas "Jack" Daniels becomes the latest A.I. contestant to have his criminal record exposed:

American Idol Wannabe Already Has a Record

Oh well. He's not creepy and hostile like those two twins, Terrell and Derrell, from last season. He just seems like a goofy, happy-go-lucky kid with a binge drinking problem, and what's not to like about that?

Don't Sing it.. BRING IT!

I'm so bad, I never remember (or write down) anyones name.

Here are my notes from Seattle...

Uncle Sam- I Shot the Sheriff dude from last season. Still not good. God Bless America

The Hotness? Angelina called, she wants her lips back (they look horrible on you anyway). If Simon's opinion doesn't matter, why are you here?

Drawn on eyebrow girl- you suck, and it's not because you have a cold. Water is not a cure-all.

Meesha- horribly burned bleached hair. Please get a fuckin' bra. Pussycat Dolls???

Parents, I know you want to be supportive, but please tell your kids if they suck, okay?

Thomas Daniels- slept behind trashcans. Reminded me of a hobo clown. Great voice, why was he rejected twice?

Nick Zitzman- king of the geeks. Simon needs new insults. Is he wearing a calculator watch?

After day 1 we hear "You Had a Bad Day". I was really hoping I wouldn't have to hear that song again.

Bush Baby- Tearin' Up My Heart. He's been compared to Justin Timberlake. I bet he'll bring sexy back.

Jordan Sparks- great voice, and perfect name for a star.

Big Red- Don't sing it... just bring it! I like how they called his song Bohemian Crapsody.

Of course there were others, but it was really hard for me to get through this episode. I hope next week is better.

Good luck Memphis!!

Get your blue suede shoes ready for Memphis!!

Ah, Memphis. City of BBQ, blues, and 10,000 Elvis impersonators. Nothing says hospitality and warmth like a fat man stuffed into a white jumpsuit. That reminds me, I'm out of Moon Pies and RC Cola. I'm hoping beyond belief that Memphis will showcase more talent than fruitflies. Let's all take a deep breath and put that horror show called Seattle, behind us.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Two Hours I Won't Get Back

Paula is acting like a drunken cheerleader, maybe she is a drunken cheerleader. She has to soften the blows that Simon and Randy dish out.

But then again, these people (I use the term loosely) know the show and so I'm certain they know that Simon gets a woody by eating up and spitting out worst of the worst. Tonight we saw many living in Seattle, also this was not their first shot at getting Cheneyed.

I listened...I will get you later CP...and liked the East Indian chicky and her bro'. I think it great they cheered each other. 6'7" R-E-S-P-E-C-T lady did good. She needs moving lessons. Rudy was good too.

Now many of these people (again loosely) would seem more comfortable on say the Jerry Springer show and if I had absolutely NO self-esteem I would watch Jerry to see if any showed up. Such as "Hotness" of which nothing screamed more than trashy (and it probably cost her a lot to look that way) but I did enjoy her telling Simon exactly, bleeps included, what she thought of him. And what about Frodo aka Kenneth or his metabolism challenged friend, after getting a tongue lashing still believed they would end up with a full entertainment contract in L.A. And to top it all Carrot Top's alter ego showed up. And what was that fish net get up?None but the few I mentioned above could carry a tune even if they had a bucket.

I did get a giggle out of the hairdresser Hicks wanna be tried to "purty up" Simon and got shown the door with help.

Valerie's View - January 17, 2007

Simon was right, Seattle has no talent. Did anyone catch how many people actually got a golden ticket? I think it was between 10-20?

Thankfully, most of tonight's contestants will be forgotten by the time I finish typing this. I only jotted down notes on some of the contestants. A lot aren't even worth mentioning. Most are worth forgetting.

The first contestant I'd like to forget was "The Hotness." She said, "The Hotness is something that started when I was back in high school...people just started calling me the hotness just because I've always had a personality...I've never been afraid to speak my mind...they said you know I was a *growl* spicy personality." Yes, she actually growled. My stomach growled in anticipation of hurling.

This girl had a mole on her chin that you could build a house on. As Uncle Buck would say, "Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing."

If she's "The Hotness," then you can call me "Jessica Alba."

I'm guessing the high school she went to was the local School for the Blind.

The first person from Seattle to get a golden ticket was Tommy Daniels, or Mushroom 'Fro. After hearing his voice, I was surprised that it was his third time to audition. He had a nice voice and I predict he'll go to the final ten. Big 'fros are in. He'll appeal to the "I love big 'fros" demographic.

The next contestant I'd like to forget is Melissa. She had pink fishnet pantyhose on her arms. Simon nailed it when he said it looked like she had a sunburn. I don't know what look she was going for, but it was fug. I was a bit impressed that she was able to rap "Baby Got Back" so easily though.

The next person to get a golden ticket was Blake, a guy with very spiky, frosted hair. He was wearing a white jacket and when they would just show just his headshot, I kept thinking he looked like the host of some "Wacky Professor" show. Blake showed off his beatbox skills, which were tight. As someone who did the lamest beatbox you've ever heard, in concert, I can attest that it is waaaaaaayyyyyyyy harder than you can imagine. Go ahead and laugh.

And Blake's dad looks kind of like Captain Kangaroo. So all those Captain Kangaroo fans might vote for him, if he makes it that far.

Next up were the Wonder Twins. Fortunately, they chose to sing separately. It never works out well when siblings audition together. The girl was good. I agreed with Simon, she had a nice, pretty voice, but nothing outstanding. Her brother was slightly better. They both had very nice, white straight teeth. And the brother has potential in the looks department. Find him a razor to shave off that prepubescent facial hair. And get him some product for that mophead of hair. He could clean up pretty well, I think.

And in the "let's gross out our audience" category, Gollum and Tweedledee (or was it Tweedledum?) became BFF. I don't know if Gollum's singing or dancing was worse. And I don't care. I liked Tweedledee because it's great that someone who is mentally handicapped can get in front of Simon, Paul and Randy like that.

An Amazon Woman was the next lucky golden ticket winner. She was loud, and mostly in tune, but she didn't have a great tone in her voice. Paula and Randy even admitted that they are looking forward to seeing Amazon Woman singing in a trio in Hollywood. Proof that they just let people through for their own amusement.

The last person worth mentioning was Jordin, the daughter of some NFL player that I've never heard of. She was really good and, IMO, the best of the night. Most impressive is that she's only 16. She's the only one that I'm interested in hearing again.

I'm so happy I DVR'd this episode and fastforwarded through most of it. I'm also glad my memory is poor and I won't remember most of this by tomorrow.

Is it over yet?

No... we are in the middle of hour number two and I couldn't wait to post.

What the hell is going on in Seattle? I thought last night was bad... holy crap!
  • One ugly ass chick comes in with her mom but NO BRA and then sings a Pussycat Dolls song... you have GOT to be kidding me!

  • A Taylor Hicks wannabe tries to fix Simon's hair and is escorted out by security. Good grief.

  • What was up with the Zitsman?! That was, by far, the strangest, ugliest, and most pitiful person I have EVER seen in my life. What hole did he crawl out of?

  • Bush baby was a train wreck. He and his little fat buddy made me nauseous. How could they think they were good?

On a positive note: The brother WAS better than the sister, and I think he'll make it further. What's your vote on that one?

I also loved Jordan - the 16 year old at the end. She was a cutie pie!

And Paula was coherent tonight... how refreshing.

I just can't do anymore. I think I'm going to have to sleep on it... I'll post more tomorrow. What did you think? The talent pool is VERY shallow so far.

Seattle sucked.

Hopeless In Seattle

It's not even over and I don't know what to say. The Dynamic Duo AKA Misha and Mommy were "unique" even by freak standards. Maybe it would be a good idea if Paula stays high!! I would. Now, be honest. Who did NOT love Batman and Robin.......Wes the Lemur and his portly friend? I thought they were sweet in their own bizarre, mentally disturbed way. I'm glad they have each other. Red, the sabre-toothed lumberjack from Wisconsin only served to validate all the horror stories I've heard about cheeseheads. Don't believe me? I have two words for you: Ed Gein. Check out - 22k If Ed were alive, no doubt he'd be living in Seattle. :) Good night and have a lucid tomorrow.

Ratchet, RN

Round 2

Simon Cowell says tonights show is by far the worst group of performers yet. That means worse than last night. I'm scared.

Helpful hint

When you sit through a full day of lectures, eat the vegetarian goulash for lunch and don't snack, and then head to the gym and spend an hour running on the treadmill and doing a weight circuit, you'll be happy if you don't come home and drink a manhattan and a couple of glasses of wine. Or maybe you'll be happy, but you won't be able to walk in a straight line.

Just FYI.

When Prince Cries


Randy, Simon, Paula, and the guest judge Jewel. Paula just was not herself at all. Paula... the downer drugs don't work for me. Use uppers, okay?

I'm amazed every season how many people are offended by Simon anymore. Do they ever watch the show?? I mean, really? REALLY? Do you own a TV people? That's what Simon does, ok? That's his thing. It's like, at this point whenever anyone rips on someone it's like they're pulling "a Simon".

Urban Amish. Are you kidding me? He said he has never seen the show (or a mirror, for that matter), but if you listened to the words of his song it said something like go ahead and be mean, I know where you live... like he was digging at Simon. I'm not buying it, dude.

What about the Woody the Singing Cowboy guy? He sang Folsom Prison Blues, but he sounded more like John Wayne than Johnny Cash.

The Cowardly Lion chick? OMG. Great. Thanks. You can vibrate you uvula, and I'm sure that talent could be very helpful in some industries, but not in this one, honey. Maybe she should audition again, but this time put a Chewbacca spin on it.

American Idol and I are like BFF!!! Totally! This chick "sang" Under Pressure by Queen, but I did not recognize any of it (that's what she was supposed to be singing, right?) I know she screamed "Why" over and over to begin with. This made me scream "Why", also.

As a final note... why does everybody think they are the next American Idol because they are unique? Have any of the previous American Idols really demonstrated uniqueness? I mean, I certainly like some of our previous Idols, but I don't think I would say a single one of them is really unique.

Alright Seattle... your turn.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

A virgin injects

Well, since this is a first time, I may be wrong but are the judges suppose to suck the last little bit of self-esteem out of these crooners? Paula doesn't say much, she looks like she has had one too many Valium. Simon just looks like he thinks he's a god. Jewel was having fun and trying to help but Randy must have found an inner meanie after he lost weight.

Some of the performers were fun, like the kid who couldn't carry a tune in a bucket while twirling his bamboo baton. He has a bit of an anger problem. Or the girl who was channeling Bert Lahr. How about Amish boy does "minniesoda". And the Appolo Creed wannabe...YIKES. But it takes a lot of nerve to get up in front of Simon, knowing he's the one to go to when you no longer stand to feel good about yourself.

Teshawn tried, she needs vocal lessons, and the sailor was good but needs backup. Pimple boy had a good try out but I couldn't help but stare at that crater on the end of his nose (make-up???) Michelle was good but needs more confidence. Some wore weird outfit and I hope it was by choice, not that someone selected it for them.
Oh well, looking forward to next week. I have come to realize I am not the world's worst vocalist!!...until Simon hears me that is.

Valerie's View - January 16, 2007

Tonight's episode of AI taught me a lot of things. I didn't know that Minneapolis, MN was the hometown of Prince. It also taught me that Jewel still hasn't found herself an orthodontist. You'd think with all that money she could afford Invisalign.

Speaking of teeth, I'm not sure whose were brighter, Simon's or Randy's. It's good to see they know the value of a nice smile. Did anyone else think of that Friends episode when Ross had his teeth whitened and ended up in the apartment of a woman with a black light?

The first contestant they showcased was Jessica. She was a self-proclaimed huge fan of Jewel. It was her lucky day! But it certainly wasn't Jewel's. I can't imagine what it would be like to hear one of your own #1 songs being sung by someone that sounds like they are having their nose pinched and/or have an egg in their throat.

The next contestant "worth" mentioning was the guy dressed up like Apollo Creed. Did he think that by singing in Italian he would "wow" the judges somehow? Unfortunately, I don't think any Italian off the street would have understood one word he (tried to) sing. He would've been better off entering a Dennis Rodman look-alike contest.

Apollo's outfit made me stop to think if there have ever been any contestants that were wearing some type of outrageous costume that actually made it to the top ten? I think if you truly have the talent, you don't need some schtick to make yourself stand out. Your voice will speak for itself (pun intended).

Then 16-year-old Denise "I used to be a crack baby" Jackson got a golden ticket. She can definitely be loud, but I don't think she'll make it into the top ten.

The second contestant to get a golden ticket, Perla, had Simon from the minute she pronounced his name, "See-Mon" (sounds like semen?). His nostrils flared like he was in heat! Some may say she's a Shakira wannabe, but I thought she reminded me more of a young Charo! Cuchi! Cuchi!

The Navy Guy had a decent voice, but I think he was picked more for his ability to fill the "cast" (if you haven't realized it by now, the final ten are usually a blend of types that appeal to different demographics). Navy Guy appeals to those that support the military and old granny types.

The next memorable contestant was "Lion Girl." Simon's expression upon hearing her sing was priceless. I'll let the picture speak for itself:

Then they showcased a "vocal coach" in a green shirt that bored me, but I did love Randy's expression when the "vocal coach" tried to sing in falsetto:

After that, they showed a cute blonde girl in a white sweater with a pretty voice. Not an outstanding voice, but good. I couldn't decide if she looked like Cameron Diaz, a young Reese Witherspoon, or some other blonde-hollywood type.

The next contestant, Matt, a 16-year-old Show Choir member has the makings of a great makeover. He overplucked his eyebrows. I'd like to see them grow out. I'll rack up his pimple outbreak to nerves. Let's get him some Proactiv. I wasn't crazy about his voice, but maybe a real vocal coach could help him out. Matt's got some potential. Besides, he's only 16.

The last contestant I'll mention is Josh. He said, "last year Chris Daughtry opened up a lot of doors for a lot of new kinds of voices. Mine is more of a rocker type, just like Chris."

No Josh. You're voice is not just like Chris's voice. You are merely a guy who can scream (kind of ) in tune. And stand up straight. Your posture is atrocious.

From 10,000 auditionees to 17 lucky golden ticket winners. I don't think they showcased any future Kellys, Carries or Taylors...but we'll just have to wait and see.`

Idol 2007

Did anyone else notice Simon's end of the table rising when "Almost Shakira" walked in? I guess it's true, hips DON'T lie. Gee, she got through to Hollywood...who'd a thunk it? Was Paula a tad, shall we say woozy, tonight? ( again) Pretty soon she's going to need a stick to prop up her bobbing head. A little superglue to keep her lids open? Randy was uncharacteristically mean this evening while Minnesota Nice seemed to be rubbing off on Simon...or was it "Almost Shakira" who was rubbing him? Stay tuned.

Other Door

A resounding WTF? The blank walls of my apartment were spanked with the sounds of my laughter tonight. I mean, I sat there for two hours and cackled at everything (including the commercials), but that might be 'cause I'm:

A. A lonely twenty-something spinster delirious from not having been laid for the past . . .
B. Courting a sinus infection so deadly it makes Paula Abdul's faux-Parkinson's look like a case of the Jimmy Legs.
C. Overdosing on enough Tylenol cold/flu to wipe out the US Army (if Iraq doesn't first. ba dum pum.)

I've got an ugly run-down of what happened tonight. First off, did they lock that door on the left just to be all, like, symbolic? Other door? How many times did we hear that tonight? And more disturbing, who the hell goes for the left door when there's a right door? I can't imagine. It's like driving -- stay on the right. It's just good traffic manners, that's all I'm saying.



Jewel is a top selling artist of the last decade. On what planet? I like to think I've been awake for the past ten years and not once in those ten years have I heard anyone anywhere say "I just bought the latest Jewel CD." Maybe the hillbillies who dig yodeling and snaggle-toothed superstars. I'll admit though: her hair glows with the white-girl thing I've been chasing since 1998. I'm inclined to say she's pretty, but I'm dark meat. So, Jewel is just a podunk slut with jacked teeth that your dad thinks about titty fucking while he plugs your sister.

Paula Scabdul. This woman is America's Sweetheart. Nevermind the tremors, the half-closed eyes, the sagging facial features that whisper "Bell's Palsy." Something is really wrong with Pabs, but I'm not inclined to revise my opinion of her. She's the only redeeming factor in this entire show when you account for the random cruelty of Simon Cowell and the boring drivel that is Randy Jackoffson. But didn't we all cringe at* that video last week?

*masturbate to

Randy Jackson. Boring cocksucker. I guess he's there to provide expertise on being a fat slob.

I can't help wanting to blow Simon. He's so adorable. I know it's all in the editing, but his facial expressions made my bitty clitty hop like an 8-week old poodle. He's not nearly as interesting as Paula. If it turns out he has a crack habit or likes to spew cumshots on infants from 3rd world countries, I'll kick him up to the Second Most Interesting. But so far, Paula is the trainwreck to keep your eyes trained on.


One of the most horrific people on tonight's show was that first chick who sang "Kiss" by Prince. I didn't note her name because she was really ugly. But I perked up when her singing started looking like the kind of pained, guilty orgasms you have while being raped in the park.

That Colombian skank was really pretty, but her flirting annoyed the shit out of me. I knew she'd get pushed through based on her looks -- but that's okay. It'll be so much fun to watch her ego, her spirit, and her tenuous link to fantasy SNAP once she's booted. I just hope she's saving her pennies for that long, expensive trip back to the cum-washed gutters of South America. No, bitch, your hips don't lie. They say "two dollars for a thrust and a chin shot."

It seems I didn't like anyone tonight. It's possible most people, like me, tune into the premiere just to see the resulting mess people make of their auditions. But I was waiting stupidly for someone to cheer for. That didn't happen. I'm still looking forward to tomorrow, when it looks like the three-ringed freakus is going to be oot and aboot.

I'm going back to my snot rags and self-pity. Over and out.

Land of 10,000 Tears

I don't know what was sicker about tonight - the fact that poor Jessica shed crocodile tears of sorrow once she knew her dream wasn't going to happen - or that I actually wept a bit myself watching her.

I suppose part of it has to do with my having lived in Minnesota for eight years; I could tell that little girl's emotions were genuine, even if a bit unhinged. If this were New York, L.A., Atlanta or even Chicago, I could see someone putting on a show like that just to get noticed.

But not Jessica. That girl's heartbreak was real.

And now we have Denise Jackson, the crack baby with talent. Worse yet, Simon and company made a cute blond rocker boy cry.

Will it ever stop? Minnesotans are just too nice for this cruel world of American Idol. Such delicate little critters.

On an unrelated note, I think Jewel was just bitchy enough tonight that she must be vying for a permanent spot on the panel.

And what the hell was on the nose of that queeny California Dreamin' kid?

The first two hours

Oh. My. God.

That was two hours of my life I will NEVER get back! Horrible! I only saw one person I was even remotely interested in watching continue -- the one that sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." She will make it to the finals - I bet cha... (I can't remember her name... my mind is numb.)

The "crack baby" was good, but didn't really have the look... unless they can pull an Elliott on her and do a complete makeover.

AND what was up with the girl that sang like the Lion in the Wizard of Oz? Crap! Total crap.

Minnesota was abismal... I hope they find better in Seattle. They have to... they couldn't get much worse...

God, I hope not.

One more thing... Paula didn't say much tonight. Was she too stoned? Like when the last performer (and I use that term loosely) finished, she was asked what she thought. What did she say? "Live fast"... WTF? I'm worried about her.

What Time Is It Kids?

And what should I sing first?