Friday, April 20, 2007

Fergie is a whore

Get those lady lumps off the damn stage, freak.

Art Garfunkel is Certifiable

On the UK version of AI, they've edited out Simon's eyeroll, and Cat Deeley is sitting with Art Garfunkel critiquing the show. Art's favourites? Although he is a self-confessed "Fanjaya" and thinks that Sangaya has true star quality, he also loves the "texture" Chris's nasally warbling adds to his voice, and thinks Phil is a supertalent.

Art, people already think curly hair is an indication of crazy. Please shut the hell up.

Who is the Worst Now?

Vote For The Worst now endorses Phil Stacey.

I know they're spoiled for choice, but frankly I think they should have gone another way. Don't get me wrong, it's fun to call him NosPhilratu, and my skin goes cold when he walks on the stage, but his vocals have gotten a lot better. Never having been abducted by aliens myself, I actually don't mind that much when he turns his glowing head towards the camera and points with that other worldly stare. If he used a little Dove Summer Glow and grew out that head stubble a little he wouldn't be nearly as upsetting.

Chris, on the other hand, has no facial expression, sings with a ridiculously nasal voice, and has too many tiny teeth in his head. I think maybe he comes from a long line of flossers and so the Richardsons have replaced 32 normal size teeth with 64 teeny tiny ones for extra flossing fun. And all that flossing makes them kind of pointy, so I worry that some day he's going to accidentally penetrate the mic screen and electrocute himself mid performance. Which might be a reason to keep him, actually.

Which brings us to Blake. Who is probably the cutest of the three remaining guys, but whose annoying perkiness and beat boxing wore me out before we even got to the finals. What a prat. And then there's also the part about how he seems to get more tonedeaf each week and looks stoned most of the time. The only thing that could convince me to let him stay is to promise me that next week he'll perform as the mole in a moster Whack A Mole game with a giant hammer coming down from the sky as he does that bouncy little hip hop dance he's so fond of.

I would not put any of the girls up yet. I have a soft spot for Jordin because she's got some talent even if she does smile a bit more than I generally allow. Melinda actually looks like she has a neck on country western night, and her performances are always dead on so I'm happy to see her stay around. (Confidential to CP...did you see the interview where Melinda says she listens to Kirk Franklin every day because she "needs to get her Jesus on?" Lakisha is listening to Yolanda Adams and left it at that. Both are innovative gospel artists fusing R&B and hip hop with traditional gospel music. Yolanda has been divorced twice, Kirk just went on Oprah with his wife to talk about how God helped him kick his sinful porn addiction. Are you SURE you love Mandisa Melinda? Be careful before you commit.)

And Lakisha. She is a chubby mess whose skirt is always slightly uneven getting caught on those lardy hips, and her boobs are so big I doubt she's seen her feet in years and she looks like she leaves a bit of clutter behind her wherever she goes. Rock on, my SISTAH! Lakisha Jones, the NEXT AMERICAN IDOL.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Happy Days Are Here Again

He's gone. Need I say more?

Drinks are on the house!!

Who's next...

... on the shit list?

Blake? Chris? Phil?

Notice none of the ladies are there? The only one slipping enough to go home is LaKisha and I still can't bring myself to bash her. YET.

I might enjoy the show again.

Thank GOD he's gone.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

It's Official

Sangina can now concentrate on his hair full time.

Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue

I like Martina McBride. She has a beautiful voice but tunes always bring a tear.

When Sanyuck looks in the mirror does he really say "OOH cool hair." Has he no shame? Will he allow anything to be done to him. Was he channeling a washer woman? Off, off, off!! VOTE HIM OFF NOW!!! Glad Randy & Simon said it like I thought it. Can Paula even tell the truth?

Jordin & LaKisha were very good. LaKisha should not wear those boots but this is not a fashion contest. If by some travesty of justice Melinda does not win then I hope the winner will be Jordin.

Phil, Blake & Chris were so-so. Chris voice is more suited to country. Still don't care for any of them. At least Phil didn't wear one of his ugly hats. Blake should not wear argyle when singing country.

So what if Melinda has no neck. Get over it. She has a beautiful voice. Does anyone else think she wears a wig? I like her innocence but if she wins & I am hoping she does, she will soon lose it in La-La Land. Too bad. She is the winner, hands down.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007


Phil Stacey was good. Someone must have told him black is slimming. Sanjaya sucked especially hard tonight. I guess the gag reflex is finally letting up.

Jordin didn't suck, though I was doing dishes during her song and was distracted by remnants of our bean & ham soup. (Delicious!)

Lakisha had some funky ass boots and tried to scream that Jesus song. Slipping.

Chris sounded like an amateur. Getting a bit late for that in this contest. It sounded like dueling banjos between him & that violin. Simon is going to rip him a new ass. Overall, Chris is utterly forgettable. I even forgot his name before writing this paragraph.

I'm beginning to see what y'all mean about Melinda not having a neck. It's like her head is planted directly onto her shoulders. But no matter. Melinda will be the first neckless American Idol. Love my baby.

Blake: sucked ass tonight. I cannot believe not one judge mentioned that he was NOWHERE near the pitch during the high singer part. Horrible.


Country night

I love country music so I'm hoping I will enjoy tonight. I think Martina McBride is gorgeous... I just hope she is honest with the contestants.

Here we go!

Phil: It sounded pretty good, but not a lot of umph in his moves... I would rather see some dancing or movement instead of walking around the audience. That was one of his best performances though. A lot better than the last few weeks.

Jordin: Martina is HARD to sing... After that performance Melinda better watch out! That was amazing! Amazing. I don't care what your age is, if you sing like that you deserve to be a star.

Sanjaya: Tonight is the doo-rag look. My hubby says he looks like Chaka Khan on crack... I think he looks worse. Like Justin Guarini in "To Kelly From Justin". Yeah that bad. But not as bad as this song; or the scrunched up, constipated look on his face when he sings. He just sucks and how dare he try to do Bonnie? She should kick. his. ass. That was AWFUL!

LaKisha: Good song for her. Shows her vocals, emotions, and connection to the lyrics. I thought she was slipping last week, and she may still be on the downhill slide. She didn't hold that all important note; she also sounded a little garbled... but I think she did a fine job, but she's done better.

Chris: Now -- I am a HUGE Rascall Flatts fan. HUGE. He needs to stop RIGHT now. He has the nasally vocals of Gary, but he can't hold a candle. Very pitchy. The chorus sounding OK... I can give him that, but the rest of it was bad. Bottom two.

Melinda: Do I need to say anything? I think you will all know what I have to say. Fantastic, fabulous, wonderful, marvelous... I have nothing more. Give her the title. Period. I was glad to see Simon tell her to lose the "surprise" look all the time. That is her only issue. She needs to realize she is a champion and stop looking so shocked when people tell her so.

Blake: Sounded a little pitchy. Not his best performance. May be in trouble.

My hubby's picks for the bottom two: Chris and LaKisha. I say ditto....

I REALLY want Sanjaya to go home, but I have a feeling he won't. He will stay until Phil and Chris are gone... at least.

This is not a joke...

Guess who the Maxim Online Girl of the Day is?

Click here to find out!

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Malakar Cocktail

It was tough but I did it! I didn't check this blog until I got home from vacation to see who'd sung what, who'd gotten the boot and who'd be at least as horrifying as Don Imus in their description of their unbridled love of Sanjaya!

Why won't everyone just admit that with the Lee Press On stubble, he looked at least as virile as Marc Anthony?

Is Simon's promise to leave the show as serious a pronouncement as the one UB40 made years ago when Margaret Thatcher was up for re-election? They recorded a song called If It Happens Again, I'm Leaving. She was re-elected and they stayed put.