Saturday, March 10, 2007

Valerie's View - March 10, 2007

Haley Scarnato's look-alike is...Laci Peterson.

(I'm not trying to be morbid or anything, I just think they look alike.)

Friday, March 09, 2007

Anger and Rage

Why would you people DO this to Stealer's Wheels???? How can you destroy a perfect song???? You people SUCK!

Friday Night Idol - The Girls

I don't much care for Ryan in a turtleneck, and those jeans make him look like he has girl hips. And I think Simon was onto something when he suggested that Sangaya was trying to become Paula Abdul. He looks more like her tonight than he did last night. That's creepy.

Jordan - She's like some mammoth Amazon teenager. She's beautiful, she has a great voice, and she's a sturdy-built monster. Be careful Ryan. She can snap your wannie little neck in two if you piss her off. I love Jordan. She's fabulous.

Sabrina - If you hadn't gone this week, you would have gone soon. Think of it this way. You'll get the grieving over with now.

Jersey Skank Ho - She couldn't have been worse if she'd tried. She was as bad as the people they ridicule in auditions. I hate her, and I feel sorry for her. Actually, no. Now that she's talking she is completely delusional and full of herself. She sounds like her nasty friend from auditions. THANK GOD you went home. I hear she has a career ahead of her as a Girl Gone Wild, so she'll be fine.

Hayley - Even I think I'm at some hotel bar listening to you. I feel like I should water down my martini. I must admit, Sabrina should have stayed instead of you.

Stephanie - Wow. Even when she was three she was better than JSH. Another great dress. I don't think she even needs a stylist. This is actually not her best performance. The opening was set too low for her so she could get to the top of the range. Even when she's not her best she's still good, though.

Lakisha - I agree with you all....Whitney Houston songs should not be allowed anymore. That said, she is making this song bearable, and which is a chore as far as I'm concerned. It shocks me how much talent she has. I think Ryan and Simon are struggling with their sexual longing for Lakisha. Simon hates fat people and Ryan is gay, so neither understand what is happening.

Gina - Now THIS is what I expected from Gina. And she's kicking ass doing it, as well. Learn your lesson, Gina. Do this, and you can be a female Chris Daughtry.

Melinda - I like her more now that she's justifying OCD. Oh my GOD! She's singing the Charlie commercial!!!!! I'm not sure she can turn her head to the side, but she's got an incredible voice. I'm a fan.

Friday Night Idol - Boys

Blake - I hate him. I think he's gimmicky and annoying. Every time he speaks, I imagine him flailing his arms about and saying, "Hey! Look at me! Look at me! LOOOOK AAT MEEEEE! Blake also reminds me that I am a complete geezer, as I despise that knee-dipping-shoulder-popping hipster dance he does when he sings. Seriously, it drives me up a fucking tree.

You don't get to see the British interviews done by Dumbass Cat Deeley, but she just had the boys lash out at Simon in their best British accent. As usual, Chunder Bandit was a self-absorbed twat, Blake did that Jimmie Walker Blue character of his, Phil kept saying "charismer" instead of charisma, Sundance told him he looked like a dad at a wedding, and Chris Sligh just said, "Chris, if I'm being honest you are a sexy beast, and I want to take off my shirt and show you my man boobs."

Sangaya - He hulas? No shit. And aside from his tuneless braying, I'd like to point out that with his ironed hair and two hoop earrings he looks like my friend Gina. He'd do really well at a lesbian bar.

Sundance - Not sure about the hair, pal. I'm sad Sundance left this week. I think he deserved to get into the final 12. I thought he was okay, and I think he could be great. Bummer. By the way, he is really short. He's like four inches shorter than DACD, but he does a good interview.

Travis Tritt has had some work done. That's not very "country".

Chris - I think his former fat-guy story was trying to capitalise on the obvious popularity of Sundance and Chris Sligh. It's obvious America likes to support the Fatties. But wait. Sundance got voted off. That's even MORE Fatty Votes up for grabs! Eat some bacon, my friend, because if you keep singing like this you're going to need our support. The little narrative won't win us over. We only vote for our own.

Chunder Bandit - Chunder looks like Matthew Modine. Seriously. CB thinks he did a great job. Poor little deaf boy. Chundy, here's why you got voted off:

Brandon - CP!!!! YOU could be the next American Idol! I like him better this week. And THIS is soulful, interesting stage presence, not that hip hoppin' crap, Blake. Brandon, you don't suck! Well done! I'm glad you made it through.

Phil - Nice hat. (Said with sarcasm.) I'm not sure what to make of Phil. I kind of like him, and he kind of creeps me out. I think maybe I should marry him. Except I'd kill him if he auditioned for American Idol when I was giving birth, so perhaps that isn't a good idea. Oh my. I liked the interview and now you're singing and I hate you. PLEASE STOP. I can't DEAL with all of these mixed feelings. Brain hurt ing must fast forwa

Chris - I think he's doing a mighty fine job tonight. I think his stylists are making him look goofier each week. But I like goofy. And I like the hair, and I like the back fat. GO CHRIS.

Sangaya, you're next. YOU SUCK.

Separated At Birth?

Will Diana Ross Be The Trainwreck I'm Hoping For?

As at workplaces all over the world this morning (the U.S.A. and Canada), people here are talking about the big show last night.

Several people who haven't watched the show regularly didn't know Jared Cotter and were trying to figure out which one he was. Because I had on an argyle sweater, I did my best Jared small steppin' If You Really Loved Me impersonation and then they figured it out. I think it was my eyebrows that sold it.

I'm trying to figure out how to do my best Antonella Barba. Anyone got a bunch of rose petals I can borrow?

Sabrina? Those curls were simply too tight for America. Had you used some sort of hair relaxant, Haley wouldn't still be dazed and confused over what happened.

Sundance needs a job. Preferably something where there's no 'singing'.

Would somebody please tickle Sanjaya's balls down in time for next week?

The question of the morning is

Who is Sanjaya blowing?

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Almost Done

In my humble opinion I believe Melinda should win. She improves each time she's up on that stage. She has style and energy and can stay on key and she doesn't have a big ego...yet.

Jordin...good energy...bad song feeling

Antonella...I just don't care for her style

Haley...better this week but why did Simon have to say he didn't know her name

Stephanie...another no feeling singer

LaKisha...very good, made Whitney's song her own. Got a kick out of her cheering section!

Gina...wants to be a hard rocker. She's her own person at least.

But I still think Melinda should win as I said in the beginning.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Valerie's View - March 7, 2007

Gina Glocksen's celebrity look-alike is...

Dr. Callie Torres (Sara Ramirez)

I don't really want to do this...

I just don't feel invested in AI this season. I only like - really like - 3 people. That sucks. Last season was SOOOO much better.

I swear if Sanjaya doesn't go home this week, I will stop watching.

Let's get on with it... sheesh...

Jordin: She is so cute and she kicked it off right. Much better than any of the guys last night. I enjoyed that performance.... a lot. Baby got back, too!

Sabrina: She looked damn not tonight - and sounded pretty good too. I still want her to do something with her hair... and her dress was bunched up around her a$$. Pull it down.

Antonella-- aka -- Jersey Skank Ho: God she sucks. That's all.

Haley: Don't like that song... she was almost as bad as JSH. She's a cute girl, but still not as talented as the others. Boring. She's in trouble. She was a whiney baby after Simon had his say...

Stephanie: Why did she have a mike on her dress as well as the one she was singing with? Love her. She looked beautiful and her voice was fantastic. Top 10- definitely.

Lakisha: As much as I like her, I can't stand Whitney! PLEASE STOP SINGING IT! I always feel like I'm watching a karaoke competition... it is old and boring. BUT Lakisha did a better job than anyone else I have ever heard try to attempt this particular song.

Gina: Perfect song for her. She sounded great! At one point it sounded a little screechy, but she pulled it out. I think she's safe.

Melinda: I want them to stop dressing her like a grandmother! She needs to be more edgy and hip! Come on! Her voice though... DAYUM! I love her more and more every single week. Tonight's song was a little old, but she made it sound so freakin' good.

Observation: Ryan had the Simon look tonight with the black turtleneck and tight jeans. And Simon had one light gray. My goodness... is the world coming to an end?

Simon was spot on the entire night. Who knows Haley? The cream is rising to the top now... and it's not Antonella or Haley. They are my predictions to go home.

Gossip News

I'm here at home for the next month recovering from surgery and have nothing better to do then find stupid shit like the following. I only have one question. Didn't Frenchie get kicked off AI 4 years ago for the same thing???

Idol Bares All - American Idol Antonella Barba has reached a new level of fame. "Friends" of Barba released explicit photos of her over the internet. Fox was quick to glom onto the story which boosted ratings for the Fox show American Idol as well as boosting Antonella's votes on the show. The sultry songstress bared her bum and then some. Since the release of the pictures, Antonella has acquired a new male fan base. Even though her performances haven't improved her vote tallies have. Antonella's new found internet popularity has the phones ringing off the hook. The votes are in and the public wants to see even more of Antonella.. These pictures are hot and do not leave anything to the imagination. Skandalicious!

Another Hour

I voted for Travis Tritt, I loved his rendition of 'The Bible Belt'. OOPS!

Blake and Sanjaya are not favorites. Sanjaya reminds me of Michael Jackson and Blake just needs some style. Blake should try out for stand up comedy.

Sundance is just bland to me.

I have more appreciation for Chris Richardson this week. He must have gotten a vocal coach. Simon called his singing cutesy.

Jared is OK to look at (he should try out for America's Next Model) but still not good at staying on key.

Brandon had more energy but I agree with Simon that was not the right song for him. New favorite though.

Phil...Bad song and bad outfit Dude. He had been my favorite.

Chris Sligh, I just can't get past the bad hair. I do like his pipes. So I guess it would be like Elvis..I can listen to him but not look at him. He needs a stylist. Someone help him.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Here we go again...

It's Tuesday night and time to rock... well... maybe. I just do NOT look forward to the guy's performances. Isn't that sad?

Eight left... we vote it down to six and then they mix it up.

Here we go!

Blake: I loved Jimmy Walker Blue! He gets better and better each week. That was awesome! He does need someone to help him dress, though. He looks too sloppy. Plus I think he needs to tone down the beat boxing... getting a little old. The vocals were fantastic though! He's safe.

Sanjaya: What' s up with his hair?! Is he trying to look like his sister? I'm not surprised at all that the boy can hula... sissy. Go home. Now. Pretty please. With sugar on top. You do not deserve to be in the top 12. Yawn. Bye.

Did you notice the audience didn't boo when the three judges said it wasn't that good. Hello?! America?! Are you listening? The boy needs. to. go. home.

Sundance: He trimmed his beard and spiked his hair... the physical transformation begins. That was pretty good. He isn't the best guy in the competition but it was worth listening too. I think he's going to be in the top 12.

Chris R: At least he's not bopping around tonight, but he sounds like crap. Very pitchy. He needs to stick with the faster stuff. His runs were bad. Real bad. Tonight was a really bad performance... he's sounded better. Randy liked it? Paula liked it? Simon said it was good? I don't agree. I thought it sucked.

Jared: Stevie in argyle... the look doesn't work. And the faces were even worse. I didn't watch much of his performance. I wanted to see if I could "hear" him on a CD... I think I could. I agree with Paula though... he needs to mix it up. It was a safe performance and he didn't add his personality to it.

Brandon: That is one talented guy. He can sing AND play classical piano. He's slowly moving up my favorites list. He should be in the top 12... maybe even the top 10. I do want him to remove his lips from the microphone though. That was a bit disturbing. ;) Now Phil has to come up and put his mouth close to the same mike. Ick...

Phil: As usual... he starts off like crap and then gets comfortable. Tonight was bad though. He was pitchy, sounded a bit off, and screamed the ending. Nope. Didn't like it. I didn't like the Bing Crosby hat either. He may be in trouble this week. It wouldn't surprise me.

Chris S: If a guy wins this competition it will be Chris. All the other guys need to just pack their bags and fly home. He is awesome! Lisp and all.

I think the guys were awful tonight -- with the exception of one or two. This was almost as bad as the first night.

Going home: Sanjaya (PLEASE) and Phil or Jared.

Using My Mojo to Damn the Morons

Chunder Bandit and Jersey Skank Ho, may you forget your lyrics, trip on the stage, and perhaps shit your pants during your performances. Surely that will lose you enough votes to get you off the show.

And Sangaya, please sing Ben, the classic Michael Jackson song about boy/rat luvin'. It'll really suit you.

It's time for you all to get the hell out of here.

I am going to bed dreaming of your demise.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Round Two - The Girls

Sunday afternoon, a bit of Tivo, and an afternoon of AI.

Gina - I agree with Simon. You were fine, but I was looking forward to something more edgy from you. Seriously, you have a pierced tongue. Why are you singing Heart? I still think your mom is cute, though, and you should stay long enough to find yourself. You were sharp, though, so be careful or you're going home. There are some really good singers in this competition and you've got to at least be on pitch to stay long.

Alaina - This is a good song, but not sure why you chose it. I think you've got anger and an internal agenda that I'm not giving you credit for because you're pretty and you're wearing a baby-doll evening dress. But you're also pitchy and not that good. I wish I could like you, but I can't. You should have gone home, but not before Skank-Ho, so i'll be outraged on our behalf this week.

Lakisha - Jee SUS. She's is laying this song DOWN. And she's using a nice mix of subtlety and power, something these other girls don't have...they seem to think screaming will get you anyplace. This girl rocks. And I'm not even mad at Simon for criticising her clothes, because while I think it's fine he's right about the fact that she's going to be a big star, so it's time to start working on image.

I love that the power singer in the AI band is wearing a Tenacious D shirt, by the way. If only they had Jack Black as a guest artist advisor for these people. Now THAT would be some television.

Melinda - This is a killer song, and she is doing a fine version of it. She's got the skill to stylize a song. No obnoxious mariah-ing of the notes...she's seriously riffing, and it is completely appropriate. Another phenomenal talent, this one.

Sadly, somewhere down the line Lakisha and Melinda are going to split the people who vote for talent, one of them will go out and Jersey Skank-Ho will stay with her tone deaf braying and her little girl whore dance.

Jersey Skank-Ho: Oh my, that's a dress. Who is dressing you? With go-go boots and overly ironed hair I would have cut you some slack for going retro, but with the prozzy heels and the feathered layers you just look sleazy. And you're still flat with your singing. How dare you roll your eyes at the criticism, you self-absorbed slag. And your ass moves up and down when you nod. And now you've compared yourself to Jennifer Hudson. YOU ARE EVIL. GO AWAY.

Jordin Sparks: Jordin gets two names because Jordin Sparks is a superstar name. Your dress isn't as flattering as it should be. Considering she's 17, she must have been the prime target audience when the Mulan came out, which makes this song really suitable for her. And she's doing a good job, and she should because she's probably been singing this song in her room for years now. Lovely voice, this girl has.

Stephanie: She is just beautiful, this girl. And she's got another great dress tonight. I don't really like this song, but she's got a great voice and a lot of style. I think she's got star potential, and so I want her to stay in.

If life is fair, there will be a Lakisha-Melinda-Stephanie final, one week after they hug Chris Sligh goodbye. Sadly, life is not fair and it's going to be a JerseySkankHo-Sangayah-Jared Cotter final after they say aloha to Sabrina Sloan.

Leslie: I know she goes home, but I think that America made a bad decision on this one. I think she's a lot of fun and I though she did a good job. Nina Simone is not an easy one to take on, and she did a perfectly respectable job. And I like the funky little outfit. It suits her. Simon called her Les, which I think means he likes her, even though he told her to step up her game. I'm sorry you went home, Leslie. I think it's funny when they say the word "scat" on TV. Heh heh.

Judges are using stupid analogies this week. Duh.

Haley Scarnato: You were dull last week, so this week you're trying for dirty. You're not pulling it off, and you look kind of crazy. As in insane, not wacky. Your voice isn't horrible until you try to flip a run, but you're just not that good. As long as you're gone by the final twelve I'm okay with you being here another week.

Sabrina Sloan: Screamer. I don't like screamers. Shut up.

Sick and tragic that Leslie went home, and ridiculous that Skank-Ho didn't. Alaina, well, she should go home eventually.

Next week we'd better get rid of JSH or I'm going to spit.

A Canadian is Idle (The Boys)

Yeah, I know I'm a fucking loser, waiting until Saturday night to re-cap on the Idles. But I've been on vacation for a week and, well, having to think about this bunch of sluts and losers (this season, anyway), has felt like another job. And without further ado, I do declare:

Jared Cotter: What a pretender. Are we supposed to sit up and clap for him just because he's Black and playing at being soulful? Why in fuck's name does every dark meat contestant think that they can do Marvin Gaye any justice? Put down the microphone, asshole. I've got a bullet with your name on it. har har. Oh, and those eyebrows: that's some mud-drawn shit right there. Very Joan Crawford circa career-spiraling-down-the-toilet.

AJ Tabaldo: Sings okay, but he's unbelievably boring. I knew he wasn't going to last simply because he's so nice. He gets voted off and Sanjaya, the Gayest Gay Homo in all of Gayland, gets to stick around and he says it's okay? Oh, is it. Good luck flipping burgers for the next 20 years, pussy.

Phil Stacey: Fucking freak-eyed Dr. Evil. I hate this guy. I hate him so much that I can't even hear him singing over the raging blood in my ears. I don't even care to see him humiliated: vote him off NOW, Americans. (I'm Canadian and, as usual, have no power)

Sanjaya Malakar: I liked this kid in his audition, but he hasn't juiced my bean ever since. I'm a fag hag just like any girl who can't get laid, but this guy is the thermo nuclear meltdown of faggo-sexuality. I feel totally molested whenever he's on screen. What the fuck is up with that perma-smile? Looks like Seacrest might've left his dick in there during taping. Or else he's whoring for Colgate. P.S. - he can't sing. He seems as shocked as we all are that he's getting the votes.

Chris Sligh: Fatty can blow. I'm a champion of the underdog, so I hope Tubby McFucks gets to stick around for a while. He won't win though. Even if America lets a blubber tank like him win, he'll end up in the bargain bins like Taylor Hicks and that guy who came in second behind Clay Gayken. Nice curls, though.

Nick Pedro: Jesus fuck with the Vote for Pedro shit. I'm sure he's mumbling it crazily to himself as he goes back to landscaping in Massachusetts. Ouch.

Blake Lewis: Beat boxing on American Idol. Okay, Token. You'll get to stick around only as long as America digs the flavour. Three weeks more, tops!

Brandon Rogers: I think he's got great tone, but he can't truly carry a song. His voice is often nasally and drowned out by the music. Bottom line is he needs to be strung up and tortured with bizarre liquid products for butchering "Careless Whisper." That song is sacred.

Chris Richardson: I can't remember anything about his performance except he reeks of Justin Trousersnake. A pale imitation of. Boo!

Sundance Head: Another tubbachunks to cheer for, except this one is probably a bit talented. However, I don't think ZZ Top is stepping up with his song choices. How about some Blues Traveler? Yeah. His last name sounds like a blow job. Ryan and Simon must be tickled purple over this.