Fantasia rocks

Out of all the winning song finales (or whatever you call that when the winner has to sing) Fantasia's is the bestest of the best. I sat here and cried like a baby while she performed. She just radiates eternity.

God I'm drunk..

Cocktails consumed: approximately 4

Auditions are STUPID

I'm about 1/3 the way through the 'Best of American Idol Seasons 1-4' DVD. I have the following observations:

* Kelly Clarkson is hot. It's not fair that some people get all the looks and the talent. Although I'm happy that she's porked out a bit. And I don't even mean that in a mean way.

* I am OVER the auditions. O-V-E-R. About 2/3 of what I've seen on this DVD so far are rehashes of all the bad auditions. And Simon says "Oh yeah, all these people are genuine."

Balls.

Cocktails consumed: about 2 1/2

Mood: giddy

Holy Sh*t!

Gentle Readers,

Poor George flew up to San Francisco to see Mama Gin. Leaving me all alone on Idol night. (At least I think tonight is Idol night; I haven't checked the TV listings.)

So how do I cope? By fixing up a nice plate 'o nachos with red beans, jalapenos, jack cheese, olives, and oh yeah, you do need the damn tortilla chips.

And a nice shaker 'o pomo-peach cosmos to go with it.

'Cept I don't normally mix cocktails for one, so I didn't even think about what I was doing. And now I've got mee-self a nice double batch. It may even be a triple, on accounta I provide a generous pour even when it's just PG and me.

I'm beginning the evening by watching a DVD I got from the library - "The Best of American Idol Seasons 1-4." Then I'll move on to the real thing. I will provide periodic updates throughout the evening.

Fasten your seatbelts. It's gonna be a bumpy night.

CP

Megan Joy is G-O-N-E

Hooray! I so disliked her and her stupid ink sleeve. I didn't like her voice, I didn't like her song selection, and I didn't like constantly hearing how pretty she was. I did, however, find her dancing highly amusing. And I'm sure some avaricious record producer will snap her up...she's just as weird and campy as Amy Winehouse, but with a prettier package and none of those pesky drug problems yet. Surely there are mainstream bimbos that want to seem edgy just dying for an album of fake "standards" from a warbling thumb-dancer.

So who's next? I've accepted that Hokey's going no place. They've figured out the dead wife pimping was hurting his chances and are repackaging him (they didn't even mention that his grandfather died this week, so afeared were they that his personal death theme would lose votes.) Therefore I will focus my bile on Scott McIntyre and Matt Girard - they are easily the two next most annoying contestants. Not only are they the two most likely to appear with a piano, but they're neither one all that entertaining. Just don't ask me to choose...Scott's muzak suck ass, but I'm secretly loving the whole screw-with-the-blind-guy's-outfit-and-hair game that the stylists are playing. (That way they can remind us he's blind without actually verbalizing it, which would be tacky. Right, Ryan?) And while his vocals are sometimes better than Scott's, the ridiculously tight pants and unicorn pimple Mr. Girard sports each week are just tragic and hard to look at. And I think the cross-eyed guy is his dad.

American Midol

How will Anoop ever take the Slumdog Idol title with all those white guy friends? It'll never work!


If only Megan could find that one song, you know, like Edie Brickell did that one time, oh and find a chisel for the Osmond teeth.


Danny looks, sounds like and is, I'm convinced, one of the Avenue Q puppets, the one with the dead wife.


Allison? The only person who should ever utter the words 'Don't Speak' and get away with it is Dianne Wiest. I hate this song by anyone.


Rather than hear Scott sing, I think they should just have him sit there while the deaf guy from Amazing Race signs the words for him.


Who knew a mole could be embarrassed?! Poor Matt. And poor Matt's mole!


I wish Lil would do that part from the Natalie Cole song 'This Will Be' that goes hugging and squeezing and kissing and pleasing, together forever through rain or whatever yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! and then go back to the motel.


The term "screaming queen" perfectly describes Adam the ant man and Adam the artist.


This is the first time I have slowed down the fast forward on Chris. He also belongs in the cast of Avenue Q but at least did a decent job.


Other weirdness: One of the contestants has a cross eyed friend or dad they cut to a few times, oh my. Also, why was David Spade there in the audience behind Randy? And where did he disappear to for one song and then show up again after?

Best orgasm faces while singing: Anoop and Kris, neither of whom I needed to imagine in this way.

Live blogging - judgity judge judge judge

Let's start by saying a) Paula's dress is silly, and b) Kara is more annoying than pretty much anything ever.

Anoop - I think he's handsome. I like his jacket with the chain on the shoulder. But I don't think he's in the same key as his backup singers, and this just feels a little all over the place. I love him, but it's all a little bit of a mess. In fact, I'm going with big mess.

Corkme - Oh God help us. She's going to massacre Bob Marley now. I hate her. But it's really fun to watch her "dance." It's twitchy and Elaine-thumb-dancy, and combining that with her warble-voiced song "stylings," she might be the worst AI contestant ever. EVER. EVERRRRRR.

Danny - What since Adam Lambert had a big hit with his slowed down unplugged number last week, Danny's decided to "mix things up" with an orchestral arrangement. Boy, Danny. That was original. I never would have expected it. (YAWN.) And may I just point out that Hokey has a problem with his breathing, as in he breathes at all sorts of inappropriate moments when he's singing. Please, someone point this out to him. Stop the creepy Danny worship, because he isn't all that good.

Allison - This will be a tough one, because I adore her but she's selected a Gwen Stefani song. And I am completely OVER this whole hide behind the instruments thing. But I think she's doing a fabulous job on this song. Seriously fabulous. And I give no credence to Randy Jackson's fashion advice. None whatsoever. Yes, the outfit is a little silly. But she's adorable in it, it's age appropriate for a 16-year-old girl and she looks like Cyndi Lauper.

Scott - He's not actually going to do a Billy Joel song, is he? Oh my. It wasn't a bad joke. He really IS singing a Billy Joel song. And they've played another joke on the blind guy with that Fonzie mullet. This does not bode well. I'll say that his vocals are probably better than they've been in the finals which, while it doesn't make this muzak performance good, it makes it slightly more bearable than usual. HA! Kara loves his new look. Does he even know he has one? And Paula brings up his blindness, which means that she figures he's in trouble. All things considered, I still don't think he belongs on the show anymore, but he deserves to stay longer than Corkme.

Gumby - He's wearing a Member's Only jacket. Is HE blind, too?! I like this song, so we'll see how he does. Hmmm. I'm ambivalent. Not particularly interesting version, and he's kind of pitchy. I think abandoning the piano would have been a good idea, because it kind of makes him look desperate and angry. I was getting used to him, and now I don't like him again. Of course, with Corkme and Scott still in the mix, he still deserves to stay. And I've never noticed that bump in the middle of his forhead. If that's a zit, then I say well done for even getting on the stage tonight.

Lil - I like the wig. What since I think Celine Dion is ridiculous I've never heard this song before so I have no idea if she's "making it her own" or not, but I like this better than what I've heard from her lately so I'm going to vote for her. And I love that she's got a big ass. Hey look! Ryan stood directly between Kara and the camera while she was talking! Cool! The judges are totally off her. They want her to go home. Yet they love Corkme. Go figure.

Adam, the white boy, is playing that funky music. He seems to have fused the whole Elvis hair from last week with his usual screaming theatrical personality. I love this song, and I hate what he's doing to it. I will never like him. Sadly, I fear I'm the only one.

Kris is singing a bitchin' Bill Withers song, and he's doing an amazing job. He has a lovely voice and this arrangement kicks ass. But he's breathing into the mic too much and it's rustling like wind. I don't understand how Kris is even on the same show as an idiot like Megan. And he makes Hokey and Lambert look like Vegas showgirls. W.O.W.

Voting for Kris, Allison and Lil because I want her to have another chance.

Bye, Bye, American Pie

I watched the elimination round on Wednizzday night while stone cold sober. Thanks for your concern.

Anyone else glad to see Sarver go? I really resent the hardcore American Pie contestant they bring on each year. They are usually so in-your-face ordinary that the only obvious explanation for their presence is that they fill a Token requirement.

He should count his hillbilly blessings that he's at least going on tour -- they make money on tour, right? More money for OxyContin. And he can foot the bill for the rape kit when things get out of hand at the next family reunion.

Chivalry is not dead.

(S)Hit, (S)Hit, (P)Ass

Has anyone ever watched it stoned? It's infinitely more grotesque, trust.

Unfortunately, I have to admit that Lambert cleans up nice. He looked like a lesbian on her way to City Hall for a civil union. Cold cuts and non-alcoholic beer would be served at the reception.

I'd recap, but all I remember feeling is utter terror.

My brief response

Girard - It was better than I expected. But you're all teeth, no gums. And why play the piano at all for that performance? We get it. You play the piano. Move on.
Kris - I take it all back. You are memorable, and I really like you. You're also kind of cute.
Scott - No fair making the blind guy wear that outfit. You're too earnest. Go make easy listening records and leave us alone.
Megan - It's shocking that anyone is still pretending you are anything other than a no-talent annoyance. And put some shoes on, tramp.
Anoop - I don't like that song at all, but I like you so it's okay. Get those brows threaded, though.
Sarver - Did you hit ANY of the notes?
Lil - You looked great, but I agreed with most of the judges that you were not that interesting. Pick up your game, because I like you.
Adam - My, you're the dramatic one, aren't you? Blow us some air kisses and stop trying to look like Elvis.
Danny - That marching in place really added to the whole effect of your performance.
Allison - Holy shit, girl. That was awesome.

American Retard

Can Danny Gokey please go the way of the wifey bird and die? We have to hear about his dead wife more than even any other contestant on the show and, frankly, I'm not feeling it. I know we need the token sympathy vote, but couldn't we pick a 15 year old quadriplegic orphan with brain cancer, or something?

I'm fully expecting Simon to have Mrs. Gokey exhumed (if only for ratings) and prop her up as another wild card contestant. I bet she'd be really stiff competition. Zing!

I hate everyone except Fake Michael Boob-lay. He's charming, mostly because he's not talented. I like guys who keep it rill.


More hate later.

Never can say I'm sorry...to see Jorge go home

I do feel bad for the guy because it appears he has feelings, but I really didn't want to watch him cry for the next 13 weeks. And now he is free to go practice his lecherous glare somewhere else, far away from my tv monitor.

Despite my calling Kelly C. a tramp, I do love the gal. She's put on a little poundage too and I think it's cute on her. I hate those skinny Sex in the City bitches (or SKIBS as Poor George and I call them.)

My life would SUCK without American Idol!

CP

Kelly Clarkson is singing on the results show tomorrow

I miss Melinder

I'm glad to hear Kelly Clarkson will be back for the results show tomorrow. I get the impression she made herself a bit of a persona non grata by acting like an ungrateful little tramp for a few years. Maybe she's come to her senses and realized she'd be NOTHING without these people.

I still like her----but I wouldn't be doing my duty if I neglected to inform her of the error of her ways. That's what Punchmen are born to do.

So tonight's performances: gotta say, not bad, really. There are more than few good people this year. With that, a few thoughts:

-- That Gokey kid is pretty good. I hope he doesn't learn to dance; we need more JPL moments.

-- Sarver is still eligible to be my resident galoot. Until I have proof of any possible Mormonness in him, I'll remain a fan.

-- Kris Allen is kinda cute too. God, I must be in a good mood tonight. Somebody help me.

-- Oh, here we go: Jorge Nunez really bugs me. He's got the Molly Shannon crazy eyes, and I don't buy that accent for a second. He's been pouring it on more and more after what Simon said a few weeks ago. Jorge looks like a sort of lech. When he looks straight on into the camera, I feel unsettled.

-- Megan Cork-Me is one of Simon's pretty blond flash in the pans. (Anyone remember Carmen Rasmussen, the Mormon from Season Two that Simon saved with the wildcard vote even though she had less talent than Tom Arnold's retarded third cousin?) I don't know yet if Megan is a Mormon, but if she is, good for her for getting a divorce. But Jesus kids, let's stop using our children as a way to get sympathy votes. It's cheap, and so is Megan.

-- Adam Lambert: I want to sit him down and give him a crew cut. I hate that hairstyle he wears. No, I don't hate it, I abhor it. I want it dead. Liked his performance OK but I'm a bit puzzled why all four judges were lined up to blow him. I've felt that way about a few of our performers over the years, most notably Melinder Doolittle, and even then ALL the judges weren't ready to lick her privates til she glimmered and shimmered. Only Paula was.

-- Matt Giraud: I thought he was great. Who cares if he followed the bad hair guy?

-- The Blind Guy: I'm kinda over him.

Done.

Grand Ole Opry week

VFTW claims there is going to be a Grand Ole Opry week, and they gave a list of songs from which contestants will be asked to select theirs for performance. I've taken the liberty of selecting FOR them, as follows:

MEGAN JOY: What Was I Thinkin by Dierks Bentley
ANOOP DESAI: Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash
LIL ROUNDS: Jolene by Dolly Parton
JORGE NUNEZ: Chattahoochee, by Alan Jackson
ALEXIS GRACE: Poor Poor Pitiful Me by Terry Clark
ADAM LAMBERT: Fancy by Reba McIntyre
MATT GIRARD: Honky Tonk Badonkadonk by Trace Adkins
ALLISON IRAHETA: Walkaway Joe by Trisha Yearwood
MICHAEL SARVER: If Loving You Is Wrong I Don't Want to Be Right by Barbara Mandrell
SCOTT MCINTYRE: Why'd You Come In Here Lookin' Like That by Dolly Parton
JASMINE MURRAY: Friends in Low Places by Garth Brooks
DANNY GOKEY: She Thinks I Still Care by George Jones
KRIS ALLEN: Who Cares by No one knows who you are so you'll be long gone by then

Wild card reactions

Seriously. You let that Langseth girl and that off key Corkrey chick through, and pass on Ju'not and Kristin McNamara? Seriously.

You people are lame. Completely and utterly lame.

And you only need Von Smith OR Ricky Braddy. They're basically the same guy. Actually, that's completely unfair. I think Ricky Braddy is cute.

The above was written before the show. Now that they've made their final 13, I say that Meghan Corkrey or whatever her stupid name is has obviously entered in some unholy alliance with the AI producers, because she is a talentless hillbilly Mormon with ugly ink, or tats, as the kids are calling them. As my friend Chuckles would say, DIE BITCH DIE. (Figuratively, of course. I don't actually wish her dead.)

And may I point out that, of the five female contestants, two are teenagers and three have little kids. For some reason this bugs me. A lot.

Wild card predictions

Jorge, Felicia, Lil, Von Smith and Ju'not if any of them lose tonight, and maybe that McNamara girl. (Blind guy is in for sure.)

Anoop, Ricky Braddy, and that stupid Anne Marie Boskovich. Jasmine Murray, Kai Kalama, and Matt Girard. And if they have a brain in their head, they'll bring Nick Mitchell and Titsiana back. Danny Gokey's dead wife can only take the season so far.

Talent week

It was apparently Talent Week on American Idol. Don't get me wrong, there were some stupid, bad, even ridiculous performances. But compared to the last two weeks it was like watching the Grammys.

Double rats

Not one week after I begged for the demise of Titsiana-del-Loco and Danny-Dead-Wife, both of them come out as the top performers of the night.

This first night of voting might have been the absolute worst night of Idol ever, outside of an audition show, of course. Of the twelve contestants, I'd say only about five of them were on pitch, and pretty much every performance was a complete snoozefest. Mind you, these twelve contestants aren't the only talent for the year, therefore it's too early to say if it's going to be a good season. And I still think that Stephen Fowler, Ricky Braddy and Anoop-Dawg would be good finalists, but I don't think any of them are going to make it off this show unless they are let in as wild cards. But when you've got that Stevie Wright singing karaoke and that Casey Carlson doing a Sarah-Palin wink with an Elaine Bennis thumb dance, well, the season is NOT getting off to a good start.

The one GOOD thing to come from the night: Jackie Tohn has earned a worthy nickname...thanks to those nasty spandex pants, for the remainder of the season she will be known as Jackie 'Toe. (Yes, CP, it WAS Taco Night on American Idol. Perhaps there is a new sponsorship deal in the works.)

I text-voted for Anoop and Titsiana. I know. I suck.

Let's get this party finished

This is a picture of a crazy girl. Guess what her name is.

Gentle Readers,



Finally the stupid audition shows are over and we can start taking control of this train wreck. However, I remain underwhelmed by tonight's first live show of Season 8, and leave you with the following thoughts:



Jackie Thon: I am so glad to have Simon here tonight. Those other three judges must have been on crack to say ANYTHING positive about her. To paraphrase David Sedaris in all his wisdom, I would characterize that performance as having violated virtually every aspect of my basic human rights. I strongly suspect that those trousers featured some prominent camel toe, although I was afraid to look too closely.



Ricky Braddy: Someone needs to tell him the faux-hawk look is out. He's pretty good for a white kid trying to sound black, but those last few notes made my ears bleed. Worse than Melanie Griffith even. And what's with the wedding ring --- Mormon? And I'm afraid of his parents with those t-shirts.



Alexis Grace: I'd be more impressed if she were wearing something more than underwear.



Brent Keith: Nice eyes but he won't be back. And he talked back to Simon. No go. Mormon?



Stevie Wright: Oh honey, you seem nice but that was the worst karaoke I've ever heard.



Anoop dog: Trim the eyebrows.



Casey Carlson: I can't decide if she was better or worse than Stevie. And what is with the Loretta Lynn haircut circa 1972?



Michael Sarver: I don't know why wedding rings on these young guys makes me think they're Mormon. Probably because they are. This guy should be one of the football player-singers on "High School Musical." I kind of like him because he's different in a Taylor Hicks kinda way. He could be this season's resident galoot.



Ann Marie Boscovich: THIS is her "own spin" on that song? Forgettable. Pretty girl, though. Ok, tell me Ryan did NOT just put his hand over his crotch to cover up his excitement at her sitting "on the hard part." She totally knew what she was saying - I am not fooled for one second. Good for her. Slut.



Tatiana Del Toro: How appropriate that she'd choose a Whitney song. Lord, this girl is crazier than Tom Cruise in a furniture store.



Danny Gokey: I think this guy may have actually killed his wife so that he could use it on the show. I say this mainly because he looks a little like Robert Downey Jr. I'm not sure I've ever seen a guy tackle Mariah, but Randy must be ready to shit his pants. Paula needs to sit down. On Ann Marie's "hard part."

My Idol Hopes and Dreams

The blind guy has to at least make it to the point where they do a big number with choreography.  Are you telling me you wouldn't tune in to see the kids all criss crossing the stage and his white cane a-flapping to the strains of "I keep workin' my way back to you babe..."?  It'd also be a dream to see him behind the wheel in one of their cheesy Ford commercials.

Also, Norman Gentle for the win please.  Come on America!  Only you can do it! 

My thoughts on the final 36

I'm completely torn. I can't decide who I want off the show first: Dead-Wife-Danny, Titsiana-del-Loco or Hysterical-Headband-Guy (aka My-Mom's-In-Jail).

In early competition, my faves are Nick Mitchell, Ju'not Joyner, Lil Rounds, Stephen Fowler, Anoop Desai, Matt Breitzke, Taylor Vaifanua and Jeanine Vailes. (I fear Taylor may be one of this year's Mormons, though, which would change my vote. And yes, I said Nick Mitchell. That Norman Gentle bit cracks me up every time. It's like someone told him to be a gay Taylor Hicks.)

Oh, and let's add in Ricky Braddy because he might have the worst name for a future star ever. Every time they say his name I start to correct them ("It's pronounced BRAY-dee!"), or get a flash of Talladega Nights.