Ace In The Hole

I'd almost forgotten about this creep but look who's back and greasier than ever!  Broadway will never be the same!

Drama, Drama, Drama!

It looks like there's a new judge in town. Ms. Paula seems a bit grouchy about it. I think it should spice things up. What do you think?

STATLER: Boo!

WALDORF: Boooo!

S: That was the worst thing I’ve ever heard!

W: It was terrible!

S: Horrendous!

W: Well it wasn’t that bad.

S: Oh, yeah?

W: Well, there were parts of it I liked!

S: Well, I liked alot of it.

W: Yeah, it was GOOD actually.

S: It was great!

W: It was wonderful!

S: Yeah, bravo!

W: More!

S: More!

W: More!

S: More!

American Idol Tour - Second Hand News

A guy who rides the train with me takes his kids each year to the Idols Live tour although I know it's really because he wants to see it. His kids are in their early 20s.

This year, he said that the bottom 6 performed a few songs each and then did a group number. When it was Ramiele's turn to sing, her microphone went out mid-song and she just kept singing until someone brought her a new one. That one conked out too and people started to boo and she just walked off stage.

There was an intermission, I'm not sure why that would be.

The top 6 did their bits, Brooke did her 'set' in bare feet. Everyone sang well but when Syesha was finished, she said "I'd like to thank you all for coming to my show".

Bla bla bla, the Davids were good bla bla bla.

That is all.

VINDICATION!

This is an American Idol first: an early CP-supported candidate wins the title! And this despite the judges' lame attempt to hand Archuleta the prize on a silver platter with their scathing comments on the finals show. Shows what they know.

Although I may have to agree with Beckeye here: the producers weren't about to let another Daughtry slip away and escape the greedy clutches of Clive Davis. They may have rigged it to have Cook-boy win, and only told the judges to say the things they said to make Little Archie feel better, or at least to help him avert a beating (off) from his father.

But we'll have none of that negativity and speculation tonight here at American Idolatry, Gentle Readers. For tonight we drink a toast to the guy who deserved to win it from the start: David Cook. Tonight David took the prize for Chris, for Elliott, and especially for Melinder.

Bravo.

David Cook, here's your ass on a platter

Was it the American Idol final or a David Archuleta blow-job session? "Gee David Cook, it sure was swell of you to show up tonight! Now get down on your knees and blow Little Archie. DO IT!"

The judges may as well have just said that. Jezus.

Spoiler Alert!!!

I Predict the Winner of AI 7 Will Be...

highlight the text below to find out

A Guy Named "David".

You're welcome.

A-Meh-Rican Idol

I could care less who wins...but I don't want to waste my time. Did you know, for Mother's Day, I got an i-Tunes gift card? I went straight to the AI stuff to download my favorite appearances. It was sort of a zen/ouija board experience. I scanned the offerings and clicked the ones I liked best. Here's what I got:

• Over the Rainbow, Jason Castro
• Daydream, Jason Castro
• Halleluia, Jason Castro
• Jail House Rock, Danny Noriega

Do you spot the trend? I guess I did have a favorite after all, but he was so under the radar, I didn't even realize it myself. Sigh. I've never been so underwhelmed by Americian Idol. I couldn't even get excited about the obvious superiority of David Cook. He's such a smug bastard with an alien dome; I just don't like him. David A is out of his league and we've already talked about She Who Must Not Be Named.

Let's hope for a total shake-up of this show for season 8. Please.

Can We Talk?

Syesha is so full of shit. She somehow sold herself on the idea that the civil rights movement somehow paralleles her "Journey" on American Idol. How the fuck does the fight against centuries of oppression compare to singing 3rd rate pop songs (tonight's song excepted of course) to three opinionated bitches who don't pull punches? I'm telling you, Sam Cooke is spinning in his grave right now.

I don't believe her for a second. I think she concocted this parallel so that she could seem deep and soulful instead of shallow and soulless. But as always with this girl, she misses the mark by a country mile. It's like watching a robot randomly select artistic flourishes to create a mood she thinks we will be moved by. It's a series of macros designed to tug our heartstrings. Sure, she can sing. She's got technique up the wazoo. But she just doesn't understand. I'm totally with Randy and his bitchy retorts about her performance.

I'm so upset right now by her crocodile tears and her manhandling of a sacred protest song. You know, every since Danny Noriega left the show, I've been looking for somebody to love, somebody to move me. But every week, I come up snake eyes. No one has stepped up and left their soul on the stage. Syesha thought she did. She went through the motions, but she was just a facsimile...a painting of a shadow of the real thing.

On behalf of the living, I would like to apologize to Sam Cooke for this disaster of manipulation and lies. Let's hope America isn't buying her line of crap.

Vote For The Best!

Please tell me that you won't vote off the best contestant ever America! Her performance last night made up most of the rest of that wasted hour.




In sadder news, are we never to see Brooke cry again? We'll always have the pout! Here she is with a few other ghosts of Idol past.

Music of the Night

Just give it to David Cook and be done with it for cripes sake.

What Does It Say About Season Seven...

...when the number one download from iTunes is the American Idol theme song? Is not one of the top 8 more compelling than that collection of sound effects?

Shock and Awwww

Could Reese Witherspoon have stood any further away from the black lady she was talking to about people needing hugs on the Idol Gives Back show last night? Shocking yes, but nothing prepared me for the gasps heard around the world tonight as Michael Johns was booted from the show. His version of Dream On was really quite good and nowhere near as bad as the stink coming off of David Cook the other night.

Idol may give back but hey America, what gives?!

Quote of the Season

Paula to David Cook: You did something magical in your hand. Let me see it.

The long awaited CP Idol Rankings

Here is my rundown, favorites at the top and the people I want murder..... er, I mean gone, at the bottom:

1. David Cook or Jason Castro

2. David Cook or Jason Castro (my boys are tied for #1)

3. Just to reinforce that I am fickle, David Archuletta

4. Brookie

5. Crusty Lee or Scarly

6. Crusty Lee or Scarly

7. Diareesha

8. Michael I love myself more than the air that I breathe Johns

I risk the fierce wrath of Beckeye by publishing this, so let me qualify this by noting that if he were a private dude not trying to get America to love him, I would allow her to rim to her heart's content with no sarcastic banter from me. However, a private dude he ain't, and since he is putting it out there, let me as well:

I hate Michael Johns. I hate everything about him. I hate his simpering rock-star wannabe act. (Kudos to Simon for putting out the "wannabe" comparison. It was just the quality I was abhorring but couldn't quite put my finger on.) I hate his cravat. I hate his smug "look at me, am I not beautiful?" face. I hate his wide ass.

If you're going to pretend to be Eddie Vedder, then be Eddie Vedder. Sing your heart out and then tell us to go fuck ourselves. Don't put on this rock-star act and then stand in front of the judges so obviously hoping they don't tear you to shreds.


I might hate David Cook too if he were a little less ugly. But he is not (a little less ugly) so his perceived smugness feels OK to me. I get the vibe from David Cook that he would like to win but he's not ready to sell his own grandmother down the river to accomplish it. And Michael Johns is.

He even changed his name. What a complete suck up.

Done.

One question...

When Paula told Michael Johns that her chijuajuas would join him up on stage, was she talking about the silicone chijuajuas that were jumping out of her top?

Exclaim!

Just when I thought nothing could top seeing Larry King in jeans, along comes American Idol's Inspiration Week!

My bottom 3:

David Cook - Finally! The pomposity catches up! (although I still think he's pretty great, that sucked ass.)

Brooke - That was possibly flatter than your hair.

Carly - Welcome back (to the lower echelon)! Do you always look so angry and intense because you told him not to get those face tattoos and he just went ahead and did it?

And the rest:

David Archuleta - I thought that was much less great than the judges did. I also prayed Ryan would say - how about that polygamy thing David?

Syesha - I don't even like her but want them to lay off! She was great last week and this week! Shut up! Other exclamations!

Jason Castro - that was pretty sweet and should rock the iTunes charts hard.

Kristy Lee - not a bad job but enough with the make up, we get it, you sparkle!

Michael Johns - I could have forgiven him if the neckerchief was a one week only aberration but last night as well? Oh my. I like him but I don't like note for note recreations. Dream on big guy. (Sorry for leaving him out originally Beckeye, I guess I was blinded by science.)

See you Thursday!

Scramiele!

When Ryan said to Ramiele "you can stand here proudly" I half expected her to say "but I am standing". She won me with that Dusty Springfield number back in the early 90s when this season started but lost me shortly afterward. Bye bye baby.

Good to know that whoever's in charge of Brooke's microphone is now also on Dolly Parton's payroll. Dolly, you know I love ya but if you wouldn't mind? Shut the hell up!! It's only an hour show!

Who says there isn't anything more terrifying than David Cook's half formed twin forehead? That 3 man string band ruined This Little Light Of Mine with their crazy pickin' and lack of grinnin' and neither Jesus or I will ever forgive them for it. I also believe the singer was wearing David's old bangs.

I remain impressed that the only person rolling their eyes through those awful Brady Bunch song and dance numbers the 'kids' are forced into seems to be me. That said, 9 to 5 may have been their strongest yet. I enjoyed the shilling for Ford commercial too so I'm not sure what that says about me. You'll think of something.

If I could fast forward, I'd dump Syesha, David Artichokeletta, GoldiDreadlocks and put the rest of them in a cage to see what happens.

So where are we?

This is Jason. He bugged me at first, but now I like him. I think Beckeye is right about his case of the munchies. I like snacks too so that's OK by me.

Ok team, we have not seen a lot of posting recently. Why is that? I think this season is one of the best yet. Even the suckiest of them (Ramitello, Krusty Lee and Diareesha) are not nearly as sucky as the suckiest of years past. They should be this week's bottom 3.

I think I'm narrowing in on my favorites: David Cook, Jason, and Brooke.

Michael Johns will be a threat to my top three. I would consider trading Brooke for him, but something about his mad love for himself turns me off. He mentioned last week that he is extremely competitive, and I was not surprised because that is totally the vibe I pick up from him. Sure, he's pretty, but I get the feeling his inner asshole is quite large.

David Ahhhhhhchooo!-letta will also be a problem. The kid can sing. But that's what he is: a SINGER. I don't see him as a rock star or an American Idol. But hey, if it will actually get him away from his father and that God forsaken cult he belongs to, I'm in - if only for his sake.

This leaves Carly. Not sure where she fits in here, but it doesn't matter because she won't be far behind my bottom 3.

Done.

Yawn

Yeah. I watched it. Didn't feel like typing though.

Brooke was awesome. Michael was great. Carly did OK, but I thought she was going to blow out her vocal cords. Loved David C's version of his song.

The rest sucked.

I want David A to go home. Big time. He sounds the same week after week. Getting veeeerrrry bored with him. Unfortunately, the young 'uns and grannies love him... which means he'll move on.

So tonight I hope either Kristy Lee or Ramiele go home. PLEASE.

Little Archie and friends

I am really over Little Archie. It's not his fault because he's just doing what he knows how to do, so that's fine. But come on. The kid is not very interesting. Talk about a one-pony show. Get up on stage, talk about how amazing everything is, giggle like a schoolgirl, do a bunch of those little half-kneel motions when you're putting a little ornamentation on one of your crooner notes, then thank the judges and fans profusely in that cloying, self deprecating manner.

Despite my often crusty demeanor I do like "nice" people, so I feel kind of bad bashing him for that. But after a while enough is just enough. The kid is 16 and should be in school. Talk to me when he's over 21 and we'll see if he's able to add a layer of complexity to bring something new to the table. Plus maybe by then he'll shed the celestial underwear.


Cookie Boy - I call him that because although I'm still a fan, it's starting to get a little cookie-cutter with him. Chris Daughtry had the same problem; great singer, great performer, but every song is starting to sound the same. Hey though, what can you really do week to week? He's good and he deserves to win, but I'd like to see him change it up a little.


Ok Brookie, the Mormon thing says you have to be nice and all, but you don't have to offer to blow the judges while they're dissing you. Even though they were right; that performance S-U-C-K-E-D. I knew you were in the trouble the second you started in with that "doo-n-doo-doo" act. And what WAS that whole "WHOOO!" thing right in the middle of the song before you started flailing uncontrollably? Oh, and the whole critiquing thing isn't supposed to be a conversation, dear. You're starting to look desperate.

The thing I love about Paula is that you can tell she hated your song when she opens her comments by telling you how great you look and how lovable you are. Gag.


Michael Johns. This performance reminded me of when Jerry Seinfeld said "I can't watch a man sing a song....it's embarassing." That about sums it up. I mean, I'm sorry your friend died and all, but this show isn't a vehicle for delivering a eulogy. Simon is right; you'd better start sorting yourself out, because the only thing keeping you here next week will be your pretty face.

Manda. Sure, she's predictable, but I love her. I like that she knows who she is. I think she could even pull off a ballad but she'd have to tread gingerly.

Jason. Oddly enough I liked him tonight. He has a friendly, soothing voice. The distaste for that "Hallelujah" song a few weeks ago still lingers, but I'm slowly forgiving.

As for the rest of you: pull my finger.


Done.

3-18-08

Just a few thoughts...
I was so glad to see that David Archuleta is back.

Jason's personality is so...blah. His interviews are fast-forward worthy. Simon said his face sold the song, but I wasn't watching, just listening and then I looked up to see Jason making a face that made me want to send him a Costco-sized Metamucil.

I like Carly, but didn't someone else comment that this is AMERICAN idol?

David Cook is such a tool he could fill up an entire Home Depot with his smirks alone.

But I never liked Chris Daughtry (sp?) until very recently (post-AI)...so maybe I'll like David Cook later.

I like Syesha's hair better when it looks like a bird's nest.

Who tells the audience members to wave their hands like that? That is really annoying.

Is Chikezie butchering this song cuz I don't recognize it, at all?!

How short is Ramiele? My Filipina "Lola" was about 4' 11" but I think she would've towered over Ramiele.

Unfortunately, I think Ramiele let her BFF Danny Noriega be her stylist.

Paula's outfit: tranny mess

Another night -- more Beatles

For some reason I really don't want to watch tonight. I'm gonna force myself though. Just so I can talk to the folks at work about it...


Just realized it's a two hour show... I may not make it. The first few performances better be good or I'm gonna find something else to watch. I'm just NOT into it this year. I know who I want to win but as to who will... don't really care.


Amanda: Back in the U.S.S.R. - I really like her voice... she has a great sound. And she can work the stage. I liked it! She's safe for another week. I love her spunk, too.


Kristy Lee: You've Got to Hide Your Love Away - I liked it until she got to the chorus; then she got a little pitchy. She did end it well though. She should be in the bottom two again, but this time GONE. Musical wallpaper!!! Perfect!


David A: The Long and Winding Road - He's turning into a crooner and I don't like that. Did he forget the words again? He seems really hesitant. He'll definitely move on and probably make the top three. Is he a "pop" star though? He'd go the way of some of the others and disappear into oblivion.


Michael: A Day in the Life - Awesome song... he sounds great. I' d buy it as a single. What a great performance! He's safe. I guess I heard something different than the judges. I don't think it was a "mess".

I can't stand the way Simon just said "you have to nail it like David did"... just give it to the kid and let's stop this show now.

Brooke: Here Comes the Sun - Perfect song for her. I think she is the dark horse of this competition and a major threat. She has definately been placed in my top 3. Again -- I guess I didn't hear the same performance as the judges.

David C: Day Tripper - He's got such a great voice... just wish I could look at him when he performs. Love the arrangement!!! It is perfect for him. Could have done without the whole voice box thingy, but I have to say it is the best tonight. I guess it was a good thing I wasn't watching him since Simon said he looked "smug"... typical of a Tool.

Carly: Blackbird - She is my absolute favorite. That was beautiful. I love how she has shown how she can hit the lower range too. Beautiful. She is top 2... IMO.

Jason: Michelle - eh. I usually love him, but tonight he seems a little off. I'm glad he stepped away from the guitar and tried something a little more up tempo. I'm still crazy about him though. He's safe for another week.

I'm done. I've seen all I want to see and the last three I could care less about. Let me know how they did. I've going to find something else on tv -- or go to bed.

David Horrendez

No, this was not the end for you David. But this might be:

CPW Idol Reviews

Loving them:

With the exception of that hideous Kansas song performance a few weeks ago, I love this girl. I think she might be a lesbian, too.



I've been all about the Cook-man for a few weeks now. I'm getting the sense he may be just slightly in love with himself in an Eddie Vedder kind of way, but he's got it.


Brookie. It's hard to resist that Mormon charm for very long. I mean, even if she really believes in the celestial undergarments, at least the girl is sincere. And sincerity always turns me on.


Over him:


Little Davie. Sure, I'd take him to the prom if I were 16, but I don't really need him as my American Idol. And Simon is right; he was a mess tonight.



Hating them:

I always think dreadlocks probably smell. Plus he lost major points with me for singing that stupid Jeff Buckley song last week; the insidiousness of religious themes in pop music always kind of gives me the heebies. And his little constipated wincing eye movement thing is making me sick. He might be a nice guy, but I want him gone. Now.



Michael Johns. Not to get all Republican about this or anything, but isn't this American Idol? Shouldn't the bylaws require some sort of naturalization process or citizenship test? And thinking about how he probably goes home and makes mad love to himself every night after the show is making me sick. Although I'll admit he wasn't that bad tonight.

The dirty dozen

So tonight the tribes have merged -- wait -- different show. Sorry....

It's time for the top twelve - the one's that will go on tour - to show what they've got. They get to sing from the Lennon/McCartney song book for the first time. These are some of my most favorite songs of all time... hope they do them justice.

Gonna sit here for the next two hours and type my thoughts as they perform. I hope it's worth it...

The new set is gorgeous!!! and HUGE!!!!

Syesha: Got to Get You Into My Life - No umph or sparkle to her song. She is off key. It's OK... I'm kind of bored. She will definitely not be the best of the night... the others will blow her out of the water. Totally forgettable.

Shut up Paula. Go home. Let the real judges judge.

I can't stand the question/answer session at the end of each performance. I want to hear songs - not watch them try to streeeeetttttchhh the show out for two hours.

Cha-queasy: She's a Woman - I hate to admit it, but I really like this! It is probably my favorite performance of his... the high notes were a little iffy, but all in all I thought he did a great job! High energy, fun... loved it!!!

Ryan needs to stop hopping around the stage. But they ARE having fun.

Ramiele: In My Life - She has a beautiful voice, but I just cannot get into her. That was pretty, but dull, dull, dull. Nothing different. I was bored. She may be in trouble.

Paula doesn't look drunk or stoned tonight... hmmm...

Jason: If I Fell - I love him so much -- if I were 12 I would want to be his girlfriend. (is that perverted?) I want him to do something more up tempo and get out from behind the guitar. He needs to mix it up a bit. BUT I really liked the performance. He has such an honest, pure voice. Love him.

"Student in a bedroom at midnight" -- ummm, what Simon? I agree with Simon that he can't do this same type of song week after week... he definitely needs to do something else.

Carly: Come Together - One of my favorites!!! Both the singer and song... let's see what happens. I LOVE HER!!! Damn she sounds good... She is top 4 material for sure. That was fantastic. I would buy anything she put out. She is the rocker of this competition -- Amanda who????

David C.: Eleanor Rigby - I can't watch him sing. I am staring at my computer as he performs; he is -- as one of my friend's says -- a Tool. I could probably listen to a whole CD of his songs, but wouldn't pay a dime to attend a concert. He has such an awesome sound... why does he rub me the wrong way? He's safe this week...

Brooke: Let It Be - Playing the piano; nice touch. This girl has got talent. She may not win the competition, but she could be the Jennifer Hudson of this group. She is fantastic. I really, really like her... not as much as Carly but very close.

David H.: I Saw Her Standing There - Too ship board performance (easy for him to do, huh?) Not impressed at all. Bad choice of song... really bad. I think I'm ready for him to go home. Yawn.

Amanda: You Can't Do That - I liked it, but it wasn't my favorite. She sounds so good, but I don't think she has found "her" song yet. I think she is safe, but won't make the top 4.

I wish Simon and Paula would just screw each other and get it over with... they already fight like an old married couple.

Michael: Across the Universe - He has a great voice and it matched that song completely. I don't think it was his best performance but it was a good one. He's safe... the ladies love him.

Chisty Lee: Eight Days a Week - Another one of my absolute faves but I HATE it as a country song. They made it too cheesy and twangy (is that a word? it is now). That sucked... she needs to leave now just for messing it up so bad. And that last note? Bye bye...

OK - Maybe it's Ryan and Simon that need to screw... sheesh...

David A: We Can Work It Out - Not good to forget or mumble words, David. That definitely was NOT his best performance. Too old for him and he didn't even know it! He is probably safe because of the popularity vote. If he is judged on how well he knows the song -- he's in trouble. He sounded awful!!! Totally off key... horrible. Absolutely horrible.

Who will go? Syesha and Christy Lee... they were the worst this week.

In my opinion, the top four should be Carly, Michael, Brooke and David C. Not necessarily in that order, but they are the most talented folks up there. I know people are picking David A to win - and that could happen - but he doesn't have the showmanship or maturity of these four.

Oh Danny Boy The Pipes The Pipes Are Callin'

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

--W.H. Auden

Alas, a run on American Idol is cut short this night. My dear Danny Noriega was cast aside in favor of KaCheezie, who will no doubt crack under the pressure of the atmosphere in the Kodak Theater.

Why, America? Why?

I've watched American Idol since the very beginning. It was a perfect meeting of my malaize with summer reruns and a brilliant upstart little talent contest that was horrifying to watch. But watch I did. I watched it with curiousity, then with ironic disdain, and then with acceptance. All the while waiting for some magic to happen.

And it did. Kelly Clarkson sang "Respect," Justine G sang "Get Here," Clay Aiken sang "Bridge over Troubled Water," some other people sang some stuff, Blake sang "You Give Love A Bad Name." This little joke of a show ended up being the place to see people blossom and mature and to see others crash and burn.

But I sat down to watch this season with grimness. Am I really up for this again? I didn't know, but I slogged through the auditions, watching people sing whom I'd probably never see again. It was not the time to get invested. And then Danny walked in. He sashayed through that door and did the best drag queen act I'd ever seen since the last time I watched the Disney Channel (I'm talking to you, Ms. Montana, if that really is your name).

Oh, brother, here we go, I thought. And then he sang. Whoa. He suddenly became the one to watch. But he drifted away in the fog that surrounds the swamp that is "the auditions." When he came back in Hollywood, I was glad to see him make it through. He's funny, if overly practiced in his dramatic ways. At least he would cause Ryan a little tension and that's always a good thing.

I settled in to watch him sail into the finals. Up until this point, I liked Danny but he bugged me. Enough with all the affectations, already. It was gilding the lily, in my opinion. Stop being an asshole. Then he came out and sang "Jail House Rock." As an Elvis fan, I had a flash of dread at the thought of him going anywhere near Elvis. But my dread soon dissolved when I heard him sing. I was so surprised to hear this very masculine voice turn this former queen into a king. I was knocked out. It reminded me of watching Annie Lennox for the first time. It was fucking awesome.

And that was it. Danny was my pick to win. Or at least to place second. It was weird to like someone so completely like this. But I was glad to have someone to root for. I grew a bit concerned when I checked in to Vote For The Worst to confirm my suspicion that Amanda was there. She was. And so was Danny. Uh-oh. What? The worst? What about fucking Luke Menard?!? He is the worst of the worst! But I brushed my fears away. This could be a good thing for him. Votes are votes, right?

Alas, it wasn't to be. Danny's fun and sassy rendition of Tainted Love wasn't enough to save him. Maybe he wasn't the worst anymore. And maybe his performance wasn't quite good enough to get him off the ground, votewise. Maybe the folks at VFTW caught wind of the flopsweat of fear flying from KaCheezie and turned their sites to someone who would really make AI suffer. I haven't looked over at VFTW since that fateful day. I know longer trust them. They are dead to me.

So, now what? Am I supposed to just save a little love for some third rate man child? Do I hitch my wagon to the Comb Over of Wonder? Or should I just give up and vote for Brooke like Simon wants me to?

I don't know, friends. I just don't know. But it's gonna take one helluva musical miracle to make it happen.

Oh, Danny Boy; You're THTH, obviously.

Danny Noriega and Miley Cyrus: Separated at Birth?

Somebody Stop This Woman!

Before she kils another song with her poseur rock blasting and her terrible hair! Seriously. My ears...they bleed.

...either that or nominate her for "Vote for the Worst"; that would be awesome.

The girls

Carly rocked...

the rest sucked.

That is all.

And now a word from Lulu

Lulu says:

OK, since I am not a member of your little American Idol Club, and since no one there has addressed it, here is my statement/question/comment: Little Mormom teen cutie pie only sang verse 3 of Imagine. Randy asked why and he said it was there wasn't enough time to do the whole song and it was his favorite verse....hmm, maybe because the first verse is "Imagine there's no heaven It's easy if you try No hell below us Above us only sky", and the second verse says "Imagine no religion..."

Can't he just say he doesn't agree with the lyrics? Or pick a song he does agree with? Although I do think he is ridiculously cute. And I did love Paula saying that she wanted to squeeze his him so hard that is head popped off and then hang it from the rearview mirror.

Rocker nurse, heal thyself

I don't know what the fuck that rocker nurse thought she was doing with that Kansas song, but I've heard more pleasing noises out of copulating alley cats. I liked her when she first appeared on the show, but that was horrendous.

I might even be sick.

david archuleta

I have never played a performance over again, but tonight I did after David sang.

I love this kid and I won't be shy about it.

Thanks again to the hubby for getting me a crackberry with at and t cuz I voted 10 times for David.

Got Sperm?

Holy shit, I've never been so bored watching American Idol. I've literally been shaking with eagerness for this season to arrive, and now all I wanna do is masturbate and take a nap. Maybe have a corned beef sandwich right after. Yes, I wash my hands first. Though my pussy is probably cleaner than the beef.

I made some really nasty notes about last week's performances, but it seems pointless now to post my opinions. Suffice it to say that last week sucked. Last week involved plenty of hand washing and corned beef.

But this week, I was glued. Mostly 'cause the guys are a wreck. Here's the rundown of jizz running down your chin after this splattery mess:

Michael Johns
Yes, his singing is horrendous. I can't believe he got any positive feedback from the, ahem, "judges," but I really think he's just being coddled at this point for ratings. They need at least one guy who isn't a complete fag to bring in the female vote. I mostly can't get past the fact that he looks like the guy who starred in the sitcom Wings. The guy who was porking Crystal Bernard.

And moreover, why are they even referred to as judges? America is the real judge, my friends. Even at the gates of Heaven, you'll see Condomsqueeza Rice, Martha Stewart, and Rocky Balboa.


Jason Castro
I really want to like him for his song choice: Andy Gibb was a god. And for a second there, I wanted him to stuff one of his crusty dreads into my vagina, but meh. I don't think he'll last long, simply because he can't completely win me over. That means no audience will be completely won over by him. He has no charisma. I am annoyed though that he got slammed for his performance, especially since he's a combo-talent unlike Michael Sucks Johns who can barely sing and keep his legs straight at the same time. Fucking retard. At the very least, Paula should understand Jason. Paula, like Jason, is a combo-talent. She can sing a song and dance with a cartoon creature.


Luke Menure (nee Menard) on Acapella: "It's not like having a band behind you." Really, Corky?

This operatic abortion was really hard to listen to. At one point, my clit crawled up into the attic of my torso and told sad stories to my spleen. Holocaust fables. Then my clit and spleen watched Yentl together and cried themselves to sleep.

Translation: I don't like this fuck.

Commercial! Mmmm, President's Choice parchment paper packets for lunch or dinner. Le Choix du Presidents indeed.


Robbie Carrico
Please don't decipher the levels of rock while wearing that douchebag bandana.

This guy looks more like a fat Polish chambermaid I once threw a penny at than Axl Rose. The judges are so stupid: even Paula's used that "inauthentic" bullshit on contestants. What's this bitch smoking? Cause I want some.

I could excuse Robbie's lack of talent if he were more self-effacing and less of an arrogant prick. Take your sneering elsewhere, Robert. This is American Idol. This is about dignity and integrity.


Danny Noriega
Wow, where to begin? Okay --

Fact: I'm the biggest fag hag ever. When my strict Middle Eastern parents forbade me from sucking cock for dollar coins in high school, I turned to the gay community for mall fun and random cruelties inflicted on recent immigrants.

But when Danny Noriega catwalks onto the stage, all my devotion to flamers dies away. He annoys the shit out of me. And I can put up with it for now because I know he won't last. I'll just enjoy watching him fly too close to the sun on wings of anonymous asslips until he comes crashing down when a lack of votes crush his delusional dreams.

But on a positive note, while Danny won't be winning any contests soon, he can get a job as the cool counselor at some GLBT center in Downtown Wisconsin, thereby igniting the acceptance fantasies of flamers across the cheesy plains.

Or else he can make a career as transgendered porn star, Anita Dick. At least until the industry spits him out like a congealed cum loogie. The kind that gets caught behind your molar. You know what I'm talkin!


David Hernandez
The orgasm face he made while singing the words "the day my daddy died" made me kinda horny. But ugly is waging a war on this guy's face. His teefs look like undercooked grains of basmati rice.

Did he even finish the song? I blacked out.


Jason Yeager
This dick is out next week. Trust me. I'd bet my corned beef-smelling fingers on it.


Chikezie
God needs to revise and resubmit on this guy. Fucking Motown Robot. I want to support him, even if it's only as the Token Male Chocolate Face. But he's so dull.


David Cook
Yuck. Reeks of pedo. I think I saw him on Perverted Justice a few months ago. He was under "Unsuccess Stories" when even a 12 year-old bulimic with daddy issues wouldn't get with him. Beer commercial-singing loser. I hope he's out next week, but he's got the Aspiring Groupie Slut vote on lockdown, son.


David Arculeta
What a talented twink. This kid makes my balls tingle. He's gonna be in the last two singing, if not the winner. All kidding aside, he really sang that song beautifully. I wish John Lennon would rise from the dead so I could shoot him all over again and then turn to David and say, "Who the fuck was that guy?" while pointing to Lennon's corpse. Then we'll walk off into the sunset together licking ice cream cones and laughing.

--

Okay, I probably won't be saying too much about the chicks this season (unless I YouTube their performances). My dance class (fuck you) takes place on Wednizzday nights, so you know. Body over brains, that's what I always say.

You're probably thinking, so-what-who-are-you-to-criticize-anyway? And you're right. I'm fat, sexless, stupid, "tanned," and ignorant. Juuuuust a pile of beer cans and a half-smoked pack of Pall Malls away from being completely irrelevant. But you know what? I don't drink or smoke, so unfortunately for you, I'll be back next week.

Stay tuned.

is carly pregnant?

She looks not as skinny and that top looked too matronly.

It'd be awesome if she was...the first preggo contestant!

Ugh

Oh god I am bored.

So far only one of the girls has been worth a listen.

The boys rule this year.

I'm going to bed... doubt I'll miss anything.

prediction

David Archhuletta (sp?) To win.

The guys step up

I love Robbie the Rocker, Dreds, and Aussie...

The 16 year old is OK -- his voice is perfect for radio but his pollyanna act kinda gets on my nerves. I predict he will go far. Especially if Paula, Simon and Randy keep praising him to the heavens.

I think Chacuzzi and the Crooner Daddy will be the ones to go tonight.

Just my opinion.

The Mormon kid was on Star Search

If this kid wasn't so damn likable I'd demand he be disqualified on accounta his 12-year-old Star Search win

In searching for a photo of my current favorite to post, I discovered that the Mormon kid has already been a Star Search winner. Shouldn't that disqualify him? It also puts the "too nice to be believed" act that I had previously attributed to his Mormonism in a different light; the kid's been doing this for years now. He probably knows every trick in the book.

Oh well, as long as he doesn't go all Donny Osmond on us I'll forgive him. What a sweet kid. I'm such a sucker for that whole self-effacing thing too, how pathetic.

On the other side of the coin, I'm already over Mr. Aussie heartthrob; he's just a little too in love with himself to need any fans anyway.

And although Mindy June has instituted a policy against contestants who pimp out their kids as way to garner more appeal, I'm still with her even though (just for the record) I'd totally do the "Moon River" daddy. My huckleberry friend, indeed.


Was that too much information?

Nice tie, dude

I love the republican show choir geek from texas, and I don't care who knows it. That chick with the big tattoo on her arm was flat. I'm sick of seeing people pimping their children like becoming the next American Idol is the only way to provide for their family. That girl who preaches about abstinence walks funny. I think maybe she needs to get laid.

Carly's background

http://new.music.yahoo.com/blogs/realityrocks/13980/irish-idol-smithsons-secret-past

Mormon Idolatry

Ever since Mindy and I began our collaboration on idol-judging we have tried to account for the Mormon vote that is likely to skew the results early on. (See Carmen Rasmussen and Jon Peter Lewis.)

Unlike in years past, however, both of this season's Mormon contestants have something mildly resembling a hint of talent. This fact is going to skew the results even further, and now that Mitt has lost the presidential nomination you can count on the Mormons to go rabid wild to get one of their own elected to a position of national prominence.

I thought David Archuleta was an adorable kid the moment I saw him on the screen, but even from the outset I suspected something was up with his Pollyanna demeanor. No one but a Mormon could believe they're that happy. Sure enough, I was right.

Similar take on Brooke White. Notwithstanding the fact that she bears a creepy resemblance to Valerie Cherish, she seemed a bit too much of a goody-goody with that whole "I've never seen an R-rated movie before." Which was funny, because she also reminds me of someone who might have appeared in a porno film at some point. In any event, she does have a good last name for a Mormon.

In keeping with Idol's Mormon tradition, enjoy this commemoration of JPL's awesome dancing ability from Season 3. Pay close attention to his smooth moves about a third of the way through, after the line "come on baby I'm tired of talking." Looks like he's having a seizure.

I thought there was going to be another school shooting

That Josiah kid who lives in his car and fakes a British accent is a mess and a half. I'm relieved they put him through anyway because that look on his face when he was done massacring "Stand by Me" scared the shit out of me. This is a kid who will snap eventually, and I don't want to be there when it happens.

And yet, despite the fact that he will one day go postal, I would still rather see Josiah in the competition over that offensive blond "Unchained Melody" singer who begged Paula to keep her in. Thank God Paula showed some sense for a change and kicked her ass off the stage.

I'm looking forward to seeing more of the skinny Tina Turner chick too, but the crying needs to stop.

Take On Me

Laugh. Cry. Hurl. Finally, an audition show that was better than the commercials.

Miami...

Ok, so I'm finally catching up again with A.I. after those first two episodes. And I chose tonight to catch up. I saw just a little bit of last night's show, enough to agree with Dale's observation that Ms. Abdul appears to be in her cups, or at least well into her prescription bottle. And I agree with Mr. Punchman's assessment of the general state of A.I. auditions, as well.

But, tonight.

Only a few contestants really made any impression. There was that white guy in the stocking cap; Mizbubs told me he was good (I missed his audition, but saw him later) but really, what the f*ck is up with the stocking cap? In Florida? Why not a flannel shirt too?

Now, Syesha Mercado, on the other hand... She was hawt. Gorgeous, and some great pipes too. I liked her. Hope she does well.

Brandon Blank was like, the most entertaining dork at the rent party. He was a fun way to close the episode.

My favorite was Julie Debela, the former Junior Idol contestant. Whereas Alexis Cohen was "going for actressing", Ms. Debela announced, in no uncertain terms, "I'm sorry, but I'm not acting." Why not, Ms Debela?

I think that Julie Debela will be far more entertaining in a few years as a drunk, 23 year old actress/escort in L.A. MizBubs seconded this notion, adding that she "sees her as a Little Bo Peep." Whew. Our youngest said she gave the impression of hearing applause in her head 24/7. I thought the little head nod/toss at the end was a nice touch.

Well, that's it. Time to go watch some splatter movies.

Oh for crying out loud

The reason I don't like to get posting right away on these first audition shows is that I can hardly stand it. How do you spell T-R-I-T-E again?

I mean, every show is exactly the same, with a pathetically interchangeable cast of characters. As always, there is the mandatory gang of idiots who want nothing more than a William Hung moment of fame; at least one black-hair Susie with lots of eye makeup and no discernible talent; a Britney wannabe whose only apparent interest is to grunt & shimmy her way to God knows what; assorted retards and other talentless sorts who have no idea they lack the most basic skills of human interaction; smatterings of kids who know very well what AI is all about yet who come in with some stupid gimmick, as if singing a duet with blue horns on your head might somehow compensate for your otherwise total lack of worth; and on and on.

I swear, half of these people must be the same morons who visit New York and stand outside the windows of The Today Show in hopes of getting their overfed faces on TV. And for what purpose, exactly? It all makes me sick. Tonight's program was hideous to a degree where I can safely say I'd kill myself if I were forced to watch this more than once a week.

Paula, Randy, Ryan, Simon, listen up please: let's cut the crap and get to the part that's supposed to be a real competition before my need to hurt somebody grows too much stronger.

Oh, and I really could have done without the tearful father-daughter reunion. That was particularly offensive.

I think I need a drink.

YAY!!!

Paula's stoned again! Dig those crazy eyes!

Quote of the Week

"I think it's totally appropriate to name him 'Idol.'"
Lady who went into labor waiting to audition in Dallas, speaking of her newborn son.

Dallas

I laughed a lot and cringed even more. There were several performances I liked, but for the most part Dallas was unremarkable.

Where are they next? I don't remember...

It's showtime!

"I am going for actressing!"
_____________________

America The Beautiful

Why aren't Valerie Bertinelli and Dr. Phil working the crowd at the American Idol auditions? There's business to be drummed up in them thar holding pens.

Philly

My take so far:

• Jabba the Butt was a geek- with or without chest hair
• I loved Tempest -- I was hoping she could sing, but what a sweet, sweet girl
• Christina the Star Wars chick -- OMG... She called it herself - a DORK!!!
• I really don't remember her name, but the glitter girl that wants to go into "actressing"... what a freakin' freaky freak!!!
• I really, really liked the girl with the special needs child. She was beautiful and had a great voice. I hope she can get past the Wedding Singer vibe, too.
• Brooke - the nanny of the twins that has never seen an R rated movie - was boring to me. Too quiet and didn't stand out... she will sing ballads and bore us to tears (could I be WRONG?) Let's see!
• My faves are Chris - the HOT, black guy with the dreds and the girl that sold her barrel racing horse (not good with names yet). I need to see them in Hollywood before I commit.

I don't like it when they cry. Most times it breaks my heart. Tempest killed me, but it was for the best. She seems to have a very supportive family.

I'm looking forward to the rest of this season. I've heard Simon say it is the best and he already knows the top 3... don't know if that is just publicity or the truth. Can't wait to see what happens!

There are a couple of Atlantan's coming up in future eps -- I can't wait to see how they sound and if they can represent the ATL...

God I love this show!!!

Ready, Set GO!!!

Anddddddddd we're off........

I for one can't wait for this season to start. There is nothing on the telly anyway.
AND, the search for talent starts right here in Philadelphia tonight. Yeehaww!

Let the games begin...