Wednesday, April 09, 2008

The long awaited CP Idol Rankings

Here is my rundown, favorites at the top and the people I want murder..... er, I mean gone, at the bottom:

1. David Cook or Jason Castro

2. David Cook or Jason Castro (my boys are tied for #1)

3. Just to reinforce that I am fickle, David Archuletta

4. Brookie

5. Crusty Lee or Scarly

6. Crusty Lee or Scarly

7. Diareesha

8. Michael I love myself more than the air that I breathe Johns

I risk the fierce wrath of Beckeye by publishing this, so let me qualify this by noting that if he were a private dude not trying to get America to love him, I would allow her to rim to her heart's content with no sarcastic banter from me. However, a private dude he ain't, and since he is putting it out there, let me as well:

I hate Michael Johns. I hate everything about him. I hate his simpering rock-star wannabe act. (Kudos to Simon for putting out the "wannabe" comparison. It was just the quality I was abhorring but couldn't quite put my finger on.) I hate his cravat. I hate his smug "look at me, am I not beautiful?" face. I hate his wide ass.

If you're going to pretend to be Eddie Vedder, then be Eddie Vedder. Sing your heart out and then tell us to go fuck ourselves. Don't put on this rock-star act and then stand in front of the judges so obviously hoping they don't tear you to shreds.

I might hate David Cook too if he were a little less ugly. But he is not (a little less ugly) so his perceived smugness feels OK to me. I get the vibe from David Cook that he would like to win but he's not ready to sell his own grandmother down the river to accomplish it. And Michael Johns is.

He even changed his name. What a complete suck up.



Dale said...

Beckeye knows where you live right? I'd be careful! I like him but the neckerchiefs must go.

BeckEye said...

Oh hell yes, I know where he lives Dale. It's a 15 minute train ride.

I would just like to point out that you're contradicting yourself. You say he's smug, yet you say that he is "simpering" and fully expects the judges to tear him to shreds. Is he too confident or not confident enough? WHICH IS IT??

Also, as far as being smug goes, when Paula made that comment to him that he "sounds as good as he looks," he put his hand up to his face, smiled sheepishly and said, "that's embarrassing." Yeah, that's something a smug asshole would do.

And the name change. He said he hasn't talked to his dad since he was 15. (Yes, I've looked up everything about him online like a good obsessed freak.) His middle name is John and his stepfather's name is John, which is why he picked Johns. How would changing his name equate to "suck up" anyway??

And his ass? WIDE?? Okay, now I'm worried that you might actually be straight. His ass is insane. It's like a nice round apple, or two hot biscuits, just waiting for me to butter them and dig in.

I agree with the neckerchief/ascot/whatever the hells he's been wearing around his neck for the past two weeks, but I blame the stylists for that.

In short (give me a minute while I put on tons of black eyeliner) LEAVE MICHAEL ALONE!!!!!

Valerie said...

"It's like a nice round apple, or two hot biscuits, just waiting for me to butter them and dig in."

You should really get that made into a t-shirt.

Coaster Punchman said...

Beckeye, I grant you that I may be inconsistent with my reasoning for disliking MJ, but I feel I still must write something that analyzes the reasoning behind my distaste. To be honest I just can't put my finger on what it is that bugs me about him. It definitely has to do with the energy I am picking up through the screen. He seems to want it too much. How that differs from the other contestants I couldn't tell you. They would all be crazy not to want to win.

How about this. As you may remember, I was a HUGE (in more ways than one) Melinder devotee last year. I just adored that girl, even though everyone else bashed her for not having a neck.

I am the first to admit MJ is a very good singer. So was Melinder. But something about Melinder just seemed truly humble. She was up singing her heart out and giving it all she had because (in my view) she really loved doing it. And that she would be happy just being up on stage singing for people because it made her happy.

With MJ the energy I pick up is that he is up there in part because he loves it and is good at it, but also because he really craves that public love & attention. He loves it that all these people are just gaga over him. I can't put my finger on it but it really irritates me.

David Cook also looks smug, but he seems to know he's not pretty and he doesn't care, he's just up there doing it because he loves it and fuck anyone who doesn't like him.

I hope you get to marry him and have dozens of his babies and maybe you'll even invite me to the wedding, though at this point I doubt it.

Bluez said...

So, how bout those Jayhawks eh?

I heard Melinda and Michael Johns are doing a duet tonight.

BeckEye said...

Valerie - That's not a bad idea. I may have to open my own Cafe Press store right now! Or at least use that line to write a full-fledged poem, "Ode to a Great Ass."

CP - I think some people just look at a guy who looks as good as Michael does and automatically think that he can't possibly be a nice guy or at all humble. I make that mistake often, too. But in this case, I think it's the wrong assumption.

Maybe I'm wrong, but even if he is a conceited bastard, I'd still shag him rotten.

And sure, I'll still invite you to the wedding. Formal attire/neckerchiefs required.

Coaster Punchman said...

Oh I never said I wouldn't shag him. I still maintain a serious amount of respect for shallowness, not to mention downright filth. But be honest, how many of your shag-ites do you really want as your American Idol? Lets be reasonable here.

BeckEye said...

I don't want Michael to be the American Idol. I would never wish something as awful as winning the "Sell Your Soul to Clive Davis" competition on him. I just want him to stick around for as long as possible.

Anyway, he has a good voice, so I don't feel completely shallow in defending him. And at least he's not human Nyquil, like Babbling Brooke and Little Lord Archuleroy.

BeckEye said...

Oh, and I'm taking my line about the hot buttered rolls back to my blog. I'm allowed to plagairize myself.

Anonymous said...

Wow CP you were right. I'm sending my condolences to Beckeye ASAP

Tenacious S said...

Well, thank goodness I wasn't the only one who noticed that large expanse of hindquarter on Michael Johns. I didn't like it at all. I have one word for him, "Poser." He will never be Michael Hutchence. R.I.P.

Tenacious S said...

Oh yeah and I am also a David Cook/Jason Castro doublebill fan and have been since the beginning. Of the girls, I prefer Brooke.

lulu said...

Brooke looks like a Muppet.