Yeah, I know I'm a fucking loser, waiting until Saturday night to re-cap on the Idles. But I've been on vacation for a week and, well, having to think about this bunch of sluts and losers (this season, anyway), has felt like another job. And without further ado, I do declare:
Jared Cotter: What a pretender. Are we supposed to sit up and clap for him just because he's Black and playing at being soulful? Why in fuck's name does every dark meat contestant think that they can do Marvin Gaye any justice? Put down the microphone, asshole. I've got a bullet with your name on it. har har. Oh, and those eyebrows: that's some mud-drawn shit right there. Very Joan Crawford circa career-spiraling-down-the-toilet.
AJ Tabaldo: Sings okay, but he's unbelievably boring. I knew he wasn't going to last simply because he's so nice. He gets voted off and Sanjaya, the Gayest Gay Homo in all of Gayland, gets to stick around and he says it's okay? Oh, is it. Good luck flipping burgers for the next 20 years, pussy.
Phil Stacey: Fucking freak-eyed Dr. Evil. I hate this guy. I hate him so much that I can't even hear him singing over the raging blood in my ears. I don't even care to see him humiliated: vote him off NOW, Americans. (I'm Canadian and, as usual, have no power)
Sanjaya Malakar: I liked this kid in his audition, but he hasn't juiced my bean ever since. I'm a fag hag just like any girl who can't get laid, but this guy is the thermo nuclear meltdown of faggo-sexuality. I feel totally molested whenever he's on screen. What the fuck is up with that perma-smile? Looks like Seacrest might've left his dick in there during taping. Or else he's whoring for Colgate. P.S. - he can't sing. He seems as shocked as we all are that he's getting the votes.
Chris Sligh: Fatty can blow. I'm a champion of the underdog, so I hope Tubby McFucks gets to stick around for a while. He won't win though. Even if America lets a blubber tank like him win, he'll end up in the bargain bins like Taylor Hicks and that guy who came in second behind Clay Gayken. Nice curls, though.
Nick Pedro: Jesus fuck with the Vote for Pedro shit. I'm sure he's mumbling it crazily to himself as he goes back to landscaping in Massachusetts. Ouch.
Blake Lewis: Beat boxing on American Idol. Okay, Token. You'll get to stick around only as long as America digs the flavour. Three weeks more, tops!
Brandon Rogers: I think he's got great tone, but he can't truly carry a song. His voice is often nasally and drowned out by the music. Bottom line is he needs to be strung up and tortured with bizarre liquid products for butchering "Careless Whisper." That song is sacred.
Chris Richardson: I can't remember anything about his performance except he reeks of Justin Trousersnake. A pale imitation of. Boo!
Sundance Head: Another tubbachunks to cheer for, except this one is probably a bit talented. However, I don't think ZZ Top is stepping up with his song choices. How about some Blues Traveler? Yeah. His last name sounds like a blow job. Ryan and Simon must be tickled purple over this.