Other Door

A resounding WTF? The blank walls of my apartment were spanked with the sounds of my laughter tonight. I mean, I sat there for two hours and cackled at everything (including the commercials), but that might be 'cause I'm:

A. A lonely twenty-something spinster delirious from not having been laid for the past . . .
B. Courting a sinus infection so deadly it makes Paula Abdul's faux-Parkinson's look like a case of the Jimmy Legs.
C. Overdosing on enough Tylenol cold/flu to wipe out the US Army (if Iraq doesn't first. ba dum pum.)

I've got an ugly run-down of what happened tonight. First off, did they lock that door on the left just to be all, like, symbolic? Other door? How many times did we hear that tonight? And more disturbing, who the hell goes for the left door when there's a right door? I can't imagine. It's like driving -- stay on the right. It's just good traffic manners, that's all I'm saying.

First:

THE JUDGES

Jewel is a top selling artist of the last decade. On what planet? I like to think I've been awake for the past ten years and not once in those ten years have I heard anyone anywhere say "I just bought the latest Jewel CD." Maybe the hillbillies who dig yodeling and snaggle-toothed superstars. I'll admit though: her hair glows with the white-girl thing I've been chasing since 1998. I'm inclined to say she's pretty, but I'm dark meat. So, Jewel is just a podunk slut with jacked teeth that your dad thinks about titty fucking while he plugs your sister.

Paula Scabdul. This woman is America's Sweetheart. Nevermind the tremors, the half-closed eyes, the sagging facial features that whisper "Bell's Palsy." Something is really wrong with Pabs, but I'm not inclined to revise my opinion of her. She's the only redeeming factor in this entire show when you account for the random cruelty of Simon Cowell and the boring drivel that is Randy Jackoffson. But didn't we all cringe at* that video last week?

*masturbate to

Randy Jackson. Boring cocksucker. I guess he's there to provide expertise on being a fat slob.

I can't help wanting to blow Simon. He's so adorable. I know it's all in the editing, but his facial expressions made my bitty clitty hop like an 8-week old poodle. He's not nearly as interesting as Paula. If it turns out he has a crack habit or likes to spew cumshots on infants from 3rd world countries, I'll kick him up to the Second Most Interesting. But so far, Paula is the trainwreck to keep your eyes trained on.


THE OTHERS

One of the most horrific people on tonight's show was that first chick who sang "Kiss" by Prince. I didn't note her name because she was really ugly. But I perked up when her singing started looking like the kind of pained, guilty orgasms you have while being raped in the park.

That Colombian skank was really pretty, but her flirting annoyed the shit out of me. I knew she'd get pushed through based on her looks -- but that's okay. It'll be so much fun to watch her ego, her spirit, and her tenuous link to fantasy SNAP once she's booted. I just hope she's saving her pennies for that long, expensive trip back to the cum-washed gutters of South America. No, bitch, your hips don't lie. They say "two dollars for a thrust and a chin shot."

It seems I didn't like anyone tonight. It's possible most people, like me, tune into the premiere just to see the resulting mess people make of their auditions. But I was waiting stupidly for someone to cheer for. That didn't happen. I'm still looking forward to tomorrow, when it looks like the three-ringed freakus is going to be oot and aboot.

I'm going back to my snot rags and self-pity. Over and out.