Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Valerie's View - January 17, 2007

Simon was right, Seattle has no talent. Did anyone catch how many people actually got a golden ticket? I think it was between 10-20?

Thankfully, most of tonight's contestants will be forgotten by the time I finish typing this. I only jotted down notes on some of the contestants. A lot aren't even worth mentioning. Most are worth forgetting.

The first contestant I'd like to forget was "The Hotness." She said, "The Hotness is something that started when I was back in high school...people just started calling me the hotness just because I've always had a personality...I've never been afraid to speak my mind...they said you know I was a *growl* spicy personality." Yes, she actually growled. My stomach growled in anticipation of hurling.

This girl had a mole on her chin that you could build a house on. As Uncle Buck would say, "Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing."

If she's "The Hotness," then you can call me "Jessica Alba."

I'm guessing the high school she went to was the local School for the Blind.

The first person from Seattle to get a golden ticket was Tommy Daniels, or Mushroom 'Fro. After hearing his voice, I was surprised that it was his third time to audition. He had a nice voice and I predict he'll go to the final ten. Big 'fros are in. He'll appeal to the "I love big 'fros" demographic.

The next contestant I'd like to forget is Melissa. She had pink fishnet pantyhose on her arms. Simon nailed it when he said it looked like she had a sunburn. I don't know what look she was going for, but it was fug. I was a bit impressed that she was able to rap "Baby Got Back" so easily though.

The next person to get a golden ticket was Blake, a guy with very spiky, frosted hair. He was wearing a white jacket and when they would just show just his headshot, I kept thinking he looked like the host of some "Wacky Professor" show. Blake showed off his beatbox skills, which were tight. As someone who did the lamest beatbox you've ever heard, in concert, I can attest that it is waaaaaaayyyyyyyy harder than you can imagine. Go ahead and laugh.

And Blake's dad looks kind of like Captain Kangaroo. So all those Captain Kangaroo fans might vote for him, if he makes it that far.

Next up were the Wonder Twins. Fortunately, they chose to sing separately. It never works out well when siblings audition together. The girl was good. I agreed with Simon, she had a nice, pretty voice, but nothing outstanding. Her brother was slightly better. They both had very nice, white straight teeth. And the brother has potential in the looks department. Find him a razor to shave off that prepubescent facial hair. And get him some product for that mophead of hair. He could clean up pretty well, I think.

And in the "let's gross out our audience" category, Gollum and Tweedledee (or was it Tweedledum?) became BFF. I don't know if Gollum's singing or dancing was worse. And I don't care. I liked Tweedledee because it's great that someone who is mentally handicapped can get in front of Simon, Paul and Randy like that.

An Amazon Woman was the next lucky golden ticket winner. She was loud, and mostly in tune, but she didn't have a great tone in her voice. Paula and Randy even admitted that they are looking forward to seeing Amazon Woman singing in a trio in Hollywood. Proof that they just let people through for their own amusement.

The last person worth mentioning was Jordin, the daughter of some NFL player that I've never heard of. She was really good and, IMO, the best of the night. Most impressive is that she's only 16. She's the only one that I'm interested in hearing again.

I'm so happy I DVR'd this episode and fastforwarded through most of it. I'm also glad my memory is poor and I won't remember most of this by tomorrow.


Egan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Captain Kangaroo! Awww...

I'm glad my memory is poor, too. This night was awful.