Friday, February 23, 2007

24 and counting down

We're finally where I love to be. I hate audition shows and can't be bothered really. But once we get to the part where they perform for real then I'm ready. Last year I had Elliot and Taylor pegged straight from the top, and had Chris, Mandisa and Paris in close pursuit. Admittedly, I was wrong about Mandisa and Paris got old quickly, but I was pretty damn close. Let's see how I do this year.

By the way, do you have to watch that moron Cat Deeley, or is she just forced on us by ITV2?
And why have I never noticed Ryan's hooknose before? What a profile. Bless him.

  1. Rudy Cardenas - He interviews well, and he has really nice teeth. His singing, however, sucks ass. He mumbles, and his odd hand gestures are distracting. I think he might be the gay South American version of Ethel Merman. Go home.
  2. Brandon Rogers - I think he's handsome. But I think he's always sharp. And last I looked at the calendar it was February, so what the FUCK with the white belt, my friend? Go home.
  3. Sundance - I can't help it. I like the Goatman. I think he has potential. Get the stylists working on his goofy hair and fucked up beard and he'll be fine. Tonight he was pitchy, but I still believe there's something there waiting to wow us. By the way, I know what creeps you all out. The way he styles his hair looks vaguely horn-like and he's got a goat beard...if you painted him red and gave him a pitchfork he'd look like a big fat Satan, not unlike South Park Satan. Sadly, I think he's actually trying for rockabilly hipster. Bless.
  4. Paul Kim - Word chewer. (CP, how on earth could you even consider voting for him? Rice queen.) Plus the barefoot thing is a stupid, stupid gimmick. Dumbass. You can't sing, you can't dance, and you need to stop with the pointing immediately. Put your shoes on and go home. And confidential to Ryan...if you want to debunk the gay rumours, stop with the pedicure knowledge.
  5. Chris Robinson - I think the Mormon kid from the Fantasia Barrino year (JPL?) changed his name and is trying for a comeback. Watch for celestial underpants. And you're right. He's got a horrifically nasal voice. Can you imagine an album of that shit? Go home to Salt Lake.
  6. Nick Pedro - Shakes his head and grabs his crotch when he sings, neither of which is a good thing. I think he waxes his eyebrows. He could be worse, but he isn't good. Still, there's a raspy, kind of husky thing going on in his voice that could be sexy with the right song. And he managed to fly up into the falsetto really easily and that could have been really miserable. He has nice teeth, too, though, and really pink lips. He doesn't need to go home yet, as long as he takes his hands out of his pockets. Seriously, pal, what's with the slouching? I bet he got really drunk and slept with someone really inappropriate when the Red Sox won the series.
  7. Blake Lewis - The beatbox thing drives me up a tree. UP. A. TREE. He's shiny. And he couldn't have picked a dumber song if he'd tried. Except for maybe that stupid James Blunt Beautiful song, which I guarantee some asshole will sing this year. (I also find it odd that his middle aged dad knows the words to a Keane song.) And his hair is a little Jimmy Neutron for me. But he's endearing, and he has potential.
  8. Sanjaya Malakar - I want to pet his eyebrows. Look at those soft, furry eyebrows. Imagine their silkiness. Mmmm....sillllkeeee. I think he's got a lovely voice, and he seems really sweet. He could be really great if he wasn't so boring. I think that his efforts to repress his homosexuality are making him suffocate any campness, which might be the one thing that could make him interesting. That, or playing up the similarity to Michael Jackson. People love that guy, even with all the child molesting. And why two buttons? Oh. And Sanjaya's teeth are lovely.
  9. Chris Sligh - I love him. I love his hair. I love that he looks like Jack Osbourne. I love his jokes. I love that he hates Sweet Home Alabama. I love his song choice. He's really interesting, this kid, and he deserves to be famous. He will be a great famous person, unlike that surly Eddie Vedder or that retard Howie Mandel.
  10. Jared Cotter - I cannot take you seriously. You make an Earnest Face when you sing. Your name is straight out of a Harlequin Romance. And stop with the Expressive Hands. Jazz Hands are at least funny. And when you try to stylise your vocals you lose your pitch and it's really annoying. You're right...your challenge is yourself. And now you're hitting on that skank Cat Deeley. Go home.
  11. AJ Tabaldo - Again with the perfect teeth. Not a great singer, definitely not a great dancer. But he put forward a decent performance, so I'll let him stay. But someone please help him dress. Turned-up-collar polo shirt? You must be joking.
  12. Phil Stacey - Personally, I'd shave the head a little less closely, because your eyebrows look really out of place on all that white forehead, Phil. And they've put too much blush on you tonight, my dear. You look like a prostitute. And you started out a little flat, though you came through in the end. But you're sweet. And I like bald men. So you can stay. This time.
I'd like to point out that, though you got a whole 22 hours between round one and round two, I am now only halfway through four hours of American Idol. Will be really pleased when they get more of these people eliminated. So far, I think Simon is on the money, though I don't know what he means about the student gig. Randy is trying for some of the glory by being a prick, but he is not succeeding. The worst part about back to back shows? You have to watch the performance summaries twice in a row. Most of these guys sucked the first time, let alone the second and third.

Now for the ladies. I think Paula is wearing a trench coat and has nothing on underneath. Please, Paula, don't flash us.

  1. Stephanie Edwards - She's got great hair, she's wearing a great dress, and she's got bitchin' cleavage. Good song, lots of personality. Completely kicking ass. May have been on her knees, but did not dance like that retard Katherine McPhee. You kick ass.
  2. Amy Krebs - That's an unfortunate dress. She was fine. Nothing great. Nothing horrific. Nothing noticeable. She's like chicken. Why order it? You could make it at home. Have the lamb instead.
  3. Leslie Hunt - I like that she's a spaz. Spaz is good. But the spastic body motions are not good with the song. She's appealing, though, and I like her voice. In her profile she comes off as a bit of an alterna-chick, which would be a refreshing after the acres and acres of Whitney-wannabees that keep showing up on this show.
  4. Sabrina Sloan - Her audition sucked so I wasn't sure she why she got here. Tonight I'd say she did a good job. Though there was some inappropriate smiling going on. Listen to your lyrics when you sing. It's like you're on the Weather Channel glamming to the camera while you tell us about a tsunami. Keep singing like that, though, and you have a chance.
  5. Antonella Barba - I'm naming this one Jersey Skank-Ho until she goes. She sucks, her outfit is appalling, and she has really bad grammar. And really bad taste in friends. And did you see her parents in the audience? Talk about Jersey Barbie and Ken. Go away, little girl.
  6. Jordin Sparks - I like this girl, especially because she makes Ryan look like a midget. That's one hell of a voice coming out of a 17 year old girl. I mean, SERIOUSLY. Well done!
  7. Nicole Tranquila - Don't let this girl dance. What is up with the faces and the odd annunciation? Stop doing that! You are not Mary J. Blige. STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. Go to your room.
  8. Hayley Scarnato - She would benefit from charm school, as she has no presence when she's interviewed. Singing a dumb song, wearing an odd jumpsuit. Isn't this a Meatloaf song? Or maybe Celine Dion....same thing. She's fine. But I don't love her. In fact, I think I hate her.
  9. Melinda Doolittle - She rocks. She completely rocks. She's got composure, she's got style, and she's got serious pipes. How is it possible she's been a background singer? She holds the stage. I wish her neck were longer, though.
  10. Alaina Alexander - She pissed me off with her Nina Simone song in auditions because girls like her should not be singing Nina Simone. She looks like Mariah Carey, by the way, which bugs me. She's not horrific, though she was a bit pitchy. And it was a stroke of brilliance to sing that Pretenders one knows what the lyrics are, so it won't matter if you forget them. But the part you can understand makes you sound desperate.
  11. Gina Glockson - I like Gina. It's about time we have an American Idol with a pierced tongue. She's a little flat, but somehow that seems appropriate for this song. Her mom is cute. I say GO GINA GO.
  12. Lakisha Jones - She's from Flint MI, so she deserves to win. I really like her voice and, while I get tired of hearing the single mother story, at least she's not the Crack Baby. Takes some guts to get on the stage and sing that song while Jennifer Hudson is echoing around the world, but she did a standup job. Yes, Lakisha, I'm going to love you.
Rudy Cardenas is pissing me off even when he's in the audience. Thank god he went.


Coaster Punchman said...

Rice queen? I am going to kick your ass! Not only do you KNOW the proper phrase is rice person, but you also know that I am not a rice person!

But you do get brownie points for liking the Holly Hunter-looking spaz girl.

Dale said...

I remember early CP stalking and reading on his dislike of the branding because of course, we all know that he's ... not?

Loved your summation MJ! This is the level of scrutiny I've been waiting for. I need a few more of them pared away before I can really discuss. At this point, I had to stretch to figure out a few of their names.