So now I'm pissed

Ok, that God damned Gokey has to go. Now.

I wouldn't have been overly upset if my dear Allison had been eclipsed by Adam or Kris, though I still think she's better than both of them, especially Kris.

But Danny is just not a great singer. And he is clearly the worst musician out of tonight's four finalists. He couldn't carry a tune if it had another cock he was ready to suck hanging off of it. (Hell, if NV isn't posting, someone has to be filthy here.)

The only sweet thing about Allison getting kicked off tonight is that she R-O-C-K-E-D during her closing number - she is better than Janis Joplin. Really. That, and she totally blew off that asshole Cowell and you could tell he was pissed by how he glared at her. He deserved it, that piece of shit. They're all in Clive Davis's pocket and are just doing as they are told. They aren't allowed to like anyone but Cockey at this point.

On a related note, need I remind America that although Allison is only 17, that mediocre talent Jordin Sparks was 16 when she WON? Blech.

I'm adding Allison's exit to the list of other great injustices of the world, like the Holocaust and flip-flops.

Grrrr.

CP

Hokey Gokey

Danny Gokey didn't spend last night laughing over his caterwauling performance, he spent it sucking off every single person in America! I hope it felt good for y'all!

It was heartening to see that someone had enough respect for Paula (now with fewer painkillers!) to keep the lights off so we couldn't see her lips but could still catch her flips.

What was up with Gwen Stinkfani? She's not just a girl, she's B-A-N-A-N-A-S and an even more horrifying singer than I recalled.

Thank you American Idol for reminding me that Chris Daughtry's ego is now only slightly larger than his guitar and has been taking voice lessons from pokey Gokey.

Argh.

How can I be the first to realize this?

My blogging pals on Idolatry, you are seriously dropping the ball here. I simply cannot believe no one has yet come to the damning realization I am ready to utter. I am neither very creative nor observant, so I just don't understand how this universal truth could have escaped this entire blog circle.



Danny Gokey is nothing but an imitation of Michael Bolton. And a poor one at that.




I never would have dreamed there could exist such a thing as a worse Michael Bolton. But thanks to the graces of both the good Lord and Danny's dead wife, there is.


I hereby christen AI's most annoying contestant ever, Danny Bolton Gokey.

Dream on, Danny

Because you can screw up the words to a song, miss notes and sound like that poor Howard Dean at a rally and still they give you an "A" for effort. Meanwhile, Allison and Kris get panned because Randy isn't "feelin' it". And the looks on both A&K's faces as they got their critiques indicated that they now know there is a limit on positive comments from the judges, what since no matter what they do they simply cannot become Danny. In fact, I almost expected one of them to fight back at Simon by saying it outright.

Not only did Danny's singing suck, he looked like a complete idiot in his shirt and vest. It's like he thought it was Kenny Rogers night and he was about to sing The Gambler. And what's up with that stupid accent he has? He's from Milwaukee so anything other than a wide Sconny nasal is a complete put-on, likely in that misguided Timberlake-esque attempt to sound "street". And could he have been any more egotistical in the way he received the just slightly not completely sycophantic comments? I'll-have-to-listen-to-it-I-don't-think-it-could-have-been-THAT-bad my ass, Hokey. My DOG sings better than you did last night.

On a more positive note, I loved Adam last night. I thought his fake Led Zeppelin was perfect, he was charming and his duet with Allison made me happy. Flannery's right...they were really cute together. He's a class act, and while I'm still an Allison person I am now happy with the prospect of Adam as the next American Idol.

Well, They Figured Out How To Open And Close The Show With Adam

Can I just say that that was the best episode of American Idol I've ever seen? I love me some Adam and I've been wanting to see him sing with Allison for awhile now. They are so cute together and I love that Adam took Allison to his hairstylist. He's done a lot for her confidence and not just by helping her with a make-over. They've been very supportive of each other and you can see it when it's elimination time.

This is what "Rock and Roll" night never could be before. The combination of the great talent this year + Slash + band on the stage + Ryan Seacrest = Rock Cred. However, Randy and Kara did there best to shred all that up. What's with her Danny Zuko Kinicki [edited to save my car...I don't want no beef with Beckeye and I can't race at Thunder Road this weekend...I've got to go see Star Trek] act on rock night? I thought for a minute she was going to throw on her T-birds jacket, comb her hair, light a cigarette and start a rumble with the Scorpions. She's really embarassing.

I think Kris' time is up...there are too many people in love with Danny and Kris' meh performance will be his doom. He probably should have done Revolution. He would have stood out with that tune.

By the way, I want to see Adam as Conrad Birdie in the next production of Bye Bye Birdie. He's the perfect combination of talent, good looks and quirk.

Ways To Make Them Sing Better

Loser has to donate their liver or a kidney or an organ of Natalie Cole's choice on a very special edition of "Idol Gives Back". Natalie will then sing directly to them the 'together forever' bit from that song.

Down to five

So. Only half right, luckily, and it was Lil and Anoop with the tickets home this week. All in all, this is an acceptable result. I mean, I still think that dorky Matt should have gone before Anoop, but at least young Allison is safe. It was really only a matter of time for Mr. Desai, bless him. He just didn't have the dead wife required to make so-so talent a lasting Idol contender. I wish him luck, though. He's a good kid.

Which leaves us Allison, Matt, Kris and the Chosen Ones. I so dislike Danny and Matt that I have decided to become an Adam supporter - acknowledging that I cannot beat them, I am officially joining them. If we get to a top three of Allison, Kris and Adam I will at least feel that talent has won the day, and then I guess I'll get over it when Allison and Kris don't win. 

I'm not sure why it's become so important to me that Danny and Matt go home immediately, but it has. 

Danny is a smug, holier-than-thou hack. For me, he has come to embody all of the evil, self-centered, hypocritical fake love of the modern day Kristian.  On the surface, he's all sweetness and light, but none of it is reflected in his eyes unless they're talking about him. Am I being judgmental and basing that critique on stereotypes? Perhaps. Is it evil and unkind of me to judge someone so harshly, especially when I don't know them? Absolutely. But I'm convinced that Danny thinks God is going to help him beat Adam in the final because Adam is gay, which I find offensive in both the presumption and the content. (I mean, here's the church's website - these folks use ALL the buzzwords that indicate they believe God loves some people more than others.) It would be great to be wrong about this. It would be great if Danny is actually an open-minded guy who doesn't believe he knows more about what God wants for this world than the rest of us, and who doesn't think being gay damns you to eternal hellfire.  But I doubt it. And since that's what I believe, I don't want Danny to win.  I want Danny to be voted off immediately so he can be relegated to Praise Radio where he belongs. 

As for Matt, he seems like a nice enough guy but he just doesn't perform at the same level as the others. He should just have the Justin Timberlake surgery and leave us alone. 

America, please come to your senses and send these two packing.

Disco night sucked

On disco night, I wanted to see some disco, not each artist trying to be coy by performing the lyrics and melody of a disco tune in a completely different style.  Therefore, this episode had me pissed on many levels... and since I went in with a bad attitude because I had to look at that stupid Matt Girard another week, let's just say there was a lot of yelling in our house last night.

Lil can't sing. She has totally lost any groove she ever had. I blame the judges' sycophantic ass kissing of Hokey and Lambear. While they're busy chasing the rainbows and unicorns these two are s*$%%$#g, they've reduced all other contestants' critiques to:

1) You can really blow/sing, have great pipes, etc.

2) You are really true to yourself/have a great style/give it your all

3) That song wasn't right for you/you haven't found your style/you were pitchy

4) You look nice tonight (and 4a) WTF are you wearing)

5) No matter what happens (i.e. when Adam and Danny-Dead-Wife make the finals), you should know that you're talented, too. Kind of.

Lil keeps getting 1,  2 and 4 or 4a, the worst combination ... and I think it really psychs her out. I don't blame her. No matter what she does, she gets 1, 2 or 4. It's like they're not even watching her perform. 

Kris is my favorite. I think he's great. I was annoyed he didn't do a disco song in a disco fashion, but if I suspend that bias I thought his performance last night was great.  Kris sounds like someone whose record I'd buy. Plus he's cute, and he's a way better dancer than either of the Annointed, and I like that he still has his wife in the audience close up every week despite Simon's cynical advice from earlier in the competition. His performance earns him 1, 2 and 5, which is the best praise any non-Danny/Adam will get this season.

Danny was off key. The judges complemented him on his excellent pitch.  His arrhythmic dancing and same-ole-same-ole voice were boring at best. Everyone but Simon thought he was riveting and very sexy. I thought the arrangement was overproduced and he threw in a bit too much white-people-mega-church-gospel styling.  The judges thought it was funky and clever. Perhaps they were referring to one of the dress-rehearsals where they actually wrote their comments. And how is it that no one feels compelled to point out that each performance he gives now is exactly like one he's given earlier in the competition, when they seem so hell bent on commending Adam for the way he constantly "changes things up"? I have to leave the room (or fast forward) because Hokey is really messing with my blood pressure.

Frankly, more than the dullness and the bad dancing and bad pitch Hokey kicks out every week, my biggest problem with him is that he's a pompous, over-confident ass. He doesn't even try to look humble or fallible. He just sits there with a yeah-I-WAS-really-great-tonight-I-really-liked-that-part-too smugness while the judges laud him with praise. Heck, even Adam looks flattered when they say nice things (though he has had all that theatrical training which is likely coming in handy.) I want nothing more than to see his utter shock and horror when he gets put in the bottom 3. But the Kristian block is voting for America's Charismatic Youth Director, so that is unlikely.

Allison, as usual, rocked the house. Personally, I didn't much like the arrangement (and neither did RandKara,) but she still managed to pull it off.  Were I a judge, I would tell her that she should try NOT being so true to herself, because sometimes it doesn't suit the song. The rocker background bass overshadowed her, and it would be nice to see her try something softer sometimes. She is my other favorite, and the judges give her 1,2 & 5, too, but with the hint of 3 from RandKara it isn't quite as good as Kris'. So she's in the bottom 3, I think.

The shoulder pads and hourglass tailoring of Adam's suit were distracting, and why must he be made to look like a foppish Elvis every time he sings a ballad? Can he not scream tenderly with his eyeliner and hairshag in their natural state?  I thought the arrangement of "If I Can't Have You" just revealed the silliness of the song's lyrics, and even though he's very talented and has a lovely voice, it made no more sense to me than would a tender, emotive ballad version of "John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt".  But no matter. The judges worship Adam as a God.  

I really want to like Adam, but I just don't. I mean, he's talented, he's odd, he's flamboyantly gay on the most-watched television series in America...all things that appeal to me. I'll even go so far as to say I wish him well. But I think Kris and Allison are a better reflection of what AI brings to the music industry. Adam was already doing well and he doesn't actually need this. That said, once it does get down to the Lambear-Hokey final, I'll be voting 700 times for Adam. 

Matt sucked. He came off as an ugly Justin Timberlake impersonator, his vocals were a mess and he proved why the save was wasted on him. Which probably explains why he got a 1,2,4 and 5 critique to cover up the grotesque error in judgement.

Anoop chose a stupid song, and though his vocals weren't horrible, the performance was strictly b-grade. I didn't actually listen to the critiques but I think he got a 1,2 kind of 5, with a 4 from Crazy Paula. I still think he's cute, though.

Bottom Three: Matt or Anoop, Lil, Allison

Should go home: Matt and Lil. 

Will go home: Lil and Allison (hopefully causing Simon to tell Matt point blank that they should not have saved him and that Kara is fired for pushing them to do it.) 

My deepest, darkest wish to send packing: Matt and Danny - Gumby bites it anyway, and now their Hand of God is not available to save Hokey from his own mediocrity.

The judges save

Seriously. They saved Matt Girard?! That's ridiculous.

I fear that Allison will end up in the bottom 2 next week and then she'll be off the show, and that stupid Gumby will have a post-save bounce and be safe. Those judges suck.

On the other hand, perhaps so many people will try to vote for Matt to keep him safe that they figure one week of not voting for Danny won't hurt him.  And then he'll go back to his praise band on Sunday mornings and we won't have to listen to him breathe in the middle of his songs' (deep breath!!!!!) phrases.

Songs from Moviezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

...huh? What? It's over?

That was the probably the worst episode of American Idol in the history of Idol. It was so bad it danced on the path of worstness. Two Brian Adams songs? Quentin Tarantino coaching singers? And don't forget Danny Deadwife's subtle use of the harp to communicate "endless love" to his dead wife, who is an angel and only speaks harp. GAG ME.

Oy.

And why not fire Kara instead of cutting Simon out of 50% of the judgery? What has she really brought to the competition that Randy hasn't already covered? I mean "artistry" is the new "pitchy," dawg.

And was Paula wearing a bejeweled spinal column?

Not even Ryan and his mad time management skillz and Adam and his gifts from outer space could save this one.

Bottom three? Anoop, Matt, and Lil. Going home? Matt. But who really cares after tonight. Ugh.

Dale is evil but he's funny

I really could not take another night of listening to Blind Scott sing, so I'm really glad he's gone. Really.

But I'll admit I did tear up watching the judges seriously deliberate saving him - and frankly I think it was all for show. I felt actual terror in my heart at the thought that they might waste their only save on him. They'll need it for Allison, I fear.

But I'm not a TOTAL bitch (like Dale) and I did feel a glimmer of sentimentality for the poor guy. (Poor guy....hell, he's headed for a career a lot more fun than mine so who is he to complain?)

Nonetheless, it was kinda sad. But childbirth is also painful and someone has to do it.

Bye Scott. Don't come back soon, please.

I Can See Clearly Now

My final picks

I want the final to be Allison vs. Kris or Danny. And then I want Allison to win.


And you know how I can be when I don't get my way.

Just sayin'.

CP

What's the big damn deal?

I am not an Adam fan, but I will admit that he's had some really good performances. That said, I absolutely hated the version he did of Mad World last night. I thought his arrangement sucked, and I don't get why everyone is raving.

Ok, this about wraps it up

Matt: I think he's a cute kid. Lil totally deserves to go before he does. Sorry MJ.....



Kris: I forgot to comment on him earlier. This kid is adorable. If I were 20 years younger.....



Adam: Sorry fans, not feeling him. Simon is officially on crack. Or maybe he wants "favors" from Adam.



I still have part of a beer left. Oh, what the hell.

G'night.

I'm too lazy to make more drinks

Here's the latest update on my AI watching:

Lil: MJ, I'm sorry, but I'm just not feeling her. Neither are the judges. She must have peaked early. Suffer, Pope!


Anoop: He's growing on me. He touched me tonight. And it wasn't a bad touch. That Cyndi Lauper song always makes me cry, and he succeeded.


Scott: Nice enough guy, but I just can't stand his voice. Oh my God, this song is heinous. Is this Peter Cetera? Or just Chicago? I've blocked it - never thought I'd have to listen to it again. MY EARS! MY EARS! I'm always afraid he's going to walk off the edge of the stage, too. I'd like his brother's phone number, however. Hah, Randy just told him he wants him to "leap off the stage." (vocally)


Allison: Ok, which judge is going to say "You don't have to make me love you, because I do?" As for me, Coaster Punchman, I LOVE THIS GIRL. I LOVE THIS GIRL. But I'm worried that she might lose this week because when the good ones go out early it's almost ALWAYS after they've done a sad, victim-based ballad. I need to vote for her multiple times. And Simon is a jackass. She's incredibly likeable.

Ok, so I guess I am original. Allison doesn't have to make me love her. I already do.




And I'm not drunk any more. Shit.

I call for an end to the Gokey-bashing!

I've decided I love Danny Gokey. I don't care about his dead wife. She was probably a bitch anyway.

Number of cocktails consumed: 4 + one beer

Number of Poor George ribs consumed: 3 and working on 4th. Unfortunately it will counteract my alcohol consumption.

Number of plates of Poor George mac 'n cheese consumed: 1. I'm almost done with it and I'll be sad.



I'm going to hell.

Fantasia rocks

Out of all the winning song finales (or whatever you call that when the winner has to sing) Fantasia's is the bestest of the best. I sat here and cried like a baby while she performed. She just radiates eternity.

God I'm drunk..

Cocktails consumed: approximately 4

Auditions are STUPID

I'm about 1/3 the way through the 'Best of American Idol Seasons 1-4' DVD. I have the following observations:

* Kelly Clarkson is hot. It's not fair that some people get all the looks and the talent. Although I'm happy that she's porked out a bit. And I don't even mean that in a mean way.

* I am OVER the auditions. O-V-E-R. About 2/3 of what I've seen on this DVD so far are rehashes of all the bad auditions. And Simon says "Oh yeah, all these people are genuine."

Balls.

Cocktails consumed: about 2 1/2

Mood: giddy

Holy Sh*t!

Gentle Readers,

Poor George flew up to San Francisco to see Mama Gin. Leaving me all alone on Idol night. (At least I think tonight is Idol night; I haven't checked the TV listings.)

So how do I cope? By fixing up a nice plate 'o nachos with red beans, jalapenos, jack cheese, olives, and oh yeah, you do need the damn tortilla chips.

And a nice shaker 'o pomo-peach cosmos to go with it.

'Cept I don't normally mix cocktails for one, so I didn't even think about what I was doing. And now I've got mee-self a nice double batch. It may even be a triple, on accounta I provide a generous pour even when it's just PG and me.

I'm beginning the evening by watching a DVD I got from the library - "The Best of American Idol Seasons 1-4." Then I'll move on to the real thing. I will provide periodic updates throughout the evening.

Fasten your seatbelts. It's gonna be a bumpy night.

CP