This year's theme

I've got it! This year, Simon and the gang are looking for the new Winehouse/Feist/Duffy/Adele sound-alike to cash in on the husky voiced soulstress craze. This is going to really annoy me.

And FYI to trampy Mormon girl in the layered wife-beaters:  Just because you had a baby, it does NOT follow that you can now be the American Idol.  If that were true, that chick in California that just birthed eight would totally kick your sorry ass.

It's Mormon Night!

Crazy Horses! It's Mormon night on American Idol, and we start out with an actual singing Osmond. With MS no less! This is going to be good.

Welcome to Utah! The friendliest place on earth! Unless you happen to be gay, in which case we'll marry your dead relatives to each other, but we want nothing to do with you. You better watch your back, Ryan.

Was this the guy that got married on line?

I saw the wedding happen and I could have sworn Season 6's Brandon Rogers was the groom. I was settling in for some back story from Ryan but he just swept right past this. Perhaps I'm wrong, but dude looked just like him. Anyway, I can't confirm this since I clicked "Delete" as soon as I was done watching the show. Also, no one else seems to have picked up on this and I know the producers wouldn't let something like this slide by.

Other than that, thank God last night's show was only an hour. I'm already missing the halcyon days of last week. Of course, after the innauguration, this show was rather anti-climactic, no matter how much fighting Kara and Simon did in an under two-minute montage.

Nerd kid in the closet. I know, I know this is serious.

I have been totally sucked in by the manipulative contestant storytelling. Love the blind guy. Love the tattooed chick with pink hair, and I think that moldy geek from the closet who snarked back at Simon has a bright future, at least until we get towards the final twelve.

And I was so happy to hear the Coldplay song they used. It reinforces my theory that they are talentless hacks whose sell-by date has long since passed. Oh, wait. No. They're alternative and cool. That's why they're letting AI use one of their songs.

And allow me to plug Lisa De Moraes TV column in The Washington Post...her AI summaries always make me laugh.

YAY! It's Idol season!!!!!!

I Kissed A Girl And I Liked It

Ok, the moment she leaned in and kissed Ryan and they played that song, I was hooked. I laughed so hard I think I peed a little bit. What a way to ward off the Arctic Blast! My mood has vastly improved since 7:59 p.m.

I'm hopeful; it looks like they are going to be true to their word to cut back on the weirdo's this season, which is fine. The people who get through are goofy enough.

And good job to new host, Kara. She fits in well and she's got the goods to back up her opinion. And good for Paula for making it work. By the way, the little dance that one girl lead the group in was straight off of "Get Up and Dance!," Paula's aerobic DVD that I've just resumed working out to. That move was the "George Jetson," I believe. Either that or the "Ho Down."

I'm literally out of the closet. Or rather figuratively. Actually, that skinny guy literally came out of the closet. I am figuratively out of the closet. I never sat and watched Idol while in a closet, though I did hide my love for this show, but now I'll say it proudly. He actually sat in the closet to practice singing and came out after the mold made him sick. I love the way they were totally arguing the opposite.

And will I go to hell for saying it will be interesting to watch the blind guy crack? Then I won't say it...

By the way, I'm not bothering to learn/look up contestants' names. Let's see who gets past Hollywood first.

It's the honeymoon phase in Season Eight, so enjoy it while it's fresh! Remember these times when you're in the dumps of week 13.

Bring It ON!

Don't forget: The two-hour premier is this week: Tuesday and Wednesday at 8:00 p.m.



I'm betting that the addition of a new lady judge, Kara DioGuardi, is going to cause our Paula to dig in her purse for pills and her flask, which can only mean one thing: More fun for us!



So, get your favorite product-placement beverage, climb into your skin-tight black tees, and artfully tousel your hair because...THIS. Is Amercian Idol Season 8, dawg!

Ace In The Hole

I'd almost forgotten about this creep but look who's back and greasier than ever!  Broadway will never be the same!

Drama, Drama, Drama!

It looks like there's a new judge in town. Ms. Paula seems a bit grouchy about it. I think it should spice things up. What do you think?

STATLER: Boo!

WALDORF: Boooo!

S: That was the worst thing I’ve ever heard!

W: It was terrible!

S: Horrendous!

W: Well it wasn’t that bad.

S: Oh, yeah?

W: Well, there were parts of it I liked!

S: Well, I liked alot of it.

W: Yeah, it was GOOD actually.

S: It was great!

W: It was wonderful!

S: Yeah, bravo!

W: More!

S: More!

W: More!

S: More!

American Idol Tour - Second Hand News

A guy who rides the train with me takes his kids each year to the Idols Live tour although I know it's really because he wants to see it. His kids are in their early 20s.

This year, he said that the bottom 6 performed a few songs each and then did a group number. When it was Ramiele's turn to sing, her microphone went out mid-song and she just kept singing until someone brought her a new one. That one conked out too and people started to boo and she just walked off stage.

There was an intermission, I'm not sure why that would be.

The top 6 did their bits, Brooke did her 'set' in bare feet. Everyone sang well but when Syesha was finished, she said "I'd like to thank you all for coming to my show".

Bla bla bla, the Davids were good bla bla bla.

That is all.

VINDICATION!

This is an American Idol first: an early CP-supported candidate wins the title! And this despite the judges' lame attempt to hand Archuleta the prize on a silver platter with their scathing comments on the finals show. Shows what they know.

Although I may have to agree with Beckeye here: the producers weren't about to let another Daughtry slip away and escape the greedy clutches of Clive Davis. They may have rigged it to have Cook-boy win, and only told the judges to say the things they said to make Little Archie feel better, or at least to help him avert a beating (off) from his father.

But we'll have none of that negativity and speculation tonight here at American Idolatry, Gentle Readers. For tonight we drink a toast to the guy who deserved to win it from the start: David Cook. Tonight David took the prize for Chris, for Elliott, and especially for Melinder.

Bravo.

David Cook, here's your ass on a platter

Was it the American Idol final or a David Archuleta blow-job session? "Gee David Cook, it sure was swell of you to show up tonight! Now get down on your knees and blow Little Archie. DO IT!"

The judges may as well have just said that. Jezus.

Spoiler Alert!!!

I Predict the Winner of AI 7 Will Be...

highlight the text below to find out

A Guy Named "David".

You're welcome.

A-Meh-Rican Idol

I could care less who wins...but I don't want to waste my time. Did you know, for Mother's Day, I got an i-Tunes gift card? I went straight to the AI stuff to download my favorite appearances. It was sort of a zen/ouija board experience. I scanned the offerings and clicked the ones I liked best. Here's what I got:

• Over the Rainbow, Jason Castro
• Daydream, Jason Castro
• Halleluia, Jason Castro
• Jail House Rock, Danny Noriega

Do you spot the trend? I guess I did have a favorite after all, but he was so under the radar, I didn't even realize it myself. Sigh. I've never been so underwhelmed by Americian Idol. I couldn't even get excited about the obvious superiority of David Cook. He's such a smug bastard with an alien dome; I just don't like him. David A is out of his league and we've already talked about She Who Must Not Be Named.

Let's hope for a total shake-up of this show for season 8. Please.

Can We Talk?

Syesha is so full of shit. She somehow sold herself on the idea that the civil rights movement somehow paralleles her "Journey" on American Idol. How the fuck does the fight against centuries of oppression compare to singing 3rd rate pop songs (tonight's song excepted of course) to three opinionated bitches who don't pull punches? I'm telling you, Sam Cooke is spinning in his grave right now.

I don't believe her for a second. I think she concocted this parallel so that she could seem deep and soulful instead of shallow and soulless. But as always with this girl, she misses the mark by a country mile. It's like watching a robot randomly select artistic flourishes to create a mood she thinks we will be moved by. It's a series of macros designed to tug our heartstrings. Sure, she can sing. She's got technique up the wazoo. But she just doesn't understand. I'm totally with Randy and his bitchy retorts about her performance.

I'm so upset right now by her crocodile tears and her manhandling of a sacred protest song. You know, every since Danny Noriega left the show, I've been looking for somebody to love, somebody to move me. But every week, I come up snake eyes. No one has stepped up and left their soul on the stage. Syesha thought she did. She went through the motions, but she was just a facsimile...a painting of a shadow of the real thing.

On behalf of the living, I would like to apologize to Sam Cooke for this disaster of manipulation and lies. Let's hope America isn't buying her line of crap.

Vote For The Best!

Please tell me that you won't vote off the best contestant ever America! Her performance last night made up most of the rest of that wasted hour.




In sadder news, are we never to see Brooke cry again? We'll always have the pout! Here she is with a few other ghosts of Idol past.

Music of the Night

Just give it to David Cook and be done with it for cripes sake.

What Does It Say About Season Seven...

...when the number one download from iTunes is the American Idol theme song? Is not one of the top 8 more compelling than that collection of sound effects?

Shock and Awwww

Could Reese Witherspoon have stood any further away from the black lady she was talking to about people needing hugs on the Idol Gives Back show last night? Shocking yes, but nothing prepared me for the gasps heard around the world tonight as Michael Johns was booted from the show. His version of Dream On was really quite good and nowhere near as bad as the stink coming off of David Cook the other night.

Idol may give back but hey America, what gives?!

Quote of the Season

Paula to David Cook: You did something magical in your hand. Let me see it.

The long awaited CP Idol Rankings

Here is my rundown, favorites at the top and the people I want murder..... er, I mean gone, at the bottom:

1. David Cook or Jason Castro

2. David Cook or Jason Castro (my boys are tied for #1)

3. Just to reinforce that I am fickle, David Archuletta

4. Brookie

5. Crusty Lee or Scarly

6. Crusty Lee or Scarly

7. Diareesha

8. Michael I love myself more than the air that I breathe Johns

I risk the fierce wrath of Beckeye by publishing this, so let me qualify this by noting that if he were a private dude not trying to get America to love him, I would allow her to rim to her heart's content with no sarcastic banter from me. However, a private dude he ain't, and since he is putting it out there, let me as well:

I hate Michael Johns. I hate everything about him. I hate his simpering rock-star wannabe act. (Kudos to Simon for putting out the "wannabe" comparison. It was just the quality I was abhorring but couldn't quite put my finger on.) I hate his cravat. I hate his smug "look at me, am I not beautiful?" face. I hate his wide ass.

If you're going to pretend to be Eddie Vedder, then be Eddie Vedder. Sing your heart out and then tell us to go fuck ourselves. Don't put on this rock-star act and then stand in front of the judges so obviously hoping they don't tear you to shreds.


I might hate David Cook too if he were a little less ugly. But he is not (a little less ugly) so his perceived smugness feels OK to me. I get the vibe from David Cook that he would like to win but he's not ready to sell his own grandmother down the river to accomplish it. And Michael Johns is.

He even changed his name. What a complete suck up.

Done.