Monday, May 14, 2007


Who will win???? After enduring week after week of this, it's finally almost over. HOORAY!

I have decided to throw down for Jordin.

She's an Amazon, and I prefer giants to midgets. She has a neck. I prefer her teenage chirpy perkiness to the aw-shucks-they-like-me perkiness of Melinda. She has huge hair. Her voice is not as good as Melinda's, but she's still good. She's young and impressionable and has potential for a seriously messed up fast-lane lifestyle that, after years of diet pills and booze and heroin (and then recovery,) will make for a great made-for-TV-movie. If you put all past American Idols in a wrestling match to see who reigns supreme, she'd win hands down. She'd be a great spokesperson for tampons, giving her a second income stream. If she were on Leno or Letterman, she wouldn't sit there in wide-eyed wonder at everything, but would likely talk on and on about herself. And she's shiny.

Melinda is very talented, and if this were a talent competition she should win. It's not. It's American Idol. They're looking for a marketing juggernaut. And Melinda is very, very dull. Unless she comes out during the final and dedicates a lovesong to her female lover, in which case America's love affair with personable lesbians will create a complete circus and give us something interesting to watch for sordid details. Otherwise she should be relegated to guest appearances on celebrity Christmas Specials. She'd be great singing Sleighride in a "snowball fight" with the kiddies on a Very Osmond Christmas.

Blake, well, Blake is a cartoon character. He has potential for a hit or two, but no long-term appeal. Who would want to see him on Extra or ET? No one. That's who. He would not be a compelling Gap model. His beat boxing sounds like stuttering. I hate stststuttering. Go away, Blake.


Coaster Punchman said...

Don't make me reach through this computer to bitch slap you, Melinda June. Just because my princess has the same name as you is no reason to get all jealous. You full-neck people really think you're better than the neckless, don't you?

Yes, Jordin is marketable because America has certainly shown its appetite for tall skinny seventeen year olds whose greatest talent is their ability to squawk out songs in J-Lo style like so many parrots. How many more Jordins do we need?

Let Ms. McPhee-lite go on shrieking about being a "wo-man in loooove" and have her career anyway if she's so great. Let her be another Clay Gay-kin. Truth is, Melinda is adorable and not at all "dull" as you so callously put it. What, does a girl have to have "bitch" written all over her for you to find her scintillating? Is that what it will take?

Furthermore, let me remind you that your favorite from last year, Elliott Yamin (may his name be praised) was also considered far from marketable due to his ugly mug and teeth that could stop ten freight trains. Melinda is way cuter that Elliott and can sing him under the table. Why the double standard, dearest?

This is war now. Get ready, American Idolatrists. It ain't gonna be pretty from here on in.

Melinda June said...

I take back what I said. Melinda would suck in a snowball fight because she can't turn her head to see who's sneaking up behind.

You're a sap. Do you listen to Perry Como, too?

Coaster Punchman said...

No. But let us know when you're over your apparent love affair with Celine Dion.

Melinda June said...

Anyone who can sing with Dead Elvis is ok by me.

Coaster Punchman said...

Well if you're defending Celine, nothing more can be done for you.

And by the way, my Melinda may let out a hearty Praise Jesus! on occasion, but she's no damn Mormon. That crack about the Osmonds was a low blow. Very Brady Christmas Vol. 5 maybe, but she wouldn't be caught dead on TV with those sanctimonious dead people baptizers.

Dale said...

a second income stream? Hilarious. Are you ready for Coaster Punchman's wrath Melinda June? To paraphrase Melinda NoNeck: I pray so.

All hail the tampon queen!

Coaster Punchman said...

Yeah, well you two losers can't even vote, so blow it. Your words mean nothing here.

Marni said...

I like Jordin, but I LOVE Melinda. I don't think she'll win though... and that makes me very, very, very sad.

BUT... if she doesn't win she doesn't have the American Idol albatross hanging around her neck either. Look at how well that served Jennifer Hudson...

The only two AI winners worth a crap are Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood... Jordin doesn't even compare to those two.

Melinda is worthy of the title and deserves it. BUT it may do her more harm than good.

I do agree about Blake. He needs to take his beat box and go away.

Dale said...

My words mean nothing anywhere! It's so freeing! Yay! Blake might even win! Yay! A.I. Rules!

Coaster Punchman said...

Need the meds readjusted again, Dale?

Marni Marni, I disagree. For one, how many times has Melinda been in the bottom three? I'm not sure, but I think ZERO. And definitely not in recent weeks. Unlike Jordin, who has been there more than once. Already that speaks to the willingness of AI's VOTING public (unlike some worthless viewers) to value real talent over a shameless display of cleavage and cheesy lounge singer imitations. We must keep the faith! We are strong! We are Doolittlelites!

Dale said...

Lites being the operative part of that word.

Marni said...

Yes we are CP... I am proud to be a Doolittelite... :) and that's fun to say!

BeckEye said...

I saw The Personable Lesbians at Irving Plaza last year and they were amazing.

What's all this anti-Blakeness going around here? I love the Blakester.