Todrick Hall: This guy likes his v-neck sweaters. He's singing Kelly Clarkson lyrics but I have no idea what this is. I love the song this is based on, so maybe I like it? He punches the air a lot. Enthusiasm? Truly no idea what to make of him. None. Oh. Randy just started with, "You know I'm a fan of yours, right?" which is code for, "I'm about to trash you, dawg."
Special note to AI judges: After your Adam-fawning last season when he sang things like "Ring of Fire," you are asking for this sort of thing. See what I told you?!
Aaron Kelly: Why is he here? What about how you don't get through if you forget your words? I thought that was a rule? He must have gotten stuck in traffic because he's still in his street clothes. The song is dull, he is nothing special and a chorus of "here comes goodbye" seems a bad choice. His voice didn't suck, but he kind of did.
Jermaine Sellers: Please put the bill of your hat on straight. I don't care for this kind of singing. At all. What kind, you ask? Wailing off key oversinging. Ellen agreed, but she's a judge so she had to start with, "you know I'm a fan..." I can just say, "Jermaine, that totally sucked."
Tim Urban: Can't your cousin Keith get you a record deal? He looks like an extra on "That 70's Show" and his official photo has sweat stains in the pits (the one where he's leaping in the air and wearing an orange t-shirt.) I don't love his voice and the song is too high for him (and not a great song, either,) but I like that he got kicked off and asked back, and I love the fact that he kept it a secret from his family until they saw him on tv last night. Keep him.
Joe Munoz: He's adorable but I don't like his wussy speaking voice. I also don't love his singing voice, which is probably more relevant. Oh! He's sitting on a stool. Gutsy for the first show. What about the fist pumping and mic pulling? You know what? I'm taking it back. I do kind of like his singing voice. And I think he's charming. I vote yes for Joe Munoz. I'm going to have to find the tilde on my keyboard.
Tyler Grady: Another guy from "That 70's Show." And that's a GIANT mouth. And he's singing "American Woman". When he opens it fully he looks like that man-eating plant in Little Shop of Horrors. Tuneless song under the best of circumstances, abysmal song with his creative vision. For the first time ever am going to evoke the phrase, "This is a singing competition." Get off the stage, hack.
Halfway through, and this show is all about people coming at songs with their own "style." Again, it's your fault, judges.
Lee Dewyze: A Chicago boy who sells paint. I think he sounds like Hootie. I'm in. And then he sings that ridiculous Snow Patrol song and he's lost me. He's flat, and he's not adding anything with his "interpretation." Curse you, AI judges! This season is going to be unwatchable, what with all your demands that contestants show you who they are and not imitate other artists. Ellen says, "I really like that song choice for you until you (sang it.)"
John Park: Another Chicago kid. And he's proposing to Shania Twain. What's not to like about a handsome kid that likes the older ladies? I hate the song he's singing, and it has nothing to do with him. I just think it's kind of a dull and annoying song. Don't love him, but don't hate him either. I'd kick out Tyler Grady and Jermaine first, and then I'll make up my mind.
Michael Lynche: He's on the backfoot with me, what with the whole better-life-for-my-kids thing. I liked him in auditions, though, and I like him now, too. Big boy, nice moves but I don't think he's actually playing the guitar and that should incur a penalty - no instrument props allowed. He's charming. Delightful. Likeable. Lovely voice. Stylish without annoying me. Favorite so far. Maybe even over my two messy hair girls from last night.
Alex Lambert: (no relation) He's a 19 year old high school student. Wha? And he's got some weird flippy curls at his neck. Vaguely mullety. I can't get past it. I don't like this song, but I hate his hair. His jacket is to short and it makes his ass look huge. HUGE. But that HAIR!?! WTF?
And now my two favorites pre-favorites.
Casey James: Handsome. Would love to have him on all season, but I cannot watch this whole Kara love fest thing with him. It's nasty. Actually playing his guitar, so I'm happy with that. And this is a good performance. I am vindicated. Perhaps he will stay, Kara will be completely inappropriate, he'll file a harassment lawsuit and she'll be cast off the show. A blessing multi-pack.
Jesus, she is SO nasty. Nasty Nasty Nasty. I can't take this. Yuck. Kara is going to ruin him for me.
Andrew Garcia: Another "support my kids guy." Annoying. I don't love this song, but I do like him. He's kind of a one trick pony, though. I would like him to stay, but he's going to have to get out from behind that guitar and do something a little different pretty soon or I'm going to get sick of him.
Verdict: Jermaine, Tyler are out.