Talent week

It was apparently Talent Week on American Idol. Don't get me wrong, there were some stupid, bad, even ridiculous performances. But compared to the last two weeks it was like watching the Grammys.

Double rats

Not one week after I begged for the demise of Titsiana-del-Loco and Danny-Dead-Wife, both of them come out as the top performers of the night.

This first night of voting might have been the absolute worst night of Idol ever, outside of an audition show, of course. Of the twelve contestants, I'd say only about five of them were on pitch, and pretty much every performance was a complete snoozefest. Mind you, these twelve contestants aren't the only talent for the year, therefore it's too early to say if it's going to be a good season. And I still think that Stephen Fowler, Ricky Braddy and Anoop-Dawg would be good finalists, but I don't think any of them are going to make it off this show unless they are let in as wild cards. But when you've got that Stevie Wright singing karaoke and that Casey Carlson doing a Sarah-Palin wink with an Elaine Bennis thumb dance, well, the season is NOT getting off to a good start.

The one GOOD thing to come from the night: Jackie Tohn has earned a worthy nickname...thanks to those nasty spandex pants, for the remainder of the season she will be known as Jackie 'Toe. (Yes, CP, it WAS Taco Night on American Idol. Perhaps there is a new sponsorship deal in the works.)

I text-voted for Anoop and Titsiana. I know. I suck.

Let's get this party finished

This is a picture of a crazy girl. Guess what her name is.

Gentle Readers,



Finally the stupid audition shows are over and we can start taking control of this train wreck. However, I remain underwhelmed by tonight's first live show of Season 8, and leave you with the following thoughts:



Jackie Thon: I am so glad to have Simon here tonight. Those other three judges must have been on crack to say ANYTHING positive about her. To paraphrase David Sedaris in all his wisdom, I would characterize that performance as having violated virtually every aspect of my basic human rights. I strongly suspect that those trousers featured some prominent camel toe, although I was afraid to look too closely.



Ricky Braddy: Someone needs to tell him the faux-hawk look is out. He's pretty good for a white kid trying to sound black, but those last few notes made my ears bleed. Worse than Melanie Griffith even. And what's with the wedding ring --- Mormon? And I'm afraid of his parents with those t-shirts.



Alexis Grace: I'd be more impressed if she were wearing something more than underwear.



Brent Keith: Nice eyes but he won't be back. And he talked back to Simon. No go. Mormon?



Stevie Wright: Oh honey, you seem nice but that was the worst karaoke I've ever heard.



Anoop dog: Trim the eyebrows.



Casey Carlson: I can't decide if she was better or worse than Stevie. And what is with the Loretta Lynn haircut circa 1972?



Michael Sarver: I don't know why wedding rings on these young guys makes me think they're Mormon. Probably because they are. This guy should be one of the football player-singers on "High School Musical." I kind of like him because he's different in a Taylor Hicks kinda way. He could be this season's resident galoot.



Ann Marie Boscovich: THIS is her "own spin" on that song? Forgettable. Pretty girl, though. Ok, tell me Ryan did NOT just put his hand over his crotch to cover up his excitement at her sitting "on the hard part." She totally knew what she was saying - I am not fooled for one second. Good for her. Slut.



Tatiana Del Toro: How appropriate that she'd choose a Whitney song. Lord, this girl is crazier than Tom Cruise in a furniture store.



Danny Gokey: I think this guy may have actually killed his wife so that he could use it on the show. I say this mainly because he looks a little like Robert Downey Jr. I'm not sure I've ever seen a guy tackle Mariah, but Randy must be ready to shit his pants. Paula needs to sit down. On Ann Marie's "hard part."

My Idol Hopes and Dreams

The blind guy has to at least make it to the point where they do a big number with choreography.  Are you telling me you wouldn't tune in to see the kids all criss crossing the stage and his white cane a-flapping to the strains of "I keep workin' my way back to you babe..."?  It'd also be a dream to see him behind the wheel in one of their cheesy Ford commercials.

Also, Norman Gentle for the win please.  Come on America!  Only you can do it! 

My thoughts on the final 36

I'm completely torn. I can't decide who I want off the show first: Dead-Wife-Danny, Titsiana-del-Loco or Hysterical-Headband-Guy (aka My-Mom's-In-Jail).

In early competition, my faves are Nick Mitchell, Ju'not Joyner, Lil Rounds, Stephen Fowler, Anoop Desai, Matt Breitzke, Taylor Vaifanua and Jeanine Vailes. (I fear Taylor may be one of this year's Mormons, though, which would change my vote. And yes, I said Nick Mitchell. That Norman Gentle bit cracks me up every time. It's like someone told him to be a gay Taylor Hicks.)

Oh, and let's add in Ricky Braddy because he might have the worst name for a future star ever. Every time they say his name I start to correct them ("It's pronounced BRAY-dee!"), or get a flash of Talladega Nights.

This year's theme

I've got it! This year, Simon and the gang are looking for the new Winehouse/Feist/Duffy/Adele sound-alike to cash in on the husky voiced soulstress craze. This is going to really annoy me.

And FYI to trampy Mormon girl in the layered wife-beaters:  Just because you had a baby, it does NOT follow that you can now be the American Idol.  If that were true, that chick in California that just birthed eight would totally kick your sorry ass.

It's Mormon Night!

Crazy Horses! It's Mormon night on American Idol, and we start out with an actual singing Osmond. With MS no less! This is going to be good.

Welcome to Utah! The friendliest place on earth! Unless you happen to be gay, in which case we'll marry your dead relatives to each other, but we want nothing to do with you. You better watch your back, Ryan.

Was this the guy that got married on line?

I saw the wedding happen and I could have sworn Season 6's Brandon Rogers was the groom. I was settling in for some back story from Ryan but he just swept right past this. Perhaps I'm wrong, but dude looked just like him. Anyway, I can't confirm this since I clicked "Delete" as soon as I was done watching the show. Also, no one else seems to have picked up on this and I know the producers wouldn't let something like this slide by.

Other than that, thank God last night's show was only an hour. I'm already missing the halcyon days of last week. Of course, after the innauguration, this show was rather anti-climactic, no matter how much fighting Kara and Simon did in an under two-minute montage.

Nerd kid in the closet. I know, I know this is serious.

I have been totally sucked in by the manipulative contestant storytelling. Love the blind guy. Love the tattooed chick with pink hair, and I think that moldy geek from the closet who snarked back at Simon has a bright future, at least until we get towards the final twelve.

And I was so happy to hear the Coldplay song they used. It reinforces my theory that they are talentless hacks whose sell-by date has long since passed. Oh, wait. No. They're alternative and cool. That's why they're letting AI use one of their songs.

And allow me to plug Lisa De Moraes TV column in The Washington Post...her AI summaries always make me laugh.

YAY! It's Idol season!!!!!!

I Kissed A Girl And I Liked It

Ok, the moment she leaned in and kissed Ryan and they played that song, I was hooked. I laughed so hard I think I peed a little bit. What a way to ward off the Arctic Blast! My mood has vastly improved since 7:59 p.m.

I'm hopeful; it looks like they are going to be true to their word to cut back on the weirdo's this season, which is fine. The people who get through are goofy enough.

And good job to new host, Kara. She fits in well and she's got the goods to back up her opinion. And good for Paula for making it work. By the way, the little dance that one girl lead the group in was straight off of "Get Up and Dance!," Paula's aerobic DVD that I've just resumed working out to. That move was the "George Jetson," I believe. Either that or the "Ho Down."

I'm literally out of the closet. Or rather figuratively. Actually, that skinny guy literally came out of the closet. I am figuratively out of the closet. I never sat and watched Idol while in a closet, though I did hide my love for this show, but now I'll say it proudly. He actually sat in the closet to practice singing and came out after the mold made him sick. I love the way they were totally arguing the opposite.

And will I go to hell for saying it will be interesting to watch the blind guy crack? Then I won't say it...

By the way, I'm not bothering to learn/look up contestants' names. Let's see who gets past Hollywood first.

It's the honeymoon phase in Season Eight, so enjoy it while it's fresh! Remember these times when you're in the dumps of week 13.

Bring It ON!

Don't forget: The two-hour premier is this week: Tuesday and Wednesday at 8:00 p.m.



I'm betting that the addition of a new lady judge, Kara DioGuardi, is going to cause our Paula to dig in her purse for pills and her flask, which can only mean one thing: More fun for us!



So, get your favorite product-placement beverage, climb into your skin-tight black tees, and artfully tousel your hair because...THIS. Is Amercian Idol Season 8, dawg!

Ace In The Hole

I'd almost forgotten about this creep but look who's back and greasier than ever!  Broadway will never be the same!

Drama, Drama, Drama!

It looks like there's a new judge in town. Ms. Paula seems a bit grouchy about it. I think it should spice things up. What do you think?

STATLER: Boo!

WALDORF: Boooo!

S: That was the worst thing I’ve ever heard!

W: It was terrible!

S: Horrendous!

W: Well it wasn’t that bad.

S: Oh, yeah?

W: Well, there were parts of it I liked!

S: Well, I liked alot of it.

W: Yeah, it was GOOD actually.

S: It was great!

W: It was wonderful!

S: Yeah, bravo!

W: More!

S: More!

W: More!

S: More!

American Idol Tour - Second Hand News

A guy who rides the train with me takes his kids each year to the Idols Live tour although I know it's really because he wants to see it. His kids are in their early 20s.

This year, he said that the bottom 6 performed a few songs each and then did a group number. When it was Ramiele's turn to sing, her microphone went out mid-song and she just kept singing until someone brought her a new one. That one conked out too and people started to boo and she just walked off stage.

There was an intermission, I'm not sure why that would be.

The top 6 did their bits, Brooke did her 'set' in bare feet. Everyone sang well but when Syesha was finished, she said "I'd like to thank you all for coming to my show".

Bla bla bla, the Davids were good bla bla bla.

That is all.

VINDICATION!

This is an American Idol first: an early CP-supported candidate wins the title! And this despite the judges' lame attempt to hand Archuleta the prize on a silver platter with their scathing comments on the finals show. Shows what they know.

Although I may have to agree with Beckeye here: the producers weren't about to let another Daughtry slip away and escape the greedy clutches of Clive Davis. They may have rigged it to have Cook-boy win, and only told the judges to say the things they said to make Little Archie feel better, or at least to help him avert a beating (off) from his father.

But we'll have none of that negativity and speculation tonight here at American Idolatry, Gentle Readers. For tonight we drink a toast to the guy who deserved to win it from the start: David Cook. Tonight David took the prize for Chris, for Elliott, and especially for Melinder.

Bravo.

David Cook, here's your ass on a platter

Was it the American Idol final or a David Archuleta blow-job session? "Gee David Cook, it sure was swell of you to show up tonight! Now get down on your knees and blow Little Archie. DO IT!"

The judges may as well have just said that. Jezus.

Spoiler Alert!!!

I Predict the Winner of AI 7 Will Be...

highlight the text below to find out

A Guy Named "David".

You're welcome.

A-Meh-Rican Idol

I could care less who wins...but I don't want to waste my time. Did you know, for Mother's Day, I got an i-Tunes gift card? I went straight to the AI stuff to download my favorite appearances. It was sort of a zen/ouija board experience. I scanned the offerings and clicked the ones I liked best. Here's what I got:

• Over the Rainbow, Jason Castro
• Daydream, Jason Castro
• Halleluia, Jason Castro
• Jail House Rock, Danny Noriega

Do you spot the trend? I guess I did have a favorite after all, but he was so under the radar, I didn't even realize it myself. Sigh. I've never been so underwhelmed by Americian Idol. I couldn't even get excited about the obvious superiority of David Cook. He's such a smug bastard with an alien dome; I just don't like him. David A is out of his league and we've already talked about She Who Must Not Be Named.

Let's hope for a total shake-up of this show for season 8. Please.

Can We Talk?

Syesha is so full of shit. She somehow sold herself on the idea that the civil rights movement somehow paralleles her "Journey" on American Idol. How the fuck does the fight against centuries of oppression compare to singing 3rd rate pop songs (tonight's song excepted of course) to three opinionated bitches who don't pull punches? I'm telling you, Sam Cooke is spinning in his grave right now.

I don't believe her for a second. I think she concocted this parallel so that she could seem deep and soulful instead of shallow and soulless. But as always with this girl, she misses the mark by a country mile. It's like watching a robot randomly select artistic flourishes to create a mood she thinks we will be moved by. It's a series of macros designed to tug our heartstrings. Sure, she can sing. She's got technique up the wazoo. But she just doesn't understand. I'm totally with Randy and his bitchy retorts about her performance.

I'm so upset right now by her crocodile tears and her manhandling of a sacred protest song. You know, every since Danny Noriega left the show, I've been looking for somebody to love, somebody to move me. But every week, I come up snake eyes. No one has stepped up and left their soul on the stage. Syesha thought she did. She went through the motions, but she was just a facsimile...a painting of a shadow of the real thing.

On behalf of the living, I would like to apologize to Sam Cooke for this disaster of manipulation and lies. Let's hope America isn't buying her line of crap.

Vote For The Best!

Please tell me that you won't vote off the best contestant ever America! Her performance last night made up most of the rest of that wasted hour.




In sadder news, are we never to see Brooke cry again? We'll always have the pout! Here she is with a few other ghosts of Idol past.