The Next American Idol Single

I'm psyched for American Idol to start and if they run the songwriting contest again, I believe I have a winner for the winner. Picture a teary-eyed/sweaty youth singing this baby:

My future was uncertain,
Too many things in my way
I didn’t dare to dream for fear
Of scaring my dreams away

But now the light shines down on me
And I can find the way to go
Love has made me see
That I can have forever today

[Chorus]
Forever today
We’ll chase our dreams together
Our fears no longer matter
Nothing stands in our way
Forever today

Every sunset, every dawn
And the moments in between
Stretch out before my eyes
Better than any dream

Take my hand and walk with me
See all the beauty on the way
Of dreams come true
Forever today

[Chorus x2] and fade out


By the way, if anyone wants to write the music, I'd appreciate it. Make sure it's sweeping, grand, full of strings and chimes and that it has lots of room for glory notes.

Boxing

This is great. Jordin is blowing it out of her box and Blake is beating his.

Now THIS is television.

Favourite Moments

What a long, boring finale for American Idol.

My favourite parts were tuning in to Larry King to hear him croak on a little about Rosie and Elizabeth's clawing match on The View and seeing all those little African kids sing. Who knew there were enough Jolie Pitt kids to form a choir already?

It was also fun watching Bette Midler lose the will to actually entertain.

Zzzzzz.

I missed it...

Please tell me Jordin did a better job than Blake. Please tell me Jordin will win the competition.

Will she or won't she

I don't even know if I'll watch the show tonight. I have dinner plans with a friend, and to be honest, I'd rather spend time with her than watching Blake or Jordin sing.

If I make it home in time I'll tune in for it. If not... oh, well.

Death Cheater

Did her dress jinx her? What is with that....

WE BE F**KED!

I think that says it all.

I've done my tour in Hell. That's all for me, I'm outta here!!

I will keep reading the blog though as I find it witty. So watch your frickin' mouths. :):):)

Thanks kids, it's been real

I love this girl. Neck or no neck.

The only saving grace to saying "goodbye" to Melinda is that I don't have to rush home to watch the rest of this drivel. Because that's exactly what it will be, this choice between the prom queen and the Tourette's boy. Drivel.

The only worse voting error I've seen in recent American history would have to be all of our recent presidential elections.

I could go on and on about how disgusted I am that the most talented singer ever to grace the American Idol stage was voted off tonight; but that would take too long. Poor George summed it all up quite nicely with the following words:

"America couldn't care less about talent. They just want young cunt slits."

Bravo, Poor George. Bravo.

Two and a Half Men

Put these three contestants together and that's about what you've got.

If you're going to try and take me to the Nutbush City Limits Melinda, you really need someone to slap you around a little backstage first to sell it. Congrats on almost convincing America you're a W-O-M-A-N too. Those hair extensions pretty much covered up your Adam's Apple. The best part of the night was nobody mentioning she flubbed the entire second line to that song.

Blake should move back to Avenue Q where he belongs although I have to admit, he almost blew This Love right outta Jordin's box. She worked about as hard for the money as Paula did on that lame ass joke. I Who Have Nothing was excellent again though.

True facts as discovered on The Tonight Show last night:

Blake is from the Seattle area but has never had a cup of coffee.
Melinda was a costumed mascot in high school and college.
Jordin is 17.

Did anyone see Molly Shannon on SNL last week? She opened the show as Mary Catherine Gallagher on American Idol.

Three each

Jees-oh-pete... we have to listen to three different songs tonight. I pray to all that is holy Blake doesn't beat box through each one of his.

First, the judges pick their songs... then the producers (HUH?!) pick one... then they pick their own. Hmmm... this should be interesting.

Judges Choice

Jordin: Simon's pick? Wishing on a Star - does she even know that song? It is SOOO old! Yawn. The end was OK and her voice was great, but I was bored. I didn't see any personality. What do the judges think? How can Randy say she brought the heat? It. was. dull!!!!!!!!!! Ah-hah! She had NEVER heard the song before! I knew it!

Blake: Paula's pick? Roxanne - I can't stand the Police so I'm already not going to like this... At least he didn't beat box. THANK GOD! He needs to shut his mouth after he finishes a note. He looks like a fish out of water. I have to admit it was a decent performance... better than Jordin's! (Did I really just type that shit?) I agree with Simon that he was trying to imitate Sting - and he failed.

Melinda: Randy's pick? I Believe in You and Me - why did he pick Whitney? She is SOOO overdone... and did I just hear her say "Thank you, Randy Johnson?" instead of Jackson? Or was the mayor's name Johnson? I was too busy trying to figure out why she's singing Whitney. I don't like ballads - or Whitney for that matter - but Melinda did a great job. Her voice cracked a little bit, and she was pitchy in some spots, but over all she sounded great. She's a pro.

Winner of round one? Melinda (HA! The judges - or at least Simon - agreed!)

Producer Choice

Jordin: She Works Hard for the Money - why do they keep giving her the songs that are older than she is?! This is such a freakin' cheesy song... how can she make it sound fresh and new? SHE CAN'T!!!!!! (Once again -- this is a song on my Richard Simmon's tapes) Sounded like a cruise ship performance. I liked it, but it wasn't my favorite. I want to hear something more her age.

Blake: This Love -- Maroon 5 is good choice for him. Glub, glub, glub... fish boy. I am over the beat boxing... over. it. You could tell he was in his element, but I thought it was boring. Glub.

Melinda: Nutbush City Limits - LOVE Tina Turner! Let's see how she does with a rockin' song... she had me at the first note. Great choice for her! I love when she does the "growl" in her voice.

Round two: Melinda

Their Choice

Jordin: I Who Have Nothing - That was her moment. Brilliant performance. She proved she has the power to win this competition. That girl will. be. a. star.

Blake: When I Get You Alone - OMG -- I can't stand Robin Thicke either. This may be painful. I want him to quit dancing. You know what? I want him to quit dancing, beat boxing, singing, performing, and showing up for these performances. I want him to go home. He is no match for Jordin or Melinda... not even in the same league.

Melinda: I'm a Woman - I liked it. That is her kind of song. She can really put on a performance with that kind of song. That was fun! She just plain ol' rocks.

I'm afraid the young vote will go to Blake and Jordin; that will put Melinda out. I hope it doesn't happen. The final two should be Melinda and Jordin -- with Melinda taking it all.

Realistically though? It will more than likely be Jordin. And that sucks.

We're The Kids In America

Last night the kids were on Leno, a show I generally ignore except for the last few minutes I tape for the musical guest before Conan shows up to save the day.

I happened to watch last night as I'd read the kids were going to be on.

Blake said he's never had a cup of coffee even though he's from Seattle, Jordin and Melinda said they both voted for Sanjaya while Blake chose not to answer the question and it was all just scintillating nose scrunching goodness.

They had poor Taylor Hicks out in the parking lot giving a 'concert'. Do I Make You Proud indeed.

Jordin & Melinda - Who's gonna be the first ho down?

Oh, the SUSPENSE!

Who will win???? After enduring week after week of this, it's finally almost over. HOORAY!

I have decided to throw down for Jordin.

She's an Amazon, and I prefer giants to midgets. She has a neck. I prefer her teenage chirpy perkiness to the aw-shucks-they-like-me perkiness of Melinda. She has huge hair. Her voice is not as good as Melinda's, but she's still good. She's young and impressionable and has potential for a seriously messed up fast-lane lifestyle that, after years of diet pills and booze and heroin (and then recovery,) will make for a great made-for-TV-movie. If you put all past American Idols in a wrestling match to see who reigns supreme, she'd win hands down. She'd be a great spokesperson for tampons, giving her a second income stream. If she were on Leno or Letterman, she wouldn't sit there in wide-eyed wonder at everything, but would likely talk on and on about herself. And she's shiny.

Melinda is very talented, and if this were a talent competition she should win. It's not. It's American Idol. They're looking for a marketing juggernaut. And Melinda is very, very dull. Unless she comes out during the final and dedicates a lovesong to her female lover, in which case America's love affair with personable lesbians will create a complete circus and give us something interesting to watch for sordid details. Otherwise she should be relegated to guest appearances on celebrity Christmas Specials. She'd be great singing Sleighride in a "snowball fight" with the kiddies on a Very Osmond Christmas.

Blake, well, Blake is a cartoon character. He has potential for a hit or two, but no long-term appeal. Who would want to see him on Extra or ET? No one. That's who. He would not be a compelling Gap model. His beat boxing sounds like stuttering. I hate stststuttering. Go away, Blake.

You've got to be kidding me

What the hell is Bill Maher doing in the American Idol audience? I mean seriously. What the Hell?

Die or Bust

Blake Lewis is noisier than a badly made Ukranian vibrator. I want him dead. Will the gods, or just one God (preferably the white one) please rain a hail of death upon this lipless fag's head?

LaKisha leaving last night was a low point for me. I love fat, black singers. I still can't listen to Luther Vandross without crying into my pudding. But if anyone deserved the dubious award of IDOL, it was this single mother. She's so low-rent, you just know she's going back to Michigan to polish some flint.

Melinda is a flat-nosed cabaret act and Jordin Sparks is still a nose-scrunching cunt. The fact that she's from a normal family makes me hate her more than I hate Blake and his stuttering songs. He slaughtered "You Should Be Dancing." Barry Gibb should be ashamed of himself for condoning such bargain basement artistry.

I had half the episode on mute. Me love the Bee Gees, especially the dead alcoholic one.

Tears have been shed now

I am so glad Melinda is still in the game.

Call me retarded, but I started tearing up when Lakisha got the boot. Although I don't even like her singing all that much, she still deserves to be up there. I felt really bad for her, and hope she has a great career ahead of her.

Blake really deserved to leave last night. And Jordin wasn't far behind.

Go Melinda!!!!!

He was hung like one, but I couldn't get past the teeth

Oh my GOD!!! I just watched, in horror, as Barry Gibb attempted to recapture his youth by trying ( in vain) to recreate the infamous Bee Gee falsetto voice. What is up with those horrid false teeth??? This is the same man who used to make me positively swoon? Painful, pathetic and sad are just a few adjectives that come to mind. As Simon is wont to say, "It was positively dreadful, like a really bad karaoke singer." Barry, wake up and smell the Efferdent. Sometimes, ya just CAN'T go home again.

Nurse Ratchet

Glib About Gibb

One of the Gibb brothers (I think it was the dead one) gave the kids some advice tonight with his Sean Connery/Liza Minnelli bridge work and wow did things sizzle, as long as you happened to be 80 or in the audience.

I'm not sure why they dissed Lakisha so for Stayin' Alive, I thought it was the best thing going on an incredibly boring show.

Outside of the original version, I love N Trance's take on it. Get raw with the fever on the dance floor: Stayin Alive.mp3

Please...

can someone slather Barry Gibb's lips with chapstick/blistix/carmex/vaseline/olive oil, anything!

those thin gray lips grossed me out!

How deep is your love?

And then there were four... three ladies and a guy.

Tonight being coached by Barry Gibb... call me a nerd, but I love him. I love the Bee Gees! I have their greatest hits in my car. I listen to it A Lot. Yep. A nerd.

He talks like the Geico caveman though.

I'm looking forward to tonight - even though they are singing two songs a piece...

Melinda: Love You Inside and Out - Different vocal range for her... I like it! She is so awesome. I'm not sure it was her best, but she still did a great job.

Blake: You Should Be Dancing - I hear this song and envision John Travolta doing his pelvis thrusts on a pulsating dance floor... I hope I don't see that with Blake. Now he has white streaks in his hair... jeeeeesus.... He sounds like his balls are in a vice. And yes... he does look like Robin Williams. NOOOOOOOOOO! More beat boxing. I'm tired. of. it. That sucked. Just not for me. Once again -- I'm a purist. I'm SO glad Randy said the beatbox didn't work! YAY! Finally! I don't think he's going home though. Chris' votes are going to go to him... it's the whole "cute young guy" thing.

LaKisha: Stayin' Alive - My least favorite BeeGee song... so cliche for them. I was hoping that it would be avoided all together, but... oh well. She didn't hit the high notes like Barry recommended... why? Did she not like the professional's opinion? Is she too good for that? I didn't like it... I was bored. Maybe it's the song. But I don't think so. I think she may be the next to go.

Jordin: To Love Somebody - Does she even know who Barry Gibb is? Has she ever even heard of the BeeGees? Last week she told Jon Bon Jovi that he was her MOM'S favorite and that was how she had heard of him! I wonder what she would say to Barry! She will definitely be in the final two. I could listen to that version of the song over and over again. I haven't gotten a lot of chills this season, but that gave them to me. That was AMAZING.

Second songs

Melinda: How Can You Mend a Broken Heart - I was bored with this one... UNTIL the end. I didn't like the beginning, but the end was star quality. I love her. Period.

Blake: This is Where I Came In - Yuck. Go Away. Please. At least STOP with the beat boxing and freakin' SING!

LaKisha: Run To Me - zzzzzzzz.... oh! (wiping drool from my bottom lip) I'm supposed to be watching LaKisha sing on American Id..zzzzzzz....

Jordin: Woman In Love - Started off a little rocky. Babs is hard to duplicate - and I don't think it has been done before on AI. Has it? She sounded good once she got started, but there were some pitchy spots. It is a perfect song for her range, but she didn't really pull it off. No chills.

After tonight I still think the final two will be Melinda and Jordin. Blake is going to get Chris', and possibly Phil's, votes. Jordin and Melinda have loyal fans (like me) that will vote their hearts out. I think LaKisha has slipped the past few weeks and really can't hold a candle to the other three.

I know... I know... that means I'm saying Blake is better. Don't get me wrong. I can't STAND the guy. I think he is only in it now because of his looks and his so-called originality. It may take him to the top three but he won't win it.

The next to go home? Should be Blake, but buh-bye, LaKisha.

Why?

Can someone please tell me why this Robin Thicke dude is so popular? He sings like someone is squeezing his balls... and the song just, basically, sucks.

Dead or Alive?

Quite a night! Jon Bon Jovi rocks the soccer mom highlights like no other!

It was fun seeing return of the Phil and the Phil's sweaty chemo head - excellent work man. I need you to keep sucking up for the squirm inducing goodness.

Lakisha was the best she's been since her big Jennifer Hudson barnburner way back. And she looked great, even when she squatted for the big note!

I was prepared to hate it but I couldn't, Blake, you beatoffboxed your way to brilliance. Taking a song with such an indelible sound and changing it up could have been disaster but I ate that shit up.

--------Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, we're halfway there----------

Now. Jordin, you were great on the chorus but nowhere else. My Paula moment: You looked pretty! But whose idea was it to put your big Amazon self in between those guitarists from the shire?

That was not Tina Turneresque, that was Melinda Doolittlelike. Not bad but not great. Tonight, you were no Lakisha.

Chris, you fell off the horse in your interview question, all through that song and with the look on your face when Simon opened his mouth. Bye bye baby bye bye.


My favourite part of any show is when Randy says 'you blew it out the box'. Keep saying that forever Randy, I love the imagery.

My kind of night... Let's ROCK!

Can I tell you how much I LOVE Bon Jovi? They were one of my first favorite hair bands. I actually saw them open for Ratt -- before they were infamous. Oh the nights I've spent listening to their songs, drinking with my friends and chilling. They just flat out rock.

I'm just going to make a blanket statement... I LOVE this song... I would wind up saying that for all the songs we hear tonight.

Let's see what happens...

Phil: Blaze of Glory -- WOW! That has to be his best performance ever. He's no Chris Daughtery or Jon Bon Jovi for that matter, but he did great! I even liked the get up he had on. He hung up the muppet look for the night.

Jordin: Livin' on a Prayer -- Not her best. I think she picked something too big for her. Shakey at the beginning but she did a great job with the chorus. I didn't like the Diana Ross hair either. Probably her weakest performance in a while. She's probably safe... but it may put her in the bottom.

LaKisha: This Ain't a Love Song -- Not a "known" song, so it sounded original. She sounded great. It was a good choice for her. She could release that one and it would be at the top of the charts. She looked freakin' ANGRY. But it was a great performance. She's safe.

Blake: You Give Love a Bad Name -- God I hope he doesn't beat box to this song! And what's up with the dark hair? I understand wanting to be original and wanting to make it your own -- BUT -- don't ruin it by spitting in the microphone. I agree with Jon... this is a singing competition... not beat box. I KNOW that is what he is all about, but come on! When he sang, he sang well -- I just can't stand the other stuff he did. The judges loved it... I didn't. I guess I'm a purist and very protective of the songs I love.

Chris: Wanted Dead or Alive -- Such a tough song. He doesn't have the gravelly sound you need for this song. I don't see Chris driving a Harley and being a bad guy... he's more of a souped up, rice burner type of kid... know what I mean? I didn't like it. He needs to be the next to go. I agree with Simon - he did the best he could possibly do.

Melinda: Have a Nice Day -- For someone that isn't a rocker she did a great job. You can tell she wasn't too comfortable with it, but I think she was awesome! LaKisha beat her in this round, but she will still be safe.

Loved tonight!

Bottom two? Chris and Blake.... Buh bye, Chris.

Share The Love

Because it's early days in my relationship with Beckeye and I don't want to step out on her, I'm going to test the waters by asking if she's into a threeway with Chancelucky. As long as the dogs don't get to watch, I'm good to go. What?! I'm talking about a blog reading party.

Chancelucky wrote his thoughts on Idol Cares in a brilliant piece that you can find here. He's a consistently thoughtful and artful writer and that's about all you need to know isn't it?

Pop Goes The Eye

I hereby officially and openly declare my love of Beckeye at The Pop Eye for her excellent summation of last night's proceedings on Idol Gives Back.

Imagine

Imagine Melinda the winner.

Jordin's rendition of 'You'll Never Walk Alone" brought a tear. I think she is an old soul, how else can she have that much feeling and be 17?

I'm glad I have closed captioning because I could not understand a word LaKisha was singing last night.

Blake, Phil and Chris were just bad. Enough said.

I am glad at least some of the money will go for something good. The judges certainly do not deserve the millions they are probably getting for this gig. Randy gushing over Chris was just plain bad. And can Paula ever sit up straight in her chair. I may not agree with all of Simon's critiques but at least he sits up and looks the contestant in the eye. I still think he is a jerk much of the time.

Blake

Is it me or does anyone else think Blake Lewis looks like Robin Williams....

Careless Whisper

I'm glad it's the phone calls that are raising the money and not the performances.

It was a veritable suckfest with the exception of Chris who learned how not to choose nasally as a style choice and Melinda who's the easy pro of the bunch.

Imagine we could see your teeth when you sing instead of just your Muppet nose Blake. Everyone else was a little Randy Jackson in places tonight.

It was nice to see another side of Simon though, the side that's not afraid to wear the puffy shirt from his Seinfeld box set.

I don't know if I can sit through this...

... but I'm going to try. I think I'm just bored with this year and am ready for it to be over. This is prolonging the agony.

Wow... Simon almost in tears. I never thought I would see that!

Songs that inspire... ***heavy sigh***

Chris: Pitchy at the beginning. At least he's not nasally... Nice ending - as Paula would say "he made it his own".

Melinda: She gives me chills and is, truly, the only reason I keep on watching this year. I'm not crazy about the song choice, but she did a great job (even if at one point I felt like she was yelling). I still love her and think she's a star.

Blake: Imagine is one of my all time favorite songs and I wanted to hate it, but Blake did a good job. He did it respectfully and beautifully. I'm not a huge Blake fan, but I enjoyed it. It wasn't a show stopper. It was nice.

LaKisha: It started off a little shaky, but she held it together. Great job. I even got a few chills. I don't understand what Paula was saying... don't do Fantasia? Comparing Fantasia to Celine, Mariah, and Chaka Khan? I don' think so!

Phil: Nice voice, but boring performance. Is this show not over yet?

Jordin: Fantastic. What more can I say? The best of all six seasons? I wouldn't go that far. Maybe the best of the night, but NOT for six seasons.

I'm inspired to dance when I hear certain songs... I'm inspired to call friends with when I hear songs that remind me of them. Not all inspiring songs are sad, sappy, or slow. I understand the message that AI is trying to convey, but tonight was kind of, I don't know, sad. Depressing. Heartwrenching. Am I wrong? I was depressed tonight, but it was SO nice watching the show without cringing or wishing I was watching something else.

Praise the heavens that Sanjaya is GONE! Now if only his 15 minutes were completely up... and I didn't have to see him on the talk shows. Go AWAY!

Bottom Three: Phil, LaKisha, and Chris.

Buh-bye, Phil.

Fergie is a whore

Get those lady lumps off the damn stage, freak.

Art Garfunkel is Certifiable

On the UK version of AI, they've edited out Simon's eyeroll, and Cat Deeley is sitting with Art Garfunkel critiquing the show. Art's favourites? Although he is a self-confessed "Fanjaya" and thinks that Sangaya has true star quality, he also loves the "texture" Chris's nasally warbling adds to his voice, and thinks Phil is a supertalent.

Art, people already think curly hair is an indication of crazy. Please shut the hell up.

Who is the Worst Now?

Vote For The Worst now endorses Phil Stacey.

I know they're spoiled for choice, but frankly I think they should have gone another way. Don't get me wrong, it's fun to call him NosPhilratu, and my skin goes cold when he walks on the stage, but his vocals have gotten a lot better. Never having been abducted by aliens myself, I actually don't mind that much when he turns his glowing head towards the camera and points with that other worldly stare. If he used a little Dove Summer Glow and grew out that head stubble a little he wouldn't be nearly as upsetting.

Chris, on the other hand, has no facial expression, sings with a ridiculously nasal voice, and has too many tiny teeth in his head. I think maybe he comes from a long line of flossers and so the Richardsons have replaced 32 normal size teeth with 64 teeny tiny ones for extra flossing fun. And all that flossing makes them kind of pointy, so I worry that some day he's going to accidentally penetrate the mic screen and electrocute himself mid performance. Which might be a reason to keep him, actually.

Which brings us to Blake. Who is probably the cutest of the three remaining guys, but whose annoying perkiness and beat boxing wore me out before we even got to the finals. What a prat. And then there's also the part about how he seems to get more tonedeaf each week and looks stoned most of the time. The only thing that could convince me to let him stay is to promise me that next week he'll perform as the mole in a moster Whack A Mole game with a giant hammer coming down from the sky as he does that bouncy little hip hop dance he's so fond of.

I would not put any of the girls up yet. I have a soft spot for Jordin because she's got some talent even if she does smile a bit more than I generally allow. Melinda actually looks like she has a neck on country western night, and her performances are always dead on so I'm happy to see her stay around. (Confidential to CP...did you see the interview where Melinda says she listens to Kirk Franklin every day because she "needs to get her Jesus on?" Lakisha is listening to Yolanda Adams and left it at that. Both are innovative gospel artists fusing R&B and hip hop with traditional gospel music. Yolanda has been divorced twice, Kirk just went on Oprah with his wife to talk about how God helped him kick his sinful porn addiction. Are you SURE you love Mandisa Melinda? Be careful before you commit.)

And Lakisha. She is a chubby mess whose skirt is always slightly uneven getting caught on those lardy hips, and her boobs are so big I doubt she's seen her feet in years and she looks like she leaves a bit of clutter behind her wherever she goes. Rock on, my SISTAH! Lakisha Jones, the NEXT AMERICAN IDOL.

Happy Days Are Here Again

He's gone. Need I say more?

Drinks are on the house!!

Who's next...

... on the shit list?

Blake? Chris? Phil?

Notice none of the ladies are there? The only one slipping enough to go home is LaKisha and I still can't bring myself to bash her. YET.

I might enjoy the show again.

Thank GOD he's gone.

It's Official

Sangina can now concentrate on his hair full time.

Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue

I like Martina McBride. She has a beautiful voice but tunes always bring a tear.

When Sanyuck looks in the mirror does he really say "OOH cool hair." Has he no shame? Will he allow anything to be done to him. Was he channeling a washer woman? Off, off, off!! VOTE HIM OFF NOW!!! Glad Randy & Simon said it like I thought it. Can Paula even tell the truth?

Jordin & LaKisha were very good. LaKisha should not wear those boots but this is not a fashion contest. If by some travesty of justice Melinda does not win then I hope the winner will be Jordin.

Phil, Blake & Chris were so-so. Chris voice is more suited to country. Still don't care for any of them. At least Phil didn't wear one of his ugly hats. Blake should not wear argyle when singing country.

So what if Melinda has no neck. Get over it. She has a beautiful voice. Does anyone else think she wears a wig? I like her innocence but if she wins & I am hoping she does, she will soon lose it in La-La Land. Too bad. She is the winner, hands down.

Countdown

Phil Stacey was good. Someone must have told him black is slimming. Sanjaya sucked especially hard tonight. I guess the gag reflex is finally letting up.

Jordin didn't suck, though I was doing dishes during her song and was distracted by remnants of our bean & ham soup. (Delicious!)

Lakisha had some funky ass boots and tried to scream that Jesus song. Slipping.

Chris sounded like an amateur. Getting a bit late for that in this contest. It sounded like dueling banjos between him & that violin. Simon is going to rip him a new ass. Overall, Chris is utterly forgettable. I even forgot his name before writing this paragraph.

I'm beginning to see what y'all mean about Melinda not having a neck. It's like her head is planted directly onto her shoulders. But no matter. Melinda will be the first neckless American Idol. Love my baby.

Blake: sucked ass tonight. I cannot believe not one judge mentioned that he was NOWHERE near the pitch during the high singer part. Horrible.

Done.

Country night

I love country music so I'm hoping I will enjoy tonight. I think Martina McBride is gorgeous... I just hope she is honest with the contestants.

Here we go!

Phil: It sounded pretty good, but not a lot of umph in his moves... I would rather see some dancing or movement instead of walking around the audience. That was one of his best performances though. A lot better than the last few weeks.

Jordin: Martina is HARD to sing... After that performance Melinda better watch out! That was amazing! Amazing. I don't care what your age is, if you sing like that you deserve to be a star.

Sanjaya: Tonight is the doo-rag look. My hubby says he looks like Chaka Khan on crack... I think he looks worse. Like Justin Guarini in "To Kelly From Justin". Yeah that bad. But not as bad as this song; or the scrunched up, constipated look on his face when he sings. He just sucks and how dare he try to do Bonnie? She should kick. his. ass. That was AWFUL!

LaKisha: Good song for her. Shows her vocals, emotions, and connection to the lyrics. I thought she was slipping last week, and she may still be on the downhill slide. She didn't hold that all important note; she also sounded a little garbled... but I think she did a fine job, but she's done better.

Chris: Now -- I am a HUGE Rascall Flatts fan. HUGE. He needs to stop RIGHT now. He has the nasally vocals of Gary, but he can't hold a candle. Very pitchy. The chorus sounding OK... I can give him that, but the rest of it was bad. Bottom two.

Melinda: Do I need to say anything? I think you will all know what I have to say. Fantastic, fabulous, wonderful, marvelous... I have nothing more. Give her the title. Period. I was glad to see Simon tell her to lose the "surprise" look all the time. That is her only issue. She needs to realize she is a champion and stop looking so shocked when people tell her so.

Blake: Sounded a little pitchy. Not his best performance. May be in trouble.

My hubby's picks for the bottom two: Chris and LaKisha. I say ditto....

I REALLY want Sanjaya to go home, but I have a feeling he won't. He will stay until Phil and Chris are gone... at least.

This is not a joke...

Guess who the Maxim Online Girl of the Day is?

Click here to find out!

Malakar Cocktail

It was tough but I did it! I didn't check this blog until I got home from vacation to see who'd sung what, who'd gotten the boot and who'd be at least as horrifying as Don Imus in their description of their unbridled love of Sanjaya!

Why won't everyone just admit that with the Lee Press On stubble, he looked at least as virile as Marc Anthony?

Is Simon's promise to leave the show as serious a pronouncement as the one UB40 made years ago when Margaret Thatcher was up for re-election? They recorded a song called If It Happens Again, I'm Leaving. She was re-elected and they stayed put.

The whole night I felt like I was watching a Jerry Lewis MDA telethon from the 1980's. All the performances made me feel that way.

Melinda was great. Lakisha is starting to slip. Blake was not as great as everyone said. Chris was pretty good once he got comfortable with it. I prefer Phil with a hat, but I still want him gone... but not before Sanjaya.

Not sad to see Haley go. I think she would have had to wear a thong next week, and I'm not sure her ass could compete with her legs.

Sanjaya sang "Beseme Mucho" (or however it's spelled, I'm too lazy to look it up, and really don't care that much). That song just reminds me of one of the Naked Gun movies.

J-Lo has very nice posture, and made me think about my own horrible posture all night.

Hey, Hey, That's My Vagina

Who else thinks the judge's Tuesday-night-kindness towards Sangina was an attempt to reverse psychologize all those Vote-for-the-Worst supporters? It's not going to work. I think that gay little rat will be in the final two. And he knows it. I hate smug foreigners.

Please explain

Remember how much the guys sucked when it was girls one night, guys the other? Remember how they were completely tone deaf and practically unwatchable?

So why the FUCK are there four of them and only three women left in the competition???

Or does Sangaya count as a girl?

How did we end up here?

Remember the first posts this season, when we were all complaining about how bad the guys sucked and that a lot of the gals were great? Well now we have 4 guys and only 3 gals, folks. Democracy seems to working about as well at American Idol as it did during the 2000 presidential "elections." I'm beginning to smell a rat. Or was that just Sangaya forgetting to wash his hair?

(Bad joke. No gay man would ever let his hair get that dirty.)

Speaking of Sangaya, I liked his little remark about having some sort of private meeting with J-Lo, and not telling Marc Anthony about it. What is he proposing to do with her, swap makeup secrets?

My beloved Melinda is still safe, which is really all I care about at this point. I'm thinking I'd like to see her go head to head with Blake and then kick him in the pants. I don't think Blake is a singer at all, but I do kinda like the kid. Not even sure why. He's not even cute, really. Just something about him. Maybe it's that bukake film we saw him in last week.

Love,
CP

Hell to the No

Phil Stacey makes my vagina clamp like Shylock's fabled fist, so I was really sorry to see Haley go. But she's a whore with nice legs and will probably earn a nice living blowing rich Mexicans back in Texas.

And Jennifer Lopez's punctuational laughter is fucking annoying. I can't wait until she dies in some kind of jet wreck.

Breaking News

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad


" I will not return the British soldiers until America votes Sanjaya off IDOL."

I Like the Latin Beat

Well there was more energy last night than any other night.

Blake did well. Surprising to me. Can't stand those hats Phil wears.

Sanjaya, the mustache and chin fuzz does not a man make. At first I thought it was drawn on. Of course JLo likes Sany, he is small in stature like her hubby.

Haley knows where to apply her "talents". Shorts & push up bras, unfortunately I agreed with Simon on this.

That said...

Mindy is right on (boy that dates me) about Melinda, LaKisha & Jordin. Melinda was super and a perfect song and I still think she should win but it will be a difficult choice among the three. They did indeed kick ass.

Simon is the same ass he always is. Paula is back to gushing. Randy is just along for the ride.

Valerie's View - April 10, 2007

Random thoughts on tonight's episode:

JLo seemed pretty down to earth. I'm not a big JLo fan, don't love her, don't hate her (her husband is Skeletor, but that's another story)...her forehead looked grayish though. I don't know what was up with her make-up. Normally, she looks really polished and put together, but that grayish forehead was bugging me all night long.

Who was that guy with Sanjaya's sister? Was that her boyfriend, because he looked familiar enough that he might be someone kind of famous? Was he someone that was at Hollywood Week? That English guy that sang with Chris Sligh's group? Can't remember his name. Maybe that's not even him...

Sanjaya was really working the cameraman tonight.

Jordin makes Ryan Seacrest look smaller and smaller each week. I don't think that Jordin is that big of a girl, I think that Ryan is that small!

Chris Sligh has his blog back up and it's a fairly interesting read.

I almost missed it!

Our power has been out for the last two hours... it seems some dipshit hit a power pole and a fire hydrant but kept on going...

I almost missed tonight's Latin performance with guest ho --er-- mentor, J-Lo. I can't wait to see how Sanjaya does singing Ricky Martin! (I'm kidding... I don't know what he'll decide to screw up this week) I only hope Miss Big Booty is honest with everyone... and that they take her advice.

Mickey Dolenz is in da house! Loved him in the Monkees! Anyhoo...

Here we go!

Melinda: Love her. Don't have anything else to say. Everyone else needs to just pack up and go home. I love the way she doesn't "pimp" her number, too. She is such a professional!

LaKisha: I can't listen to this song without thinking of one of my Richard Simmon's exercise tapes (It's OK... go ahead and laugh. I rocked RS back in my heavier days. His tapes are a blast to workout to.... I'm totally serious!). You can't do this song without sounding karaoke... and that is what it sounded like to me. Not one of my favorites for her. I know she showed personality and danced around, but I didn't think she sounded that great. For once I agree with Paula! She was "safe".

Chris: It started too low for him and he was off pitch a lot of the song. Bottom three for sure -- unless the Gina contingent moves their votes to him. I don't know if I heard the same song the judges heard. I don't agree with Simon that it was better than Melinda, though. Nope.

Hayley: OMG - another song from one of my Richard Simmons tapes! Holy crap. I need to do some aerobics. I swear her outfits get SHORTER every week... am I the only one that sees that? (Nope Simon noticed) I couldn't understand a word she sang... totally a cruise ship performance. I wish I had her legs though. Bottom three.

Phil: That sounded pretty good! I'm not a huge Phil phan, but that was the best I've heard from him in a long time. His voice cracked a couple of times, but I can overlook that. His look still creeps me out, though. He's a Muppet.

Jordin: I'm afraid she is the one person that could possibly take this from Melinda. I heard a theory that the Melinda/LaKisha vote could cancel each other out leaving the door wide open for someone else. That would be Jordin. She was fantastic and really put a nice twist on a song that is easily a "cruise ship performance" trap. She is SOOOOO safe.

Blake: What's with the Thurston Howell/Gilligan look tonight? I liked the song -- didn't love it -- but I was distracted by his silly foot moves. The girls love him, don't they? I think he's cute, but I don't see him taking it from the three ladies.

Sanjaya: OK -- he needs to shave the piddly hair from his chin. That's disturbing! Another hair change... he is SUCH a girly boy! He's not dancing around this week, so that isn't distracting. The wink gave me a cringe. Dare I say it? It wasn't too bad! Oh, N.V., I'm bracing for the onslaught... He sounded better than Hayley and Phil! Admitting that makes my stomach hurts! Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.

I wasn't too bored this week. They were fun performances.

Bottom three: Hayley, Phil and - hopefully - Sanjaya. I think it will be Chris, though. J-Lo said she likes Sanjaya so he'll stay another week on that comment alone.

Topline observations

Haley is apparently naked AND illiterate.

I bet Blake's show choir won top honours at state.

Please start wearing sunglasses, Phil. Your eyes are other-worldly and I'm afraid you're going to steal my soul.

Sangaya looked sleazy AND sang off tune. Is that a double treat or what? And I think he's got a crush on Tony B. He looked like he wanted to devour him.

The guys from Good Charlotte did commentary in the UK, and they made fun of Gina's rocker image. "OOH. I bet she has a tattoo on her ankle. Scaarry." And then they made a tongue gesture that looked disturbingly like a cunnilingus gesture a cab driver in the next vehicle made to me once when I was stopped at a light in Chicago at 3 in the AM.

I never ever thought I would like Chris. Ever.

Lakisha, Melinda and Jordin kicked ass. Seriously. Kicked. Ass.

I'll hang in for a few more weeks just to see them.

What Contest in Hell did I Win??

CP responded to my blog, "Jake's Mom" when I was venting about something and saying I needed a distraction. He invited me to watch Idol and then blog with the others on this very blog. I didn't realize he just getting back at me for when I colored in the lines. Big sisters aren't very considerate of a younger siblings self confidence connected with coloring well. Sorry CP, I take it back...now make the bad IDOL go away.

I still have hope that Melinda wins. But even that is being clouded by the Sanjaya curse. He's like that junk that forms in the inner corner of your eyes. You wipe it away but the next day it shows up again. YUCK.

Gina was far more talented. They could have taken Blake, Phil any of the others (except Melinda, Lakeisha or Gina). I hope something good comes for her from this travesty. And I hope Sanjaya ends up at Disneyland as one of the costumed performers. Mikey, Minne, Daisy(not Goofy, my husband likes him).

CP take me away...............................................

"It was your best performance. This is all about knowing who you are, choosing the right song. The transformation from 3-4 weeeks ago to tonight is literally chalk and cheese."
--To Gina, March 27

This show is tragic. How anyone could vote Gina out before that bushy browed non-talented shemale is beyond me!

I thought Gina really proved herself over the last few weeks. I'm pissed off...

Valerie's View - April 3, 2007

I was at my brother's for dinner tonight and got to watch the last half of AI with my ten-year-old niece (Jenny) and 12 year-old-nephew (Jonathan).

When Chris came out, Jenny called him a, "Justin Timberlake Poser." I love it! I shortened it to JT Poser. When will he wake up and realize he's NOT JT?

I thought Gina looked good tonight. Normally her make up is a little too harsh, but her make up looked pretty (I didn't care for her hairstyle though).

Jonathan "likes" Sanjaya. I think because he wants to root for the underdog. I liked how Sanjaya danced with Paula.

While watching Haley, my sister-in-law commented that she didn't know who she (Haley) was. I told her about Simon not remembering her name a few weeks ago. Poor Haley.

I just realized I haven't commented on anyone's singing...hmmm...that in itself is a comment on this whole season.

Stony End

You know when Tony Bennett walked in the room, everyone's head turned but Melinda's because, well, you know. He seemed in pretty good shape though for a guy who's being held together with hair glue and my Dad's glasses.

As a 43 year old schlub, I know I cannot rock a pair of plaid pants the way Tony did on that album cover or the way Blake does and I'm not even sure why I'd want to. I did enjoy Blake's Mack the Knife very much even if I'm always distracted by his Muppet nose.

Dolores Hope could have breathed more life into Night & Day than Phil did. This may have been because he said he was trying to focus on his wife and to that I say 'if my wife looked like she was carved out of cream cheese, I'd keep my eye on her too'. The sweat on his head though? Very convincing.

Next up: Melinda "I've Got Rhythm But I Still Ain't Got No Neck" Doolittle! It was nice of Lakisha to lend her last week's dress but without question, Melinda was pretty awesome as always.

Chis sang a decent version of Don't Get Around Much Anymore but I hate that whole suspenders hanging off a get up look. Don't be so white trash Chris, that'll shine through on it's own. My favourite version of Don't Get Around Much...is in the film Living Out Loud. Someone does a karaoke version that Holly Hunter heckles the hell out of. Queen Latifah's in it too and does some excellent pre-Chicago singing and acting. Rent it. You'll either love it or hate me.

I disagreed with the judges completely on 'Magnet of Joy' Jordin. I love her, think she oozes charm, fun and talent but On A Clear Day made my ears bleed and I'm pretty sure I heard a couple of neighborhood dogs complaining too. Did anyone else think that was a key or two too high?

When Tony was talking about the song Smile (Charlie Chaplin wrote this? Really? Cool!), he said it's a song that gives you hope in your darkest moment. You mean like that time you were too coked up to sing at the Sands in Vegas Tony? Oh, no, you meant 9/11. Gina, I loved your version of the song except when I started to think about what that piercing would feel like on my, never mind.

Sanjaya, I think when Tony said he was a big fan, he thought you were Sanjaya Davis Jr.

I disagreed once again with the judges on Haley. She did a quite decent performance of Ain't Misbehavin' even if her new theme song should be called Give A Little Tit.

And for my last disagreement, I choose you Lakisha! I did not think that was outstanding although when you did the little skirt tug and squat, I had a good snort. What bugs me is that you ignored Tony's advice the way you ignored Lulu's advice. Advice is given to help, not to help fuck you up. Clearly, you're among the top talents. Use the force wisely.

Seabreeze out.

Top (?) 9

Annnnddd, here we go again.

Tonight's mentor is Tony Bennett. Hmmm... I have a feeling this is going to be boring. This genre of music is perfect for LaKisha and Melinda; the rest I'm not so sure about. We shall see...

Blake: He sounds like a lounge lizard -- like he should be in a hotel lounge singing to a bunch of drunk women. At least he didn't beat box to it.. just a little scatting.

I'm afraid all of these songs are going to sound like his... this isn't MY favorite genre of music so it will be hard for me to be biased.

Phil: Yawn... next

Melinda: She could sing the phone book and I'd love it. She sounded great -- the dress was horrible, but I can over look that. She is fantastic. Perfect song for her. I really wish she'd get over the "I can't believe you said that"though and REALIZE she is the BEST.

Chris: More bouncing. I think he's really a looker. It was better than Phil and Blake's fo sho. He should be safe... the girls love him.

GAWD I hate these songs!

Jordin: She has an amazing voice for a seventeen year old kid. She made the old song sound new. I was impressed with that performance. Completely impressed. That last note was AMAZING! I can see her in the top 4...

Gina: Her hair looked silly. I don't think she was in time with the music, but her voice sounded great. I was a little bit bored, but it was different for her. Something slow. Nice. I agree that she was out sung by the other two ladies. She has major competition with Melinda, Jordin and LaKisha.

Sanjaya: What's up with his hair tucked behind his ears? The stylists need to stop this crap -- or is it HIS idea? He's such a girly boy! I can't LOOK at him (is he trying to grow some facial hair?!). He is so awkward and geeky. Hated it... again.

Hayley: Dayum... her dresses get shorter every week. No wonder she is staying in this! The frat boys want her to get down to nuttin... I guess if I had legs and/or a body like hers I would wear that stuff, too! I digress. Let's talk about the song. Eh. It was OK. More personality tonight, but still not the best of the pack. She should be going home either this week or next.

LaKisha: Very cabaret. She has a beautiful voice, but tonight she hit a couple of pitchy spots. I just wan't impressed. Sorry.

Well, I still don't like this type of music. I didn't hear anything to change that. Loved Melinda (of course) and Jordin... didn't like Sanjaya and Phil's performances. Wonder who it will be? I'm through trying to guess.

AI - UK style

Watching AI in the UK is more fun that watching it at home, with the minor exception that you likely already know the results before you actually see the performances. But if you could somehow shield yourself from finding out ahead of time watching it here is superior because

a) There are no commercials, so you don't have to go through that whole "...after the break..." thing

b) The Coca-Cola logos on the judges' cups are blurred out because Coke is not a sponsor of AI's broadcast here

c) You don't have to watch that stupid part where Ryan reads the voting phone number to you like you're some kind of retard

d) You don't have to watch the contestant do that stupid grin and make the sign of their voting number with their hands. I always thought that was vote-grubbing anyway. Bad form. (Note: Melinda doesn't do that. Hint hint.)

e) You get to watch the results show right after the performances, since it doesn't air here until Sunday morning.

f) There are extra interviews with the contestant who gets kicked off, where they tell you what happened after they got kicked off. (E.g. Chris told us that Simon came up to him and said "you're going home tonight because you temporarily lost your sparkle. But you'll get it back quickly because you're a star." Awwwwwwww.)

Done.

What the HELL????

(insert caption here)

What the f....

Why does that no talent, freak hair, Michael Jackson wanna be (& that is NO compliment in my world), "I'm an idiot" smile, Sanjaya keep getting to stay? I just want to put a stake in him and put him in my garden to scare away the rabbits. Chris S is better than him. Even Phil. What contest in Hell did I win????????

Someone owes me for all these hours.

If Melinda wins all will be forgiven.

Yawn

Last night was kinda boring.

Lakisha looked great. I'm sure Simon really wants to hit that. Knock boots with her... ha ha!

Gina... I love her. She sounded awesome. She looked great, but I was waiting for the seams on her dress to split at any moment.

Sanjaya- I actually shuddered while I was watching him. Even just thinking about it now sends shivers up my back. Not good shivers. I couldn't watch the whole thing. And then he told Simon that he was jealous because he couldn't pull it off?????????????????????????? Now I'm shivering again. Seriously.

Jordin- I still love her voice, but wasn't crazy about the song... or the picnic table thing she was wearing.

Chris Sligh (I know, this isn't in order)- From the beginning they've been telling him about rushing it. He does... bad. I hope he's safe, but I'd want him to go home before some of the others.

Haley- I didn't like her rendition of "True Colors". I think she's got great legs, though.

Paula- your lips were fine, you didn't need to get them plumped up. Now they are almost more distracting than your drunken-ness. Almost.

Gwen Stefani Sucka Sucka Sucks

Just you wait until tonight when Gwenni sings her Whoo Hoo Yeee HOO song. Oh my GOD is it a pile of screeching dookie. Pleh.

And she looks so old now they have to soft focus the camera on her because people will figure out that she's old enough to be a Holla Back Girl's mutha. Or wait. I meant Mother.

Or did I?

Valerie's View - March 27, 2007

I wish I could've found better pictures, but Gwen Stefani without her signature red lipstick looked like Holly Madison (Hugh Hefner's "Alpha Dog" Girlfriend).

As for tonight's show...nobody was inspiring enough to make me write about them.

Another Tuesday night in my living room

Sitting at dinner tonight, Bug and I were talking about American Idol; she is eight and loves the show. She said, "You know, there aren't a lot of people I like this year but I really don't like the horse." Knowing how much she loves horses I was curious to see who that could possibly be. So I asked... her answer?

"That Sanjaya guy."

Why?

"He has hair like a horse's mane and buck teeth. I think he even sounds like one!" Some folks I know would say to leave the horses alone... that they sing better than he does.

My girl has taste.

It's almost time to kick off the performances. Gwen Stefani is the mentor tonight and I LOVE her. This could get interesting and may be a hard night for Melinda and LaKisha. They are powerful ballad singers (especially Melinda)... how will they fare singing Pop songs? Could be a real challenge. I'm excited to hear what Blake, Gina and Chris S. bring to the table...

LaKisha: Donna Summer? Paula isn't dancing in her seat -- not a good sign. Sounds too karaoke for me, but she did a good job. I wasn't wow'd like I've been in the past, but its not a sound I'm used to hearing from her. She's still safe. Better than I thought she would do.

Chris S: I don't like the Police (Sorry), so I don't like his choice in song. I think it is too high of a pitch for him. Paula's dancing though... I guess she likes it. Not my favorite. I was kind of bored - unfortunately because I really like him. He is probably safe, but I don't think it was his best performance.

Gina: That was fantastic. Her best performance yet. She looked beautiful and sounded amazing. She should be safe. After that, if she goes home I WON'T watch again.

Sanjaya: What the hell did they do to his HAIR! OMG! He is so freakin' gay! Whoever did that to him needs to be fired... right now. Send him home! I couldn't listen to him sing because I was so distracted by the atrocity on his head. It DID look like a horse's tail all gathered on his head - a pony-hawk? Is he TRYING to go home now? Doing whatever it takes to get out of there?

Hayley: She looked beautiful, but she sounded like a broadway singer. She needs to keep her legs together - or get a little longer dress. You could almost see her money maker! That was good... not fantastic. Just good. I agree with Simon -- sweet but forgettable.

Phil: Another Police song... this is one song I never listen to when it comes on the radio... I KNOW CP is going to be excited to hear this one. No matter who sings it - or how - I won't like it. Lalalalala... not even listening. OK... he's doing a good job. I would rather hear him sing it than Sting. That's fo sho... I have to admit that was one of his best performances.

Melinda: Look at my girl dance! I love her! Nice hair, too. She looks beautiful! Can she do anything wrong? I don't think so... She IS the next American Idol... no doubt. (no pun intended)

Blake: I don't know if I like that song in a slower beat. He sounded good, but I was bored. At least there wasn't any beat boxing... thank heavens.

Jordin: The outfit makes her look too fat. She has such a strong voice. I love her tone and to hear her sing, but I don't like this song. For her anyway. It was risky... but she pulled it off.

Chris R: At least he's behind a mike and can't bop up and down. The little teeny boppers like him because of his eyes; Paula just thinks he's "good" (tramp). Oh lord... he grabbed the mike and is moving. What is that little "no" head shake he does - like he quickly looks at someone to his side. That is irritating. I was bored... didn't like it. I agree that the vocals were not very good...

Tonight my faves are Melinda, Jordin and Gina. In that order. I agree that Blake has taken over as the strongest male performer... Either Hayley or Sanjaya needs to go home, but hell I've been saying that for two freakin' weeks. I hope it happens!

I Just You-Tubed Melinda's latest

Folks, I may have to start voting now - because if this girl doesn't win, I may have to commit suicide. Let's just hope that if she is a Kristian, she's of the non-fag-bashing variety. Although that in itself would make her a Christian and not a Kristian.

Melinda, do NOT blow it with me.

(No smart comments please, Dale - you know what I meant.)

I think this is it for me....

I don't think I can stand another season of this show. I intend to watch the rest of this season, but I feel like American Idol has lost it's magic... or whatever.

Vote for the Worst, or whatever other forces are working against the show... makes it impossible for me to enjoy it. I know there are surprises and upsets, but this is ridiculous.

Plus, there is just not one person this season that I am really excited about at all. Gina comes close, I guess. I liked her last season, too. But, no one really stands out to me. I know Lakisha and Melinda (and Stephanie) have great voices, and a couple of the guys do, too...

I'm just not feelin' it, dawg.

On another note (sort of)... I think there was just something really wrong with the crying girl. Maybe someone told her the truth about Santa Claus or something before the show, so she had to sob and sob the entire way through the show (not just during Sanjaya's peformance). Seriously. She was bawling during one of the ladies' performances, too.

The Tween did it!!

I think America was ready to send Sanjaya home this week. Enough of us had gotten past his hair and his androgynous looks to actually listen to him and found there just wasn't much there. The tweenies and the grannies were ready to shift their allegiance to the likes of Chris Richardson and Blake Lewis. People were beginning to notice Jordin Sparks and giving Stephanie Edwards the benefit of the doubt. Sanjaya was headed for bottom three territory with a bullet. He was on his way out tonight.

All of that changed last night. And not for the better. Last night a picture launched a million votes and we saw exactly what the tween vote means.

It was too cute. I'm not going to say it was all a set-up. I have no proof that indicates it was. But I have to say that the moment I saw her crying it popped into my mind. "How convenient for Sanjaya." Doesn't matter that she was probably crying throughout the show. The camera's focused on the Sanjaya experience. Ryan milked it. Even Simon hyped it when he said the little girls face "says it all". Yeah, you and I know what he meant. Doesn't matter. I'm not sure if I want to continue watching this mess. If Sanjaya would step down, I'd continue to watch the show. This competition is too much about image and story. I think Sanjay's story is no longer buzzworthy, I'm sick of him already!

Separated at birth

Melinda Doolittle

DW from Arthur

I love Melinda. I really really do, but this has been driving me crazy for a while! Can you see it?

It is a farce...

that Stephanie is gone and Sanjaya remains.

That is all.

In The Right Music Era At Least

I had a small crush on Peter Noone back in the dark ages of my youth, you know it as the 60's. Of course being a child of the 60's that is the music I love. CP and I recently saw a show based on 60's music. Unfortunately I dressed like the 60's Lulu...including hair and make-up. I thought it was cool then...now I hide the photos.

Haley is a flirt and I think that is how she gets by in life. I hope she'll wise up.

Chris R and Blake are Justin Timberlake wanna be's. Maybe they could be pre-teen poster boys but they both lack voice quality in the singing area. And what's with the golf pants Blake??!!

Stephanie did a no no and sang a Dusty Springfield song and did it off key.

LaKisha with all her diamonds on tried to match Shirley Bassey and did a fair job but not good enough. I like that she didn't let Simon's snotty remarks get to her (at least she didn't let on).

Phil, while at first I liked him has gone down hill in my opinion...and all this is just our opinions anyway, but we of course are the authorities! But he didn't have the chops for Tobacco Road.

Jordin sang 'I Who Have Nothing' did it well for a 17 year old who hasn't had much love experience yet. She was off key a bit too.

Sanjaya...YUCK! again. Who is voting for this creepy little boy???

Gina had a good fit with a Stones number. She still reminds me of Joan Jett/Pat Benatar. I think she will have a life after Idol. She needs a vocal coach.

Chris S...FIX/CUT/FLATTEN/STYLE or SOMETHING to YOUR HAIR!!

Melinda remains my favorite and the one I vote for (ok Dale?). She sang a torch song and did it justice. I would like her to win but even if she doesn't I think she will be a star. Look what happened for Jennifer Hudson.

At least Lulu and Peter Noone were better than Diva Ross. And they all knew the words this week! Was someone paying that little girl to cry or does she have perfect pitch and was just upset so many sang off key?

I missed Melinda

Don't have a lot to add to the brilliant commentary already submitted on last night's show (especialy by n.v.!)

I was glad to get to watch this week for a change (new job's been kicking my arse.) Due to having given the real-life Lulu the rest of my magic pills, I suffered a slight bout of insomnia Monday night and only slept two hours. Which means that I was nodding off by the end of my first appletini last night.

I did manage to suffer through a few abominations, such as Stephanie Edwards. What the hell was she doing up there, singing or going into labor? I haven't heard that much grunting since my last visit to a swine farm.

I don't know why the hell those judges were drooling all over Blake. Yeah, the kid is cute and all, but for cripe's sake, I've heard more pleasing sounds come out of a down syndrome baby holding a rusty kazoo.

I used to like Gina, but she didn't impress me last night. And while Chris Richardson may have lovely blue eyes, his annoyingly nasal tone reminds me vaguely of the teacher's voice on the Charlie Brown cartoons. Bwa bwa bwaaa bwaaaaa...

Then, after promising George I would just lay my head down for two minutes during the last commercial, I nodded off and missed both Chris and Melinda. I was especially waiting for Melinda - I figured she would have made the rest of the torture worth my while. Now I'll have to log on to that infernal AI website later today to try to catch it. Unless someone has already You Tube'd her.

CP

Shine On You Crazy Diamonds

Early on in the night, Randy was critiquing one of the performers and said something along the lines of 'you know what I liked about that?' and Paula turned and said 'what?' as though he had been talking to her. I love that shit.

I hate it when Chris Sligh starts apologizing for everything under the sun (here comes the sun Chris, quick say something!) and secondly for wearing those fucking ear things.

The performance of the night easily goes to the crying girl. It's too bad she's going to get the crap beaten out of her at school tomorrow.

Lulu! Call me and we'll trash the show sometime.

*Shudder*

Watching that retard cry for Sanjaya made me feel sick, like a priest had just taken me into his office and stuck his finger deep into my anus. Like up to the last knuckle.

Sixties Still Rock!!

I have to say the kids sounded pretty darn good tonight. Of course, at this point, Sanjaygaya Luvstohula hasn't performed yet....guess I should've waited. Lulu looks good considering she's gotta be about 70 now...haha. Naw, she's not that old. I love 60's music....as a young girl, my dear cousin Marg ( sister to CP) lived with us for a short time....If I remember correctly it was around 1969 or so. Anyway, she had a wonderful collection of albums....those big, round, black vinyl things you play on a turntable :) Beatles, Simon & Garfunkle, etc.....Whenever I hear those songs I think of her and it brings such good memories. If Sangay screws up a 60's song I'm gonna.....I''m gonna.....I'm gonna mow his grass skirt!!

Please let this be his last night!

It is that time -- again. I don't know how much more I can take. I do know this... if Sanjaya does not go home, I won't be watching any more.

So they are doing songs from sixties British performers. I was born in 1967 so I'm not very familiar with the earlier songs of the decade. Peter Noone and Lulu? Were they cartoon characters? No? Singers from that time? These kids DO NOT know who they are - nor do I! American Idol is reaching for themes, don't ya think?

Hayley: I know she needs a bra on... and anything other than a pair of Old Navy shorts. She is a pretty girl... better performance than last week. It was OK, but I feel like it was a little too "showy". She did look like she was having a good time, though.

Chris R.: I so didn't want to like his performance... but I did. Imagine that. He didn't do a lot of bouncing around and he sounded really nice. I didn't know the song, and I think I would listen to that on the radio. Great job.

Stephanie: Is she off key? She sounded like it through most of the song. I'm bored. She is one of my favorites, but I'm afraid Hayley sounded better. I'm disappointed in her performance. I agree with Simon - she is losing her "edge". Her fan base may have a hard time keeping her from the bottom 3 this time.

Blake: He is so freakin' cute! He so totally has the teenage girl vote. That was actually pretty good beat box and all. I'm curious to see if the judges think it was karaoke... I didn't think so. I'd listen to that remake. I wouldn't get his CD if it was full of beat box sounds, though. That is getting a bit old. Ryan needs to stick with hosting... the boy can't dance or sing at. all.

I'm suddenly liking this theme night. The songs aren't the same ol' crap we hear every week -- and every season. I'm enjoying tonight better than anything in a LONG time. It is a blast!

LaKisha: Mama's showing some cleavage tonight. Those girls are lookin' voluptuous! She is a powerhouse. I thought that was fabulous... as usual. That gave me chills.

Phil: At least he started off strong this time. Sounded a little pitchy at times, but he sounded really good! He's got a strong sound... he did some screaming/screeching, too, but I liked this performance.

Jordin: She is moving up in my favorites... she is beautiful and has a set of pipes. That performance gave me chills! I LOVED the was she acted the song out and gave it her whole heart and soul. That was fantastic, amazing, and wonderful. If she made it to the final two and sang that song... she would win the competition.

Sanjaya: OMG -- put your tongue back in your mouth! (Before the break he was trying to act all tough and stuck out his tongue... YUCK!) I'm not going to compare him to MJ only because I got ripped for it last week. I just want him to go away. The commercials are still on and I am DREADING this performance. The little girl in the audience should be crying because she wants him to leave, and America is allowing him to stay. He sucks. That's it. Randy said it was his best performance? Just goes to show you how bad the rest of them really were.

Gina: She is the best "rocker chick" they have EVER had on this show. That was fantastic. She looked hot and sounded awesome. I think a little more growl in her voice would have stepped it up a bit. Did she just mumble through some words? I hope not! I enjoyed that so much. For once I disagree with Simon. I hope that didn't hurt her chances at staying.

Chris: It sounded really good! I even enjoyed his little dance steps. He is the best guy in the competition but Blake is closing in on him. Tonight may have helped seperate him again. That sounded clear and in key. I enjoyed that a lot. Fro Patro?

Melinda: Now tonight she looked young and hip! Loved the outfit! I don't have any other words to describe how wonderful I think she is. They ended the show perfectly (except for the crying girl!)... that was fabulous and amazing. I don't care what the voters decide in the future... Melinda will be a HUGE star whether she wins this competition or not. The world is hers.

That was fun. I enjoyed tonight's show tremendously. I heard songs that weren't familiar so it was refreshing to hear some new material. Great, great night.

I just hope Sanjaya goes home. The only one that could possibly leave before him would be Hayley.

Son of Chunder

I am officially nicknaming Sangaya, "Bandit 2: Son of Chunder," in an effort to rid us of his incessant torture-vocals.

Jared got the nickname. Jared got voted off. Perhaps there is magic afoot.

No way

What a bunch of no-talent losers. With the noteable exceptions of Lakisha, Melinda and Stephanie, these people are so bad I can't even get my head around the fact that they're on tv. Seriously. When they're making Bucky, Ace and that squiggy little Kevin Cobais look good you know there is something very very wrong going on.

I think they're going to have to start eliminating them six at a time if they want to keep the audience numbers up. Personally, I'm not going to be able to take much more of this. Jee SUS.

Do not look Miss Ross in the eye

Well Dale, you got your train wreck all right. Man, I was waiting for Simon to pounce on her after that "I Love You More Today" attrocity she pulled.

My friend John once catered an event at her house in L.A., where he received the following instruction from the team captain:

"You are not to look Miss Ross in the eye."

Must be some bitch.

Are you a Fanjaya??

So I found this on an actual website....swear

Deep Throat

Whose cock is this fag sucking?

Brandon is about as inspiring as a bowl full of chunky diarrhea and deserved to go (so did Phil "Dr. Evil" Stacey), but Sanjaya is just horrid. Whore-id.

Nobody Does It Better

Unfortunately nobody was not on Idol.

Brandon forgot the words. How hard is it to remember the words to ONE song? Evidently harder than I thought as he was not the only one to stumble. Bye-bye Brandon.

Melinda was great. Still my favorite.

Chris S was endless agony.

Gina handled Love Child wasn't bad, but it just doesn't fit her image.

I am still questioning the sanity of the people who keep voting for Sanjaya. YUCK! Thanks to Valerie we know he has another job to go to.

Ditto for the voters that vote for Haley, Phil, Blake, Chris R and Jordin.

Stephanie should stay away from ballads.

LaKisha should not wear white. And stay away from Billy Holliday. No one can do Billy but Billy.

Paula was weepy or laughing...it's hard getting off the drugs. Randy and Simon were in top unforgiving form...but they were accurate.

And from PEOPLE (the magazine)....
Simon + Drunks = Truth? During commercial breaks, Idol's resident audience entertainer, comic Cory Almeida, often fields questions and comments from the audience. One young fan remarked that his father loves Simon. "My dad says kids, drunks and Simon Cowell are the only honest people in the world," he said, prompting the crowd to erupt into laughter. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Valerie's View - March 14, 2007

Did you know that Sanjaya was in the Jack Black movie, Nacho Libre?

Last night, I was laughing so hard at Sanjaya's hair that I didn't even hear his performance. Was that his strategy? Use his hair to distract people from his lack of talent/star quality/charisma/etc?

Lady Sings The Booze

"Hey kids, lets go for a couple of drinks, I'm driving!". That's what I wanted to hear Lady D. say but instead, we have to wait until tomorrow to see if she crashes the A.I. car, so, fingers crossed.

Part of the problem for the kids tonight is that a lot of these songs are indelibly linked with the big hair, big clothes and big personality that is Beyonce Diana Ross. I don't really want to hear her songs or those of The Supremes done by other people.

If you think there ain't no mountain high enough Sanjaya, try climbing Lakisha sometime. I dare you.

It sucks

American Idol, that is. It sucks like the Flowbee that Simon apparently used to cut his hair this week. Paula was so distracted by Simon's do that she appeared to hit the pain pills again.

I have to admit that, in the past, I've paid much more attention to the initial trainwreck audition part than the later weeks where they start to look and sound like aspiring pop stars. Tonight I turned on A.I. and remembered why that was.

First I was confronted by that bald-headed, beetle-browed bug-eyed freak Phil. He couldn't be more disturbing if he sang in a mime costume. He did not make anyone in this house love him, that's for sure. Stephanie looked gorgeous, and her voice was nice and strong. She fell kind of short, though, and I agree with whoever said her arrangement was weak. Lakisha redeemed the situation somewhat by doing a pretty ballsy version of "God Bless the Child." I liked her.

Speaking of balls, is it me or do none of the male contestants sound like full-fledged men? Blake sounded...just tinny. He was a prancing little would-be Pan. Chris Richardson? Jeebus. Wipe that smirk off his funny little face. MizBubs said he'd end up as a decent car salesman in a few years; I corrected her. I said he'd end up as the assistant manager at some car rental counter, hooking up hot chicks with sweet ride upgrades if they'd party with him. Picture him in his little blue or orange car rental vest, I know you can. Another thing about the guys, what was with the bland, beige clothing? It matched their sound.

I got an overview at the end of the show, and I didn't see anything there that impressed me. Sanjaya would make someone in prison very happy, I think. Brandon Rogers was better than any of the rest of the guys, but he was not that good either. Chris Sligh was ok, but only in comparison to the rest of the guys. From the brief clip I saw, Melinda sounded better than anyone tonight.

Oh well. All I need to know about A.I. for the next few weeks I can get from reading all the stuff you guys post. Thanks in advance.

Two more hours...

Two hours... my goodness. Can I sit through it? I guess I'm going to have to. Even though the LAST one I want to see is Michael Jackson, Jr. Ick.

Here we go...

Why are the dressing Ryan in suits these days? Is he too good for jeans and t-shirts now? Jerk.

Diana Ross... nice. She is so classy. I hope the contestants can do her songs justice. That is going to be pretty darn hard though.

Brandon: He looks comfortable on the stage, but the song sounds like he's one of those infamous cruise ship performers. I do like him, though. Oh crap! He forgot some words... BAD NEWS!!!!!!!!! You cannot do that at this point in the game.

Melinda: She looks SO nervous! A nervous grandmother... god... put her in her sweats and tennis shoes so she would be more comfortable. BUT THAT VOICE! She is absolutely amazing. If she doesn't win this competition... I just can't fathom that. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

OH, Paula. You are pathetic. Wipe your tears and get off the drugs. What a joke. She knows all about "out of body experiences"...

Chris: I don't think Diana liked his version of Endless Love... I don't know if I liked it either. Guess I'm a traditional girl. Would I buy the CD if it were released on it... probably. Would I skip by this particular song when it came on... probably. Still like his voice, but I didn't like him tonight. He's still safe because of who he is -- maybe.

Gina: She is really growing on me. I like her look... don't know how much I like this song though. It didn't have a lot of energy. I agree with Paula. She is much better than she sounded tonight. It wasn't her best.

Michael Jackson, Jr: He is SO boring. Is he channeling Justin Guarini from season one? WHY is he still here? Why is Sundance gone? Did he get a perm? I can't watch. I'm going to change the channel until he's done.

OK. I'm back.

Hayley: Yawn. Pitchy... and did she mess up the words, too? The middle of the song sucked. Let me take that back... everything about it sucked... she is in the running for the bottom along with Sanj --er-- MJ Jr.

Phil: Lounge lizard. Once again he started off shaky but got stronger at the chorus. He can't do that! He has to be strong from the get go... He can hold those notes, though. He's safe even though he didn't bring any energy or ooomph to the song.

Lakisha: She will be the runner up this year. (Unless something strange happens to her or Melinda -- like getting voted off before MJ Jr.) She has a beautiful voice and star potential. Loved that performance.

Blake: This is my favorite Diana Ross song... I love his vocals, but hate the dancing. If they wouldn't show his feet I could handle it a little better. I thought it sounded really, really good! Of the boys -- he has FAR surpassed any of the others tonight. Even Chris Sligh... He is safe...

Stephanie: She is such a beautiful girl - but that was one fugly dress! Great performance. I don't know what the judges were talking about. Maybe I was concentrating on typing this to really listen. I thought she did better than what they said. She has star quality that is missing in so many of the contestants this year. I hope the judge's comments don't ruin her chances to perform again next week.

Chris R: What was that walk when he came on stage? Yuck. He didn't sound good at all. This was the worst performance I've seen from him. He could be in trouble, too.

Jordin: For a 17 year old, she has an amazing voice, and she looked beautiful tonight. Lots of control and feeling. I loved her performance. That was a great way to end the show. She is safe.

I was so freakin bored tonight. Only three performances caught and kept my attention: Melinda, Lakisha and Stephanie. Other than that it was all I could do to not turn to another channel. I just don't like anyone else this year. I'll listen to Blake and Chris Sligh becuase I really do like them, but they don't "do it" for me. I don't feel invested in these kids like I did last year.

Let's just go ahead and send everyone home and vote on Melinda and Lakisha... that is who it is going to be anyways!

More Gossip....

Simon To Quit American Idol?


Sources say American Idol judge Simon Cowell is contemplating leaving the popular program.

Second hand gossip reports say he is fed up with cheap karaoke type performances and having to restrain his criticism to save the shows growing image as a self-esteem smashing torture chamber.

Co-judge Paula Abdul replied "Sho who caresh" in between sips of her coke when asked what she thought of Simon leaving. "I'm into the ( hic ) young guy crotches who givesh a (hic) shebangbang what Shimon doesh."

Randy Jackson, just repeated the words "dog, man, like dog you know, don't dog me with that stuff man you dog? Dog it if you want but dog man I just can't get into that dog shot, like you dog?"

Rumor has it that Simon is contemplating a new talent show that allows him to express his true feeling towards contestants with flogging, letting loose of large lions on to the stage during bad performance songs, stretching off key contestants on the rack, boot stomping genetically damaged ones, water torture of those who question his critiques, and the like. He says that "if it could work in Rome, it can work here."

Many top names of other famous celebrity judges have been floating around Hollywood and Vine regarding a replacement for Simon on Idol. Among the names mentioned from reliable sources are these known personalities:



Former wrestlers and Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura and Hulk Hogan.

Borat

Vern Troyer

Geraldo Rivera

Charleton Heston

Micheal Moore

Jerry Springer

Former Idol Contestant Willie Hung

Idol Didol Dee

I have been uninspired with this season's Idol. And now that the top 12 have been plucked and fucked, it seems silly to go back and give the girls the same treatment I gave the boys.

So we'll start fresh this week.

I will say that it's very possible I'm wrong about certain people being in danger of getting voted out. If Sanjaya is still around, then I've greatly underestimated the stupidity of Americans. You weren't stupid enough to vote for Bush -- I'll give you that much. But Sanjaya? Nevermind Iraq and Afghanistan: this is the real atrocity.

Stay tuned for more hatred.