CPW Idol Reviews

Loving them:

With the exception of that hideous Kansas song performance a few weeks ago, I love this girl. I think she might be a lesbian, too.



I've been all about the Cook-man for a few weeks now. I'm getting the sense he may be just slightly in love with himself in an Eddie Vedder kind of way, but he's got it.


Brookie. It's hard to resist that Mormon charm for very long. I mean, even if she really believes in the celestial undergarments, at least the girl is sincere. And sincerity always turns me on.


Over him:


Little Davie. Sure, I'd take him to the prom if I were 16, but I don't really need him as my American Idol. And Simon is right; he was a mess tonight.



Hating them:

I always think dreadlocks probably smell. Plus he lost major points with me for singing that stupid Jeff Buckley song last week; the insidiousness of religious themes in pop music always kind of gives me the heebies. And his little constipated wincing eye movement thing is making me sick. He might be a nice guy, but I want him gone. Now.



Michael Johns. Not to get all Republican about this or anything, but isn't this American Idol? Shouldn't the bylaws require some sort of naturalization process or citizenship test? And thinking about how he probably goes home and makes mad love to himself every night after the show is making me sick. Although I'll admit he wasn't that bad tonight.

The dirty dozen

So tonight the tribes have merged -- wait -- different show. Sorry....

It's time for the top twelve - the one's that will go on tour - to show what they've got. They get to sing from the Lennon/McCartney song book for the first time. These are some of my most favorite songs of all time... hope they do them justice.

Gonna sit here for the next two hours and type my thoughts as they perform. I hope it's worth it...

The new set is gorgeous!!! and HUGE!!!!

Syesha: Got to Get You Into My Life - No umph or sparkle to her song. She is off key. It's OK... I'm kind of bored. She will definitely not be the best of the night... the others will blow her out of the water. Totally forgettable.

Shut up Paula. Go home. Let the real judges judge.

I can't stand the question/answer session at the end of each performance. I want to hear songs - not watch them try to streeeeetttttchhh the show out for two hours.

Cha-queasy: She's a Woman - I hate to admit it, but I really like this! It is probably my favorite performance of his... the high notes were a little iffy, but all in all I thought he did a great job! High energy, fun... loved it!!!

Ryan needs to stop hopping around the stage. But they ARE having fun.

Ramiele: In My Life - She has a beautiful voice, but I just cannot get into her. That was pretty, but dull, dull, dull. Nothing different. I was bored. She may be in trouble.

Paula doesn't look drunk or stoned tonight... hmmm...

Jason: If I Fell - I love him so much -- if I were 12 I would want to be his girlfriend. (is that perverted?) I want him to do something more up tempo and get out from behind the guitar. He needs to mix it up a bit. BUT I really liked the performance. He has such an honest, pure voice. Love him.

"Student in a bedroom at midnight" -- ummm, what Simon? I agree with Simon that he can't do this same type of song week after week... he definitely needs to do something else.

Carly: Come Together - One of my favorites!!! Both the singer and song... let's see what happens. I LOVE HER!!! Damn she sounds good... She is top 4 material for sure. That was fantastic. I would buy anything she put out. She is the rocker of this competition -- Amanda who????

David C.: Eleanor Rigby - I can't watch him sing. I am staring at my computer as he performs; he is -- as one of my friend's says -- a Tool. I could probably listen to a whole CD of his songs, but wouldn't pay a dime to attend a concert. He has such an awesome sound... why does he rub me the wrong way? He's safe this week...

Brooke: Let It Be - Playing the piano; nice touch. This girl has got talent. She may not win the competition, but she could be the Jennifer Hudson of this group. She is fantastic. I really, really like her... not as much as Carly but very close.

David H.: I Saw Her Standing There - Too ship board performance (easy for him to do, huh?) Not impressed at all. Bad choice of song... really bad. I think I'm ready for him to go home. Yawn.

Amanda: You Can't Do That - I liked it, but it wasn't my favorite. She sounds so good, but I don't think she has found "her" song yet. I think she is safe, but won't make the top 4.

I wish Simon and Paula would just screw each other and get it over with... they already fight like an old married couple.

Michael: Across the Universe - He has a great voice and it matched that song completely. I don't think it was his best performance but it was a good one. He's safe... the ladies love him.

Chisty Lee: Eight Days a Week - Another one of my absolute faves but I HATE it as a country song. They made it too cheesy and twangy (is that a word? it is now). That sucked... she needs to leave now just for messing it up so bad. And that last note? Bye bye...

OK - Maybe it's Ryan and Simon that need to screw... sheesh...

David A: We Can Work It Out - Not good to forget or mumble words, David. That definitely was NOT his best performance. Too old for him and he didn't even know it! He is probably safe because of the popularity vote. If he is judged on how well he knows the song -- he's in trouble. He sounded awful!!! Totally off key... horrible. Absolutely horrible.

Who will go? Syesha and Christy Lee... they were the worst this week.

In my opinion, the top four should be Carly, Michael, Brooke and David C. Not necessarily in that order, but they are the most talented folks up there. I know people are picking David A to win - and that could happen - but he doesn't have the showmanship or maturity of these four.

Oh Danny Boy The Pipes The Pipes Are Callin'

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

--W.H. Auden

Alas, a run on American Idol is cut short this night. My dear Danny Noriega was cast aside in favor of KaCheezie, who will no doubt crack under the pressure of the atmosphere in the Kodak Theater.

Why, America? Why?

I've watched American Idol since the very beginning. It was a perfect meeting of my malaize with summer reruns and a brilliant upstart little talent contest that was horrifying to watch. But watch I did. I watched it with curiousity, then with ironic disdain, and then with acceptance. All the while waiting for some magic to happen.

And it did. Kelly Clarkson sang "Respect," Justine G sang "Get Here," Clay Aiken sang "Bridge over Troubled Water," some other people sang some stuff, Blake sang "You Give Love A Bad Name." This little joke of a show ended up being the place to see people blossom and mature and to see others crash and burn.

But I sat down to watch this season with grimness. Am I really up for this again? I didn't know, but I slogged through the auditions, watching people sing whom I'd probably never see again. It was not the time to get invested. And then Danny walked in. He sashayed through that door and did the best drag queen act I'd ever seen since the last time I watched the Disney Channel (I'm talking to you, Ms. Montana, if that really is your name).

Oh, brother, here we go, I thought. And then he sang. Whoa. He suddenly became the one to watch. But he drifted away in the fog that surrounds the swamp that is "the auditions." When he came back in Hollywood, I was glad to see him make it through. He's funny, if overly practiced in his dramatic ways. At least he would cause Ryan a little tension and that's always a good thing.

I settled in to watch him sail into the finals. Up until this point, I liked Danny but he bugged me. Enough with all the affectations, already. It was gilding the lily, in my opinion. Stop being an asshole. Then he came out and sang "Jail House Rock." As an Elvis fan, I had a flash of dread at the thought of him going anywhere near Elvis. But my dread soon dissolved when I heard him sing. I was so surprised to hear this very masculine voice turn this former queen into a king. I was knocked out. It reminded me of watching Annie Lennox for the first time. It was fucking awesome.

And that was it. Danny was my pick to win. Or at least to place second. It was weird to like someone so completely like this. But I was glad to have someone to root for. I grew a bit concerned when I checked in to Vote For The Worst to confirm my suspicion that Amanda was there. She was. And so was Danny. Uh-oh. What? The worst? What about fucking Luke Menard?!? He is the worst of the worst! But I brushed my fears away. This could be a good thing for him. Votes are votes, right?

Alas, it wasn't to be. Danny's fun and sassy rendition of Tainted Love wasn't enough to save him. Maybe he wasn't the worst anymore. And maybe his performance wasn't quite good enough to get him off the ground, votewise. Maybe the folks at VFTW caught wind of the flopsweat of fear flying from KaCheezie and turned their sites to someone who would really make AI suffer. I haven't looked over at VFTW since that fateful day. I know longer trust them. They are dead to me.

So, now what? Am I supposed to just save a little love for some third rate man child? Do I hitch my wagon to the Comb Over of Wonder? Or should I just give up and vote for Brooke like Simon wants me to?

I don't know, friends. I just don't know. But it's gonna take one helluva musical miracle to make it happen.

Oh, Danny Boy; You're THTH, obviously.

Danny Noriega and Miley Cyrus: Separated at Birth?

Somebody Stop This Woman!

Before she kils another song with her poseur rock blasting and her terrible hair! Seriously. My ears...they bleed.

...either that or nominate her for "Vote for the Worst"; that would be awesome.

The girls

Carly rocked...

the rest sucked.

That is all.

And now a word from Lulu

Lulu says:

OK, since I am not a member of your little American Idol Club, and since no one there has addressed it, here is my statement/question/comment: Little Mormom teen cutie pie only sang verse 3 of Imagine. Randy asked why and he said it was there wasn't enough time to do the whole song and it was his favorite verse....hmm, maybe because the first verse is "Imagine there's no heaven It's easy if you try No hell below us Above us only sky", and the second verse says "Imagine no religion..."

Can't he just say he doesn't agree with the lyrics? Or pick a song he does agree with? Although I do think he is ridiculously cute. And I did love Paula saying that she wanted to squeeze his him so hard that is head popped off and then hang it from the rearview mirror.

Rocker nurse, heal thyself

I don't know what the fuck that rocker nurse thought she was doing with that Kansas song, but I've heard more pleasing noises out of copulating alley cats. I liked her when she first appeared on the show, but that was horrendous.

I might even be sick.

david archuleta

I have never played a performance over again, but tonight I did after David sang.

I love this kid and I won't be shy about it.

Thanks again to the hubby for getting me a crackberry with at and t cuz I voted 10 times for David.

Got Sperm?

Holy shit, I've never been so bored watching American Idol. I've literally been shaking with eagerness for this season to arrive, and now all I wanna do is masturbate and take a nap. Maybe have a corned beef sandwich right after. Yes, I wash my hands first. Though my pussy is probably cleaner than the beef.

I made some really nasty notes about last week's performances, but it seems pointless now to post my opinions. Suffice it to say that last week sucked. Last week involved plenty of hand washing and corned beef.

But this week, I was glued. Mostly 'cause the guys are a wreck. Here's the rundown of jizz running down your chin after this splattery mess:

Michael Johns
Yes, his singing is horrendous. I can't believe he got any positive feedback from the, ahem, "judges," but I really think he's just being coddled at this point for ratings. They need at least one guy who isn't a complete fag to bring in the female vote. I mostly can't get past the fact that he looks like the guy who starred in the sitcom Wings. The guy who was porking Crystal Bernard.

And moreover, why are they even referred to as judges? America is the real judge, my friends. Even at the gates of Heaven, you'll see Condomsqueeza Rice, Martha Stewart, and Rocky Balboa.


Jason Castro
I really want to like him for his song choice: Andy Gibb was a god. And for a second there, I wanted him to stuff one of his crusty dreads into my vagina, but meh. I don't think he'll last long, simply because he can't completely win me over. That means no audience will be completely won over by him. He has no charisma. I am annoyed though that he got slammed for his performance, especially since he's a combo-talent unlike Michael Sucks Johns who can barely sing and keep his legs straight at the same time. Fucking retard. At the very least, Paula should understand Jason. Paula, like Jason, is a combo-talent. She can sing a song and dance with a cartoon creature.


Luke Menure (nee Menard) on Acapella: "It's not like having a band behind you." Really, Corky?

This operatic abortion was really hard to listen to. At one point, my clit crawled up into the attic of my torso and told sad stories to my spleen. Holocaust fables. Then my clit and spleen watched Yentl together and cried themselves to sleep.

Translation: I don't like this fuck.

Commercial! Mmmm, President's Choice parchment paper packets for lunch or dinner. Le Choix du Presidents indeed.


Robbie Carrico
Please don't decipher the levels of rock while wearing that douchebag bandana.

This guy looks more like a fat Polish chambermaid I once threw a penny at than Axl Rose. The judges are so stupid: even Paula's used that "inauthentic" bullshit on contestants. What's this bitch smoking? Cause I want some.

I could excuse Robbie's lack of talent if he were more self-effacing and less of an arrogant prick. Take your sneering elsewhere, Robert. This is American Idol. This is about dignity and integrity.


Danny Noriega
Wow, where to begin? Okay --

Fact: I'm the biggest fag hag ever. When my strict Middle Eastern parents forbade me from sucking cock for dollar coins in high school, I turned to the gay community for mall fun and random cruelties inflicted on recent immigrants.

But when Danny Noriega catwalks onto the stage, all my devotion to flamers dies away. He annoys the shit out of me. And I can put up with it for now because I know he won't last. I'll just enjoy watching him fly too close to the sun on wings of anonymous asslips until he comes crashing down when a lack of votes crush his delusional dreams.

But on a positive note, while Danny won't be winning any contests soon, he can get a job as the cool counselor at some GLBT center in Downtown Wisconsin, thereby igniting the acceptance fantasies of flamers across the cheesy plains.

Or else he can make a career as transgendered porn star, Anita Dick. At least until the industry spits him out like a congealed cum loogie. The kind that gets caught behind your molar. You know what I'm talkin!


David Hernandez
The orgasm face he made while singing the words "the day my daddy died" made me kinda horny. But ugly is waging a war on this guy's face. His teefs look like undercooked grains of basmati rice.

Did he even finish the song? I blacked out.


Jason Yeager
This dick is out next week. Trust me. I'd bet my corned beef-smelling fingers on it.


Chikezie
God needs to revise and resubmit on this guy. Fucking Motown Robot. I want to support him, even if it's only as the Token Male Chocolate Face. But he's so dull.


David Cook
Yuck. Reeks of pedo. I think I saw him on Perverted Justice a few months ago. He was under "Unsuccess Stories" when even a 12 year-old bulimic with daddy issues wouldn't get with him. Beer commercial-singing loser. I hope he's out next week, but he's got the Aspiring Groupie Slut vote on lockdown, son.


David Arculeta
What a talented twink. This kid makes my balls tingle. He's gonna be in the last two singing, if not the winner. All kidding aside, he really sang that song beautifully. I wish John Lennon would rise from the dead so I could shoot him all over again and then turn to David and say, "Who the fuck was that guy?" while pointing to Lennon's corpse. Then we'll walk off into the sunset together licking ice cream cones and laughing.

--

Okay, I probably won't be saying too much about the chicks this season (unless I YouTube their performances). My dance class (fuck you) takes place on Wednizzday nights, so you know. Body over brains, that's what I always say.

You're probably thinking, so-what-who-are-you-to-criticize-anyway? And you're right. I'm fat, sexless, stupid, "tanned," and ignorant. Juuuuust a pile of beer cans and a half-smoked pack of Pall Malls away from being completely irrelevant. But you know what? I don't drink or smoke, so unfortunately for you, I'll be back next week.

Stay tuned.

is carly pregnant?

She looks not as skinny and that top looked too matronly.

It'd be awesome if she was...the first preggo contestant!

Ugh

Oh god I am bored.

So far only one of the girls has been worth a listen.

The boys rule this year.

I'm going to bed... doubt I'll miss anything.

prediction

David Archhuletta (sp?) To win.

The guys step up

I love Robbie the Rocker, Dreds, and Aussie...

The 16 year old is OK -- his voice is perfect for radio but his pollyanna act kinda gets on my nerves. I predict he will go far. Especially if Paula, Simon and Randy keep praising him to the heavens.

I think Chacuzzi and the Crooner Daddy will be the ones to go tonight.

Just my opinion.

The Mormon kid was on Star Search

If this kid wasn't so damn likable I'd demand he be disqualified on accounta his 12-year-old Star Search win

In searching for a photo of my current favorite to post, I discovered that the Mormon kid has already been a Star Search winner. Shouldn't that disqualify him? It also puts the "too nice to be believed" act that I had previously attributed to his Mormonism in a different light; the kid's been doing this for years now. He probably knows every trick in the book.

Oh well, as long as he doesn't go all Donny Osmond on us I'll forgive him. What a sweet kid. I'm such a sucker for that whole self-effacing thing too, how pathetic.

On the other side of the coin, I'm already over Mr. Aussie heartthrob; he's just a little too in love with himself to need any fans anyway.

And although Mindy June has instituted a policy against contestants who pimp out their kids as way to garner more appeal, I'm still with her even though (just for the record) I'd totally do the "Moon River" daddy. My huckleberry friend, indeed.


Was that too much information?

Nice tie, dude

I love the republican show choir geek from texas, and I don't care who knows it. That chick with the big tattoo on her arm was flat. I'm sick of seeing people pimping their children like becoming the next American Idol is the only way to provide for their family. That girl who preaches about abstinence walks funny. I think maybe she needs to get laid.

Carly's background

http://new.music.yahoo.com/blogs/realityrocks/13980/irish-idol-smithsons-secret-past

Mormon Idolatry

Ever since Mindy and I began our collaboration on idol-judging we have tried to account for the Mormon vote that is likely to skew the results early on. (See Carmen Rasmussen and Jon Peter Lewis.)

Unlike in years past, however, both of this season's Mormon contestants have something mildly resembling a hint of talent. This fact is going to skew the results even further, and now that Mitt has lost the presidential nomination you can count on the Mormons to go rabid wild to get one of their own elected to a position of national prominence.

I thought David Archuleta was an adorable kid the moment I saw him on the screen, but even from the outset I suspected something was up with his Pollyanna demeanor. No one but a Mormon could believe they're that happy. Sure enough, I was right.

Similar take on Brooke White. Notwithstanding the fact that she bears a creepy resemblance to Valerie Cherish, she seemed a bit too much of a goody-goody with that whole "I've never seen an R-rated movie before." Which was funny, because she also reminds me of someone who might have appeared in a porno film at some point. In any event, she does have a good last name for a Mormon.

In keeping with Idol's Mormon tradition, enjoy this commemoration of JPL's awesome dancing ability from Season 3. Pay close attention to his smooth moves about a third of the way through, after the line "come on baby I'm tired of talking." Looks like he's having a seizure.

I thought there was going to be another school shooting

That Josiah kid who lives in his car and fakes a British accent is a mess and a half. I'm relieved they put him through anyway because that look on his face when he was done massacring "Stand by Me" scared the shit out of me. This is a kid who will snap eventually, and I don't want to be there when it happens.

And yet, despite the fact that he will one day go postal, I would still rather see Josiah in the competition over that offensive blond "Unchained Melody" singer who begged Paula to keep her in. Thank God Paula showed some sense for a change and kicked her ass off the stage.

I'm looking forward to seeing more of the skinny Tina Turner chick too, but the crying needs to stop.

Take On Me

Laugh. Cry. Hurl. Finally, an audition show that was better than the commercials.

Miami...

Ok, so I'm finally catching up again with A.I. after those first two episodes. And I chose tonight to catch up. I saw just a little bit of last night's show, enough to agree with Dale's observation that Ms. Abdul appears to be in her cups, or at least well into her prescription bottle. And I agree with Mr. Punchman's assessment of the general state of A.I. auditions, as well.

But, tonight.

Only a few contestants really made any impression. There was that white guy in the stocking cap; Mizbubs told me he was good (I missed his audition, but saw him later) but really, what the f*ck is up with the stocking cap? In Florida? Why not a flannel shirt too?

Now, Syesha Mercado, on the other hand... She was hawt. Gorgeous, and some great pipes too. I liked her. Hope she does well.

Brandon Blank was like, the most entertaining dork at the rent party. He was a fun way to close the episode.

My favorite was Julie Debela, the former Junior Idol contestant. Whereas Alexis Cohen was "going for actressing", Ms. Debela announced, in no uncertain terms, "I'm sorry, but I'm not acting." Why not, Ms Debela?

I think that Julie Debela will be far more entertaining in a few years as a drunk, 23 year old actress/escort in L.A. MizBubs seconded this notion, adding that she "sees her as a Little Bo Peep." Whew. Our youngest said she gave the impression of hearing applause in her head 24/7. I thought the little head nod/toss at the end was a nice touch.

Well, that's it. Time to go watch some splatter movies.

Oh for crying out loud

The reason I don't like to get posting right away on these first audition shows is that I can hardly stand it. How do you spell T-R-I-T-E again?

I mean, every show is exactly the same, with a pathetically interchangeable cast of characters. As always, there is the mandatory gang of idiots who want nothing more than a William Hung moment of fame; at least one black-hair Susie with lots of eye makeup and no discernible talent; a Britney wannabe whose only apparent interest is to grunt & shimmy her way to God knows what; assorted retards and other talentless sorts who have no idea they lack the most basic skills of human interaction; smatterings of kids who know very well what AI is all about yet who come in with some stupid gimmick, as if singing a duet with blue horns on your head might somehow compensate for your otherwise total lack of worth; and on and on.

I swear, half of these people must be the same morons who visit New York and stand outside the windows of The Today Show in hopes of getting their overfed faces on TV. And for what purpose, exactly? It all makes me sick. Tonight's program was hideous to a degree where I can safely say I'd kill myself if I were forced to watch this more than once a week.

Paula, Randy, Ryan, Simon, listen up please: let's cut the crap and get to the part that's supposed to be a real competition before my need to hurt somebody grows too much stronger.

Oh, and I really could have done without the tearful father-daughter reunion. That was particularly offensive.

I think I need a drink.

YAY!!!

Paula's stoned again! Dig those crazy eyes!

Quote of the Week

"I think it's totally appropriate to name him 'Idol.'"
Lady who went into labor waiting to audition in Dallas, speaking of her newborn son.

Dallas

I laughed a lot and cringed even more. There were several performances I liked, but for the most part Dallas was unremarkable.

Where are they next? I don't remember...

It's showtime!

"I am going for actressing!"
_____________________

America The Beautiful

Why aren't Valerie Bertinelli and Dr. Phil working the crowd at the American Idol auditions? There's business to be drummed up in them thar holding pens.

Philly

My take so far:

• Jabba the Butt was a geek- with or without chest hair
• I loved Tempest -- I was hoping she could sing, but what a sweet, sweet girl
• Christina the Star Wars chick -- OMG... She called it herself - a DORK!!!
• I really don't remember her name, but the glitter girl that wants to go into "actressing"... what a freakin' freaky freak!!!
• I really, really liked the girl with the special needs child. She was beautiful and had a great voice. I hope she can get past the Wedding Singer vibe, too.
• Brooke - the nanny of the twins that has never seen an R rated movie - was boring to me. Too quiet and didn't stand out... she will sing ballads and bore us to tears (could I be WRONG?) Let's see!
• My faves are Chris - the HOT, black guy with the dreds and the girl that sold her barrel racing horse (not good with names yet). I need to see them in Hollywood before I commit.

I don't like it when they cry. Most times it breaks my heart. Tempest killed me, but it was for the best. She seems to have a very supportive family.

I'm looking forward to the rest of this season. I've heard Simon say it is the best and he already knows the top 3... don't know if that is just publicity or the truth. Can't wait to see what happens!

There are a couple of Atlantan's coming up in future eps -- I can't wait to see how they sound and if they can represent the ATL...

God I love this show!!!

Ready, Set GO!!!

Anddddddddd we're off........

I for one can't wait for this season to start. There is nothing on the telly anyway.
AND, the search for talent starts right here in Philadelphia tonight. Yeehaww!

Let the games begin...

The Next American Idol Single

I'm psyched for American Idol to start and if they run the songwriting contest again, I believe I have a winner for the winner. Picture a teary-eyed/sweaty youth singing this baby:

My future was uncertain,
Too many things in my way
I didn’t dare to dream for fear
Of scaring my dreams away

But now the light shines down on me
And I can find the way to go
Love has made me see
That I can have forever today

[Chorus]
Forever today
We’ll chase our dreams together
Our fears no longer matter
Nothing stands in our way
Forever today

Every sunset, every dawn
And the moments in between
Stretch out before my eyes
Better than any dream

Take my hand and walk with me
See all the beauty on the way
Of dreams come true
Forever today

[Chorus x2] and fade out


By the way, if anyone wants to write the music, I'd appreciate it. Make sure it's sweeping, grand, full of strings and chimes and that it has lots of room for glory notes.

Boxing

This is great. Jordin is blowing it out of her box and Blake is beating his.

Now THIS is television.

Favourite Moments

What a long, boring finale for American Idol.

My favourite parts were tuning in to Larry King to hear him croak on a little about Rosie and Elizabeth's clawing match on The View and seeing all those little African kids sing. Who knew there were enough Jolie Pitt kids to form a choir already?

It was also fun watching Bette Midler lose the will to actually entertain.

Zzzzzz.

I missed it...

Please tell me Jordin did a better job than Blake. Please tell me Jordin will win the competition.

Will she or won't she

I don't even know if I'll watch the show tonight. I have dinner plans with a friend, and to be honest, I'd rather spend time with her than watching Blake or Jordin sing.

If I make it home in time I'll tune in for it. If not... oh, well.

Death Cheater

Did her dress jinx her? What is with that....

WE BE F**KED!

I think that says it all.

I've done my tour in Hell. That's all for me, I'm outta here!!

I will keep reading the blog though as I find it witty. So watch your frickin' mouths. :):):)

Thanks kids, it's been real

I love this girl. Neck or no neck.

The only saving grace to saying "goodbye" to Melinda is that I don't have to rush home to watch the rest of this drivel. Because that's exactly what it will be, this choice between the prom queen and the Tourette's boy. Drivel.

The only worse voting error I've seen in recent American history would have to be all of our recent presidential elections.

I could go on and on about how disgusted I am that the most talented singer ever to grace the American Idol stage was voted off tonight; but that would take too long. Poor George summed it all up quite nicely with the following words:

"America couldn't care less about talent. They just want young cunt slits."

Bravo, Poor George. Bravo.

Two and a Half Men

Put these three contestants together and that's about what you've got.

If you're going to try and take me to the Nutbush City Limits Melinda, you really need someone to slap you around a little backstage first to sell it. Congrats on almost convincing America you're a W-O-M-A-N too. Those hair extensions pretty much covered up your Adam's Apple. The best part of the night was nobody mentioning she flubbed the entire second line to that song.

Blake should move back to Avenue Q where he belongs although I have to admit, he almost blew This Love right outta Jordin's box. She worked about as hard for the money as Paula did on that lame ass joke. I Who Have Nothing was excellent again though.

True facts as discovered on The Tonight Show last night:

Blake is from the Seattle area but has never had a cup of coffee.
Melinda was a costumed mascot in high school and college.
Jordin is 17.

Did anyone see Molly Shannon on SNL last week? She opened the show as Mary Catherine Gallagher on American Idol.

Three each

Jees-oh-pete... we have to listen to three different songs tonight. I pray to all that is holy Blake doesn't beat box through each one of his.

First, the judges pick their songs... then the producers (HUH?!) pick one... then they pick their own. Hmmm... this should be interesting.

Judges Choice

Jordin: Simon's pick? Wishing on a Star - does she even know that song? It is SOOO old! Yawn. The end was OK and her voice was great, but I was bored. I didn't see any personality. What do the judges think? How can Randy say she brought the heat? It. was. dull!!!!!!!!!! Ah-hah! She had NEVER heard the song before! I knew it!

Blake: Paula's pick? Roxanne - I can't stand the Police so I'm already not going to like this... At least he didn't beat box. THANK GOD! He needs to shut his mouth after he finishes a note. He looks like a fish out of water. I have to admit it was a decent performance... better than Jordin's! (Did I really just type that shit?) I agree with Simon that he was trying to imitate Sting - and he failed.

Melinda: Randy's pick? I Believe in You and Me - why did he pick Whitney? She is SOOO overdone... and did I just hear her say "Thank you, Randy Johnson?" instead of Jackson? Or was the mayor's name Johnson? I was too busy trying to figure out why she's singing Whitney. I don't like ballads - or Whitney for that matter - but Melinda did a great job. Her voice cracked a little bit, and she was pitchy in some spots, but over all she sounded great. She's a pro.

Winner of round one? Melinda (HA! The judges - or at least Simon - agreed!)

Producer Choice

Jordin: She Works Hard for the Money - why do they keep giving her the songs that are older than she is?! This is such a freakin' cheesy song... how can she make it sound fresh and new? SHE CAN'T!!!!!! (Once again -- this is a song on my Richard Simmon's tapes) Sounded like a cruise ship performance. I liked it, but it wasn't my favorite. I want to hear something more her age.

Blake: This Love -- Maroon 5 is good choice for him. Glub, glub, glub... fish boy. I am over the beat boxing... over. it. You could tell he was in his element, but I thought it was boring. Glub.

Melinda: Nutbush City Limits - LOVE Tina Turner! Let's see how she does with a rockin' song... she had me at the first note. Great choice for her! I love when she does the "growl" in her voice.

Round two: Melinda

Their Choice

Jordin: I Who Have Nothing - That was her moment. Brilliant performance. She proved she has the power to win this competition. That girl will. be. a. star.

Blake: When I Get You Alone - OMG -- I can't stand Robin Thicke either. This may be painful. I want him to quit dancing. You know what? I want him to quit dancing, beat boxing, singing, performing, and showing up for these performances. I want him to go home. He is no match for Jordin or Melinda... not even in the same league.

Melinda: I'm a Woman - I liked it. That is her kind of song. She can really put on a performance with that kind of song. That was fun! She just plain ol' rocks.

I'm afraid the young vote will go to Blake and Jordin; that will put Melinda out. I hope it doesn't happen. The final two should be Melinda and Jordin -- with Melinda taking it all.

Realistically though? It will more than likely be Jordin. And that sucks.

We're The Kids In America

Last night the kids were on Leno, a show I generally ignore except for the last few minutes I tape for the musical guest before Conan shows up to save the day.

I happened to watch last night as I'd read the kids were going to be on.

Blake said he's never had a cup of coffee even though he's from Seattle, Jordin and Melinda said they both voted for Sanjaya while Blake chose not to answer the question and it was all just scintillating nose scrunching goodness.

They had poor Taylor Hicks out in the parking lot giving a 'concert'. Do I Make You Proud indeed.

Jordin & Melinda - Who's gonna be the first ho down?

Oh, the SUSPENSE!

Who will win???? After enduring week after week of this, it's finally almost over. HOORAY!

I have decided to throw down for Jordin.

She's an Amazon, and I prefer giants to midgets. She has a neck. I prefer her teenage chirpy perkiness to the aw-shucks-they-like-me perkiness of Melinda. She has huge hair. Her voice is not as good as Melinda's, but she's still good. She's young and impressionable and has potential for a seriously messed up fast-lane lifestyle that, after years of diet pills and booze and heroin (and then recovery,) will make for a great made-for-TV-movie. If you put all past American Idols in a wrestling match to see who reigns supreme, she'd win hands down. She'd be a great spokesperson for tampons, giving her a second income stream. If she were on Leno or Letterman, she wouldn't sit there in wide-eyed wonder at everything, but would likely talk on and on about herself. And she's shiny.

Melinda is very talented, and if this were a talent competition she should win. It's not. It's American Idol. They're looking for a marketing juggernaut. And Melinda is very, very dull. Unless she comes out during the final and dedicates a lovesong to her female lover, in which case America's love affair with personable lesbians will create a complete circus and give us something interesting to watch for sordid details. Otherwise she should be relegated to guest appearances on celebrity Christmas Specials. She'd be great singing Sleighride in a "snowball fight" with the kiddies on a Very Osmond Christmas.

Blake, well, Blake is a cartoon character. He has potential for a hit or two, but no long-term appeal. Who would want to see him on Extra or ET? No one. That's who. He would not be a compelling Gap model. His beat boxing sounds like stuttering. I hate stststuttering. Go away, Blake.

You've got to be kidding me

What the hell is Bill Maher doing in the American Idol audience? I mean seriously. What the Hell?

Die or Bust

Blake Lewis is noisier than a badly made Ukranian vibrator. I want him dead. Will the gods, or just one God (preferably the white one) please rain a hail of death upon this lipless fag's head?

LaKisha leaving last night was a low point for me. I love fat, black singers. I still can't listen to Luther Vandross without crying into my pudding. But if anyone deserved the dubious award of IDOL, it was this single mother. She's so low-rent, you just know she's going back to Michigan to polish some flint.

Melinda is a flat-nosed cabaret act and Jordin Sparks is still a nose-scrunching cunt. The fact that she's from a normal family makes me hate her more than I hate Blake and his stuttering songs. He slaughtered "You Should Be Dancing." Barry Gibb should be ashamed of himself for condoning such bargain basement artistry.

I had half the episode on mute. Me love the Bee Gees, especially the dead alcoholic one.

Tears have been shed now

I am so glad Melinda is still in the game.

Call me retarded, but I started tearing up when Lakisha got the boot. Although I don't even like her singing all that much, she still deserves to be up there. I felt really bad for her, and hope she has a great career ahead of her.

Blake really deserved to leave last night. And Jordin wasn't far behind.

Go Melinda!!!!!

He was hung like one, but I couldn't get past the teeth

Oh my GOD!!! I just watched, in horror, as Barry Gibb attempted to recapture his youth by trying ( in vain) to recreate the infamous Bee Gee falsetto voice. What is up with those horrid false teeth??? This is the same man who used to make me positively swoon? Painful, pathetic and sad are just a few adjectives that come to mind. As Simon is wont to say, "It was positively dreadful, like a really bad karaoke singer." Barry, wake up and smell the Efferdent. Sometimes, ya just CAN'T go home again.

Nurse Ratchet

Glib About Gibb

One of the Gibb brothers (I think it was the dead one) gave the kids some advice tonight with his Sean Connery/Liza Minnelli bridge work and wow did things sizzle, as long as you happened to be 80 or in the audience.

I'm not sure why they dissed Lakisha so for Stayin' Alive, I thought it was the best thing going on an incredibly boring show.

Outside of the original version, I love N Trance's take on it. Get raw with the fever on the dance floor: Stayin Alive.mp3

Please...

can someone slather Barry Gibb's lips with chapstick/blistix/carmex/vaseline/olive oil, anything!

those thin gray lips grossed me out!

How deep is your love?

And then there were four... three ladies and a guy.

Tonight being coached by Barry Gibb... call me a nerd, but I love him. I love the Bee Gees! I have their greatest hits in my car. I listen to it A Lot. Yep. A nerd.

He talks like the Geico caveman though.

I'm looking forward to tonight - even though they are singing two songs a piece...

Melinda: Love You Inside and Out - Different vocal range for her... I like it! She is so awesome. I'm not sure it was her best, but she still did a great job.

Blake: You Should Be Dancing - I hear this song and envision John Travolta doing his pelvis thrusts on a pulsating dance floor... I hope I don't see that with Blake. Now he has white streaks in his hair... jeeeeesus.... He sounds like his balls are in a vice. And yes... he does look like Robin Williams. NOOOOOOOOOO! More beat boxing. I'm tired. of. it. That sucked. Just not for me. Once again -- I'm a purist. I'm SO glad Randy said the beatbox didn't work! YAY! Finally! I don't think he's going home though. Chris' votes are going to go to him... it's the whole "cute young guy" thing.

LaKisha: Stayin' Alive - My least favorite BeeGee song... so cliche for them. I was hoping that it would be avoided all together, but... oh well. She didn't hit the high notes like Barry recommended... why? Did she not like the professional's opinion? Is she too good for that? I didn't like it... I was bored. Maybe it's the song. But I don't think so. I think she may be the next to go.

Jordin: To Love Somebody - Does she even know who Barry Gibb is? Has she ever even heard of the BeeGees? Last week she told Jon Bon Jovi that he was her MOM'S favorite and that was how she had heard of him! I wonder what she would say to Barry! She will definitely be in the final two. I could listen to that version of the song over and over again. I haven't gotten a lot of chills this season, but that gave them to me. That was AMAZING.

Second songs

Melinda: How Can You Mend a Broken Heart - I was bored with this one... UNTIL the end. I didn't like the beginning, but the end was star quality. I love her. Period.

Blake: This is Where I Came In - Yuck. Go Away. Please. At least STOP with the beat boxing and freakin' SING!

LaKisha: Run To Me - zzzzzzzz.... oh! (wiping drool from my bottom lip) I'm supposed to be watching LaKisha sing on American Id..zzzzzzz....

Jordin: Woman In Love - Started off a little rocky. Babs is hard to duplicate - and I don't think it has been done before on AI. Has it? She sounded good once she got started, but there were some pitchy spots. It is a perfect song for her range, but she didn't really pull it off. No chills.

After tonight I still think the final two will be Melinda and Jordin. Blake is going to get Chris', and possibly Phil's, votes. Jordin and Melinda have loyal fans (like me) that will vote their hearts out. I think LaKisha has slipped the past few weeks and really can't hold a candle to the other three.

I know... I know... that means I'm saying Blake is better. Don't get me wrong. I can't STAND the guy. I think he is only in it now because of his looks and his so-called originality. It may take him to the top three but he won't win it.

The next to go home? Should be Blake, but buh-bye, LaKisha.

Why?

Can someone please tell me why this Robin Thicke dude is so popular? He sings like someone is squeezing his balls... and the song just, basically, sucks.

Dead or Alive?

Quite a night! Jon Bon Jovi rocks the soccer mom highlights like no other!

It was fun seeing return of the Phil and the Phil's sweaty chemo head - excellent work man. I need you to keep sucking up for the squirm inducing goodness.

Lakisha was the best she's been since her big Jennifer Hudson barnburner way back. And she looked great, even when she squatted for the big note!

I was prepared to hate it but I couldn't, Blake, you beatoffboxed your way to brilliance. Taking a song with such an indelible sound and changing it up could have been disaster but I ate that shit up.

--------Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, we're halfway there----------

Now. Jordin, you were great on the chorus but nowhere else. My Paula moment: You looked pretty! But whose idea was it to put your big Amazon self in between those guitarists from the shire?

That was not Tina Turneresque, that was Melinda Doolittlelike. Not bad but not great. Tonight, you were no Lakisha.

Chris, you fell off the horse in your interview question, all through that song and with the look on your face when Simon opened his mouth. Bye bye baby bye bye.


My favourite part of any show is when Randy says 'you blew it out the box'. Keep saying that forever Randy, I love the imagery.

My kind of night... Let's ROCK!

Can I tell you how much I LOVE Bon Jovi? They were one of my first favorite hair bands. I actually saw them open for Ratt -- before they were infamous. Oh the nights I've spent listening to their songs, drinking with my friends and chilling. They just flat out rock.

I'm just going to make a blanket statement... I LOVE this song... I would wind up saying that for all the songs we hear tonight.

Let's see what happens...

Phil: Blaze of Glory -- WOW! That has to be his best performance ever. He's no Chris Daughtery or Jon Bon Jovi for that matter, but he did great! I even liked the get up he had on. He hung up the muppet look for the night.

Jordin: Livin' on a Prayer -- Not her best. I think she picked something too big for her. Shakey at the beginning but she did a great job with the chorus. I didn't like the Diana Ross hair either. Probably her weakest performance in a while. She's probably safe... but it may put her in the bottom.

LaKisha: This Ain't a Love Song -- Not a "known" song, so it sounded original. She sounded great. It was a good choice for her. She could release that one and it would be at the top of the charts. She looked freakin' ANGRY. But it was a great performance. She's safe.

Blake: You Give Love a Bad Name -- God I hope he doesn't beat box to this song! And what's up with the dark hair? I understand wanting to be original and wanting to make it your own -- BUT -- don't ruin it by spitting in the microphone. I agree with Jon... this is a singing competition... not beat box. I KNOW that is what he is all about, but come on! When he sang, he sang well -- I just can't stand the other stuff he did. The judges loved it... I didn't. I guess I'm a purist and very protective of the songs I love.

Chris: Wanted Dead or Alive -- Such a tough song. He doesn't have the gravelly sound you need for this song. I don't see Chris driving a Harley and being a bad guy... he's more of a souped up, rice burner type of kid... know what I mean? I didn't like it. He needs to be the next to go. I agree with Simon - he did the best he could possibly do.

Melinda: Have a Nice Day -- For someone that isn't a rocker she did a great job. You can tell she wasn't too comfortable with it, but I think she was awesome! LaKisha beat her in this round, but she will still be safe.

Loved tonight!

Bottom two? Chris and Blake.... Buh bye, Chris.

Share The Love

Because it's early days in my relationship with Beckeye and I don't want to step out on her, I'm going to test the waters by asking if she's into a threeway with Chancelucky. As long as the dogs don't get to watch, I'm good to go. What?! I'm talking about a blog reading party.

Chancelucky wrote his thoughts on Idol Cares in a brilliant piece that you can find here. He's a consistently thoughtful and artful writer and that's about all you need to know isn't it?

Pop Goes The Eye

I hereby officially and openly declare my love of Beckeye at The Pop Eye for her excellent summation of last night's proceedings on Idol Gives Back.

Imagine

Imagine Melinda the winner.

Jordin's rendition of 'You'll Never Walk Alone" brought a tear. I think she is an old soul, how else can she have that much feeling and be 17?

I'm glad I have closed captioning because I could not understand a word LaKisha was singing last night.

Blake, Phil and Chris were just bad. Enough said.

I am glad at least some of the money will go for something good. The judges certainly do not deserve the millions they are probably getting for this gig. Randy gushing over Chris was just plain bad. And can Paula ever sit up straight in her chair. I may not agree with all of Simon's critiques but at least he sits up and looks the contestant in the eye. I still think he is a jerk much of the time.

Blake

Is it me or does anyone else think Blake Lewis looks like Robin Williams....

Careless Whisper

I'm glad it's the phone calls that are raising the money and not the performances.

It was a veritable suckfest with the exception of Chris who learned how not to choose nasally as a style choice and Melinda who's the easy pro of the bunch.

Imagine we could see your teeth when you sing instead of just your Muppet nose Blake. Everyone else was a little Randy Jackson in places tonight.

It was nice to see another side of Simon though, the side that's not afraid to wear the puffy shirt from his Seinfeld box set.

I don't know if I can sit through this...

... but I'm going to try. I think I'm just bored with this year and am ready for it to be over. This is prolonging the agony.

Wow... Simon almost in tears. I never thought I would see that!

Songs that inspire... ***heavy sigh***

Chris: Pitchy at the beginning. At least he's not nasally... Nice ending - as Paula would say "he made it his own".

Melinda: She gives me chills and is, truly, the only reason I keep on watching this year. I'm not crazy about the song choice, but she did a great job (even if at one point I felt like she was yelling). I still love her and think she's a star.

Blake: Imagine is one of my all time favorite songs and I wanted to hate it, but Blake did a good job. He did it respectfully and beautifully. I'm not a huge Blake fan, but I enjoyed it. It wasn't a show stopper. It was nice.

LaKisha: It started off a little shaky, but she held it together. Great job. I even got a few chills. I don't understand what Paula was saying... don't do Fantasia? Comparing Fantasia to Celine, Mariah, and Chaka Khan? I don' think so!

Phil: Nice voice, but boring performance. Is this show not over yet?

Jordin: Fantastic. What more can I say? The best of all six seasons? I wouldn't go that far. Maybe the best of the night, but NOT for six seasons.

I'm inspired to dance when I hear certain songs... I'm inspired to call friends with when I hear songs that remind me of them. Not all inspiring songs are sad, sappy, or slow. I understand the message that AI is trying to convey, but tonight was kind of, I don't know, sad. Depressing. Heartwrenching. Am I wrong? I was depressed tonight, but it was SO nice watching the show without cringing or wishing I was watching something else.

Praise the heavens that Sanjaya is GONE! Now if only his 15 minutes were completely up... and I didn't have to see him on the talk shows. Go AWAY!

Bottom Three: Phil, LaKisha, and Chris.

Buh-bye, Phil.

Fergie is a whore

Get those lady lumps off the damn stage, freak.

Art Garfunkel is Certifiable

On the UK version of AI, they've edited out Simon's eyeroll, and Cat Deeley is sitting with Art Garfunkel critiquing the show. Art's favourites? Although he is a self-confessed "Fanjaya" and thinks that Sangaya has true star quality, he also loves the "texture" Chris's nasally warbling adds to his voice, and thinks Phil is a supertalent.

Art, people already think curly hair is an indication of crazy. Please shut the hell up.

Who is the Worst Now?

Vote For The Worst now endorses Phil Stacey.

I know they're spoiled for choice, but frankly I think they should have gone another way. Don't get me wrong, it's fun to call him NosPhilratu, and my skin goes cold when he walks on the stage, but his vocals have gotten a lot better. Never having been abducted by aliens myself, I actually don't mind that much when he turns his glowing head towards the camera and points with that other worldly stare. If he used a little Dove Summer Glow and grew out that head stubble a little he wouldn't be nearly as upsetting.

Chris, on the other hand, has no facial expression, sings with a ridiculously nasal voice, and has too many tiny teeth in his head. I think maybe he comes from a long line of flossers and so the Richardsons have replaced 32 normal size teeth with 64 teeny tiny ones for extra flossing fun. And all that flossing makes them kind of pointy, so I worry that some day he's going to accidentally penetrate the mic screen and electrocute himself mid performance. Which might be a reason to keep him, actually.

Which brings us to Blake. Who is probably the cutest of the three remaining guys, but whose annoying perkiness and beat boxing wore me out before we even got to the finals. What a prat. And then there's also the part about how he seems to get more tonedeaf each week and looks stoned most of the time. The only thing that could convince me to let him stay is to promise me that next week he'll perform as the mole in a moster Whack A Mole game with a giant hammer coming down from the sky as he does that bouncy little hip hop dance he's so fond of.

I would not put any of the girls up yet. I have a soft spot for Jordin because she's got some talent even if she does smile a bit more than I generally allow. Melinda actually looks like she has a neck on country western night, and her performances are always dead on so I'm happy to see her stay around. (Confidential to CP...did you see the interview where Melinda says she listens to Kirk Franklin every day because she "needs to get her Jesus on?" Lakisha is listening to Yolanda Adams and left it at that. Both are innovative gospel artists fusing R&B and hip hop with traditional gospel music. Yolanda has been divorced twice, Kirk just went on Oprah with his wife to talk about how God helped him kick his sinful porn addiction. Are you SURE you love Mandisa Melinda? Be careful before you commit.)

And Lakisha. She is a chubby mess whose skirt is always slightly uneven getting caught on those lardy hips, and her boobs are so big I doubt she's seen her feet in years and she looks like she leaves a bit of clutter behind her wherever she goes. Rock on, my SISTAH! Lakisha Jones, the NEXT AMERICAN IDOL.

Happy Days Are Here Again

He's gone. Need I say more?

Drinks are on the house!!

Who's next...

... on the shit list?

Blake? Chris? Phil?

Notice none of the ladies are there? The only one slipping enough to go home is LaKisha and I still can't bring myself to bash her. YET.

I might enjoy the show again.

Thank GOD he's gone.

It's Official

Sangina can now concentrate on his hair full time.

Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue

I like Martina McBride. She has a beautiful voice but tunes always bring a tear.

When Sanyuck looks in the mirror does he really say "OOH cool hair." Has he no shame? Will he allow anything to be done to him. Was he channeling a washer woman? Off, off, off!! VOTE HIM OFF NOW!!! Glad Randy & Simon said it like I thought it. Can Paula even tell the truth?

Jordin & LaKisha were very good. LaKisha should not wear those boots but this is not a fashion contest. If by some travesty of justice Melinda does not win then I hope the winner will be Jordin.

Phil, Blake & Chris were so-so. Chris voice is more suited to country. Still don't care for any of them. At least Phil didn't wear one of his ugly hats. Blake should not wear argyle when singing country.

So what if Melinda has no neck. Get over it. She has a beautiful voice. Does anyone else think she wears a wig? I like her innocence but if she wins & I am hoping she does, she will soon lose it in La-La Land. Too bad. She is the winner, hands down.

Countdown

Phil Stacey was good. Someone must have told him black is slimming. Sanjaya sucked especially hard tonight. I guess the gag reflex is finally letting up.

Jordin didn't suck, though I was doing dishes during her song and was distracted by remnants of our bean & ham soup. (Delicious!)

Lakisha had some funky ass boots and tried to scream that Jesus song. Slipping.

Chris sounded like an amateur. Getting a bit late for that in this contest. It sounded like dueling banjos between him & that violin. Simon is going to rip him a new ass. Overall, Chris is utterly forgettable. I even forgot his name before writing this paragraph.

I'm beginning to see what y'all mean about Melinda not having a neck. It's like her head is planted directly onto her shoulders. But no matter. Melinda will be the first neckless American Idol. Love my baby.

Blake: sucked ass tonight. I cannot believe not one judge mentioned that he was NOWHERE near the pitch during the high singer part. Horrible.

Done.

Country night

I love country music so I'm hoping I will enjoy tonight. I think Martina McBride is gorgeous... I just hope she is honest with the contestants.

Here we go!

Phil: It sounded pretty good, but not a lot of umph in his moves... I would rather see some dancing or movement instead of walking around the audience. That was one of his best performances though. A lot better than the last few weeks.

Jordin: Martina is HARD to sing... After that performance Melinda better watch out! That was amazing! Amazing. I don't care what your age is, if you sing like that you deserve to be a star.

Sanjaya: Tonight is the doo-rag look. My hubby says he looks like Chaka Khan on crack... I think he looks worse. Like Justin Guarini in "To Kelly From Justin". Yeah that bad. But not as bad as this song; or the scrunched up, constipated look on his face when he sings. He just sucks and how dare he try to do Bonnie? She should kick. his. ass. That was AWFUL!

LaKisha: Good song for her. Shows her vocals, emotions, and connection to the lyrics. I thought she was slipping last week, and she may still be on the downhill slide. She didn't hold that all important note; she also sounded a little garbled... but I think she did a fine job, but she's done better.

Chris: Now -- I am a HUGE Rascall Flatts fan. HUGE. He needs to stop RIGHT now. He has the nasally vocals of Gary, but he can't hold a candle. Very pitchy. The chorus sounding OK... I can give him that, but the rest of it was bad. Bottom two.

Melinda: Do I need to say anything? I think you will all know what I have to say. Fantastic, fabulous, wonderful, marvelous... I have nothing more. Give her the title. Period. I was glad to see Simon tell her to lose the "surprise" look all the time. That is her only issue. She needs to realize she is a champion and stop looking so shocked when people tell her so.

Blake: Sounded a little pitchy. Not his best performance. May be in trouble.

My hubby's picks for the bottom two: Chris and LaKisha. I say ditto....

I REALLY want Sanjaya to go home, but I have a feeling he won't. He will stay until Phil and Chris are gone... at least.

This is not a joke...

Guess who the Maxim Online Girl of the Day is?

Click here to find out!

Malakar Cocktail

It was tough but I did it! I didn't check this blog until I got home from vacation to see who'd sung what, who'd gotten the boot and who'd be at least as horrifying as Don Imus in their description of their unbridled love of Sanjaya!

Why won't everyone just admit that with the Lee Press On stubble, he looked at least as virile as Marc Anthony?

Is Simon's promise to leave the show as serious a pronouncement as the one UB40 made years ago when Margaret Thatcher was up for re-election? They recorded a song called If It Happens Again, I'm Leaving. She was re-elected and they stayed put.

The whole night I felt like I was watching a Jerry Lewis MDA telethon from the 1980's. All the performances made me feel that way.

Melinda was great. Lakisha is starting to slip. Blake was not as great as everyone said. Chris was pretty good once he got comfortable with it. I prefer Phil with a hat, but I still want him gone... but not before Sanjaya.

Not sad to see Haley go. I think she would have had to wear a thong next week, and I'm not sure her ass could compete with her legs.

Sanjaya sang "Beseme Mucho" (or however it's spelled, I'm too lazy to look it up, and really don't care that much). That song just reminds me of one of the Naked Gun movies.

J-Lo has very nice posture, and made me think about my own horrible posture all night.

Hey, Hey, That's My Vagina

Who else thinks the judge's Tuesday-night-kindness towards Sangina was an attempt to reverse psychologize all those Vote-for-the-Worst supporters? It's not going to work. I think that gay little rat will be in the final two. And he knows it. I hate smug foreigners.

Please explain

Remember how much the guys sucked when it was girls one night, guys the other? Remember how they were completely tone deaf and practically unwatchable?

So why the FUCK are there four of them and only three women left in the competition???

Or does Sangaya count as a girl?

How did we end up here?

Remember the first posts this season, when we were all complaining about how bad the guys sucked and that a lot of the gals were great? Well now we have 4 guys and only 3 gals, folks. Democracy seems to working about as well at American Idol as it did during the 2000 presidential "elections." I'm beginning to smell a rat. Or was that just Sangaya forgetting to wash his hair?

(Bad joke. No gay man would ever let his hair get that dirty.)

Speaking of Sangaya, I liked his little remark about having some sort of private meeting with J-Lo, and not telling Marc Anthony about it. What is he proposing to do with her, swap makeup secrets?

My beloved Melinda is still safe, which is really all I care about at this point. I'm thinking I'd like to see her go head to head with Blake and then kick him in the pants. I don't think Blake is a singer at all, but I do kinda like the kid. Not even sure why. He's not even cute, really. Just something about him. Maybe it's that bukake film we saw him in last week.

Love,
CP

Hell to the No

Phil Stacey makes my vagina clamp like Shylock's fabled fist, so I was really sorry to see Haley go. But she's a whore with nice legs and will probably earn a nice living blowing rich Mexicans back in Texas.

And Jennifer Lopez's punctuational laughter is fucking annoying. I can't wait until she dies in some kind of jet wreck.

Breaking News

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad


" I will not return the British soldiers until America votes Sanjaya off IDOL."

I Like the Latin Beat

Well there was more energy last night than any other night.

Blake did well. Surprising to me. Can't stand those hats Phil wears.

Sanjaya, the mustache and chin fuzz does not a man make. At first I thought it was drawn on. Of course JLo likes Sany, he is small in stature like her hubby.

Haley knows where to apply her "talents". Shorts & push up bras, unfortunately I agreed with Simon on this.

That said...

Mindy is right on (boy that dates me) about Melinda, LaKisha & Jordin. Melinda was super and a perfect song and I still think she should win but it will be a difficult choice among the three. They did indeed kick ass.

Simon is the same ass he always is. Paula is back to gushing. Randy is just along for the ride.

Valerie's View - April 10, 2007

Random thoughts on tonight's episode:

JLo seemed pretty down to earth. I'm not a big JLo fan, don't love her, don't hate her (her husband is Skeletor, but that's another story)...her forehead looked grayish though. I don't know what was up with her make-up. Normally, she looks really polished and put together, but that grayish forehead was bugging me all night long.

Who was that guy with Sanjaya's sister? Was that her boyfriend, because he looked familiar enough that he might be someone kind of famous? Was he someone that was at Hollywood Week? That English guy that sang with Chris Sligh's group? Can't remember his name. Maybe that's not even him...

Sanjaya was really working the cameraman tonight.

Jordin makes Ryan Seacrest look smaller and smaller each week. I don't think that Jordin is that big of a girl, I think that Ryan is that small!

Chris Sligh has his blog back up and it's a fairly interesting read.

I almost missed it!

Our power has been out for the last two hours... it seems some dipshit hit a power pole and a fire hydrant but kept on going...

I almost missed tonight's Latin performance with guest ho --er-- mentor, J-Lo. I can't wait to see how Sanjaya does singing Ricky Martin! (I'm kidding... I don't know what he'll decide to screw up this week) I only hope Miss Big Booty is honest with everyone... and that they take her advice.

Mickey Dolenz is in da house! Loved him in the Monkees! Anyhoo...

Here we go!

Melinda: Love her. Don't have anything else to say. Everyone else needs to just pack up and go home. I love the way she doesn't "pimp" her number, too. She is such a professional!

LaKisha: I can't listen to this song without thinking of one of my Richard Simmon's exercise tapes (It's OK... go ahead and laugh. I rocked RS back in my heavier days. His tapes are a blast to workout to.... I'm totally serious!). You can't do this song without sounding karaoke... and that is what it sounded like to me. Not one of my favorites for her. I know she showed personality and danced around, but I didn't think she sounded that great. For once I agree with Paula! She was "safe".

Chris: It started too low for him and he was off pitch a lot of the song. Bottom three for sure -- unless the Gina contingent moves their votes to him. I don't know if I heard the same song the judges heard. I don't agree with Simon that it was better than Melinda, though. Nope.

Hayley: OMG - another song from one of my Richard Simmons tapes! Holy crap. I need to do some aerobics. I swear her outfits get SHORTER every week... am I the only one that sees that? (Nope Simon noticed) I couldn't understand a word she sang... totally a cruise ship performance. I wish I had her legs though. Bottom three.

Phil: That sounded pretty good! I'm not a huge Phil phan, but that was the best I've heard from him in a long time. His voice cracked a couple of times, but I can overlook that. His look still creeps me out, though. He's a Muppet.

Jordin: I'm afraid she is the one person that could possibly take this from Melinda. I heard a theory that the Melinda/LaKisha vote could cancel each other out leaving the door wide open for someone else. That would be Jordin. She was fantastic and really put a nice twist on a song that is easily a "cruise ship performance" trap. She is SOOOOO safe.

Blake: What's with the Thurston Howell/Gilligan look tonight? I liked the song -- didn't love it -- but I was distracted by his silly foot moves. The girls love him, don't they? I think he's cute, but I don't see him taking it from the three ladies.

Sanjaya: OK -- he needs to shave the piddly hair from his chin. That's disturbing! Another hair change... he is SUCH a girly boy! He's not dancing around this week, so that isn't distracting. The wink gave me a cringe. Dare I say it? It wasn't too bad! Oh, N.V., I'm bracing for the onslaught... He sounded better than Hayley and Phil! Admitting that makes my stomach hurts! Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.

I wasn't too bored this week. They were fun performances.

Bottom three: Hayley, Phil and - hopefully - Sanjaya. I think it will be Chris, though. J-Lo said she likes Sanjaya so he'll stay another week on that comment alone.

Topline observations

Haley is apparently naked AND illiterate.

I bet Blake's show choir won top honours at state.

Please start wearing sunglasses, Phil. Your eyes are other-worldly and I'm afraid you're going to steal my soul.

Sangaya looked sleazy AND sang off tune. Is that a double treat or what? And I think he's got a crush on Tony B. He looked like he wanted to devour him.

The guys from Good Charlotte did commentary in the UK, and they made fun of Gina's rocker image. "OOH. I bet she has a tattoo on her ankle. Scaarry." And then they made a tongue gesture that looked disturbingly like a cunnilingus gesture a cab driver in the next vehicle made to me once when I was stopped at a light in Chicago at 3 in the AM.

I never ever thought I would like Chris. Ever.

Lakisha, Melinda and Jordin kicked ass. Seriously. Kicked. Ass.

I'll hang in for a few more weeks just to see them.

What Contest in Hell did I Win??

CP responded to my blog, "Jake's Mom" when I was venting about something and saying I needed a distraction. He invited me to watch Idol and then blog with the others on this very blog. I didn't realize he just getting back at me for when I colored in the lines. Big sisters aren't very considerate of a younger siblings self confidence connected with coloring well. Sorry CP, I take it back...now make the bad IDOL go away.

I still have hope that Melinda wins. But even that is being clouded by the Sanjaya curse. He's like that junk that forms in the inner corner of your eyes. You wipe it away but the next day it shows up again. YUCK.

Gina was far more talented. They could have taken Blake, Phil any of the others (except Melinda, Lakeisha or Gina). I hope something good comes for her from this travesty. And I hope Sanjaya ends up at Disneyland as one of the costumed performers. Mikey, Minne, Daisy(not Goofy, my husband likes him).

CP take me away...............................................

"It was your best performance. This is all about knowing who you are, choosing the right song. The transformation from 3-4 weeeks ago to tonight is literally chalk and cheese."
--To Gina, March 27

This show is tragic. How anyone could vote Gina out before that bushy browed non-talented shemale is beyond me!

I thought Gina really proved herself over the last few weeks. I'm pissed off...

Valerie's View - April 3, 2007

I was at my brother's for dinner tonight and got to watch the last half of AI with my ten-year-old niece (Jenny) and 12 year-old-nephew (Jonathan).

When Chris came out, Jenny called him a, "Justin Timberlake Poser." I love it! I shortened it to JT Poser. When will he wake up and realize he's NOT JT?

I thought Gina looked good tonight. Normally her make up is a little too harsh, but her make up looked pretty (I didn't care for her hairstyle though).

Jonathan "likes" Sanjaya. I think because he wants to root for the underdog. I liked how Sanjaya danced with Paula.

While watching Haley, my sister-in-law commented that she didn't know who she (Haley) was. I told her about Simon not remembering her name a few weeks ago. Poor Haley.

I just realized I haven't commented on anyone's singing...hmmm...that in itself is a comment on this whole season.

Stony End

You know when Tony Bennett walked in the room, everyone's head turned but Melinda's because, well, you know. He seemed in pretty good shape though for a guy who's being held together with hair glue and my Dad's glasses.

As a 43 year old schlub, I know I cannot rock a pair of plaid pants the way Tony did on that album cover or the way Blake does and I'm not even sure why I'd want to. I did enjoy Blake's Mack the Knife very much even if I'm always distracted by his Muppet nose.

Dolores Hope could have breathed more life into Night & Day than Phil did. This may have been because he said he was trying to focus on his wife and to that I say 'if my wife looked like she was carved out of cream cheese, I'd keep my eye on her too'. The sweat on his head though? Very convincing.

Next up: Melinda "I've Got Rhythm But I Still Ain't Got No Neck" Doolittle! It was nice of Lakisha to lend her last week's dress but without question, Melinda was pretty awesome as always.

Chis sang a decent version of Don't Get Around Much Anymore but I hate that whole suspenders hanging off a get up look. Don't be so white trash Chris, that'll shine through on it's own. My favourite version of Don't Get Around Much...is in the film Living Out Loud. Someone does a karaoke version that Holly Hunter heckles the hell out of. Queen Latifah's in it too and does some excellent pre-Chicago singing and acting. Rent it. You'll either love it or hate me.

I disagreed with the judges completely on 'Magnet of Joy' Jordin. I love her, think she oozes charm, fun and talent but On A Clear Day made my ears bleed and I'm pretty sure I heard a couple of neighborhood dogs complaining too. Did anyone else think that was a key or two too high?

When Tony was talking about the song Smile (Charlie Chaplin wrote this? Really? Cool!), he said it's a song that gives you hope in your darkest moment. You mean like that time you were too coked up to sing at the Sands in Vegas Tony? Oh, no, you meant 9/11. Gina, I loved your version of the song except when I started to think about what that piercing would feel like on my, never mind.

Sanjaya, I think when Tony said he was a big fan, he thought you were Sanjaya Davis Jr.

I disagreed once again with the judges on Haley. She did a quite decent performance of Ain't Misbehavin' even if her new theme song should be called Give A Little Tit.

And for my last disagreement, I choose you Lakisha! I did not think that was outstanding although when you did the little skirt tug and squat, I had a good snort. What bugs me is that you ignored Tony's advice the way you ignored Lulu's advice. Advice is given to help, not to help fuck you up. Clearly, you're among the top talents. Use the force wisely.

Seabreeze out.

Top (?) 9

Annnnddd, here we go again.

Tonight's mentor is Tony Bennett. Hmmm... I have a feeling this is going to be boring. This genre of music is perfect for LaKisha and Melinda; the rest I'm not so sure about. We shall see...

Blake: He sounds like a lounge lizard -- like he should be in a hotel lounge singing to a bunch of drunk women. At least he didn't beat box to it.. just a little scatting.

I'm afraid all of these songs are going to sound like his... this isn't MY favorite genre of music so it will be hard for me to be biased.

Phil: Yawn... next

Melinda: She could sing the phone book and I'd love it. She sounded great -- the dress was horrible, but I can over look that. She is fantastic. Perfect song for her. I really wish she'd get over the "I can't believe you said that"though and REALIZE she is the BEST.

Chris: More bouncing. I think he's really a looker. It was better than Phil and Blake's fo sho. He should be safe... the girls love him.

GAWD I hate these songs!

Jordin: She has an amazing voice for a seventeen year old kid. She made the old song sound new. I was impressed with that performance. Completely impressed. That last note was AMAZING! I can see her in the top 4...

Gina: Her hair looked silly. I don't think she was in time with the music, but her voice sounded great. I was a little bit bored, but it was different for her. Something slow. Nice. I agree that she was out sung by the other two ladies. She has major competition with Melinda, Jordin and LaKisha.

Sanjaya: What's up with his hair tucked behind his ears? The stylists need to stop this crap -- or is it HIS idea? He's such a girly boy! I can't LOOK at him (is he trying to grow some facial hair?!). He is so awkward and geeky. Hated it... again.

Hayley: Dayum... her dresses get shorter every week. No wonder she is staying in this! The frat boys want her to get down to nuttin... I guess if I had legs and/or a body like hers I would wear that stuff, too! I digress. Let's talk about the song. Eh. It was OK. More personality tonight, but still not the best of the pack. She should be going home either this week or next.

LaKisha: Very cabaret. She has a beautiful voice, but tonight she hit a couple of pitchy spots. I just wan't impressed. Sorry.

Well, I still don't like this type of music. I didn't hear anything to change that. Loved Melinda (of course) and Jordin... didn't like Sanjaya and Phil's performances. Wonder who it will be? I'm through trying to guess.

AI - UK style

Watching AI in the UK is more fun that watching it at home, with the minor exception that you likely already know the results before you actually see the performances. But if you could somehow shield yourself from finding out ahead of time watching it here is superior because

a) There are no commercials, so you don't have to go through that whole "...after the break..." thing

b) The Coca-Cola logos on the judges' cups are blurred out because Coke is not a sponsor of AI's broadcast here

c) You don't have to watch that stupid part where Ryan reads the voting phone number to you like you're some kind of retard

d) You don't have to watch the contestant do that stupid grin and make the sign of their voting number with their hands. I always thought that was vote-grubbing anyway. Bad form. (Note: Melinda doesn't do that. Hint hint.)

e) You get to watch the results show right after the performances, since it doesn't air here until Sunday morning.

f) There are extra interviews with the contestant who gets kicked off, where they tell you what happened after they got kicked off. (E.g. Chris told us that Simon came up to him and said "you're going home tonight because you temporarily lost your sparkle. But you'll get it back quickly because you're a star." Awwwwwwww.)

Done.