I Take It All Back

Earlier in the season, I wrote a post about how relieved I was that Simon was gone. I knew when I wrote this post that I would likely end up eating my words. Well, pass the ketchup, ya'll, it's dinner time and I'm hunkering down on some fresh verbiage.

Last night, the judges gave absolutely no criticism, except by omission. They said things like: "The chorus was great!" or "You got overwhelmed by the emotion of the song and it made a moment." When they should have been saying things like this:

Song #1

• Scotty: Boring! Next...
• Lauren: I get that you love that song, but it doesn't fit you; it's too old for you and I don't believe it coming from you.
• Haley: Well done. 

Song #2

• Scotty: That was a good song for you. You hit your target audience right on the nose, you cynical little bastard
• Lauren: That song about dying young was ghastly. You ran out of breath and you creeped me out with your joyful celebration of "You'll be sorry when I'm gone." I'm sorry; I just don't get it. 
• Haley: You should fire Jimmy Iovine for picking such an uninspiring Stevie Nicks tune. What a waste of a song. That said, you did the best you could with it. I hated the wind machine. 

Song #3

• Scotty: That song was too old for you; it was not authentic. Also, it was a cruise ship performance and smarmy. However, you did emote like the good little whore you are. I see a bright future for you, our next American Idol.
• Lauren: Fine for a beauty pagent, but not here. You sang like a robot and bored me to death. And stop touching Ryan or I'll shoot you.
• Haley: Cliched performance of a cliche song. And you forgot the words. Unforgivable at this time in the competition.That said, at least I believed that you probably have actually done most of what that song is talking about, so I believed it. Have fun as the runner-up! Maybe you and Crystal Bowersox can tour state fairs together or something. 

Simon: Forgive me for not railing against your departure! And know that you now have a devoted X-Factor fan. 

American Idol: Suck up judges make American Idol suck ass. 

Seacrest out. 

America: Did you refuse to look in the mirror?

I don't know what kind of nonsense Jacob was perpetrating with his remark last night. He said something like: If I'm in the bottom three tomorrow, it won't be because I sang badly; it will be because America refused to look in the mirror.

Let's unpack this...

He was singing Man in the Mirror, which recommends that we start changing the world with the man in the mirror, i.e. ourselves. So, if we, as citizens, refuse to look in the mirror, and decide not to "make it right" then, what? We have no other reason for voting for him? I thought we were supposed to vote for our favorite singers? I didn't realize we were responsible for pushing someone through because then we won't be a racist.

Besides, Jacob has not been in the bottom three so far, so I'm not sure why he's worried about it now. People seem to love him and vote for him. Maybe the passing of Thia and Naima really ticked him off, maybe their boot had the stink of ethnic cleansing. And he felt he needed to call us out. I'm pretty sure it wasn't race that got those two off the show. They kinda sucked ass.

I'm not offended that Jacob played the race card. I'm offended that somehow he thinks this show has some sort of social significance. That the voting here is a bellwether for the state of the nation. It's not. It's tweens and cougars voting their fingers to the bone. These groups are important, for sure, just not what I'd call a cross-section of our country. Get over yourself, Jacob. This show is pro-wresting set to music. .

I'm also offended that he asked me to dig deep into my soul before I decide who to vote for on American Idol. Doesn't this kid know that watching this show means forgetting about your ever-living soul for 3 product placement packed hours a week? Doesn't he realize that the people who win this show are the people who say "yes, ma'am/sir" the most and the loudest? That only the best trained show dogs win?  How does the winner of American Idol really reflect on this nation? I'll tell you how: It doesn't.

I believe that he is so wrapped up in what he is doing that he has no perspective. What he said was unnecessary and those who do vote are going to make him pay. Or not. Maybe they'll be challenged to save the last brown person to prove they are not racist and he'll be carried off the stage on the shoulders of the other contestants as they sing "We Shall Overcome." Stranger things have happened. Still, it's unlikely.

In the mean time, let me speak directly to AI contestants: This isn't as important as you think it is. Think about it. Do you know the names of any of the top 10 from any other season, even last season? Can you even name all the winners? I can't and I've been an avid fan since episode one. Think about that fact and consider what you might say going forward. Fans of this show do not like it when any contestants, regardless of their diversity, get too big for their britches and fans usually send them packing. So, stay humble and respect the institution. If you'd like to change the world, I suggest you join the Peace Corp or the Red Cross or the Black Panthers. Don't use AI as a forum for change. Not only won't you be able to affect change, you'll also get voted off. It's a lose-lose situation.

Enjoy your time in the sun and try to parlay it into bigger and better things. And then you can use your fame to change the world, like Bono did. But don't make the mistake of thinking that what your doing here is going to have a lasting impact on the American zeitgeist. It won't. I'm just trying to save you some time.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Let's face it; everyone pretty much kicked ass last night, even Rod McDrunkstewart. I don't know if they got the monitors fixed for the little hamsters or if everyone is over whatever head colds they were suffering or what.

If all were right in the world and America didn't find oddball crusades and try to prove their point with their dialing fingers, then Thia should go home tonight. The crusades happened a lot when Simon was on the show and he'd rip someone a new one. America got all protective and tried to saved the ripee. But the judging has been more positive as a whole, so really, this has been unneccessary. Therefore, Thia should go.

But...

My worst fear is that Naima will go instead. I love her beyond reason. She's got the best rags to riches story going. And she is so different. I'd really like to see her get far in the competition. But everytime I pin my hopes on someone on this stupid show, I end up with nothing the next day.

We'll see tonight.

Actually, if all is fair, Thia should go home. But my dream within a dream is that there's a shocker elimination and Pia goes. Who needs her diva crap? Not me. The only problem is the judging monkeys would probably save her if she didn't get the votes.

Poor Japan...

They're not going to get any money from Idol songs on iTunes after last night's crap fest.

Norman? No More, Man!

Norman Gentle is from a few seasons back. I don't know which; they all bleed together. But he's over there to your right looking very earnest in his headband. But his time has come; so says Coaster Punchman, who has been dragged back to Blogtopia kicking and screaming.

Let's find a new mascot, shall we? Remember to vote for your favorite (in the comments) so he/she doesn't get sent to obscurity. This...is American Idolatry.



The Chosen One: An Original Recipe Bucket 'O Dysfunction + Lambertesque Vocals



The Monkey: A Portrait of Misplaced Whimsy

Idolus Prime: Gone In 60 Seconds



Howler: Earnestness Via 'Nad Squeezing



Medusa Ladyman: Doing His Best To Look Like Paula Abdul

The Snakeman: The Best in Jaw Dislocation

The Wanderer: All who wander are not lost...but this one probably is

The Yogakranian: I would feel better knowing where she was at all times so I could protect my vital organs

Place your votes in the comments. If my spammer friend out comments you, I'm going with the Yogakranian.

Flannery out.

Phew! The Auditions Are Over!

I heart Drew Beaumier, so clever. Too bad his catalytic converter interfered with his vocals

Bring on Hollywood so I can forget these people some more. 

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

It's so strange to watch American Idol and not have the same baggage I used to have to carry around in order to watch this show. For instance:

• I don't have to care about Simon Cowell anymore. Simon was like a breath of stale air when he sniped his way into the American pop culture landscape and I felt compelled to be interested in him, like it was my duty. People were sure he was the glue that held that titanic together. They couldn't have been more wrong. Ryan Seacrest is that glittery glue. I'm fairly relieved to now be watching a better show and Simon laughing his way to the bank in the sunset. Syonara, you little minx!
  
• I don't have to care about Paula Abdul anymore. Let's face it, I never really did care for her. Otherwise I wouldn't have prayed for her to fall off the wagon every week (cross that off the list too)
  
• I don't have to care whether Paula and Simon slept together. The show kept trying to sell us that story line. I wasn't buying it; she's way too old for him.
  
• I don't have to care about Randy Jackson anymore. He's so far in the background now as to be inconsequential. We've got the scene chewing Tyler and the mesmerizing Jennifer Lopez. Randy who?

I am hopeful that AI has turned a corner from that snot nosed punk of an upstart show to a young adult living on her own in the city for the first time kind of show. There seemed to be far less time spent in these early episodes on the mentally ill and far more time spent on people you might want to learn more about. Someday. After Hollywood. 

Right now, I'm tuning in early and am buoyed by the lightness I'm feeling, having sloughed off layers of bullshit armor that I had to don to protect myself while I hoped that maybe I would bear witness to Something Great. 

I'm pretty sure I'll be sorry I watched at some point. But I hope those moments aren't in the majority. I'm not asking for too much, am I?

******

Edited to add: The title of this post is from a nice spammer who comments here regularly. It's something I'd repeat if you would post something new, Dale, Marni, n.v., Melinda June, Coaster Punchman, Amy, Bluez, Bubs, Jacob's Mom, Nurse Ratchet and Valerie. 

Are You Ready?

I don't know...it looks like someone is going to be a handful. My poor Ryan already looks exhausted. And that's with Steven Tyler's lighting.

So, New Judges Anyone?

It's really a sad time for Idol fans because change is hard. But we all knew it was coming, right? Simon's a pretty smart guy and knows when to take the money and run. And Fox finally smelled the writing on the wall and ditched Kara. And I'm thinking that Ellen's stint was just a lark.

I'm glad they've reduced the judgery back down to three members. In my opinion, having a fourth judge is redundant, since the talent offered up can only really bring about a maximum of two reactions. There isn't enough gradation in the performances to warrant more than one or two opinions. Four judges just meant one opinion voiced three times and Simon's opinion, which is boring. Trust me. I've done the math.

Fortunately, for the sake of continuity, we still have Ryan Seacrest, the glue that holds the Titanic together. And in a nod to tradition, Randy Jackson also remains. On a side note, I'm thinking that if you look up Peter Principal in the dictionary, you'll find Randy Jackson's picture. But now we have to take a closer look at the personalities who will flank them.

Steven Tyler: Aged rock star made entirely of oak and beef jerky.

Pros:

• Has actually made a "hit record"
• Shares a closet with Paula Abdul
• At any given moment is probably loaded, so will bring the nonsense, Abdul-style
• Has sold out to commercialism, so can advise contestants on how best to transfer their souls to a marketing machine with the fewest amount of ancillary fees

Cons:

• Very difficult to look at
• Will likely bring his own ridiculous vocabulary (think: pitchy) that we'll be pummeled with as soon as one of his turns of phrase takes off
• His presence will warrant an "Aerosmith" theme night, during which will suck mightily

 J-Lo: Talented and Bored Celebrity with Some Credibility

Pros:

• Can be charming and worked well with contestants last season
• Has legitimate music and film experience
• Will likely be able to put both Randy and ST in their places when necessary
• She won't be making another album while she's on this show

Cons:

• She may be in danger of taking the role of judge/mentor too seriously and becoming a bore

Overall, it should be an interesting experiement to see if Idol can survive on its own merits or if it really was the personalities of the judgest that kept it from sinking.

What do you think?

The Whole Is Greater than the Sum of its Parts

So, I'm watching American Idol at my parents' house while I'm working with my cousins on a Memory Board for my dearly departed Grandma. It's on a tri-fold board and it looks like a page from a giant scrap book. It really is beautiful. And we made a huge mess: pictures everywhere, bits of paper on the floor, half-empty cans of Diet Coke. But I did turn on American Idol so that Wendi and I could watch it together. She's on the road a lot and I usually only get to touch base with her through Facebook.

She's currently assisting a minister with one good leg and one prosthetic leg walk the perimiter of the US, planting crosses every mile. The minister, Carol, is almost done. She plans on finishing in Miami, where she started, on New Years Eve. Usually Wendi doesn't even have access to TV and I have to let her know who got voted off by posting it on her wall.

So, we're together watching Idol with my other cousin, Rachel, who doesn't watch. But we were so absorbed in our task that I don't really remember any of the performances. I was however disgusted by Jamie Foxx's t-shirt gimick. OMG! That was so stupid. I wanted those "contestants" to shove those t-shirts back in his face and say, "Artist, Shmartist! It's a fucking game show, dawg!" Oh, it was gross.

But we were caught up in the duet with Casey and Mike, neither of whom I get. I don't like their music. I don't like their stories. I don't want to hear their crappy albums, so I hope they don't win. I want to say, "Nikki McKibbin, anyone?" and promptly forget I ever knew them.

And then they sang together. And it was like butter. I don't remember what they were singing but I was struck by how good they sounded. And I wanted to hear more of that. Maybe someday, they'll tour together like Ruben and Clay. By then I should have some disposable income I could blow on tickets to see them at the fair.

So, thank you, American Idol, for presenting something I've been looking for this season: Some musical magic. And it couldn't have come to me at a better time. It almost makes me want to forgive you for the Kara Dioguardi interpretation of Casey singing "Mrs. Robinson." Gag me.

Was Harry Connick, Jr. Auditioning for Simon's Job Last Night?

I don't know about you, but I thought last night looked like it might be a trial run for putting HCJ at the grumpy end of the judges panel. Here's why:

• He wasn't afraid to slag contestants (see Casey)
• He proved he could take what Ellen dished out
• He showed that he would add value by taking a hands-on approach to the contestants (and not necessarily in a dirty way)
• He certainly can be easy on the eyes if you don't look directly at him (just like Simon).
• He'll give Ryan a run for his spray tan supplies.
• And his accent is cute.
  

Note for the future AI: It might be nice to rotate the people who sit in the grumpy chair every season. Here's my list for the next 7 seasons:

• Sue Sylvester


• Cyndi Lauper


• Meatloaf


• Coaster Punchman


• Alf


• Weird Al

Thank God No One Sang "Imagine"!

I was worried when I saw Casey in a white jacket. That song is played, dawg! It's so played, it has entered the realm of Ziggy. But all worry was for naught.

Actually, if you subtract one digereedoo, one piper and Aaron, this is the best Idol has ever been. And Glass Blower was my favorite. I thought her "Across the Universe" was like a vocal ballet: feminine, restrained and beautiful.

Filling Paula's shoes

After another week of singing, I remain committed to my top twelve picks.

Thus far, the most interesting part of this season is the judging dynamic. Ellen may be Paula's replacement, but Kara is sure doing everything she can to take her place. She cuddles up to Simon. She flirts desperately with contestants. She talks crazy talk apropos of nothing. Tonight, she couldn't speak because she was weeping after Mike Lynche's performance, and she couldn't even collect herself before the credits rolled.

Keep trying, Kara. Paula's crazy is patented, and you look even sillier than normal trying to replicate it.

Danny Gokey appears on Idol! And his new single is either:

a) a slap in the face to his dead wife (I loved you but you died so I'm going to go find something better!)

b) a blatant pander to his Christian Cougar voting base in hopes of beating Adam and Kris on the Billboard charts (seriously, dude...you're not even 30 yet so why are you singing about how age is just a number?)

c) a happy combination of both.

Danny Gokey. All class. All the time. Oh. And guess what you're getting for you next birthday, CP.

Committed, part 2

Wow. The girls pose a problem for me. Although Simon has said he thinks it's a girl's contest this year I definitely disagree. I can't give you three, let alone six, that I like.

I'm on board with my two faves - Crystal Bowersox and Katelyn Epperly.

Beyond that, hmmm.

I guess I'll say yes to Siobhan Magnus after all. And I still don't hate Paige Miles so much that I fast forward the Tivo when she sings, so she can stay.

Two more. Yikes.

Which is worse? Crapping your pants or puking on your shirt?

Lilly Scott lived in her car. Let's keep her so she has a bed and a shower for a few weeks before she goes back to busking.

The rest I think I'll throw to the gods. If they toss it back and make me pick a sixth, I guess I'll take that waitress with the blonde hair, but I'm hoping I'll figure out that the gods are calling and screen the call.

I'm ready to commit

Mike Lynche. Casey James. Andrew Garcia. Lee Dewyze. Four square fan.

Alex Lambert needs a haircut, but if he ditches the mullet I am tentatively on board.

Aaron Kelly, I've decided to support you even though you sang, "My Girl." I have to pick six boys so you can be one of them. You should say a little prayer of thanks for Jermaine and Todrick.

And then there were 20

One for four. Boy, am I off this year. All in all, both of these show sucked and there are maybe 5 contestants I'd actually like to hear sing again. God help us.

Twelve handsome gents

Kara badly wants Simon to want her. She's fawning. But she's no Paula. Suffer, Kara.

Todrick Hall: This guy likes his v-neck sweaters. He's singing Kelly Clarkson lyrics but I have no idea what this is. I love the song this is based on, so maybe I like it? He punches the air a lot. Enthusiasm? Truly no idea what to make of him. None. Oh. Randy just started with, "You know I'm a fan of yours, right?" which is code for, "I'm about to trash you, dawg."

Special note to AI judges: After your Adam-fawning last season when he sang things like "Ring of Fire," you are asking for this sort of thing. See what I told you?!

Aaron Kelly: Why is he here? What about how you don't get through if you forget your words? I thought that was a rule? He must have gotten stuck in traffic because he's still in his street clothes. The song is dull, he is nothing special and a chorus of "here comes goodbye" seems a bad choice. His voice didn't suck, but he kind of did.

Jermaine Sellers: Please put the bill of your hat on straight. I don't care for this kind of singing. At all. What kind, you ask? Wailing off key oversinging. Ellen agreed, but she's a judge so she had to start with, "you know I'm a fan..." I can just say, "Jermaine, that totally sucked."

Tim Urban: Can't your cousin Keith get you a record deal? He looks like an extra on "That 70's Show" and his official photo has sweat stains in the pits (the one where he's leaping in the air and wearing an orange t-shirt.) I don't love his voice and the song is too high for him (and not a great song, either,) but I like that he got kicked off and asked back, and I love the fact that he kept it a secret from his family until they saw him on tv last night. Keep him.

Joe Munoz: He's adorable but I don't like his wussy speaking voice. I also don't love his singing voice, which is probably more relevant. Oh! He's sitting on a stool. Gutsy for the first show. What about the fist pumping and mic pulling? You know what? I'm taking it back. I do kind of like his singing voice. And I think he's charming. I vote yes for Joe Munoz. I'm going to have to find the tilde on my keyboard.

Tyler Grady: Another guy from "That 70's Show." And that's a GIANT mouth. And he's singing "American Woman". When he opens it fully he looks like that man-eating plant in Little Shop of Horrors. Tuneless song under the best of circumstances, abysmal song with his creative vision. For the first time ever am going to evoke the phrase, "This is a singing competition." Get off the stage, hack.

Halfway through, and this show is all about people coming at songs with their own "style." Again, it's your fault, judges.

Lee Dewyze: A Chicago boy who sells paint. I think he sounds like Hootie. I'm in. And then he sings that ridiculous Snow Patrol song and he's lost me. He's flat, and he's not adding anything with his "interpretation." Curse you, AI judges! This season is going to be unwatchable, what with all your demands that contestants show you who they are and not imitate other artists. Ellen says, "I really like that song choice for you until you (sang it.)"

John Park: Another Chicago kid. And he's proposing to Shania Twain. What's not to like about a handsome kid that likes the older ladies? I hate the song he's singing, and it has nothing to do with him. I just think it's kind of a dull and annoying song. Don't love him, but don't hate him either. I'd kick out Tyler Grady and Jermaine first, and then I'll make up my mind.

Michael Lynche: He's on the backfoot with me, what with the whole better-life-for-my-kids thing. I liked him in auditions, though, and I like him now, too. Big boy, nice moves but I don't think he's actually playing the guitar and that should incur a penalty - no instrument props allowed. He's charming. Delightful. Likeable. Lovely voice. Stylish without annoying me. Favorite so far. Maybe even over my two messy hair girls from last night.

Alex Lambert: (no relation) He's a 19 year old high school student. Wha? And he's got some weird flippy curls at his neck. Vaguely mullety. I can't get past it. I don't like this song, but I hate his hair. His jacket is to short and it makes his ass look huge. HUGE. But that HAIR!?! WTF?

And now my two favorites pre-favorites.

Casey James: Handsome. Would love to have him on all season, but I cannot watch this whole Kara love fest thing with him. It's nasty. Actually playing his guitar, so I'm happy with that. And this is a good performance. I am vindicated. Perhaps he will stay, Kara will be completely inappropriate, he'll file a harassment lawsuit and she'll be cast off the show. A blessing multi-pack.

Jesus, she is SO nasty. Nasty Nasty Nasty. I can't take this. Yuck. Kara is going to ruin him for me.

Andrew Garcia: Another "support my kids guy." Annoying. I don't love this song, but I do like him. He's kind of a one trick pony, though. I would like him to stay, but he's going to have to get out from behind that guitar and do something a little different pretty soon or I'm going to get sick of him.

Verdict: Jermaine, Tyler are out.

Twelve beautiful flowers

It's finally here! We get to start voting!

I am pretty new to the season...I only watched one audition show and one day of Hollywood Week, so I have only a couple of opinions. I like that guy who sang Paula's song with a guitar, I like the long-haired blues singer, I like the little girl from Iowa who wants to make up for her dad abandoning the family and I like the girl with the dreds from the Chicago auditions. In fact, both of these girls have atrocious hair, which means the makeovers will be fun to watch, too. But I like the look of that girl with the short red hair, and I like that Big Mike. And may I say I also like Ellen? I think she's a delightful addition to the team.

And now it's time to judge these bitches. YeeeHa!

Paige Miles: Interesting song choice! I'm not a fan of that scoopy stuff, but any chick that picks "All Right Now" by Free is a winner in my book. Kick the breathy baby talk and I'm on board. And mark my words. Hats are going to be her "thing".

Ashley Rodriguez: Pretty girl. I think she's kind of forgettable, but that could just be that off-pitch warbling performance of an already lame Leona Lewis song.

Janell Wheeler: She's a wine sales rep, and she's obviously not much of a speller. My ear must be off, because she sounds almost as flat as that Ashley right before her. And my, her pants are tight. That should be bringing her pitch up, shouldn't it? Randy introduces a new phrase..."I've got vibes for you." Hmmm.

Lilly Scott: She's been living out of her car and living for her art. I'm pleased she trying to be the next American Idol because she wants to be a star and not because she wants to provide for her children. Honesty rates. That said, she's murdering a Beatles song and I think she's going to throw her shoulder out from the strumming and shrugging. The judges like it but I thought it sucked. And that it was sharp, which I guess is a nice change. It really must be my ear tonight. And I like her hair.

Katelyn Epperly: Here's my bad-haired Iowa babe! I hate what she's wearing, that lipstick looks cheap, and it was a weird song choice. But I like her. I like her quite a bit. I'm voting for the home state!

Haeley Vaughn: She's adorable, but MAN she's got a big mouth. Wow. It seems everyone is Corrine Bailey Rae tonight, except oversinging. Meh. She's fine. Take her. Leave her. No opinion.

Lacey Brown: She works at a church. Beware, haters. Don't let the hair fool you. But she's not a youth minister so I won't damn her yet. Oops. First line of that song could have made her, but it didn't. And now she's trying to prove she can interpret, and instead she just sounds behind the beat. She's pulling the mike back and forth, and I hate that. She's over-stylizing and I'd prefer she just sing. She is doing some weirdtonevibrato thing that is totally weird. Yuck. Jury's in. Damned.

Michelle Delamor: Another super pretty one. And she's really likeable. Thumbs up to the backstory, Michelle. Oh. Alicia Keys. That's a big task. And she's okay. Not great, but better than most tonight. I say she could be impressive in a few shows. Though that run at the end was a bit anti-climatic.

Didi Benami: She's a waitress and she sang a Kara song and made it sound ok, so she's gifted. Of the fake indie girls tonight, she's the best so far. That said, my sturdy Chicago single mom with stinky hair is coming up, and I know she'll kick her sorry ass. So she can stay, but only for awhile.

Siobhan Magnus: Chris Isaak songs should be left to Chris Isaak. And you don't know what it means to be, "a dark horse." There's nothing to like about you, except maybe the flower in the hair that matches your lipstick.

Crystal Bowersox: Okay. Nasty hair. Pierced lip. Disses Idol. Plus 3 points. Trying to support her kid. Minus 2. Singing Alanis Morrisette. Plus 1. Strumming a guitar. Tonight, that's a dime a dozen. Playing the harmonica on American Idol. Priceless. I love her. LOVE HER.

Katie Stevens: Grandma has Alzheimer's. Quick. Make me famous while she'll still know. Katie's resting face looks like a smacked ass. So she sings a Nina Simone song. Really? You're 17. What do you know of Nina Simone? You might as well have sung Four Women. (Ellen agrees.) My name is PEACHES!

Verdict: Lacey go boom, followed quickly by Siobhan.

Magic Moments

How wonderful was it to see NPH and Ryan in the same room chatting? I think they should run for President and Vice President respectively. It could be the Sparkle Ticket.

Think about it.