I Take It All Back

Earlier in the season, I wrote a post about how relieved I was that Simon was gone. I knew when I wrote this post that I would likely end up eating my words. Well, pass the ketchup, ya'll, it's dinner time and I'm hunkering down on some fresh verbiage.

Last night, the judges gave absolutely no criticism, except by omission. They said things like: "The chorus was great!" or "You got overwhelmed by the emotion of the song and it made a moment." When they should have been saying things like this:

Song #1

• Scotty: Boring! Next...
• Lauren: I get that you love that song, but it doesn't fit you; it's too old for you and I don't believe it coming from you.
• Haley: Well done. 

Song #2

• Scotty: That was a good song for you. You hit your target audience right on the nose, you cynical little bastard
• Lauren: That song about dying young was ghastly. You ran out of breath and you creeped me out with your joyful celebration of "You'll be sorry when I'm gone." I'm sorry; I just don't get it. 
• Haley: You should fire Jimmy Iovine for picking such an uninspiring Stevie Nicks tune. What a waste of a song. That said, you did the best you could with it. I hated the wind machine. 

Song #3

• Scotty: That song was too old for you; it was not authentic. Also, it was a cruise ship performance and smarmy. However, you did emote like the good little whore you are. I see a bright future for you, our next American Idol.
• Lauren: Fine for a beauty pagent, but not here. You sang like a robot and bored me to death. And stop touching Ryan or I'll shoot you.
• Haley: Cliched performance of a cliche song. And you forgot the words. Unforgivable at this time in the competition.That said, at least I believed that you probably have actually done most of what that song is talking about, so I believed it. Have fun as the runner-up! Maybe you and Crystal Bowersox can tour state fairs together or something. 

Simon: Forgive me for not railing against your departure! And know that you now have a devoted X-Factor fan. 

American Idol: Suck up judges make American Idol suck ass. 

Seacrest out. 

America: Did you refuse to look in the mirror?

I don't know what kind of nonsense Jacob was perpetrating with his remark last night. He said something like: If I'm in the bottom three tomorrow, it won't be because I sang badly; it will be because America refused to look in the mirror.

Let's unpack this...

He was singing Man in the Mirror, which recommends that we start changing the world with the man in the mirror, i.e. ourselves. So, if we, as citizens, refuse to look in the mirror, and decide not to "make it right" then, what? We have no other reason for voting for him? I thought we were supposed to vote for our favorite singers? I didn't realize we were responsible for pushing someone through because then we won't be a racist.

Besides, Jacob has not been in the bottom three so far, so I'm not sure why he's worried about it now. People seem to love him and vote for him. Maybe the passing of Thia and Naima really ticked him off, maybe their boot had the stink of ethnic cleansing. And he felt he needed to call us out. I'm pretty sure it wasn't race that got those two off the show. They kinda sucked ass.

I'm not offended that Jacob played the race card. I'm offended that somehow he thinks this show has some sort of social significance. That the voting here is a bellwether for the state of the nation. It's not. It's tweens and cougars voting their fingers to the bone. These groups are important, for sure, just not what I'd call a cross-section of our country. Get over yourself, Jacob. This show is pro-wresting set to music. .

I'm also offended that he asked me to dig deep into my soul before I decide who to vote for on American Idol. Doesn't this kid know that watching this show means forgetting about your ever-living soul for 3 product placement packed hours a week? Doesn't he realize that the people who win this show are the people who say "yes, ma'am/sir" the most and the loudest? That only the best trained show dogs win?  How does the winner of American Idol really reflect on this nation? I'll tell you how: It doesn't.

I believe that he is so wrapped up in what he is doing that he has no perspective. What he said was unnecessary and those who do vote are going to make him pay. Or not. Maybe they'll be challenged to save the last brown person to prove they are not racist and he'll be carried off the stage on the shoulders of the other contestants as they sing "We Shall Overcome." Stranger things have happened. Still, it's unlikely.

In the mean time, let me speak directly to AI contestants: This isn't as important as you think it is. Think about it. Do you know the names of any of the top 10 from any other season, even last season? Can you even name all the winners? I can't and I've been an avid fan since episode one. Think about that fact and consider what you might say going forward. Fans of this show do not like it when any contestants, regardless of their diversity, get too big for their britches and fans usually send them packing. So, stay humble and respect the institution. If you'd like to change the world, I suggest you join the Peace Corp or the Red Cross or the Black Panthers. Don't use AI as a forum for change. Not only won't you be able to affect change, you'll also get voted off. It's a lose-lose situation.

Enjoy your time in the sun and try to parlay it into bigger and better things. And then you can use your fame to change the world, like Bono did. But don't make the mistake of thinking that what your doing here is going to have a lasting impact on the American zeitgeist. It won't. I'm just trying to save you some time.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Let's face it; everyone pretty much kicked ass last night, even Rod McDrunkstewart. I don't know if they got the monitors fixed for the little hamsters or if everyone is over whatever head colds they were suffering or what.

If all were right in the world and America didn't find oddball crusades and try to prove their point with their dialing fingers, then Thia should go home tonight. The crusades happened a lot when Simon was on the show and he'd rip someone a new one. America got all protective and tried to saved the ripee. But the judging has been more positive as a whole, so really, this has been unneccessary. Therefore, Thia should go.

But...

My worst fear is that Naima will go instead. I love her beyond reason. She's got the best rags to riches story going. And she is so different. I'd really like to see her get far in the competition. But everytime I pin my hopes on someone on this stupid show, I end up with nothing the next day.

We'll see tonight.

Actually, if all is fair, Thia should go home. But my dream within a dream is that there's a shocker elimination and Pia goes. Who needs her diva crap? Not me. The only problem is the judging monkeys would probably save her if she didn't get the votes.

Poor Japan...

They're not going to get any money from Idol songs on iTunes after last night's crap fest.

Norman? No More, Man!

Norman Gentle is from a few seasons back. I don't know which; they all bleed together. But he's over there to your right looking very earnest in his headband. But his time has come; so says Coaster Punchman, who has been dragged back to Blogtopia kicking and screaming.

Let's find a new mascot, shall we? Remember to vote for your favorite (in the comments) so he/she doesn't get sent to obscurity. This...is American Idolatry.



The Chosen One: An Original Recipe Bucket 'O Dysfunction + Lambertesque Vocals



The Monkey: A Portrait of Misplaced Whimsy

Idolus Prime: Gone In 60 Seconds



Howler: Earnestness Via 'Nad Squeezing



Medusa Ladyman: Doing His Best To Look Like Paula Abdul

The Snakeman: The Best in Jaw Dislocation

The Wanderer: All who wander are not lost...but this one probably is

The Yogakranian: I would feel better knowing where she was at all times so I could protect my vital organs

Place your votes in the comments. If my spammer friend out comments you, I'm going with the Yogakranian.

Flannery out.

Phew! The Auditions Are Over!

I heart Drew Beaumier, so clever. Too bad his catalytic converter interfered with his vocals

Bring on Hollywood so I can forget these people some more. 

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

It's so strange to watch American Idol and not have the same baggage I used to have to carry around in order to watch this show. For instance:

• I don't have to care about Simon Cowell anymore. Simon was like a breath of stale air when he sniped his way into the American pop culture landscape and I felt compelled to be interested in him, like it was my duty. People were sure he was the glue that held that titanic together. They couldn't have been more wrong. Ryan Seacrest is that glittery glue. I'm fairly relieved to now be watching a better show and Simon laughing his way to the bank in the sunset. Syonara, you little minx!
  
• I don't have to care about Paula Abdul anymore. Let's face it, I never really did care for her. Otherwise I wouldn't have prayed for her to fall off the wagon every week (cross that off the list too)
  
• I don't have to care whether Paula and Simon slept together. The show kept trying to sell us that story line. I wasn't buying it; she's way too old for him.
  
• I don't have to care about Randy Jackson anymore. He's so far in the background now as to be inconsequential. We've got the scene chewing Tyler and the mesmerizing Jennifer Lopez. Randy who?

I am hopeful that AI has turned a corner from that snot nosed punk of an upstart show to a young adult living on her own in the city for the first time kind of show. There seemed to be far less time spent in these early episodes on the mentally ill and far more time spent on people you might want to learn more about. Someday. After Hollywood. 

Right now, I'm tuning in early and am buoyed by the lightness I'm feeling, having sloughed off layers of bullshit armor that I had to don to protect myself while I hoped that maybe I would bear witness to Something Great. 

I'm pretty sure I'll be sorry I watched at some point. But I hope those moments aren't in the majority. I'm not asking for too much, am I?

******

Edited to add: The title of this post is from a nice spammer who comments here regularly. It's something I'd repeat if you would post something new, Dale, Marni, n.v., Melinda June, Coaster Punchman, Amy, Bluez, Bubs, Jacob's Mom, Nurse Ratchet and Valerie. 

Are You Ready?

I don't know...it looks like someone is going to be a handful. My poor Ryan already looks exhausted. And that's with Steven Tyler's lighting.