American Idolatry

I Take It All Back

2011-05-19T08:31:00.001-05:00

Earlier in the season, I wrote a post about how relieved I was that Simon was gone. I knew when I wrote this post that I would likely end up eating my words. Well, pass the ketchup, ya'll, it's dinner time and I'm hunkering down on some fresh verbiage.

Last night, the judges gave absolutely no criticism, except by omission. They said things like: "The chorus was great!" or "You got overwhelmed by the emotion of the song and it made a moment." When they should have been saying things like this:

Song #1

Scotty: Boring! Next...
Lauren: I get that you love that song, but it doesn't fit you; it's too old for you and I don't believe it coming from you.
Haley: Well done.

Song #2

Scotty: That was a good song for you. You hit your target audience right on the nose, you cynical little bastard
Lauren: That song about dying young was ghastly. You ran out of breath and you creeped me out with your joyful celebration of "You'll be sorry when I'm gone." I'm sorry; I just don't get it.
Haley: You should fire Jimmy Iovine for picking such an uninspiring Stevie Nicks tune. What a waste of a song. That said, you did the best you could with it. I hated the wind machine.

Song #3

Scotty: That song was too old for you; it was not authentic. Also, it was a cruise ship performance and smarmy. However, you did emote like the good little whore you are. I see a bright future for you, our next American Idol.
Lauren: Fine for a beauty pagent, but not here. You sang like a robot and bored me to death. And stop touching Ryan or I'll shoot you.
Haley: Cliched performance of a cliche song. And you forgot the words. Unforgivable at this time in the competition.That said, at least I believed that you probably have actually done most of what that song is talking about, so I believed it. Have fun as the runner-up! Maybe you and Crystal Bowersox can tour state fairs together or something.

Simon: Forgive me for not railing against your departure! And know that you now have a devoted X-Factor fan.

American Idol: Suck up judges make American Idol suck ass.

Seacrest out.

America: Did you refuse to look in the mirror?

2011-04-07T08:22:00.000-05:00

I don't know what kind of nonsense Jacob was perpetrating with his remark last night. He said something like: If I'm in the bottom three tomorrow, it won't be because I sang badly; it will be because America refused to look in the mirror.

Let's unpack this...

He was singing Man in the Mirror, which recommends that we start changing the world with the man in the mirror, i.e. ourselves. So, if we, as citizens, refuse to look in the mirror, and decide not to "make it right" then, what? We have no other reason for voting for him? I thought we were supposed to vote for our favorite singers? I didn't realize we were responsible for pushing someone through because then we won't be a racist.

Besides, Jacob has not been in the bottom three so far, so I'm not sure why he's worried about it now. People seem to love him and vote for him. Maybe the passing of Thia and Naima really ticked him off, maybe their boot had the stink of ethnic cleansing. And he felt he needed to call us out. I'm pretty sure it wasn't race that got those two off the show. They kinda sucked ass.

I'm not offended that Jacob played the race card. I'm offended that somehow he thinks this show has some sort of social significance. That the voting here is a bellwether for the state of the nation. It's not. It's tweens and cougars voting their fingers to the bone. These groups are important, for sure, just not what I'd call a cross-section of our country. Get over yourself, Jacob. This show is pro-wresting set to music. .

I'm also offended that he asked me to dig deep into my soul before I decide who to vote for on American Idol. Doesn't this kid know that watching this show means forgetting about your ever-living soul for 3 product placement packed hours a week? Doesn't he realize that the people who win this show are the people who say "yes, ma'am/sir" the most and the loudest? That only the best trained show dogs win? How does the winner of American Idol really reflect on this nation? I'll tell you how: It doesn't.

I believe that he is so wrapped up in what he is doing that he has no perspective. What he said was unnecessary and those who do vote are going to make him pay. Or not. Maybe they'll be challenged to save the last brown person to prove they are not racist and he'll be carried off the stage on the shoulders of the other contestants as they sing "We Shall Overcome." Stranger things have happened. Still, it's unlikely.

In the mean time, let me speak directly to AI contestants: This isn't as important as you think it is. Think about it. Do you know the names of any of the top 10 from any other season, even last season? Can you even name all the winners? I can't and I've been an avid fan since episode one. Think about that fact and consider what you might say going forward. Fans of this show do not like it when any contestants, regardless of their diversity, get too big for their britches and fans usually send them packing. So, stay humble and respect the institution. If you'd like to change the world, I suggest you join the Peace Corp or the Red Cross or the Black Panthers. Don't use AI as a forum for change. Not only won't you be able to affect change, you'll also get voted off. It's a lose-lose situation.

Enjoy your time in the sun and try to parlay it into bigger and better things. And then you can use your fame to change the world, like Bono did. But don't make the mistake of thinking that what your doing here is going to have a lasting impact on the American zeitgeist. It won't. I'm just trying to save you some time.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

2011-03-24T07:52:00.000-05:00

Let's face it; everyone pretty much kicked ass last night, even Rod McDrunkstewart. I don't know if they got the monitors fixed for the little hamsters or if everyone is over whatever head colds they were suffering or what.

If all were right in the world and America didn't find oddball crusades and try to prove their point with their dialing fingers, then Thia should go home tonight. The crusades happened a lot when Simon was on the show and he'd rip someone a new one. America got all protective and tried to saved the ripee. But the judging has been more positive as a whole, so really, this has been unneccessary. Therefore, Thia should go.

But...

My worst fear is that Naima will go instead. I love her beyond reason. She's got the best rags to riches story going. And she is so different. I'd really like to see her get far in the competition. But everytime I pin my hopes on someone on this stupid show, I end up with nothing the next day.

We'll see tonight.

Actually, if all is fair, Thia should go home. But my dream within a dream is that there's a shocker elimination and Pia goes. Who needs her diva crap? Not me. The only problem is the judging monkeys would probably save her if she didn't get the votes.

Poor Japan...

2011-03-17T13:27:00.000-05:00

They're not going to get any money from Idol songs on iTunes after last night's crap fest.

Norman? No More, Man!

2011-02-10T22:06:00.000-05:00

Norman Gentle is from a few seasons back. I don't know which; they all bleed together. But he's over there to your right looking very earnest in his headband. But his time has come; so says Coaster Punchman, who has been dragged back to Blogtopia kicking and screaming.

Let's find a new mascot, shall we? Remember to vote for your favorite (in the comments) so he/she doesn't get sent to obscurity. This...is American Idolatry.

The Chosen One: An Original Recipe Bucket 'O Dysfunction + Lambertesque Vocals

The Monkey: A Portrait of Misplaced Whimsy

Idolus Prime: Gone In 60 Seconds

Howler: Earnestness Via 'Nad Squeezing

Medusa Ladyman: Doing His Best To Look Like Paula Abdul

The Snakeman: The Best in Jaw Dislocation

The Wanderer: All who wander are not lost...but this one probably is

The Yogakranian: I would feel better knowing where she was at all times so I could protect my vital organs

Place your votes in the comments. If my spammer friend out comments you, I'm going with the Yogakranian.

Flannery out.

Phew! The Auditions Are Over!

2011-02-10T20:03:00.000-05:00

I heart Drew Beaumier, so clever. Too bad his catalytic converter interfered with his vocals

Bring on Hollywood so I can forget these people some more.

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

2011-01-22T19:00:00.003-05:00

It's so strange to watch American Idol and not have the same baggage I used to have to carry around in order to watch this show. For instance:

I don't have to care about Simon Cowell anymore. Simon was like a breath of stale air when he sniped his way into the American pop culture landscape and I felt compelled to be interested in him, like it was my duty. People were sure he was the glue that held that titanic together. They couldn't have been more wrong. Ryan Seacrest is that glittery glue. I'm fairly relieved to now be watching a better show and Simon laughing his way to the bank in the sunset. Syonara, you little minx!
I don't have to care about Paula Abdul anymore. Let's face it, I never really did care for her. Otherwise I wouldn't have prayed for her to fall off the wagon every week (cross that off the list too)
I don't have to care whether Paula and Simon slept together. The show kept trying to sell us that story line. I wasn't buying it; she's way too old for him.
I don't have to care about Randy Jackson anymore. He's so far in the background now as to be inconsequential. We've got the scene chewing Tyler and the mesmerizing Jennifer Lopez. Randy who?

I am hopeful that AI has turned a corner from that snot nosed punk of an upstart show to a young adult living on her own in the city for the first time kind of show. There seemed to be far less time spent in these early episodes on the mentally ill and far more time spent on people you might want to learn more about. Someday. After Hollywood.

Right now, I'm tuning in early and am buoyed by the lightness I'm feeling, having sloughed off layers of bullshit armor that I had to don to protect myself while I hoped that maybe I would bear witness to Something Great.

I'm pretty sure I'll be sorry I watched at some point. But I hope those moments aren't in the majority. I'm not asking for too much, am I?

******

Edited to add: The title of this post is from a nice spammer who comments here regularly. It's something I'd repeat if you would post something new, Dale, Marni, n.v., Melinda June, Coaster Punchman, Amy, Bluez, Bubs, Jacob's Mom, Nurse Ratchet and Valerie.

Are You Ready?

2011-01-18T11:03:00.001-05:00

I don't know...it looks like someone is going to be a handful. My poor Ryan already looks exhausted. And that's with Steven Tyler's lighting.

So, New Judges Anyone?

2010-12-23T12:07:00.000-05:00

It's really a sad time for Idol fans because change is hard. But we all knew it was coming, right? Simon's a pretty smart guy and knows when to take the money and run. And Fox finally smelled the writing on the wall and ditched Kara. And I'm thinking that Ellen's stint was just a lark.

I'm glad they've reduced the judgery back down to three members. In my opinion, having a fourth judge is redundant, since the talent offered up can only really bring about a maximum of two reactions. There isn't enough gradation in the performances to warrant more than one or two opinions. Four judges just meant one opinion voiced three times and Simon's opinion, which is boring. Trust me. I've done the math.

Fortunately, for the sake of continuity, we still have Ryan Seacrest, the glue that holds the Titanic together. And in a nod to tradition, Randy Jackson also remains. On a side note, I'm thinking that if you look up Peter Principal in the dictionary, you'll find Randy Jackson's picture. But now we have to take a closer look at the personalities who will flank them.

Steven Tyler: Aged rock star made entirely of oak and beef jerky.

Pros:

Has actually made a "hit record"
Shares a closet with Paula Abdul
At any given moment is probably loaded, so will bring the nonsense, Abdul-style
Has sold out to commercialism, so can advise contestants on how best to transfer their souls to a marketing machine with the fewest amount of ancillary fees

Cons:

Very difficult to look at
Will likely bring his own ridiculous vocabulary (think: pitchy) that we'll be pummeled with as soon as one of his turns of phrase takes off
His presence will warrant an "Aerosmith" theme night, during which will suck mightily

J-Lo: Talented and Bored Celebrity with Some Credibility

Pros:

Can be charming and worked well with contestants last season
Has legitimate music and film experience
Will likely be able to put both Randy and ST in their places when necessary
She won't be making another album while she's on this show

Cons:

She may be in danger of taking the role of judge/mentor too seriously and becoming a bore

Overall, it should be an interesting experiement to see if Idol can survive on its own merits or if it really was the personalities of the judgest that kept it from sinking.

What do you think?

The Whole Is Greater than the Sum of its Parts

2010-05-11T21:42:00.002-05:00

So, I'm watching American Idol at my parents' house while I'm working with my cousins on a Memory Board for my dearly departed Grandma. It's on a tri-fold board and it looks like a page from a giant scrap book. It really is beautiful. And we made a huge mess: pictures everywhere, bits of paper on the floor, half-empty cans of Diet Coke. But I did turn on American Idol so that Wendi and I could watch it together. She's on the road a lot and I usually only get to touch base with her through Facebook.

She's currently assisting a minister with one good leg and one prosthetic leg walk the perimiter of the US, planting crosses every mile. The minister, Carol, is almost done. She plans on finishing in Miami, where she started, on New Years Eve. Usually Wendi doesn't even have access to TV and I have to let her know who got voted off by posting it on her wall.

So, we're together watching Idol with my other cousin, Rachel, who doesn't watch. But we were so absorbed in our task that I don't really remember any of the performances. I was however disgusted by Jamie Foxx's t-shirt gimick. OMG! That was so stupid. I wanted those "contestants" to shove those t-shirts back in his face and say, "Artist, Shmartist! It's a fucking game show, dawg!" Oh, it was gross.

But we were caught up in the duet with Casey and Mike, neither of whom I get. I don't like their music. I don't like their stories. I don't want to hear their crappy albums, so I hope they don't win. I want to say, "Nikki McKibbin, anyone?" and promptly forget I ever knew them.

And then they sang together. And it was like butter. I don't remember what they were singing but I was struck by how good they sounded. And I wanted to hear more of that. Maybe someday, they'll tour together like Ruben and Clay. By then I should have some disposable income I could blow on tickets to see them at the fair.

So, thank you, American Idol, for presenting something I've been looking for this season: Some musical magic. And it couldn't have come to me at a better time. It almost makes me want to forgive you for the Kara Dioguardi interpretation of Casey singing "Mrs. Robinson." Gag me.

Was Harry Connick, Jr. Auditioning for Simon's Job Last Night?

2010-05-05T11:51:00.004-05:00

I don't know about you, but I thought last night looked like it might be a trial run for putting HCJ at the grumpy end of the judges panel. Here's why:

He wasn't afraid to slag contestants (see Casey)
He proved he could take what Ellen dished out
He showed that he would add value by taking a hands-on approach to the contestants (and not necessarily in a dirty way)
He certainly can be easy on the eyes if you don't look directly at him (just like Simon).
He'll give Ryan a run for his spray tan supplies.
And his accent is cute.

Note for the future AI: It might be nice to rotate the people who sit in the grumpy chair every season. Here's my list for the next 7 seasons:

Sue Sylvester

Cyndi Lauper

Meatloaf

Coaster Punchman

Weird Al

Thank God No One Sang "Imagine"!

2010-04-06T21:01:00.004-05:00

I was worried when I saw Casey in a white jacket. That song is played, dawg! It's so played, it has entered the realm of Ziggy. But all worry was for naught.

Actually, if you subtract one digereedoo, one piper and Aaron, this is the best Idol has ever been. And Glass Blower was my favorite. I thought her "Across the Universe" was like a vocal ballet: feminine, restrained and beautiful.

Filling Paula's shoes

2010-03-10T22:51:00.002-05:00

After another week of singing, I remain committed to my top twelve picks.

Thus far, the most interesting part of this season is the judging dynamic. Ellen may be Paula's replacement, but Kara is sure doing everything she can to take her place. She cuddles up to Simon. She flirts desperately with contestants. She talks crazy talk apropos of nothing. Tonight, she couldn't speak because she was weeping after Mike Lynche's performance, and she couldn't even collect herself before the credits rolled.

Keep trying, Kara. Paula's crazy is patented, and you look even sillier than normal trying to replicate it.

2010-03-04T22:21:00.005-05:00

Danny Gokey appears on Idol! And his new single is either:

a) a slap in the face to his dead wife (I loved you but you died so I'm going to go find something better!)

b) a blatant pander to his Christian Cougar voting base in hopes of beating Adam and Kris on the Billboard charts (seriously, dude...you're not even 30 yet so why are you singing about how age is just a number?)

c) a happy combination of both.

Danny Gokey. All class. All the time. Oh. And guess what you're getting for you next birthday, CP.

Committed, part 2

2010-03-04T18:41:00.002-05:00

Wow. The girls pose a problem for me. Although Simon has said he thinks it's a girl's contest this year I definitely disagree. I can't give you three, let alone six, that I like.

I'm on board with my two faves - Crystal Bowersox and Katelyn Epperly.

Beyond that, hmmm.

I guess I'll say yes to Siobhan Magnus after all. And I still don't hate Paige Miles so much that I fast forward the Tivo when she sings, so she can stay.

Two more. Yikes.

Which is worse? Crapping your pants or puking on your shirt?

Lilly Scott lived in her car. Let's keep her so she has a bed and a shower for a few weeks before she goes back to busking.

The rest I think I'll throw to the gods. If they toss it back and make me pick a sixth, I guess I'll take that waitress with the blonde hair, but I'm hoping I'll figure out that the gods are calling and screen the call.

I'm ready to commit

2010-03-02T21:50:00.003-05:00

Mike Lynche. Casey James. Andrew Garcia. Lee Dewyze. Four square fan.

Alex Lambert needs a haircut, but if he ditches the mullet I am tentatively on board.

Aaron Kelly, I've decided to support you even though you sang, "My Girl." I have to pick six boys so you can be one of them. You should say a little prayer of thanks for Jermaine and Todrick.

And then there were 20

2010-02-25T22:16:00.002-05:00

One for four. Boy, am I off this year. All in all, both of these show sucked and there are maybe 5 contestants I'd actually like to hear sing again. God help us.

Twelve handsome gents

2010-02-24T20:57:00.002-05:00

Kara badly wants Simon to want her. She's fawning. But she's no Paula. Suffer, Kara.

Todrick Hall: This guy likes his v-neck sweaters. He's singing Kelly Clarkson lyrics but I have no idea what this is. I love the song this is based on, so maybe I like it? He punches the air a lot. Enthusiasm? Truly no idea what to make of him. None. Oh. Randy just started with, "You know I'm a fan of yours, right?" which is code for, "I'm about to trash you, dawg."

Special note to AI judges: After your Adam-fawning last season when he sang things like "Ring of Fire," you are asking for this sort of thing. See what I told you?!

Aaron Kelly: Why is he here? What about how you don't get through if you forget your words? I thought that was a rule? He must have gotten stuck in traffic because he's still in his street clothes. The song is dull, he is nothing special and a chorus of "here comes goodbye" seems a bad choice. His voice didn't suck, but he kind of did.

Jermaine Sellers: Please put the bill of your hat on straight. I don't care for this kind of singing. At all. What kind, you ask? Wailing off key oversinging. Ellen agreed, but she's a judge so she had to start with, "you know I'm a fan..." I can just say, "Jermaine, that totally sucked."

Tim Urban: Can't your cousin Keith get you a record deal? He looks like an extra on "That 70's Show" and his official photo has sweat stains in the pits (the one where he's leaping in the air and wearing an orange t-shirt.) I don't love his voice and the song is too high for him (and not a great song, either,) but I like that he got kicked off and asked back, and I love the fact that he kept it a secret from his family until they saw him on tv last night. Keep him.

Joe Munoz: He's adorable but I don't like his wussy speaking voice. I also don't love his singing voice, which is probably more relevant. Oh! He's sitting on a stool. Gutsy for the first show. What about the fist pumping and mic pulling? You know what? I'm taking it back. I do kind of like his singing voice. And I think he's charming. I vote yes for Joe Munoz. I'm going to have to find the tilde on my keyboard.

Tyler Grady: Another guy from "That 70's Show." And that's a GIANT mouth. And he's singing "American Woman". When he opens it fully he looks like that man-eating plant in Little Shop of Horrors. Tuneless song under the best of circumstances, abysmal song with his creative vision. For the first time ever am going to evoke the phrase, "This is a singing competition." Get off the stage, hack.

Halfway through, and this show is all about people coming at songs with their own "style." Again, it's your fault, judges.

Lee Dewyze: A Chicago boy who sells paint. I think he sounds like Hootie. I'm in. And then he sings that ridiculous Snow Patrol song and he's lost me. He's flat, and he's not adding anything with his "interpretation." Curse you, AI judges! This season is going to be unwatchable, what with all your demands that contestants show you who they are and not imitate other artists. Ellen says, "I really like that song choice for you until you (sang it.)"

John Park: Another Chicago kid. And he's proposing to Shania Twain. What's not to like about a handsome kid that likes the older ladies? I hate the song he's singing, and it has nothing to do with him. I just think it's kind of a dull and annoying song. Don't love him, but don't hate him either. I'd kick out Tyler Grady and Jermaine first, and then I'll make up my mind.

Michael Lynche: He's on the backfoot with me, what with the whole better-life-for-my-kids thing. I liked him in auditions, though, and I like him now, too. Big boy, nice moves but I don't think he's actually playing the guitar and that should incur a penalty - no instrument props allowed. He's charming. Delightful. Likeable. Lovely voice. Stylish without annoying me. Favorite so far. Maybe even over my two messy hair girls from last night.

Alex Lambert: (no relation) He's a 19 year old high school student. Wha? And he's got some weird flippy curls at his neck. Vaguely mullety. I can't get past it. I don't like this song, but I hate his hair. His jacket is to short and it makes his ass look huge. HUGE. But that HAIR!?! WTF?

And now my two favorites pre-favorites.

Casey James: Handsome. Would love to have him on all season, but I cannot watch this whole Kara love fest thing with him. It's nasty. Actually playing his guitar, so I'm happy with that. And this is a good performance. I am vindicated. Perhaps he will stay, Kara will be completely inappropriate, he'll file a harassment lawsuit and she'll be cast off the show. A blessing multi-pack.

Jesus, she is SO nasty. Nasty Nasty Nasty. I can't take this. Yuck. Kara is going to ruin him for me.

Andrew Garcia: Another "support my kids guy." Annoying. I don't love this song, but I do like him. He's kind of a one trick pony, though. I would like him to stay, but he's going to have to get out from behind that guitar and do something a little different pretty soon or I'm going to get sick of him.

Verdict: Jermaine, Tyler are out.

Twelve beautiful flowers

2010-02-23T20:58:00.004-05:00

It's finally here! We get to start voting!

I am pretty new to the season...I only watched one audition show and one day of Hollywood Week, so I have only a couple of opinions. I like that guy who sang Paula's song with a guitar, I like the long-haired blues singer, I like the little girl from Iowa who wants to make up for her dad abandoning the family and I like the girl with the dreds from the Chicago auditions. In fact, both of these girls have atrocious hair, which means the makeovers will be fun to watch, too. But I like the look of that girl with the short red hair, and I like that Big Mike. And may I say I also like Ellen? I think she's a delightful addition to the team.

And now it's time to judge these bitches. YeeeHa!

Paige Miles: Interesting song choice! I'm not a fan of that scoopy stuff, but any chick that picks "All Right Now" by Free is a winner in my book. Kick the breathy baby talk and I'm on board. And mark my words. Hats are going to be her "thing".

Ashley Rodriguez: Pretty girl. I think she's kind of forgettable, but that could just be that off-pitch warbling performance of an already lame Leona Lewis song.

Janell Wheeler: She's a wine sales rep, and she's obviously not much of a speller. My ear must be off, because she sounds almost as flat as that Ashley right before her. And my, her pants are tight. That should be bringing her pitch up, shouldn't it? Randy introduces a new phrase..."I've got vibes for you." Hmmm.

Lilly Scott: She's been living out of her car and living for her art. I'm pleased she trying to be the next American Idol because she wants to be a star and not because she wants to provide for her children. Honesty rates. That said, she's murdering a Beatles song and I think she's going to throw her shoulder out from the strumming and shrugging. The judges like it but I thought it sucked. And that it was sharp, which I guess is a nice change. It really must be my ear tonight. And I like her hair.

Katelyn Epperly: Here's my bad-haired Iowa babe! I hate what she's wearing, that lipstick looks cheap, and it was a weird song choice. But I like her. I like her quite a bit. I'm voting for the home state!

Haeley Vaughn: She's adorable, but MAN she's got a big mouth. Wow. It seems everyone is Corrine Bailey Rae tonight, except oversinging. Meh. She's fine. Take her. Leave her. No opinion.

Lacey Brown: She works at a church. Beware, haters. Don't let the hair fool you. But she's not a youth minister so I won't damn her yet. Oops. First line of that song could have made her, but it didn't. And now she's trying to prove she can interpret, and instead she just sounds behind the beat. She's pulling the mike back and forth, and I hate that. She's over-stylizing and I'd prefer she just sing. She is doing some weirdtonevibrato thing that is totally weird. Yuck. Jury's in. Damned.

Michelle Delamor: Another super pretty one. And she's really likeable. Thumbs up to the backstory, Michelle. Oh. Alicia Keys. That's a big task. And she's okay. Not great, but better than most tonight. I say she could be impressive in a few shows. Though that run at the end was a bit anti-climatic.

Didi Benami: She's a waitress and she sang a Kara song and made it sound ok, so she's gifted. Of the fake indie girls tonight, she's the best so far. That said, my sturdy Chicago single mom with stinky hair is coming up, and I know she'll kick her sorry ass. So she can stay, but only for awhile.

Siobhan Magnus: Chris Isaak songs should be left to Chris Isaak. And you don't know what it means to be, "a dark horse." There's nothing to like about you, except maybe the flower in the hair that matches your lipstick.

Crystal Bowersox: Okay. Nasty hair. Pierced lip. Disses Idol. Plus 3 points. Trying to support her kid. Minus 2. Singing Alanis Morrisette. Plus 1. Strumming a guitar. Tonight, that's a dime a dozen. Playing the harmonica on American Idol. Priceless. I love her. LOVE HER.

Katie Stevens: Grandma has Alzheimer's. Quick. Make me famous while she'll still know. Katie's resting face looks like a smacked ass. So she sings a Nina Simone song. Really? You're 17. What do you know of Nina Simone? You might as well have sung Four Women. (Ellen agrees.) My name is PEACHES!

Verdict: Lacey go boom, followed quickly by Siobhan.

Magic Moments

2010-01-29T14:03:00.003-05:00

How wonderful was it to see NPH and Ryan in the same room chatting? I think they should run for President and Vice President respectively. It could be the Sparkle Ticket.

Think about it.

Obviously the crack Idol editing team hasn't been to the midwest

2010-01-20T14:36:00.002-05:00

This totally slipped past me.

What a bunch of idiots.

Audition shows suck

2010-01-20T10:07:00.003-05:00

There was nothing, not one thing, interesting about the Chicago audition show. Nada. Zip.

Pretty girl from Iowa trying to make her mom feel better since her dad walked out on the family. Let me guess. For a younger woman? New family starting? Quick, honey. Get to Hollywood before they ask you to babysit. And trust me. Even if you win American Idol, your mom isn't going to stop being angry and sad anytime soon. The real question is will she eat or drink her feelings? Though I suppose it's possible she may start exercising obsessively. That happens, too.

Girl who almost died from an asthma attack thinks that qualifies her for American Idol. Wha???? Last I checked, television did not cure breathing problems, but nice try.

And the real tragedy of the night...talented girl who had to leave Hollywood week last year because of unpaid parking tickets. Oh, the humanity! Take that, Blind Scott.

Another sign of the apocalypse

2010-01-13T20:53:00.002-05:00

How is it possible that Kara sucks more at the beginning of this season than she did at the end of last?

You'd think that, after listening to her banging on about, "feelin' it" and vapidly suggesting that every contestant who has just finished singing, "can Really SING," my contempt at the end of last season would have abated and I'd find her merely silly and a bit stupid. But the power of Kara is abiding....it's like the finale was just last week, and I want to climb in the television and beat her senseless all over again.

There's Something About Paula

2010-01-12T16:59:00.002-05:00

I'm a big fan of MommaContin, so I'm sorry she won't be participating this season. It'll be interesting to see how that dynamic flies. Ellen's okay, I suppose, but her fake sunshiney happiness makes me see blood.

Should we start a Paula Petition, or something? I'm too lazy.

Grrrr!

2010-01-12T16:48:00.001-05:00

Hey, another season of Idol starts tonight! Who's in?

Panel Kerfluffle

2009-07-30T15:10:00.003-05:00

There's been a lot of talk about the staffing of American Idol. Seacrest got a sweet deal, which he totally deserves. Meanwhile, Paula hasn't gotten a contract yet. I'm sure it's because the producers are absolutely exhausted having forked over a ton of cash to our sparkling boy.

It's caused me to wonder, who would my ideal Idol panel include? Here they are:

Simon Cowell
Sharon Osborne
Gladys Night

What about yours?

My brush with potential Season 9 greatness

2009-06-30T16:03:00.004-05:00

Oh. My. GOD. I know one of the people that made it to Hollywood in upcoming Season 9.

She works at Bloomingdales and she waxes my eyebrows and she's a riot...truly one of my favorite stylists ever. But even better...VFTW has now identified her as a plant, which means that she might actually make it to the Top 36. How cool would that be? Then you haters are going to have to embrace her or die...I'll be rooting for her all the way.

The industry vindicates us!

2009-06-15T09:54:00.001-05:00

I love this article, which shows that Kris, Adam and Allison have record deals and careers, and Gokey has thus far been left hanging.

Kris won after all

2009-05-21T17:19:00.002-05:00

I know. Damn that Kris and the Kristians that voted for him. The no-talent hack only won because people hate Adam because he's gay.

Sorry. I disagree. I think people LOVED Adam, gay or not. Even Kristians loved him, and voted for him. And I think Kris is going to surprise all you haters and be a stand up guy AND a success. And on a completely separate issue, so will Adam. I plan to follow both of their careers closely.

This year I win!

2009-05-20T13:00:00.004-05:00

I must admit, I'm really happy this year. I loved Kris pretty much as soon as I actually saw him perform, I have come to love Adam even though I don't always love his performances, and though I really loved Allison, too, I don't have that horrible rage of injustice I often get when we get down to this. I mean, can we say Katherine McPhee/Taylor Hicks or Diana DeGarmo? Give me a break. This year, I think both Idol possibles are talented and deserving, and I thoroughly enjoyed their performances last night.

When Adam sang "Mad World" I felt like he might have read this blog and taken my advice to heart. His version last night was less screamer and a lot more emotive than his last one, and I think that song is more evocative this way. I thought his version of "A Change Is Gonna Come" was magical, and his version of that Kara DioGuardi mess of a song was as good as it could be considering the material.

Kris performed two of my favorite songs ever...I loved Kris' original version of "Ain't No Sunshine," and I thought last night he was pretty much perfect with it. Really beautiful. And though the judges seemed to think he should have made some spectacle of "What's Goin' On," I thought his version was really nice...much like "Mad World," I think that song is better when you lay back and let it flow, which Kris did. And I thought it was hysterical that Kara flat out acknowledged her stupid song was in the wrong key for Kris - shows she didn't actually care whether or not he could sing it, because she wrote it for Adam. Which was made even funnier by Randy's comment that Kris' voice was a better fit for it. (As if anyone should sing that kind of dreck.)

I get that most people think that Kris has already won his version of the title simply by beating Danny, and that Adam is the only true candidate for AI winner. I get that everyone is positive that Adam is the "talent" here, that he's the performer and the superstar. But I really don't understand why pretty much every compliment to Kris has the tone of praise you give to some retarded kid who manages to correctly identify the square hole for the block in his hand.

This is not to detract from Adam. He is amazing and deserves all the success he gets. But flashy showmanship and the ability to "perform" isn't the only hallmark of talent. Adam has the better voice, he's a bigger stage presence and has a theatrical knack for nailing the emotions in a song. Kris, on the other hand, plays a bunch of instruments, has some pretty uncanny pitch even though his voice isn't perfect, and interprets a song with an innocent, raw emotion that is compelling. You can be talented and relevant and a huge international success with glamour and wardrobe and dry ice if you want to, but you can also be one WITHOUT being Cher.

People dismiss Kris as John Mayer, Jason Mraz, Jack Johnson or any number of singer-songwriter types who do acoustic guitar music heavy on lyrics and emotion. But why exactly is it a BAD thing to be like these guys? Must everyone be Celine Dion to be considered talented?

I LIKE John Mayer. (It took a mixed cd from CP with pretty much the entire contents of Mayer's first album to convert me, but I got over the whole bubblegum toes thing and learned to enjoy him.) It's a hot sunny day and I'm listening to a mix of Josh Rouse, Jack Johnson and Ryan Adams on my iPod. I'm singing along and even repeating some of the songs I like. None of these guys do elaborate stage shows, they don't have the most amazing voices and they can be pretty understated. But I like them. I buy their music. I think they're great artists.

If someone offered me free tickets to an Elton John concert, I would beg off and suggest they find someone else. I would, however, stand in line in the rain to sit in the second balcony to hear Bob Dylan. I think Springsteen puts on a killer show, but Nebraska and Devils & Dust are my favorites of his albums. And while Led Zeppelin is unquestionably great, I think Robert Plant is pure genius when he's collaborating with Allison Krauss.

I guess what I'm saying is that there are lots of ways to be a great musician. Kris and Adam each have their own charm. Either one of them deserves to win. They're very different, but they're both big "finds" for the music industry, and they both deserve successful careers. And I'm sick and tired of the Adam folks insinuating that it is some huge travesty of justice if their guy doesn't win.

To use an overused analogy, some people like the Stones, some people prefer the Beatles, and while Keith Richards is a much more compelling train wreck than Paul McCartney, there's still room on the iPod for both.

And, of course, some people like Josh Groban and Michael Buble, but there's no accounting for taste.

I still don't understand why he didn't win

2009-05-17T22:32:00.002-05:00

Vindication

2009-05-15T09:49:00.002-05:00

I was feeling kind of bad about all the vitriol I've been throwing at Danny. My mom really wanted him to win and she was sad to see him go, and after talking to her I thought I maybe had given him a hard time that he didn't deserve.

So just now I started clicking on the links on this page, mostly because I wanted to see who VFTW has selected to replace him (they haven't yet,) and for the first time this year I went to the main AI site, where I found links to "initial reaction" videos taped with the departing Idol immediately after the show. In his, Danny is shell-shocked, agrees that his departure is a shocker, and then immediately talks about laying on his dead wife's casket 10 months ago. Let me guess, Danny. The AI producers told you to bring that up? I mean, you don't want your wife's tragically young death to be the focus of your Idol story, right?

It isn't that I don't have compassion for the guy. I don't like him, but I'm sorry he's had such loss in his life and I'm sure that this is very emotional for him. I just think it's unseemly to bring it up in this context, and a classy contestant would have expressed disappointment but wished the others well. For instance, Allison - who could try to justify petulant moodiness with her youth - was crying and obviously disappointed, but she found a way to smile and said that most of the tears were because she would miss the other contestants, because they were great guys and she was happy for them.

Well done, Danny. I feel better now. Absolved, even.

Still dancing and pinching my arm to be sure it's real

2009-05-14T22:56:00.002-05:00

God knows I've been praying for this for weeks, months even, but now that it's happened it's hard to believe. It's like I won some lottery, or or got a fancy new job or got trapped in an elevator with Hugh Jackman.

Danny Gokey is gone. Gone gone gone! Gone gone-ity gone gone, gone gone! WHOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I began to hope early on. About midway through Kris' video of his visit home I thought to myself, "Wow. This seems to be taking longer than Danny's did." So I paid attention to Adam's, and his seemed to too. Could this be an indicator of who the audience really wants to see?! (FYI, I went back and timed the videos and I was correct. Kris and Adam each got a full minute more air time than the Hoke-meister. And yes, I realize I'm a complete saddo. You have no idea.)

I loved that Kris looked surprised to make the finals. I love that Adam looked genuinely worried and very relieved to hear his name. I am furious that the producers did a fast focus on the two finalists when their names were called so that I couldn't see Danny's face.

And I hate Kara more now than ever. Did you see her mouth, "Oh my God, that is so unfair," when the Cheese stood alone? Well, it sure looked like she did to me, and that is beyond tacky. And, for the record, it is NOT unfair. It is justice being served.

Now I'm torn. I'm an Adam convert, but a Kris fan from way back. Who do I vote for? Ye-gods.

Top Three

2009-05-13T12:34:00.003-05:00

I know we're all about Adam here now, and I am also an Adam fan. But I still love Kris. Love him. I thought Adam was lazy and sharp this week, Danny was as miserably dull and off pitch as we've come to expect (and he STILL hasn't learned the part about breathing at a natural pause in the lyric's phrasing,) and Kris' version of Heartless was the only thing worth listening to last night. (That first song of his really did suck.)

The judges, on the other hand, made all three of these guys look like consummate professionals. Talk about squirrelly idiots. Seriously. Randy and Kara picked that stupid song for Kris and then got pissed because it's style was pretty much the same as his normal one and he didn't shake it up. Simon bragged about Bono like he'd had an audience with the queen. Paula went on even more than usual with the spouting of ridiculous nonsense. The only thing I liked about them this week was the big brown makeup smudge on Simon's boob left by Paula during one of their little wrestling matches.

The comparisons of Danny to Taylor Hicks and Michael Bolton are entirely accurate. By rights, the way the judges have been pimping him all season, they DESERVE to have him win so they have to market his stupid ass. I like the idea of them taking a bath with his 50,000-copies-sold debut album. But even more, I like the feeling of satisfaction I know will come when I see his smug face go blank when he's voted off tonight. I love seeing people who are completely full of themselves kicked to the curb in public humiliation. And Danny deserves that fate.

So I voted continuously for Kris and Adam. You will hear my shouts of joy in Europe if Gokey goes home.

What the hell was that?!?

2009-05-12T22:42:00.005-05:00

I'm sorry, but this is the semi-finals, right? Aren't these people supposed to be kicking ass at this point? Instead, Adam phoned it in, Gokey over shot the mark, as per usual and not in a good way, and what the hell is Kris still doing there? Man.

And you know I have mad love for Adam, right. Well, check it out dawg: Why Aerosmith? Why would you pick "Cryin'" Were you high?!? God! Was he trying to one-up Gokey's Dream On Aerosmith Rock 'N Roller Coaster? Where was all the twinkly space dust that usually swirls around your head? Did you just decide you didn't want to win it? LAME. At the rate we're going, Danny Deadwife is going to win it all...which...hey, maybe he'll just disappear like Taylor Hicks. Hmm...as you were Adam Lambert.

So, next week is the foshizzle finale. The question of the hour is: Who will be singing "Imagine"? And what happened to the songwriting contest? My neighbor wrote the music for my single and now it's all dressed up and has no place to go. I guess the contest went the way of Idol Gives Back. Oh well, maybe if I get poor enough, Paula Abdul will come over and color with me, which would make everything all better.

So now I'm pissed

2009-05-07T00:15:00.005-05:00

Ok, that God damned Gokey has to go. Now.

I wouldn't have been overly upset if my dear Allison had been eclipsed by Adam or Kris, though I still think she's better than both of them, especially Kris.

But Danny is just not a great singer. And he is clearly the worst musician out of tonight's four finalists. He couldn't carry a tune if it had another cock he was ready to suck hanging off of it. (Hell, if NV isn't posting, someone has to be filthy here.)

The only sweet thing about Allison getting kicked off tonight is that she R-O-C-K-E-D during her closing number - she is better than Janis Joplin. Really. That, and she totally blew off that asshole Cowell and you could tell he was pissed by how he glared at her. He deserved it, that piece of shit. They're all in Clive Davis's pocket and are just doing as they are told. They aren't allowed to like anyone but Cockey at this point.

On a related note, need I remind America that although Allison is only 17, that mediocre talent Jordin Sparks was 16 when she WON? Blech.

I'm adding Allison's exit to the list of other great injustices of the world, like the Holocaust and flip-flops.

Grrrr.

Hokey Gokey

2009-05-06T21:06:00.003-05:00

Danny Gokey didn't spend last night laughing over his caterwauling performance, he spent it sucking off every single person in America! I hope it felt good for y'all!

It was heartening to see that someone had enough respect for Paula (now with fewer painkillers!) to keep the lights off so we couldn't see her lips but could still catch her flips.

What was up with Gwen Stinkfani? She's not just a girl, she's B-A-N-A-N-A-S and an even more horrifying singer than I recalled.

Thank you American Idol for reminding me that Chris Daughtry's ego is now only slightly larger than his guitar and has been taking voice lessons from pokey Gokey.

Argh.

How can I be the first to realize this?

2009-05-06T19:41:00.004-05:00

My blogging pals on Idolatry, you are seriously dropping the ball here. I simply cannot believe no one has yet come to the damning realization I am ready to utter. I am neither very creative nor observant, so I just don't understand how this universal truth could have escaped this entire blog circle.

Danny Gokey is nothing but an imitation of Michael Bolton. And a poor one at that.

I never would have dreamed there could exist such a thing as a worse Michael Bolton. But thanks to the graces of both the good Lord and Danny's dead wife, there is.

I hereby christen AI's most annoying contestant ever, Danny Bolton Gokey.

Dream on, Danny

2009-05-06T18:00:00.003-05:00

Because you can screw up the words to a song, miss notes and sound like that poor Howard Dean at a rally and still they give you an "A" for effort. Meanwhile, Allison and Kris get panned because Randy isn't "feelin' it". And the looks on both A&K's faces as they got their critiques indicated that they now know there is a limit on positive comments from the judges, what since no matter what they do they simply cannot become Danny. In fact, I almost expected one of them to fight back at Simon by saying it outright.

Not only did Danny's singing suck, he looked like a complete idiot in his shirt and vest. It's like he thought it was Kenny Rogers night and he was about to sing The Gambler. And what's up with that stupid accent he has? He's from Milwaukee so anything other than a wide Sconny nasal is a complete put-on, likely in that misguided Timberlake-esque attempt to sound "street". And could he have been any more egotistical in the way he received the just slightly not completely sycophantic comments? I'll-have-to-listen-to-it-I-don't-think-it-could-have-been-THAT-bad my ass, Hokey. My DOG sings better than you did last night.

On a more positive note, I loved Adam last night. I thought his fake Led Zeppelin was perfect, he was charming and his duet with Allison made me happy. Flannery's right...they were really cute together. He's a class act, and while I'm still an Allison person I am now happy with the prospect of Adam as the next American Idol.

Well, They Figured Out How To Open And Close The Show With Adam

2009-05-06T07:03:00.006-05:00

Can I just say that that was the best episode of American Idol I've ever seen? I love me some Adam and I've been wanting to see him sing with Allison for awhile now. They are so cute together and I love that Adam took Allison to his hairstylist. He's done a lot for her confidence and not just by helping her with a make-over. They've been very supportive of each other and you can see it when it's elimination time.

This is what "Rock and Roll" night never could be before. The combination of the great talent this year + Slash + band on the stage + Ryan Seacrest = Rock Cred. However, Randy and Kara did there best to shred all that up. What's with her ~~Danny Zuko~~ Kinicki [edited to save my car...I don't want no beef with Beckeye and I can't race at Thunder Road this weekend...I've got to go see Star Trek] act on rock night? I thought for a minute she was going to throw on her T-birds jacket, comb her hair, light a cigarette and start a rumble with the Scorpions. She's really embarassing.

I think Kris' time is up...there are too many people in love with Danny and Kris' meh performance will be his doom. He probably should have done Revolution. He would have stood out with that tune.

By the way, I want to see Adam as Conrad Birdie in the next production of Bye Bye Birdie. He's the perfect combination of talent, good looks and quirk.

Ways To Make Them Sing Better

2009-04-29T20:49:00.006-05:00

Loser has to donate their liver or a kidney or an organ of Natalie Cole's choice on a very special edition of "Idol Gives Back". Natalie will then sing directly to them the 'together forever' bit from that song.

Down to five

2009-04-23T19:46:00.004-05:00

So. Only half right, luckily, and it was Lil and Anoop with the tickets home this week. All in all, this is an acceptable result. I mean, I still think that dorky Matt should have gone before Anoop, but at least young Allison is safe. It was really only a matter of time for Mr. Desai, bless him. He just didn't have the dead wife required to make so-so talent a lasting Idol contender. I wish him luck, though. He's a good kid.

Which leaves us Allison, Matt, Kris and the Chosen Ones. I so dislike Danny and Matt that I have decided to become an Adam supporter - acknowledging that I cannot beat them, I am officially joining them. If we get to a top three of Allison, Kris and Adam I will at least feel that talent has won the day, and then I guess I'll get over it when Allison and Kris don't win.

I'm not sure why it's become so important to me that Danny and Matt go home immediately, but it has.

Danny is a smug, holier-than-thou hack. For me, he has come to embody all of the evil, self-centered, hypocritical fake love of the modern day Kristian. On the surface, he's all sweetness and light, but none of it is reflected in his eyes unless they're talking about him. Am I being judgmental and basing that critique on stereotypes? Perhaps. Is it evil and unkind of me to judge someone so harshly, especially when I don't know them? Absolutely. But I'm convinced that Danny thinks God is going to help him beat Adam in the final because Adam is gay, which I find offensive in both the presumption and the content. (I mean, here's the church's website - these folks use ALL the buzzwords that indicate they believe God loves some people more than others.) It would be great to be wrong about this. It would be great if Danny is actually an open-minded guy who doesn't believe he knows more about what God wants for this world than the rest of us, and who doesn't think being gay damns you to eternal hellfire. But I doubt it. And since that's what I believe, I don't want Danny to win. I want Danny to be voted off immediately so he can be relegated to Praise Radio where he belongs.

As for Matt, he seems like a nice enough guy but he just doesn't perform at the same level as the others. He should just have the Justin Timberlake surgery and leave us alone.

America, please come to your senses and send these two packing.

Disco night sucked

2009-04-22T14:10:00.003-05:00

On disco night, I wanted to see some disco, not each artist trying to be coy by performing the lyrics and melody of a disco tune in a completely different style. Therefore, this episode had me pissed on many levels... and since I went in with a bad attitude because I had to look at that stupid Matt Girard another week, let's just say there was a lot of yelling in our house last night.

Lil can't sing. She has totally lost any groove she ever had. I blame the judges' sycophantic ass kissing of Hokey and Lambear. While they're busy chasing the rainbows and unicorns these two are s*$%%$#g, they've reduced all other contestants' critiques to:

1) You can really blow/sing, have great pipes, etc.

2) You are really true to yourself/have a great style/give it your all

3) That song wasn't right for you/you haven't found your style/you were pitchy

4) You look nice tonight (and 4a) WTF are you wearing)

5) No matter what happens (i.e. when Adam and Danny-Dead-Wife make the finals), you should know that you're talented, too. Kind of.

Lil keeps getting 1, 2 and 4 or 4a, the worst combination ... and I think it really psychs her out. I don't blame her. No matter what she does, she gets 1, 2 or 4. It's like they're not even watching her perform.

Kris is my favorite. I think he's great. I was annoyed he didn't do a disco song in a disco fashion, but if I suspend that bias I thought his performance last night was great. Kris sounds like someone whose record I'd buy. Plus he's cute, and he's a way better dancer than either of the Annointed, and I like that he still has his wife in the audience close up every week despite Simon's cynical advice from earlier in the competition. His performance earns him 1, 2 and 5, which is the best praise any non-Danny/Adam will get this season.

Danny was off key. The judges complemented him on his excellent pitch. His arrhythmic dancing and same-ole-same-ole voice were boring at best. Everyone but Simon thought he was riveting and very sexy. I thought the arrangement was overproduced and he threw in a bit too much white-people-mega-church-gospel styling. The judges thought it was funky and clever. Perhaps they were referring to one of the dress-rehearsals where they actually wrote their comments. And how is it that no one feels compelled to point out that each performance he gives now is exactly like one he's given earlier in the competition, when they seem so hell bent on commending Adam for the way he constantly "changes things up"? I have to leave the room (or fast forward) because Hokey is really messing with my blood pressure.

Frankly, more than the dullness and the bad dancing and bad pitch Hokey kicks out every week, my biggest problem with him is that he's a pompous, over-confident ass. He doesn't even try to look humble or fallible. He just sits there with a yeah-I-WAS-really-great-tonight-I-really-liked-that-part-too smugness while the judges laud him with praise. Heck, even Adam looks flattered when they say nice things (though he has had all that theatrical training which is likely coming in handy.) I want nothing more than to see his utter shock and horror when he gets put in the bottom 3. But the Kristian block is voting for America's Charismatic Youth Director, so that is unlikely.

Allison, as usual, rocked the house. Personally, I didn't much like the arrangement (and neither did RandKara,) but she still managed to pull it off. Were I a judge, I would tell her that she should try NOT being so true to herself, because sometimes it doesn't suit the song. The rocker background bass overshadowed her, and it would be nice to see her try something softer sometimes. She is my other favorite, and the judges give her 1,2 & 5, too, but with the hint of 3 from RandKara it isn't quite as good as Kris'. So she's in the bottom 3, I think.

The shoulder pads and hourglass tailoring of Adam's suit were distracting, and why must he be made to look like a foppish Elvis every time he sings a ballad? Can he not scream tenderly with his eyeliner and hairshag in their natural state? I thought the arrangement of "If I Can't Have You" just revealed the silliness of the song's lyrics, and even though he's very talented and has a lovely voice, it made no more sense to me than would a tender, emotive ballad version of "John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt". But no matter. The judges worship Adam as a God.

I really want to like Adam, but I just don't. I mean, he's talented, he's odd, he's flamboyantly gay on the most-watched television series in America...all things that appeal to me. I'll even go so far as to say I wish him well. But I think Kris and Allison are a better reflection of what AI brings to the music industry. Adam was already doing well and he doesn't actually need this. That said, once it does get down to the Lambear-Hokey final, I'll be voting 700 times for Adam.

Matt sucked. He came off as an ugly Justin Timberlake impersonator, his vocals were a mess and he proved why the save was wasted on him. Which probably explains why he got a 1,2,4 and 5 critique to cover up the grotesque error in judgement.

Anoop chose a stupid song, and though his vocals weren't horrible, the performance was strictly b-grade. I didn't actually listen to the critiques but I think he got a 1,2 kind of 5, with a 4 from Crazy Paula. I still think he's cute, though.

Bottom Three: Matt or Anoop, Lil, Allison

Should go home: Matt and Lil.

Will go home: Lil and Allison (hopefully causing Simon to tell Matt point blank that they should not have saved him and that Kara is fired for pushing them to do it.)

My deepest, darkest wish to send packing: Matt and Danny - Gumby bites it anyway, and now their Hand of God is not available to save Hokey from his own mediocrity.

The judges save

2009-04-16T16:08:00.002-05:00

Seriously. They saved Matt Girard?! That's ridiculous.

I fear that Allison will end up in the bottom 2 next week and then she'll be off the show, and that stupid Gumby will have a post-save bounce and be safe. Those judges suck.

On the other hand, perhaps so many people will try to vote for Matt to keep him safe that they figure one week of not voting for Danny won't hurt him. And then he'll go back to his praise band on Sunday mornings and we won't have to listen to him breathe in the middle of his songs' (deep breath!!!!!) phrases.

Songs from Moviezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2009-04-14T20:37:00.000-05:00

...huh? What? It's over?

That was the probably the worst episode of American Idol in the history of Idol. It was so bad it danced on the path of worstness. Two Brian Adams songs? Quentin Tarantino coaching singers? And don't forget Danny Deadwife's subtle use of the harp to communicate "endless love" to his dead wife, who is an angel and only speaks harp. GAG ME.

Oy.

And why not fire Kara instead of cutting Simon out of 50% of the judgery? What has she really brought to the competition that Randy hasn't already covered? I mean "artistry" is the new "pitchy," dawg.

And was Paula wearing a bejeweled spinal column?

Not even Ryan and his mad time management skillz and Adam and his gifts from outer space could save this one.

Bottom three? Anoop, Matt, and Lil. Going home? Matt. But who really cares after tonight. Ugh.

Dale is evil but he's funny

2009-04-09T00:06:00.003-05:00

I really could not take another night of listening to Blind Scott sing, so I'm really glad he's gone. Really.

But I'll admit I did tear up watching the judges seriously deliberate saving him - and frankly I think it was all for show. I felt actual terror in my heart at the thought that they might waste their only save on him. They'll need it for Allison, I fear.

But I'm not a TOTAL bitch (like Dale) and I did feel a glimmer of sentimentality for the poor guy. (Poor guy....hell, he's headed for a career a lot more fun than mine so who is he to complain?)

Nonetheless, it was kinda sad. But childbirth is also painful and someone has to do it.

Bye Scott. Don't come back soon, please.

I Can See Clearly Now

2009-04-08T21:17:00.004-05:00

My final picks

2009-04-08T20:56:00.001-05:00

I want the final to be Allison vs. Kris or Danny. And then I want Allison to win.

And you know how I can be when I don't get my way.

Just sayin'.

CP

What's the big damn deal?

2009-04-08T20:19:00.002-05:00

I am not an Adam fan, but I will admit that he's had some really good performances. That said, I absolutely hated the version he did of Mad World last night. I thought his arrangement sucked, and I don't get why everyone is raving.

Ok, this about wraps it up

2009-04-07T23:20:00.001-05:00

Matt: I think he's a cute kid. Lil totally deserves to go before he does. Sorry MJ.....

Kris: I forgot to comment on him earlier. This kid is adorable. If I were 20 years younger.....

Adam: Sorry fans, not feeling him. Simon is officially on crack. Or maybe he wants "favors" from Adam.

I still have part of a beer left. Oh, what the hell.

G'night.

I'm too lazy to make more drinks

2009-04-07T22:51:00.003-05:00

Here's the latest update on my AI watching:

Lil: MJ, I'm sorry, but I'm just not feeling her. Neither are the judges. She must have peaked early. Suffer, Pope!

Anoop: He's growing on me. He touched me tonight. And it wasn't a bad touch. That Cyndi Lauper song always makes me cry, and he succeeded.

Scott: Nice enough guy, but I just can't stand his voice. Oh my God, this song is heinous. Is this Peter Cetera? Or just Chicago? I've blocked it - never thought I'd have to listen to it again. MY EARS! MY EARS! I'm always afraid he's going to walk off the edge of the stage, too. I'd like his brother's phone number, however. Hah, Randy just told him he wants him to "leap off the stage." (vocally)

Allison: Ok, which judge is going to say "You don't have to make me love you, because I do?" As for me, Coaster Punchman, I LOVE THIS GIRL. I LOVE THIS GIRL. But I'm worried that she might lose this week because when the good ones go out early it's almost ALWAYS after they've done a sad, victim-based ballad. I need to vote for her multiple times. And Simon is a jackass. She's incredibly likeable.

Ok, so I guess I am original. Allison doesn't have to make me love her. I already do.

And I'm not drunk any more. Shit.

I call for an end to the Gokey-bashing!

2009-04-07T22:11:00.002-05:00

I've decided I love Danny Gokey. I don't care about his dead wife. She was probably a bitch anyway.

Number of cocktails consumed: 4 + one beer

Number of Poor George ribs consumed: 3 and working on 4th. Unfortunately it will counteract my alcohol consumption.

Number of plates of Poor George mac 'n cheese consumed: 1. I'm almost done with it and I'll be sad.

I'm going to hell.

Fantasia rocks

2009-04-07T21:32:00.001-05:00

Out of all the winning song finales (or whatever you call that when the winner has to sing) Fantasia's is the bestest of the best. I sat here and cried like a baby while she performed. She just radiates eternity.

God I'm drunk..

Cocktails consumed: approximately 4

Auditions are STUPID

2009-04-07T20:48:00.002-05:00

I'm about 1/3 the way through the 'Best of American Idol Seasons 1-4' DVD. I have the following observations:

* Kelly Clarkson is hot. It's not fair that some people get all the looks and the talent. Although I'm happy that she's porked out a bit. And I don't even mean that in a mean way.

* I am OVER the auditions. O-V-E-R. About 2/3 of what I've seen on this DVD so far are rehashes of all the bad auditions. And Simon says "Oh yeah, all these people are genuine."

Balls.

Cocktails consumed: about 2 1/2

Mood: giddy

Holy Sh*t!

2009-04-07T20:06:00.003-05:00

Gentle Readers,

Poor George flew up to San Francisco to see Mama Gin. Leaving me all alone on Idol night. (At least I think tonight is Idol night; I haven't checked the TV listings.)

So how do I cope? By fixing up a nice plate 'o nachos with red beans, jalapenos, jack cheese, olives, and oh yeah, you do need the damn tortilla chips.

And a nice shaker 'o pomo-peach cosmos to go with it.

'Cept I don't normally mix cocktails for one, so I didn't even think about what I was doing. And now I've got mee-self a nice double batch. It may even be a triple, on accounta I provide a generous pour even when it's just PG and me.

I'm beginning the evening by watching a DVD I got from the library - "The Best of American Idol Seasons 1-4." Then I'll move on to the real thing. I will provide periodic updates throughout the evening.

Fasten your seatbelts. It's gonna be a bumpy night.

CP

Megan Joy is G-O-N-E

2009-04-03T11:55:00.003-05:00

Hooray! I so disliked her and her stupid ink sleeve. I didn't like her voice, I didn't like her song selection, and I didn't like constantly hearing how pretty she was. I did, however, find her dancing highly amusing. And I'm sure some avaricious record producer will snap her up...she's just as weird and campy as Amy Winehouse, but with a prettier package and none of those pesky drug problems yet. Surely there are mainstream bimbos that want to seem edgy just dying for an album of fake "standards" from a warbling thumb-dancer.

So who's next? I've accepted that Hokey's going no place. They've figured out the dead wife pimping was hurting his chances and are repackaging him (they didn't even mention that his grandfather died this week, so afeared were they that his personal death theme would lose votes.) Therefore I will focus my bile on Scott McIntyre and Matt Girard - they are easily the two next most annoying contestants. Not only are they the two most likely to appear with a piano, but they're neither one all that entertaining. Just don't ask me to choose...Scott's muzak suck ass, but I'm secretly loving the whole screw-with-the-blind-guy's-outfit-and-hair game that the stylists are playing. (That way they can remind us he's blind without actually verbalizing it, which would be tacky. Right, Ryan?) And while his vocals are sometimes better than Scott's, the ridiculously tight pants and unicorn pimple Mr. Girard sports each week are just tragic and hard to look at. And I think the cross-eyed guy is his dad.

American Midol

2009-03-31T22:05:00.005-05:00

How will Anoop ever take the Slumdog Idol title with all those white guy friends? It'll never work!

If only Megan could find that one song, you know, like Edie Brickell did that one time, oh and find a chisel for the Osmond teeth.

Danny looks, sounds like and is, I'm convinced, one of the Avenue Q puppets, the one with the dead wife.

Allison? The only person who should ever utter the words 'Don't Speak' and get away with it is Dianne Wiest. I hate this song by anyone.

Rather than hear Scott sing, I think they should just have him sit there while the deaf guy from Amazing Race signs the words for him.

Who knew a mole could be embarrassed?! Poor Matt. And poor Matt's mole!

I wish Lil would do that part from the Natalie Cole song 'This Will Be' that goes hugging and squeezing and kissing and pleasing, together forever through rain or whatever yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! and then go back to the motel.

The term "screaming queen" perfectly describes Adam the ~~ant~~ man and Adam the artist.

This is the first time I have slowed down the fast forward on Chris. He also belongs in the cast of Avenue Q but at least did a decent job.

Other weirdness: One of the contestants has a cross eyed friend or dad they cut to a few times, oh my. Also, why was David Spade there in the audience behind Randy? And where did he disappear to for one song and then show up again after?

Best orgasm faces while singing: Anoop and Kris, neither of whom I needed to imagine in this way.

Live blogging - judgity judge judge judge

2009-03-31T19:32:00.002-05:00

Let's start by saying a) Paula's dress is silly, and b) Kara is more annoying than pretty much anything ever.

Anoop - I think he's handsome. I like his jacket with the chain on the shoulder. But I don't think he's in the same key as his backup singers, and this just feels a little all over the place. I love him, but it's all a little bit of a mess. In fact, I'm going with big mess.

Corkme - Oh God help us. She's going to massacre Bob Marley now. I hate her. But it's really fun to watch her "dance." It's twitchy and Elaine-thumb-dancy, and combining that with her warble-voiced song "stylings," she might be the worst AI contestant ever. EVER. EVERRRRRR.

Danny - What since Adam Lambert had a big hit with his slowed down unplugged number last week, Danny's decided to "mix things up" with an orchestral arrangement. Boy, Danny. That was original. I never would have expected it. (YAWN.) And may I just point out that Hokey has a problem with his breathing, as in he breathes at all sorts of inappropriate moments when he's singing. Please, someone point this out to him. Stop the creepy Danny worship, because he isn't all that good.

Allison - This will be a tough one, because I adore her but she's selected a Gwen Stefani song. And I am completely OVER this whole hide behind the instruments thing. But I think she's doing a fabulous job on this song. Seriously fabulous. And I give no credence to Randy Jackson's fashion advice. None whatsoever. Yes, the outfit is a little silly. But she's adorable in it, it's age appropriate for a 16-year-old girl and she looks like Cyndi Lauper.

Scott - He's not actually going to do a Billy Joel song, is he? Oh my. It wasn't a bad joke. He really IS singing a Billy Joel song. And they've played another joke on the blind guy with that Fonzie mullet. This does not bode well. I'll say that his vocals are probably better than they've been in the finals which, while it doesn't make this muzak performance good, it makes it slightly more bearable than usual. HA! Kara loves his new look. Does he even know he has one? And Paula brings up his blindness, which means that she figures he's in trouble. All things considered, I still don't think he belongs on the show anymore, but he deserves to stay longer than Corkme.

Gumby - He's wearing a Member's Only jacket. Is HE blind, too?! I like this song, so we'll see how he does. Hmmm. I'm ambivalent. Not particularly interesting version, and he's kind of pitchy. I think abandoning the piano would have been a good idea, because it kind of makes him look desperate and angry. I was getting used to him, and now I don't like him again. Of course, with Corkme and Scott still in the mix, he still deserves to stay. And I've never noticed that bump in the middle of his forhead. If that's a zit, then I say well done for even getting on the stage tonight.

Lil - I like the wig. What since I think Celine Dion is ridiculous I've never heard this song before so I have no idea if she's "making it her own" or not, but I like this better than what I've heard from her lately so I'm going to vote for her. And I love that she's got a big ass. Hey look! Ryan stood directly between Kara and the camera while she was talking! Cool! The judges are totally off her. They want her to go home. Yet they love Corkme. Go figure.

Adam, the white boy, is playing that funky music. He seems to have fused the whole Elvis hair from last week with his usual screaming theatrical personality. I love this song, and I hate what he's doing to it. I will never like him. Sadly, I fear I'm the only one.

Kris is singing a bitchin' Bill Withers song, and he's doing an amazing job. He has a lovely voice and this arrangement kicks ass. But he's breathing into the mic too much and it's rustling like wind. I don't understand how Kris is even on the same show as an idiot like Megan. And he makes Hokey and Lambert look like Vegas showgirls. W.O.W.

Voting for Kris, Allison and Lil because I want her to have another chance.

Bye, Bye, American Pie

2009-03-30T22:10:00.006-05:00

I watched the elimination round on Wednizzday night while stone cold sober. Thanks for your concern.

Anyone else glad to see Sarver go? I really resent the hardcore American Pie contestant they bring on each year. They are usually so in-your-face ordinary that the only obvious explanation for their presence is that they fill a Token requirement.

He should count his hillbilly blessings that he's at least going on tour -- they make money on tour, right? More money for OxyContin. And he can foot the bill for the rape kit when things get out of hand at the next family reunion.

Chivalry is not dead.

(S)Hit, (S)Hit, (P)Ass

2009-03-27T15:00:00.004-05:00

Has anyone ever watched it stoned? It's infinitely more grotesque, trust.

Unfortunately, I have to admit that Lambert cleans up nice. He looked like a lesbian on her way to City Hall for a civil union. Cold cuts and non-alcoholic beer would be served at the reception.

I'd recap, but all I remember feeling is utter terror.

My brief response

2009-03-25T22:04:00.002-05:00

Girard - It was better than I expected. But you're all teeth, no gums. And why play the piano at all for that performance? We get it. You play the piano. Move on.
Kris - I take it all back. You are memorable, and I really like you. You're also kind of cute.
Scott - No fair making the blind guy wear that outfit. You're too earnest. Go make easy listening records and leave us alone.
Megan - It's shocking that anyone is still pretending you are anything other than a no-talent annoyance. And put some shoes on, tramp.
Anoop - I don't like that song at all, but I like you so it's okay. Get those brows threaded, though.
Sarver - Did you hit ANY of the notes?
Lil - You looked great, but I agreed with most of the judges that you were not that interesting. Pick up your game, because I like you.
Adam - My, you're the dramatic one, aren't you? Blow us some air kisses and stop trying to look like Elvis.
Danny - That marching in place really added to the whole effect of your performance.
Allison - Holy shit, girl. That was awesome.

American Retard

2009-03-18T14:50:00.004-05:00

Can Danny Gokey please go the way of the wifey bird and die? We have to hear about his dead wife more than even any other contestant on the show and, frankly, I'm not feeling it. I know we need the token sympathy vote, but couldn't we pick a 15 year old quadriplegic orphan with brain cancer, or something?

I'm fully expecting Simon to have Mrs. Gokey exhumed (if only for ratings) and prop her up as another wild card contestant. I bet she'd be really stiff competition. Zing!

I hate everyone except Fake Michael Boob-lay. He's charming, mostly because he's not talented. I like guys who keep it rill.

Adam Lambert's future? One word, one wish: AIDS.

More hate later.

Never can say I'm sorry...to see Jorge go home

2009-03-12T00:13:00.005-05:00

I do feel bad for the guy because it appears he has feelings, but I really didn't want to watch him cry for the next 13 weeks. And now he is free to go practice his lecherous glare somewhere else, far away from my tv monitor.

Despite my calling Kelly C. a tramp, I do love the gal. She's put on a little poundage too and I think it's cute on her. I hate those skinny Sex in the City bitches (or SKIBS as Poor George and I call them.)

My life would SUCK without American Idol!

Kelly Clarkson is singing on the results show tomorrow

2009-03-11T00:12:00.005-05:00

I miss Melinder

I'm glad to hear Kelly Clarkson will be back for the results show tomorrow. I get the impression she made herself a bit of a persona non grata by acting like an ungrateful little tramp for a few years. Maybe she's come to her senses and realized she'd be NOTHING without these people.

I still like her----but I wouldn't be doing my duty if I neglected to inform her of the error of her ways. That's what Punchmen are born to do.

So tonight's performances: gotta say, not bad, really. There are more than few good people this year. With that, a few thoughts:

-- That Gokey kid is pretty good. I hope he doesn't learn to dance; we need more JPL moments.

-- Sarver is still eligible to be my resident galoot. Until I have proof of any possible Mormonness in him, I'll remain a fan.

-- Kris Allen is kinda cute too. God, I must be in a good mood tonight. Somebody help me.

-- Oh, here we go: Jorge Nunez really bugs me. He's got the Molly Shannon crazy eyes, and I don't buy that accent for a second. He's been pouring it on more and more after what Simon said a few weeks ago. Jorge looks like a sort of lech. When he looks straight on into the camera, I feel unsettled.

-- Megan Cork-Me is one of Simon's pretty blond flash in the pans. (Anyone remember Carmen Rasmussen, the Mormon from Season Two that Simon saved with the wildcard vote even though she had less talent than Tom Arnold's retarded third cousin?) I don't know yet if Megan is a Mormon, but if she is, good for her for getting a divorce. But Jesus kids, let's stop using our children as a way to get sympathy votes. It's cheap, and so is Megan.

-- Adam Lambert: I want to sit him down and give him a crew cut. I hate that hairstyle he wears. No, I don't hate it, I abhor it. I want it dead. Liked his performance OK but I'm a bit puzzled why all four judges were lined up to blow him. I've felt that way about a few of our performers over the years, most notably Melinder Doolittle, and even then ALL the judges weren't ready to lick her privates til she glimmered and shimmered. Only Paula was.

-- Matt Giraud: I thought he was great. Who cares if he followed the bad hair guy?

-- The Blind Guy: I'm kinda over him.

Done.

Grand Ole Opry week

2009-03-10T16:02:00.003-05:00

VFTW claims there is going to be a Grand Ole Opry week, and they gave a list of songs from which contestants will be asked to select theirs for performance. I've taken the liberty of selecting FOR them, as follows:

MEGAN JOY: What Was I Thinkin by Dierks Bentley
ANOOP DESAI: Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash
LIL ROUNDS: Jolene by Dolly Parton
JORGE NUNEZ: Chattahoochee, by Alan Jackson
ALEXIS GRACE: Poor Poor Pitiful Me by Terry Clark
ADAM LAMBERT: Fancy by Reba McIntyre
MATT GIRARD: Honky Tonk Badonkadonk by Trace Adkins
ALLISON IRAHETA: Walkaway Joe by Trisha Yearwood
MICHAEL SARVER: If Loving You Is Wrong I Don't Want to Be Right by Barbara Mandrell
SCOTT MCINTYRE: Why'd You Come In Here Lookin' Like That by Dolly Parton
JASMINE MURRAY: Friends in Low Places by Garth Brooks
DANNY GOKEY: She Thinks I Still Care by George Jones
KRIS ALLEN: Who Cares by No one knows who you are so you'll be long gone by then

Wild card reactions

2009-03-05T17:17:00.003-05:00

Seriously. You let that Langseth girl and that off key Corkrey chick through, and pass on Ju'not and Kristin McNamara? Seriously.

You people are lame. Completely and utterly lame.

And you only need Von Smith OR Ricky Braddy. They're basically the same guy. Actually, that's completely unfair. I think Ricky Braddy is cute.

The above was written before the show. Now that they've made their final 13, I say that Meghan Corkrey or whatever her stupid name is has obviously entered in some unholy alliance with the AI producers, because she is a talentless hillbilly Mormon with ugly ink, or tats, as the kids are calling them. As my friend Chuckles would say, DIE BITCH DIE. (Figuratively, of course. I don't actually wish her dead.)

And may I point out that, of the five female contestants, two are teenagers and three have little kids. For some reason this bugs me. A lot.

Wild card predictions

2009-03-04T14:23:00.002-05:00

Jorge, Felicia, Lil, Von Smith and Ju'not if any of them lose tonight, and maybe that McNamara girl. (Blind guy is in for sure.)

Anoop, Ricky Braddy, and that stupid Anne Marie Boskovich. Jasmine Murray, Kai Kalama, and Matt Girard. And if they have a brain in their head, they'll bring Nick Mitchell and Titsiana back. Danny Gokey's dead wife can only take the season so far.

Talent week

2009-03-03T22:39:00.001-05:00

It was apparently Talent Week on American Idol. Don't get me wrong, there were some stupid, bad, even ridiculous performances. But compared to the last two weeks it was like watching the Grammys.

Double rats

2009-02-18T15:11:00.004-05:00

Not one week after I begged for the demise of Titsiana-del-Loco and Danny-Dead-Wife, both of them come out as the top performers of the night.

This first night of voting might have been the absolute worst night of Idol ever, outside of an audition show, of course. Of the twelve contestants, I'd say only about five of them were on pitch, and pretty much every performance was a complete snoozefest. Mind you, these twelve contestants aren't the only talent for the year, therefore it's too early to say if it's going to be a good season. And I still think that Stephen Fowler, Ricky Braddy and Anoop-Dawg would be good finalists, but I don't think any of them are going to make it off this show unless they are let in as wild cards. But when you've got that Stevie Wright singing karaoke and that Casey Carlson doing a Sarah-Palin wink with an Elaine Bennis thumb dance, well, the season is NOT getting off to a good start.

The one GOOD thing to come from the night: Jackie Tohn has earned a worthy nickname...thanks to those nasty spandex pants, for the remainder of the season she will be known as Jackie 'Toe. (Yes, CP, it WAS Taco Night on American Idol. Perhaps there is a new sponsorship deal in the works.)

I text-voted for Anoop and Titsiana. I know. I suck.

Let's get this party finished

2009-02-18T01:02:00.004-05:00

This is a picture of a crazy girl. Guess what her name is.

Gentle Readers,

Finally the stupid audition shows are over and we can start taking control of this train wreck. However, I remain underwhelmed by tonight's first live show of Season 8, and leave you with the following thoughts:

Jackie Thon: I am so glad to have Simon here tonight. Those other three judges must have been on crack to say ANYTHING positive about her. To paraphrase David Sedaris in all his wisdom, I would characterize that performance as having violated virtually every aspect of my basic human rights. I strongly suspect that those trousers featured some prominent camel toe, although I was afraid to look too closely.

Ricky Braddy: Someone needs to tell him the faux-hawk look is out. He's pretty good for a white kid trying to sound black, but those last few notes made my ears bleed. Worse than Melanie Griffith even. And what's with the wedding ring --- Mormon? And I'm afraid of his parents with those t-shirts.

Alexis Grace: I'd be more impressed if she were wearing something more than underwear.

Brent Keith: Nice eyes but he won't be back. And he talked back to Simon. No go. Mormon?

Stevie Wright: Oh honey, you seem nice but that was the worst karaoke I've ever heard.

Anoop dog: Trim the eyebrows.

Casey Carlson: I can't decide if she was better or worse than Stevie. And what is with the Loretta Lynn haircut circa 1972?

Michael Sarver: I don't know why wedding rings on these young guys makes me think they're Mormon. Probably because they are. This guy should be one of the football player-singers on "High School Musical." I kind of like him because he's different in a Taylor Hicks kinda way. He could be this season's resident galoot.

Ann Marie Boscovich: THIS is her "own spin" on that song? Forgettable. Pretty girl, though. Ok, tell me Ryan did NOT just put his hand over his crotch to cover up his excitement at her sitting "on the hard part." She totally knew what she was saying - I am not fooled for one second. Good for her. Slut.

Tatiana Del Toro: Oh good, a psychotic Rican girl. Never seen THAT before.... almost makes me miss New York. How appropriate that she'd choose a Whitney song. Lord, this girl is crazier than Tom Cruise in a furniture store.

Danny Gokey: I think this guy may have actually killed his wife so that he could use it on the show. I say this mainly because he looks a little like Robert Downey Jr. I'm not sure I've ever seen a guy tackle Mariah, but Randy must be ready to shit his pants. Paula needs to sit down. On Ann Marie's "hard part."

My Idol Hopes and Dreams

2009-02-15T08:02:00.007-05:00

The blind guy has to at least make it to the point where they do a big number with choreography. Are you telling me you wouldn't tune in to see the kids all criss crossing the stage and his white cane a-flapping to the strains of "I keep workin' my way back to you babe..."? It'd also be a dream to see him behind the wheel in one of their cheesy Ford commercials.

Also, Norman Gentle for the win please. Come on America! Only you can do it!

My thoughts on the final 36

2009-02-12T16:22:00.003-05:00

I'm completely torn. I can't decide who I want off the show first: Dead-Wife-Danny, Titsiana-del-Loco or Hysterical-Headband-Guy (aka My-Mom's-In-Jail).

In early competition, my faves are Nick Mitchell, Ju'not Joyner, Lil Rounds, Stephen Fowler, Anoop Desai, Matt Breitzke, Taylor Vaifanua and Jeanine Vailes. (I fear Taylor may be one of this year's Mormons, though, which would change my vote. And yes, I said Nick Mitchell. That Norman Gentle bit cracks me up every time. It's like someone told him to be a gay Taylor Hicks.)

Oh, and let's add in Ricky Braddy because he might have the worst name for a future star ever. Every time they say his name I start to correct them ("It's pronounced BRAY-dee!"), or get a flash of Talladega Nights.

This year's theme

2009-01-28T22:18:00.004-05:00

I've got it! This year, Simon and the gang are looking for the new Winehouse/Feist/Duffy/Adele sound-alike to cash in on the husky voiced soulstress craze. This is going to really annoy me.

And FYI to trampy Mormon girl in the layered wife-beaters: Just because you had a baby, it does NOT follow that you can now be the American Idol. If that were true, that chick in California that just birthed eight would totally kick your sorry ass.

It's Mormon Night!

2009-01-28T20:43:00.004-05:00

Crazy Horses! It's Mormon night on American Idol, and we start out with an actual singing Osmond. With MS no less! This is going to be good.

Welcome to Utah! The friendliest place on earth! Unless you happen to be gay, in which case we'll marry your dead relatives to each other, but we want nothing to do with you. You better watch your back, Ryan.

Was this the guy that got married on line?

2009-01-21T09:15:00.005-05:00

I saw the wedding happen and I could have sworn Season 6's Brandon Rogers was the groom. I was settling in for some back story from Ryan but he just swept right past this. Perhaps I'm wrong, but dude looked just like him. Anyway, I can't confirm this since I clicked "Delete" as soon as I was done watching the show. Also, no one else seems to have picked up on this and I know the producers wouldn't let something like this slide by.

Other than that, thank God last night's show was only an hour. I'm already missing the halcyon days of last week. Of course, after the innauguration, this show was rather anti-climactic, no matter how much fighting Kara and Simon did in an under two-minute montage.

Nerd kid in the closet. I know, I know this is serious.

2009-01-14T11:41:00.002-05:00

I have been totally sucked in by the manipulative contestant storytelling. Love the blind guy. Love the tattooed chick with pink hair, and I think that moldy geek from the closet who snarked back at Simon has a bright future, at least until we get towards the final twelve.

And I was so happy to hear the Coldplay song they used. It reinforces my theory that they are talentless hacks whose sell-by date has long since passed. Oh, wait. No. They're alternative and cool. That's why they're letting AI use one of their songs.

And allow me to plug Lisa De Moraes TV column in The Washington Post...her AI summaries always make me laugh.

YAY! It's Idol season!!!!!!

I Kissed A Girl And I Liked It

2009-01-13T22:00:00.002-05:00

Ok, the moment she leaned in and kissed Ryan and they played that song, I was hooked. I laughed so hard I think I peed a little bit. What a way to ward off the Arctic Blast! My mood has vastly improved since 7:59 p.m.

I'm hopeful; it looks like they are going to be true to their word to cut back on the weirdo's this season, which is fine. The people who get through are goofy enough.

And good job to new host, Kara. She fits in well and she's got the goods to back up her opinion. And good for Paula for making it work. By the way, the little dance that one girl lead the group in was straight off of "Get Up and Dance!," Paula's aerobic DVD that I've just resumed working out to. That move was the "George Jetson," I believe. Either that or the "Ho Down."

I'm literally out of the closet. Or rather figuratively. Actually, that skinny guy literally came out of the closet. I am figuratively out of the closet. I never sat and watched Idol while in a closet, though I did hide my love for this show, but now I'll say it proudly. He actually sat in the closet to practice singing and came out after the mold made him sick. I love the way they were totally arguing the opposite.

And will I go to hell for saying it will be interesting to watch the blind guy crack? Then I won't say it...

By the way, I'm not bothering to learn/look up contestants' names. Let's see who gets past Hollywood first.

It's the honeymoon phase in Season Eight, so enjoy it while it's fresh! Remember these times when you're in the dumps of week 13.

Bring It ON!

2009-01-12T12:37:00.000-05:00

Don't forget: The two-hour premier is this week: Tuesday and Wednesday at 8:00 p.m.

I'm betting that the addition of a new lady judge, Kara DioGuardi, is going to cause our Paula to dig in her purse for pills and her flask, which can only mean one thing: More fun for us!

So, get your favorite product-placement beverage, climb into your skin-tight black tees, and artfully tousel your hair because...THIS. Is Amercian Idol Season 8, dawg!

Ace In The Hole

2008-08-25T13:04:00.002-05:00

I'd almost forgotten about this creep but look who's back and greasier than ever! Broadway will never be the same!

Drama, Drama, Drama!

2008-08-25T12:11:00.005-05:00

It looks like there's a new judge in town. Ms. Paula seems a bit grouchy about it. I think it should spice things up. What do you think?

STATLER: Boo!

WALDORF: Boooo!

S: That was the worst thing I’ve ever heard!

W: It was terrible!

S: Horrendous!

W: Well it wasn’t that bad.

S: Oh, yeah?

W: Well, there were parts of it I liked!

S: Well, I liked alot of it.

W: Yeah, it was GOOD actually.

S: It was great!

W: It was wonderful!

S: Yeah, bravo!

W: More!

S: More!

W: More!

S: More!

American Idol Tour - Second Hand News

2008-08-08T09:52:00.003-05:00

A guy who rides the train with me takes his kids each year to the Idols Live tour although I know it's really because he wants to see it. His kids are in their early 20s.

This year, he said that the bottom 6 performed a few songs each and then did a group number. When it was Ramiele's turn to sing, her microphone went out mid-song and she just kept singing until someone brought her a new one. That one conked out too and people started to boo and she just walked off stage.

There was an intermission, I'm not sure why that would be.

The top 6 did their bits, Brooke did her 'set' in bare feet. Everyone sang well but when Syesha was finished, she said "I'd like to thank you all for coming to my show".

Bla bla bla, the Davids were good bla bla bla.

That is all.

VINDICATION!

2008-05-21T22:04:00.003-05:00

This is an American Idol first: an early CP-supported candidate wins the title! And this despite the judges' lame attempt to hand Archuleta the prize on a silver platter with their scathing comments on the finals show. Shows what they know.

Although I may have to agree with Beckeye here: the producers weren't about to let another Daughtry slip away and escape the greedy clutches of Clive Davis. They may have rigged it to have Cook-boy win, and only told the judges to say the things they said to make Little Archie feel better, or at least to help him avert a beating (off) from his father.

But we'll have none of that negativity and speculation tonight here at American Idolatry, Gentle Readers. For tonight we drink a toast to the guy who deserved to win it from the start: David Cook. Tonight David took the prize for Chris, for Elliott, and especially for Melinder.

Bravo.

David Cook, here's your ass on a platter

2008-05-20T20:43:00.002-05:00

Was it the American Idol final or a David Archuleta blow-job session? "Gee David Cook, it sure was swell of you to show up tonight! Now get down on your knees and blow Little Archie. DO IT!"

The judges may as well have just said that. Jezus.

Spoiler Alert!!!

2008-05-19T12:46:00.001-05:00

I Predict the Winner of AI 7 Will Be...

highlight the text below to find out

A Guy Named "David".

You're welcome.

A-Meh-Rican Idol

2008-05-14T09:59:00.003-05:00

I could care less who wins...but I don't want to waste my time. Did you know, for Mother's Day, I got an i-Tunes gift card? I went straight to the AI stuff to download my favorite appearances. It was sort of a zen/ouija board experience. I scanned the offerings and clicked the ones I liked best. Here's what I got:

Over the Rainbow, Jason Castro
Daydream, Jason Castro
Halleluia, Jason Castro
Jail House Rock, Danny Noriega

Do you spot the trend? I guess I did have a favorite after all, but he was so under the radar, I didn't even realize it myself. Sigh. I've never been so underwhelmed by Americian Idol. I couldn't even get excited about the obvious superiority of David Cook. He's such a smug bastard with an alien dome; I just don't like him. David A is out of his league and we've already talked about She Who Must Not Be Named.

Let's hope for a total shake-up of this show for season 8. Please.

Can We Talk?

2008-05-06T21:50:00.005-05:00

Syesha is so full of shit. She somehow sold herself on the idea that the civil rights movement somehow paralleles her "Journey" on American Idol. How the fuck does the fight against centuries of oppression compare to singing 3rd rate pop songs (tonight's song excepted of course) to three opinionated bitches who don't pull punches? I'm telling you, Sam Cooke is spinning in his grave right now.

I don't believe her for a second. I think she concocted this parallel so that she could seem deep and soulful instead of shallow and soulless. But as always with this girl, she misses the mark by a country mile. It's like watching a robot randomly select artistic flourishes to create a mood she thinks we will be moved by. It's a series of macros designed to tug our heartstrings. Sure, she can sing. She's got technique up the wazoo. But she just doesn't understand. I'm totally with Randy and his bitchy retorts about her performance.

I'm so upset right now by her crocodile tears and her manhandling of a sacred protest song. You know, every since Danny Noriega left the show, I've been looking for somebody to love, somebody to move me. But every week, I come up snake eyes. No one has stepped up and left their soul on the stage. Syesha thought she did. She went through the motions, but she was just a facsimile...a painting of a shadow of the real thing.

On behalf of the living, I would like to apologize to Sam Cooke for this disaster of manipulation and lies. Let's hope America isn't buying her line of crap.

Vote For The Best!

2008-04-30T16:31:00.005-05:00

Please tell me that you won't vote off the best contestant ever America! Her performance last night made up most of the rest of that wasted hour.

In sadder news, are we never to see Brooke cry again? We'll always have the pout! Here she is with a few other ghosts of Idol past.

Music of the Night

2008-04-22T22:20:00.001-05:00

Just give it to David Cook and be done with it for cripes sake.

What Does It Say About Season Seven...

2008-04-11T13:53:00.002-05:00

...when the number one download from iTunes is the American Idol theme song? Is not one of the top 8 more compelling than that collection of sound effects?

Shock and Awwww

2008-04-10T21:25:00.009-05:00

Could Reese Witherspoon have stood any further away from the black lady she was talking to about people needing hugs on the Idol Gives Back show last night? Shocking yes, but nothing prepared me for the gasps heard around the world tonight as Michael Johns was booted from the show. His version of Dream On was really quite good and nowhere near as bad as the stink coming off of David Cook the other night.

Idol may give back but hey America, what gives?!

Quote of the Season

2008-04-09T18:53:00.001-05:00

Paula to David Cook: You did something magical in your hand. Let me see it.

The long awaited CP Idol Rankings

2008-04-09T03:11:00.004-05:00

Here is my rundown, favorites at the top and the people I want murder..... er, I mean gone, at the bottom:

1. David Cook or Jason Castro

2. David Cook or Jason Castro (my boys are tied for #1)

3. Just to reinforce that I am fickle, David Archuletta

4. Brookie

5. Crusty Lee or Scarly

6. Crusty Lee or Scarly

7. Diareesha

8. Michael I love myself more than the air that I breathe Johns

I risk the fierce wrath of Beckeye by publishing this, so let me qualify this by noting that if he were a private dude not trying to get America to love him, I would allow her to rim to her heart's content with no sarcastic banter from me. However, a private dude he ain't, and since he is putting it out there, let me as well:

I hate Michael Johns. I hate everything about him. I hate his simpering rock-star wannabe act. (Kudos to Simon for putting out the "wannabe" comparison. It was just the quality I was abhorring but couldn't quite put my finger on.) I hate his cravat. I hate his smug "look at me, am I not beautiful?" face. I hate his wide ass.

If you're going to pretend to be Eddie Vedder, then be Eddie Vedder. Sing your heart out and then tell us to go fuck ourselves. Don't put on this rock-star act and then stand in front of the judges so obviously hoping they don't tear you to shreds.

I might hate David Cook too if he were a little less ugly. But he is not (a little less ugly) so his perceived smugness feels OK to me. I get the vibe from David Cook that he would like to win but he's not ready to sell his own grandmother down the river to accomplish it. And Michael Johns is.

He even changed his name. What a complete suck up.

Done.

One question...

2008-04-08T21:32:00.001-05:00

When Paula told Michael Johns that her chijuajuas would join him up on stage, was she talking about the silicone chijuajuas that were jumping out of her top?

Exclaim!

2008-04-08T20:07:00.005-05:00

Just when I thought nothing could top seeing Larry King in jeans, along comes American Idol's Inspiration Week!

My bottom 3:

David Cook - Finally! The pomposity catches up! (although I still think he's pretty great, that sucked ass.)

Brooke - That was possibly flatter than your hair.

Carly - Welcome back (to the lower echelon)! Do you always look so angry and intense because you told him not to get those face tattoos and he just went ahead and did it?

And the rest:

David Archuleta - I thought that was much less great than the judges did. I also prayed Ryan would say - how about that polygamy thing David?

Syesha - I don't even like her but want them to lay off! She was great last week and this week! Shut up! Other exclamations!

Jason Castro - that was pretty sweet and should rock the iTunes charts hard.

Kristy Lee - not a bad job but enough with the make up, we get it, you sparkle!

Michael Johns - I could have forgiven him if the neckerchief was a one week only aberration but last night as well? Oh my. I like him but I don't like note for note recreations. Dream on big guy. (Sorry for leaving him out originally Beckeye, I guess I was blinded by science.)

See you Thursday!

Scramiele!

2008-04-02T21:49:00.007-05:00

When Ryan said to Ramiele "you can stand here proudly" I half expected her to say "but I am standing". She won me with that Dusty Springfield number back in the early 90s when this season started but lost me shortly afterward. Bye bye baby.

Good to know that whoever's in charge of Brooke's microphone is now also on Dolly Parton's payroll. Dolly, you know I love ya but if you wouldn't mind? Shut the hell up!! It's only an hour show!

Who says there isn't anything more terrifying than David Cook's ~~half formed twin~~ forehead? That 3 man string band ruined This Little Light Of Mine with their crazy pickin' and lack of grinnin' and neither Jesus or I will ever forgive them for it. I also believe the singer was wearing David's old bangs.

I remain impressed that the only person rolling their eyes through those awful Brady Bunch song and dance numbers the 'kids' are forced into seems to be me. That said, 9 to 5 may have been their strongest yet. I enjoyed the shilling for Ford commercial too so I'm not sure what that says about me. You'll think of something.

If I could fast forward, I'd dump Syesha, David Artichokeletta, GoldiDreadlocks and put the rest of them in a cage to see what happens.

So where are we?

2008-04-02T01:00:00.003-05:00

This is Jason. He bugged me at first, but now I like him. I think Beckeye is right about his case of the munchies. I like snacks too so that's OK by me.

Ok team, we have not seen a lot of posting recently. Why is that? I think this season is one of the best yet. Even the suckiest of them (Ramitello, Krusty Lee and Diareesha) are not nearly as sucky as the suckiest of years past. They should be this week's bottom 3.

I think I'm narrowing in on my favorites: David Cook, Jason, and Brooke.

Michael Johns will be a threat to my top three. I would consider trading Brooke for him, but something about his mad love for himself turns me off. He mentioned last week that he is extremely competitive, and I was not surprised because that is totally the vibe I pick up from him. Sure, he's pretty, but I get the feeling his inner asshole is quite large.

David Ahhhhhhchooo!-letta will also be a problem. The kid can sing. But that's what he is: a SINGER. I don't see him as a rock star or an American Idol. But hey, if it will actually get him away from his father and that God forsaken cult he belongs to, I'm in - if only for his sake.

This leaves Carly. Not sure where she fits in here, but it doesn't matter because she won't be far behind my bottom 3.

Done.

Yawn

2008-03-26T05:41:00.004-05:00

Yeah. I watched it. Didn't feel like typing though.

Brooke was awesome. Michael was great. Carly did OK, but I thought she was going to blow out her vocal cords. Loved David C's version of his song.

The rest sucked.

I want David A to go home. Big time. He sounds the same week after week. Getting veeeerrrry bored with him. Unfortunately, the young 'uns and grannies love him... which means he'll move on.

So tonight I hope either Kristy Lee or Ramiele go home. PLEASE.

Little Archie and friends

2008-03-19T04:31:00.004-05:00

I am really over Little Archie. It's not his fault because he's just doing what he knows how to do, so that's fine. But come on. The kid is not very interesting. Talk about a one-pony show. Get up on stage, talk about how amazing everything is, giggle like a schoolgirl, do a bunch of those little half-kneel motions when you're putting a little ornamentation on one of your crooner notes, then thank the judges and fans profusely in that cloying, self deprecating manner.

Despite my often crusty demeanor I do like "nice" people, so I feel kind of bad bashing him for that. But after a while enough is just enough. The kid is 16 and should be in school. Talk to me when he's over 21 and we'll see if he's able to add a layer of complexity to bring something new to the table. Plus maybe by then he'll shed the celestial underwear.

Cookie Boy - I call him that because although I'm still a fan, it's starting to get a little cookie-cutter with him. Chris Daughtry had the same problem; great singer, great performer, but every song is starting to sound the same. Hey though, what can you really do week to week? He's good and he deserves to win, but I'd like to see him change it up a little.

Ok Brookie, the Mormon thing says you have to be nice and all, but you don't have to offer to blow the judges while they're dissing you. Even though they were right; that performance S-U-C-K-E-D. I knew you were in the trouble the second you started in with that "doo-n-doo-doo" act. And what WAS that whole "WHOOO!" thing right in the middle of the song before you started flailing uncontrollably? Oh, and the whole critiquing thing isn't supposed to be a conversation, dear. You're starting to look desperate.

The thing I love about Paula is that you can tell she hated your song when she opens her comments by telling you how great you look and how lovable you are. Gag.

Michael Johns. This performance reminded me of when Jerry Seinfeld said "I can't watch a man sing a song....it's embarassing." That about sums it up. I mean, I'm sorry your friend died and all, but this show isn't a vehicle for delivering a eulogy. Simon is right; you'd better start sorting yourself out, because the only thing keeping you here next week will be your pretty face.

Manda. Sure, she's predictable, but I love her. I like that she knows who she is. I think she could even pull off a ballad but she'd have to tread gingerly.

Jason. Oddly enough I liked him tonight. He has a friendly, soothing voice. The distaste for that "Hallelujah" song a few weeks ago still lingers, but I'm slowly forgiving.

As for the rest of you: pull my finger.

Done.

3-18-08

2008-03-18T21:46:00.001-05:00

Just a few thoughts...
I was so glad to see that David Archuleta is back.

Jason's personality is so...blah. His interviews are fast-forward worthy. Simon said his face sold the song, but I wasn't watching, just listening and then I looked up to see Jason making a face that made me want to send him a Costco-sized Metamucil.

I like Carly, but didn't someone else comment that this is AMERICAN idol?

David Cook is such a tool he could fill up an entire Home Depot with his smirks alone.

But I never liked Chris Daughtry (sp?) until very recently (post-AI)...so maybe I'll like David Cook later.

I like Syesha's hair better when it looks like a bird's nest.

Who tells the audience members to wave their hands like that? That is really annoying.

Is Chikezie butchering this song cuz I don't recognize it, at all?!

How short is Ramiele? My Filipina "Lola" was about 4' 11" but I think she would've towered over Ramiele.

Unfortunately, I think Ramiele let her BFF Danny Noriega be her stylist.

Paula's outfit: tranny mess

Another night -- more Beatles

2008-03-18T19:01:00.012-05:00

For some reason I really don't want to watch tonight. I'm gonna force myself though. Just so I can talk to the folks at work about it...

Just realized it's a two hour show... I may not make it. The first few performances better be good or I'm gonna find something else to watch. I'm just NOT into it this year. I know who I want to win but as to who will... don't really care.

Amanda: Back in the U.S.S.R. - I really like her voice... she has a great sound. And she can work the stage. I liked it! She's safe for another week. I love her spunk, too.

Kristy Lee: You've Got to Hide Your Love Away - I liked it until she got to the chorus; then she got a little pitchy. She did end it well though. She should be in the bottom two again, but this time GONE. Musical wallpaper!!! Perfect!

David A: The Long and Winding Road - He's turning into a crooner and I don't like that. Did he forget the words again? He seems really hesitant. He'll definitely move on and probably make the top three. Is he a "pop" star though? He'd go the way of some of the others and disappear into oblivion.

Michael: A Day in the Life - Awesome song... he sounds great. I' d buy it as a single. What a great performance! He's safe. I guess I heard something different than the judges. I don't think it was a "mess".

I can't stand the way Simon just said "you have to nail it like David did"... just give it to the kid and let's stop this show now.

Brooke: Here Comes the Sun - Perfect song for her. I think she is the dark horse of this competition and a major threat. She has definately been placed in my top 3. Again -- I guess I didn't hear the same performance as the judges.

David C: Day Tripper - He's got such a great voice... just wish I could look at him when he performs. Love the arrangement!!! It is perfect for him. Could have done without the whole voice box thingy, but I have to say it is the best tonight. I guess it was a good thing I wasn't watching him since Simon said he looked "smug"... typical of a Tool.

Carly: Blackbird - She is my absolute favorite. That was beautiful. I love how she has shown how she can hit the lower range too. Beautiful. She is top 2... IMO.

Jason: Michelle - eh. I usually love him, but tonight he seems a little off. I'm glad he stepped away from the guitar and tried something a little more up tempo. I'm still crazy about him though. He's safe for another week.

I'm done. I've seen all I want to see and the last three I could care less about. Let me know how they did. I've going to find something else on tv -- or go to bed.